I'm so dead

Theo's

KATATAPOS lang ng tawag naming ni Hailey, alas tres ng hapon sa Pilipinas ngayon, sa Greece naman ay alas diez nang umaga. She seems to be having fun there. Kanina habang nagvi-video call kami ay kalaro niya pa ang mga pamangkin niya – ang mga anak ni Ate Hyan, the kids. Hailey looked so good smiling at the screen. Kitang – kita kong masaya siya at masaya na rin naman ako dahil nakikita kong ganoon siya.

I worked hard on getting that smile back on her face. Hailey should always be happy. I am so in love with her. Hindi ko na nga alam kung ilang beses ko nang napasalamatan si Papa sa pagpayag sa kagustuhan ni Mr. Demitri na ipagkasundo kaming dalawa. Doubting myself was so in the past, all I want to do now is to make her fall for me so hard that she will never think of someone else, na pati si Perseus at ang kahit anumang namagitan sa kanilang dalawa noon ay makakalimutan niya.

"You're smiling too much." Nagulat ako nang magsalita sa gilid ko si Oryang – anak siya ng isa sa mga best friends ni Mama, si Ninang Beanca, ang tunay niyang pangalan ay Gregoria pero ang tawag namin sa kanya mula nang bata pa kami ay Oryang. Tulad ko ay nag-graduate na rin siya sa university. She had honors too and that's the reason why we're all here at the farm in Lucena, to celebrate our achievements.

She was leaning on the sliding door while looking at me with so much intensity. Hindi ko napansing naroon na pala siya, sobrang engrossed ako sa pakikipag – usap sa fiancée ko. I was smiling because I was planning on finally asking Hailey to marry me.

"Kanina ka pa?"

"Hindi naman. Nagtaka lang ako, dumating kami, naroon sila Mona pero wala ka roon. Sabi ni Tita Nia baka raw kausap mo ang fiancée mo? May fiancée ka na? Bakit hindi ko alam? Sabi mo hihintayin moa ko diba?"

Napataas ang kilay ko Gregoria Emilio looked serious, she couldn't be serious. Bata pa kami noon. Inaamin ko naman na crush ko siya noon, palagi kaming magkalaro, pero sa ngayon, para itanong niya sa akin iyon, it's out of the blue, also it makes me feel uncomfortable. I cleared my throat.

"Of course joke lang. Akala mo naman nagsasabi ako ng totoo." Oryang rolled her eyes. "Sabi ni Tita Nia, kakain na. Let's go." Tinalikuran niya ako, I don't know, I'm not sure, but something is odd with the way Oryang looks ate me. I needed to shake it away. I sighed and followed her.

Pagdating sa dining area ay naroon na halos lahat, Oryang's parent's Ninang Beanca and Tito Macario were talking to Ninang Tami and Uncle Ildefonso, si Mama ay punong abala sa paghahanda ng pagkain, kasama niya si Tita Irma at si Papa sa paglalagay ng mga putahe sa mesa.

"Hi, Kuya Theo, Tita Nia send that you're already engaged? Akala talaga namin si Ate Oryang ang papakasalan mo." Wika ni Lena sa akin, she the youngest daughter of Tita Helena – isa rin sa mga kaibigan ni Mama. Napailing na lang ako.

"It wasn't serious at that time." Natatawang wika ko. Hindi ko na matandaan kung ilang taon ako, but before, we used to have all the occasions together, kapag pasko, bagong taon, o birthday ng isa sa mga Tita ko ay magkakasama ang lahat ng pamilya, I grew up with Oryang and the others, and I admit before that I like her, madalas ko raw sabihin sa mga magulang na balang – araw pakakasalan ko si Oryang, palagi raw kaming magkasama noon, palagi raw kaming naglalaro pero isang araw, hindi na nagpunta si Oryang sa bahay at hindi ko rin siya nakita sa school, ang sabi ni Mama, umuwi na raw sa Bataan ang pamilya Emilio at doon na titira.

I only saw her again five years ago when she came to the Metro to study, masaya naman akong makita siya pero hindi na tulad noong mga bata kami ang kasiyahang iyon. What I had with Oryang is nothing but puppy love, Hailey Yvian Rian Consunji – Demitri is the real thing, she is the love of my life.

"So, is it true?" Napalingon ako nang marinig ko ang boses ni Oryang. Kasama niya si Ramona, mukhang nagkuwentuhan na silang dalawa sa labas. "Hailey Demitri is your fiancée? How'd you do that? I mean, she's like there—" Itinaas niya ang kamay niya nang lagpas sa ulo, she's indicating that Hailey is a bigger, higher person than I'll ever be. "Tapos ikaw, magkapantay lang tayo, mas bagay tayong dalawa." Sinabayan niya iyong ng pagtawa, natawa rin naman ako but again, I felt so awkward.

Tinawag na ang lahat ni Mama, we started to go to the dining table, but Oryang grabbed my arm and made me face her.

"Bakit, Theo?"

"What?" Nagtataka ako sa kinikilos ni Oryang sa akin. Kahit na sa limang taong nagkikita kami dahil sa mga family dinner ay kahit kailan ay hindi naman siya umaktong ganito. She seems to want something, she's not like this, she was always smiling, she has this boyish grin on her face every time she talks to me but right now, there was something in her eyes.

"Ang daming babaeng mas matino kaysa kay Hailey, bakit siya pa?" Nanlaki ang mga mata ko matapos kong marinig ang ibig niyang sabihin. Napaawang ang labi ko habang nakatitig ako kay Oryang. "I know about her. Kaklase ko sa isang subject noon si Perseus Vejar. Perseus was always talking about his girlfriend at hindi siya nahihiyang sabihin sa lahat na pinsan niya mismo ang girlfriend niya, once, Perseus beat up a senior because he took his phone ad a video of Hailey touching herself, moaning Perseus' name spread in our campus. I saw that video, she was very... well to put it lightly, inappropriate."

I didn't know about that, but like what Perseus is, it's all in the past. Hindi ko pwedeng kwestyunin ang mga naging desisyon ni Hailey sa buhay niya ngayon, what is important for me is our present and the fact that she is willing to make it work. Hindi ko na pakikialaman at pakikinggan ang mga iba pang bagay. I want to be with her.

"It's all in her past..."

"You planned your life, Theo, you know what you need for you future candidacy, a decent partner that could boost your popularity. Paanong magiging si Hailey iyon kung ganoon ang ginagawa niya sa sarili niya?"

"If people will look down at Hailey just because of that, then I don't deserve them as supporters. I didn't fall in love with Hailey because of the perks of her name or her families influence, I fell in love with her because of her soul and please, Oryang, you're like a sister to me, stop saying things about, Hailey, hindi naman magbabago ang isip ko. I am in love with her."

Iniwanan ko si Oryang at nakihalubilo na ako sa iba. I sat with Liu and Joseph – kapatid ni Oryang. Hindi ko na siya kinausap maghapon. Naiinis ako sa kanya. She seemed to have bad feelings towards my fiancée, wala naman daoat dahil hindi naman niya kilala si Hailey.

Aminado ako at alam ko ganoon rin si Hailey na marami – rami siyang kasalanan sa buhay, hindi madaling makita na nagsisisi ang tao pero ako nakikita ko iyon araw – araw. How much she wanted to make it up to her parents, how she wants her mom to be happy, at alam kong kahit ngayon ay nahihirapan siya kapag nakikita niyang tumatawag sa kanya si Perseus.

I know Hailey feels something for me. I might be too confident, but I feel it in her kisses, in the way she looks at me and even the way she says my name. I know we're getting there, I know that she's trying so hard and I couldn't help but hope that one day it will be me in her heart.

Nakakaramdam ako ng inip, pero palagi kong iniisip na si Hailey ang premyo nang lahat ng ito and that she is worth every pain and every time. I love her.

"Oryang seemed pissed at you." Nagulat ako nang magsalita si Liu. Patapos na halos akong kumain niyon. I could only nod at him. "Hindi rin masisisi, very vocal naman siyang sinasabi sa lahat na gusto ka niya." Napatitig ako kay Liu.

"She's telling everyone?" I asked. "When?"

"Hindi mo kasi alam dahil masyado kang focused sa pag – aaral, pati na rin kay Hailey. Isa kaya siya sa mga naiinis at nalulungkot tuwing nilalayasan mo iyong family dinner natin kapag dumadalaw sila sa bahay at lahat iyon dahil lang kay Hailey, bakit naman raw ganoon, saka hinihintay ka niya, akala niya kasi totohanan iyong sinabi mo noong mga bata pa tayong magpapakasal kayo. Oryang likes you, Theo, but you don't and now that she knows about hailey, she's clearly pissed. She wants you."

"But she's only a sister." I told Liu.

"Tell her that. Good luck." Wika ni Theo sabay tapik sa balikat ko. I shook my head. Why would I? She already knew about my engagement, she knew about Hailey, what's the need to tell her? My feelings when I was a kid could change, hindi ko naman alam na maghihintay siya. I never promised her anything.

Matapos ang late lunch ay nagkanya – kanya na kami. Ang grupo nila Mona ay nagpasyang magpunta sa lake, Liu and the others wanted to go to the Mango trees, I on the other hand decided to work. I need one, pagod na pagod ako sa byahe. Ang mga magulang naman namin ay nasa pool area at nagkukwentuhan pa rin. Ang tagal rin kasi nilang hindi nagkita.

I went to my room to read my e-mails. I was looking for my acceptance letter from Harvard o Stanford, I applied to both and I am really excited to study abroad. Hindi ko pa nga nasasabi kay Hailey ang bagay na ito. Ang alam ko mag-aaral rin siya abroad para sa master's degree niya, hindi ko lang alam kung saan, but I made a mental note that I'd be talking to her about this by next week when I am finally in Greece.

I was in the middle of reading an email from a friend when I heard a knock on my door. I looked back when it opened and I saw Oryang, sa pagkakataong iyon ay nakangiti na siya sa akin tulad nang datim, hindi na ako nababaghan ngayon. I smiled back at her. Napansin kong may dala siyang glass of water.

"Peace offering." Abot niya sa akin ng baso. "Sorry sa mga nasabi ko tungkol sa fiancée mo." Inilapag niya ang baso sa tabi ng laptop ko nang hindi ko iyon kuhanin. Natawa na lang ako.

"Yeah, you we're harsh on her. Hindi mo naman siya kilala."

"Hindi nga, pero naiinis ako. You promised me, Theo." Malungkot na wika niya.

"I was only seven, you were five, Oryang. It's just puppy love."

"I know, pero kasalanan ko ba kung tinamaan ako sa'yo noong lumalaki na tayo?" Tanong niya sa akin. "Akala ko busy ka lang sa pag – aaral." Sabi niya pa sa akin. "Ako naman si tanga, pinaghahandaan kita. I took up a business course, believing that if we get married, and you run for office, I'd be the one taking care of the family business, your mom likes me, Tito Teddy favors me a lot, magkasundo kami ni Mona, kahit si Liu na nakabili ng sariling mundo ay kasundo ko, I took up cooking classes every weekend because I want to be a perfect wife, I conditioned my mind that I'd be everything you need and even more, pero sa huli, hindi naman pala ako ang pipiliin mo."

Kasalanan ko ba iyon? I never promised her anything. I left her and empty promise, the words of a seven-year-old doesn't really count – well for me – I was in that situation and for me it doesn't count. She said that she knew that, but why did she do all those things for me? Hindi ko naman siya pinaasa, I never made her fall, we seldom interact, why is he telling me all these now?

"We'll it's kind of too late." I felt so awkward. Napatayo ako at kinuha ang baso ng tubig. Inisang lagok ko lang iyon at saka muling tiningnan si Oryang. She looked so sad. Napabuntong – hininga pa nga siya.

"It's okay." She said. "No hard feelings, at least now you know about it, kahit paano magaan na ang loob ko." May lungkot sa tono niya. "But can I get a hug? One last time?"

"Yes, sure." Yakap lang pala, and so I gave it to her. Just a hug, and that was all I could remember. I mean, I hugged her, I know, after that, we talked some more, we even laughed together because of some of our childhood jokes, I was so sure that it was just that, although at the middle if the day we stayed in my room, talking, Oryang suddenly became touchy, but I was so sure that I put distance between us...

So, why in hell did find myself in the middle of the night – probably at eight in the evening, naked in bed, while Oryang was beside me, all naked and asleep, and my body aches all over, and my well, for the lack of better word, my thing, my penis looked like it did the job it is made for.

My mouth parted, my head ached trying to remember what fucking happened.

"What the fuck happened, Theo?!"

Kulang ang sabihing nagulat ako nang makita kong bumukas ang pinto at pumasok si Papa kasama si Tito Macario.

I am so dead.