Sometimes, Ichiru wonder why what Sagara did still affect him. It's not the first or the second, as Sagara hurt him almost every day, countless time, repeatedly, never once not. It was what Ichiru decided, a stupid decision he chose as long as he can be near Sagara, to the point of offering himself to be the replacement of Sagara's dead wife.

Pointless act, not even works to his favour.

Let alone bringing him tiny bit of happiness.

"You're the one offering yourself, are you not?"

Ichiru can't retort, since it's entirely his own fault. Yes, it was him who wanted to be the replacement, and Sagara did exactly that. Using him as replacement.

"I'm not.... Complaining or anything."

"Are you not?"

"Mm. But doesn't mean I'm not hurt by it. Yet I don't blame you."

"I see. It's fine if you want to blame me. You can always stop or leave."

"You know I can't do that! I won't! Why the fuck you have to say that?!"

Sagara glance at Ichiru through the smoke filling the room, can see how hurt Ichiru is.

"You're stupid to keep on with it."

"I fucking know it, okay?? But what can I do??"

"You should've forget me while you can."

"Tell that to yourself! Can you forget her for a second, huh?? Fucking hypocrite!!"

Sagara said nothing. The cigarette between his fingers dropped its ashes on the bed, but he ignore it. He wonder why he said such thing to Ichiru, maybe trying to stop Ichiru from experiencing what he has been through, or just trying to kick Ichiru away, who knows. Yet what Ichiru said is dead on. He can't forget his late wife.

He won't.

The silence feels awkward and uncomfortable, but Ichiru is beyond frustrated to bother with what Sagara will do after what he said out of rage. When he said he doesn't blame Sagara, he was being genuine. He loves Sagara too much to let him go, but staying at this spot, it hurts so much it's impossible to bear. He know he's being stupid, Sagara doesn't need to voice it out, but knowing it won't make him stop loving Sagara nonetheless. Deep down he is kinda hoping it can.

The tears been threatening to come out, finally let loose. Ichiru lower his head, his fists on his lap trying to stop his tears with no avail. He already feel low enough, stupid enough, useless enough. He doesn't need to be reminded that all of this shit happens to him was because of his own free will. He just... Want a tiny bit of Sagara's heart.

Is he asking too much?

Ichiru isn't ready when suddenly Sagara pull his shoulder and kiss his lips, eyes widened to feel the chapped lips he knows best isn't as rough or lustful, instead much gentler and tender, and he couldn't helped but cry even more, had his tears fell on Sagara's cheek as he return the kiss. He wants to be in Sagara's arms, but knows his place that he can't ask more than what was given. At the very least, he can still feel Sagara's gentleness albeit barely. At this point, as long as Sagara hasn't throw him away, it's more than he could ask for.

The kiss doesn't last long. Sagara let Ichiru cries on his chest as his hand gently caressing Ichiru's hair. No sweet nothings nor any sound he ever voicing out, let Ichiru's sobs filling the air. He's aware that he's being cruel, to exploit Ichiru's feelings towards him, but he just can't help it. As Ichiru said, it's impossible to forget his late wife, even if long time has passed, because he is the one refused to forget, exactly like Ichiru is. Deep down, he is glad to have Ichiru by his side, yet not even once he thank Ichiru for all the things he done while keeping the pain to himself. His own cruelness, he should at least apologies but he never did. He is too spoiled by Ichiru's willingness to be hurt by him.

He hugs Ichiru and kiss Ichiru's temple and cheek, had his thumb gently wipe the tears away from Ichiru's face. Ichiru is obviously taken aback from his sudden gentleness, but still too broken-hearted to feel happy being treated that way. Sagara softly pull Ichiru to leans on his chest, speaking right into Ichiru's ears with low tone and comforting.

"I'm sorry, Ichiru. Thanks. Keep staying with me."