Chapter 24

"Aline.."

I looked at Chance when he called me out. We're inside of his car right now for us to talk. Ayaw ko na sana siyang pagbigyan pero baka makahalata na si Mama sa situation namin. I don't want that to happen. If she asks me, I'd just probably tell the truth and cry over it again.

"I chose you over my Dad and our business. Kung ikaw papipiliin ka, would you choose me over your career and studies? Pipiliin mo naman ba ako katulad ng pagpili ko sa 'yo?"

Nanlaki ang mata ko sa mga sinabi niya. I was caught off guard. I didn't know what to say!

"Chance, please. Alam mo namang—"

"Alam kong hindi ako ang pipiliin mo, yes. Alam na alam ko, Aline. Pangarap mo 'yon. Ano ba naman ako?" He even chuckled.

His words hit me again. Naninikip ang dibdib ko. Kahit malamig dala ng aircon ay nag-iinit ang sulok ng mata ko.

Kahit na nasasaktan ako at gusto ko siyang pigilan, pinanindigan ko ang kung anong gusto kong mangyari at kung ano ang dapat.

I cleared my throat. "Now, stop. Just leave the country for me.."

We stayed silent for a moment. My heart's pounding so fast. Mabigat din ang paghinga ko. I'm in the verge of crying when he suddenly spoke.

"'Yan talaga ang gusto mo huh?" he said and looked at me. "I'll leave this country then."

Tumango ako. "You should."

I looked away and prevented my tears from coming out. Nasasaktan ako sa mga sinasabi niya pero dapat kong kayanin para sa kaniya.

Nang hindi ko na kaya ay binuksan ko ang pinto ng kaniyang kotse. But then he suddenly grabbed my hand and pulled it to him. My eyes went wider while looking at him.

"Aalis ako at sisiguraduhin kong pagbalik ko, magsisisi ka kung bakit hindi ako ang pinili mo.."

Tumango pa siya. "I'll leave now."

He finally let go of my hands after he said those words. It made my knees trembled. He even smiled at me but he was just too weak. At masyado rin akong mahina dahil sa isang ngiti niya lang ay gusto ko na lang manatili sa mga bisig niya at yakapin siya.

I'm this weak! Really weak!

Akala ko mapipigilan ko pa siya sa pag-alis pero nang tuluyan niyang isara ang pinto ng sasakyan, nawalan na ako ng pag-asa.

When he finally left, tears immediately formed on my eyes and slowly coming out. My heart is aching. My mind is also in haywire right now.

Tanaw na tanaw ko pa rin ang kotse ni Chance pero hindi ko na mahabol. I'm too weak to run and make him stop.

At kung pipigilan ko siya, para saan pa ang pagtitiis ko kung ganoon?

My heart is still heavy when I got home. Good thing that Mama isn't around anymore. Malaya akong umiyak sa kwarto ko.

I screamed and screamed just to ease the pain but it was no avail. It wasn't effective. Mas lalo lamang sumasakit ang puso ko pati ang ulo. I'm still thinking about Chance.

I want to choose him. I really really want to but I can't. At kung pipiliin niya pa ako, mas lalo akong ma-g-guilty!

Nanghihina ako sa tuwing naiisip na talagang aalis na siya at lalayo sa akin. Sumuko na ba siya kaagad? But then I realized that I was the one who pushed him away. I was the one who told him to leave. I was the one who hurt him.

Ako 'yon! Ako lahat 'yon!

Wala dapat akong karapatan na magdamdam dahil ako rin naman ang pumilit nito. Hindi dapat ako nasasaktan. But look at me now! I'm miserable!

When Monday came and Chance is nowhere to be found, I became more miserable. I even heard from his classmates that he's now in USA!

I couldn't believe it!

And to my surprise, Kuya Marco isn't talking to me too. I tried to ask him about Chance's whereabouts but he just pretended that I wasn't beside him at all. Kahit ang mga kaibigan niya ay halos hindi ako binabalingan ng tingin!

Hindi ako makapaniwala! Si Chance 'yon. He would surely find ways for us to be together again. Hindi 'yong ganito. Hindi 'yong lalayo siya sa akin.

Hindi ako naniniwala..

"May nangyari ba sa inyo ni Chance? Err, I mean, what happened? Balita ko umalis na raw siya. Anong nangyari?"

Bumalik na lang ako sa ulirat nang marinig ko ang boses ni Mia. We're currently at the cafeteria. I'm not even touching my food, my mind's still clouded with everything that happened for these past few days.

I'm not even thinking straight. Lutang ako palagi.

Umiling naman ako. "N-Nothing happened, Mia. He just went on a vacation—"

"Nothing happened eh hindi mo nga ginagalaw 'yang pagkain mo! I even called you many times pero tulala ka!"

"Mia.."

I bit my lips and bowed down. It hits me.

"Ano? Sabihin mo sa akin! Hindi mo 'yan matatago habang-buhay! Come on, Aline!"

Hinila niya ako palayo sa cafeteria. We sat on a bench outside. Siguro ay ayaw niyang may makarinig sa usapan namin.

"Now, tell me," she said and I immediately hugged her.

"Pinaalis ko si Chance, Mia. I wanted him to go to US for their business and for his sake! I would be selfish kung hahayaan ko lang siya ritong kasama ako!"

Tears are now streaming down on my face. My vision is also blurry now. Ang mga nagtatayugang puno sa likuran ng cafeteria ay halos hindi ko na makita dahil sa mga luha.

"H-Hindi ko alam ang nangyari pero do you think your decision was right? Masaya naman kaya si Chance doon? Tanggap niya?"

Kumalas ako sa yakap at pinunasan ang mga luha para harapin si Mia. Worry was evident on her eyes.

I sighed. "I know he isn't happy. Pero para sa kaniya rin naman ang ginawa ko. At isa pa, kung talagang gusto niya ako, kahit magtagal pa siya sa US at lumayo pa, hindi niya ako makakalimutan. He would wait for me.."

Tumango-tango ako sa sarili at napayuko. I feel like I said those words for myself. For assurance. Dahil kung sakaling makalimutan nga ako ni Chance ay lalo akong magiging miserable.

"Hindi ko alam ang sasabihin ko. Sorry.."

I felt her tight hug on me. Mas lalo lamang akong naiyak dahil alam kong kinaaawaan niya ako.

Kung pwede lang ay huwag na akong maiyak sa sitwasyon na 'to. Pero hindi ko talaga maiwasan.

The pain is just too much to handle.

Sa mga sumunod na araw ay halos tamarin akong pumasok. Napapabayaan ko na ang school works ko. I still haven't finished my requirements. I became also distant to my friends. Kapag kasi nakikita nila ako ay ramdam ko ang simpatya nila sa akin.

I don't want them to be worried. Problema ko 'to at sariling kasalanan. I don't want to be a burden by looking for someone's comfort.

After class hours, I tried to call Chance but I can't call him anymore. It was out of reach. Nagsimula na namang bumigat ang kalooban ko. Does he really need to do this? Ang layuan ako nang tuluyan?

But I know I shouldn't complain. Ako rin naman ang may kasalanan nito! Magdusa ka, Aline! This is your fault!

Miserableng-miserable ako ngayon at halos hindi ko na maasikaso ang art gallery. I'm physically present but mentally absent. I just always want to stare blankly.

Umaasa akong talagang babalik pa si Chance kahit na pinagtabuyan ko na siya.

Am I being reasonable? Am I being harsh to him?

When I went to Benjamints' place, I immediately got a slap from Manager Lee that made my eyes wider.

"M-Manager.."

"That is for being irresponsible! Pinababayaan mo ang gallery dahil lang sa Chance Gomez na 'yan!"

Nagulat naman ako sa sinabi niya. Paano niya nalaman?

Nakita ko rin ang gulat sa mga mata nina Akihiro nang madatnan kaming ganoon. They were all shocked but no one dared to move.

I bowed down. "I'm sorry, Manager. I'll fix this. I'll fix myself.."

Narinig ko ang padabog niyang pag-alis sa harap ko nang marinig 'yon. When I met Benjamints' eyes, I feel ashamed. They surely know about what happened between Chance and I.

Ang hindi ko lang maintindihan ay kung sino ang nagsabi niyon at bakit kailangan pang malaman.

I really don't understand.

"Aline.."

I looked at Sam. "Ayos lang ako. 'Wag n'yo akong intindihin."

I gave them a smile for assurance. Tumingin-tingin sila sa paligid at siguro nang makitang wala na talaga si Manager ay lumapit sila sa akin.

"Are you fine? Grabe, ngayon lang nanampal 'yang si Manager!" Akihiro said.

"I was shocked.."

Napatingin naman ako bigla kay Zidge nang magsalita siya.

"We heard about what happened," sabi naman ni Sam at tumikhim. "You pushed Chance away.."

"I made him leave for their business." Napayuko uli ako.

Napaupo na lang ako sa couch dahil ramdam ko ang panghihina ng mga tuhod ko. Hindi ako umiiyak pero mabigat ang pakiramdam ko. I also feel like suffocating.

"You're so selfless," komento pa ni Sam. I just sighed.

"Kayo na ba?" tanong naman ni Kelvin.

Umiling ako. "Hindi. Nililigawan niya pa lang ako. But then he suddenly cut the cords between us.."

Ramdam ko ang awa nila sa akin. Sandali kaming nagkatinginan ni Sam bago siya muling nagsalita.

"That explains your stressful and.. miserable look today.."

Gusto kong tumawa o ngumiti man lang. Pero masyadong nilalamon ng kalungkutan ang kasiyahan na natitira sa akin kaya hindi ko magawa.

It feels so empty but at the same time.. heavy.

I tried to be with them as long as I could for diversion. Kahit papaano ay gumagaan naman ang pakiramdam ko kapag kasama ko sila.

I also tried to regain my energy and joy that I've lost these past few weeks. I really can't message or even call Chance and it makes me so gloomy almost everyday. Kung hindi nga lang sa unti-unting pagiging close sa akin ni Ion ulit ay hindi rin ako magiging masaya talaga.

"Saan ka mag-se-senior high?"

Napatigil ako sa pagkain ng fish ball nang biglang magsalita si Ion. I looked at him.

"I still don't know. Baka dito lang din.."

"Dito lang din ako." Ngumisi siya nang tipid. "I'm gonna take STEM."

Namilog ang mata ko sa sinabi niya. "That's hard sabi nila! Pero matalino ka naman.."

Tinuloy namin ang pagkain dahil parehas din kaming gutom. Nakaupo kami sa isang wooden bench sa harap ng school. Kung saan maraming mahogany at Narra. We just got dismissed after a long tiring day. Ion just bought some street foods for us to eat. Madalas kasi kaming kumain noon ng mga fish ball. It's actually my favorite.

"Hindi mo ba.. na-mi-miss si Chance?" he innocently asked.

Naubo ako sa tanong niya pero pinigilan kong maging emosyonal. Somehow, I can now control my feelings not unlike before that I always cry whenever I think of Chance.

I smiled a bit. "Of course, I miss him. Tinatanggap ko na lang na umalis nga siya at malayo. Ako naman ang may kagustuhan nito in the first place. Kaya bakit ako magrereklamo, 'di ba?"

Tumango-tango naman siya. "I'm glad that you're now okay not unlike before.."

Ngumiti na lang ako at muling kumain. I honestly don't know if I'm now fine. Sure, I'm smiling and laughing but it doesn't mean that I'm no longer depressed about what happened. Pero unti-unti kong tinatanggap ang nangyari.

I should be positive. Alam kong babalik si Chance. Gusto niya pa rin ako pagbalik niya. Panghahawakan ko na lang ang mga huling salitang sinabi niya bago siya umalis. Kahit pa alam kong may galit siya sa akin.

He's probably doing his best to handle their business. He's just busy that's why he isn't messaging me at all. Ayon lang 'yon. But at the back of my mind says that he really had cut the connections between us. Para siguro walang istorbo. O kaya ay ginusto na niyang kalimutan ako.

'Yon nga ba talaga 'yon?

Monday when I decided to paint again. I've already submitted my requirements kaya ay medyo guminhawa naman ang pakiramdam ko. I feel like floating though. That's why I'm here at the school's quadrangle to at least breathe a fresh air and also to witness the players' practices.

Abala ako sa pag-b-blend ng acrylic paints nang biglang may humarang sa tinitingnan ko. Umangat ako ng tingin and I was surprised when I saw kuya Marco in front of me!

"K-Kuya Marco!"

Tumitig siya sa akin nang ilang sandali bago magsalita, "Chance is calling.."

Nanlaki kaagad ang mata ko sa sinabi niya. Nang makabawi ay nanginginig kong kinuha ang phone mula sa kaniya.

I cleared my throat but I didn't speak yet. He wasn't talking pero alam kong may tao sa kabilang linya.

"Aline.."

Kinabahan ako sa paraan ng pagtawag niya sa akin. Finally, after how many days, I heard his voice again! Ito na 'yon, Aline!

"C-Chance, okay.. ka lang ba diyan?"

Hindi siya sumagot kaagad kaya kinabahan ako. Napatingin naman ako kay kuya Marco na nag-iwas ng tingin at lumayo. I sighed.

"I'm fine here. Ikaw?"

I bitterly smiled. "Okay lang din naman ako. Bakit ka nga pala ngayon lang tumawag—"

Nagulat na lang ako nang biglang namatay ang tawag. I stiffed for a moment and turn to look at kuya Marco. He's now also looking at me with furrowed forehead.

"Uh, the call ended, kuya.."

He shrugged his shoulders. "Baka busy na si Chance."

Malungkot naman akong tumango. "Siguro. Thank you, by the way."

He just nodded and turned his back on me. Nagsimula na rin siyang maglakad palayo. Napayuko naman ako.

Why is he suddenly acting like that? Dati naman ay hindi ganoon kalamig ang tungo sa akin ni kuya Marco. I'm suddenly confused about that but I'm also thinking about Chance. He just called ngunit saglit na saglit lang 'yon. Ni wala pa nga yatang isang minuto.

He's just busy, I know. He also wants to talk to me. Ayon nga't naghanap ng paraan para tawagan ka, Aline! Don't think too much! Talagang busy lang 'yon dahil pinagtulakan mo paalis!

I heavily sighed as I sat down on the Bermudas grass. Nawalan ako ng ganang mag-paint bigla. But then I remember that I'm committed to do this kaya kahit na hindi na mabuti ang pakiramdam ko ay pinagpatuloy ko na lang 'yon.

I still feel heavy though.

"Uy! Ang ganda!"

The voice startled me and when I look at whoever it was, I became more surprised when I recognized him. Nanlalaki ang mata kong nakatingin sa kaniya.

"You were the crew on the convenience store! The geek! Anong ginagawa mo rito?" sunod-sunod kong sabi habang hawak pa rin ang dibdib sa gulat.

"Grabe ka naman magtanong.."

Natulala ako sa paraan ng pagtawa niya. It was soft but kind of creepy for me. Sinong hindi ma-c-creepy-han kapag may lumapit sa 'yong bigla na hindi mo naman talaga kilala?

That would be creepy for sure!

"I'm also a student here." He even smiled.

I stared at him again. He seems so nice with the uniform that he's wearing na sa palagay ko ay senior high school student na rin. He really is a geek.

I didn't know what to say so I just nodded my head, ending the conversation. Naiilang ako. Lalo pa't nakita niya noon ang mga pasa kong natamo last time na may kumuha sa akin. Until now, hindi ko pa rin na-s-solve ang mystery na 'yon. I still don't know who was that guy or girl. It creeps me out.

At hanggang ngayon, sumasakit pa rin ang ulo ko.

I just sighed as I continued what I'm doing. These past few days have been stressful for me. Especially, malapit na ang moving up ceremony. I'm thrilled about that and also nervous.

Makaka-graduate naman kaya ako?

Nilingon ko ang lalaki pero nagulat na lang ako nang bigla 'yong mawala. I shook my head. Hayaan mo na. Hindi ko naman 'yon kilala para isipin pa. He's still a stranger.

--

Mabilis na lumipas ang mga araw. And with those days that have passed, I didn't hear about Chance that much. Our connections are now lost. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang nangyari. Halos dalawang buwan na rin simula nang umalis siya. It makes me so lonely but I have to deal with the situation and accept it.

Kasalanan ko naman din 'to.

But what if Chance didn't wait for me anymore? What if he forgot me already at masaya na ngayon sa US? I pushed him away! Dapat hindi na ako magtaka kung kalilimutan man niya ako!

Pero nasasaktan ako. Hindi ko alam kung paano mabilis na nawala ang pinagsamahan naming dalawa.

"Mendiola, Aline Gail.."

I forced myself to smile while I'm walking towards the stage. Kasabay ko si Mama na nakahawak sa kamay ko. Based on her smile, I can feel that she's proud of me.

Nang isabit niya ang tatlong medals sa akin ay niyakap niya ako. I also hugged her back. I couldn't stop myself from crying especially when I also saw her crying. Si Papa naman ay nasa baba ng stage at pinipicture-an kami.

"Congratulations, anak. I'm so proud of you," sabi pa ni Mama at hinalikan ako sa pisngi pati sa noo.

I widely smiled. "Thank you, Mama.."

Bago kami bumaba ng stage ay may hinahanap ang mata ko. I roamed my eyes at the four corners of our gymnasium but he really wasn't here at all. He should be here! Alam kong pupunta siya!

Gusto niyang makitang maabot ko ang mga pangarap ko. Pero ngayon, wala siya!

I graduated with flying colors, that's what I wanted! 'Yon din ang gusto niyang mangyari! Pero wala siya rito para ma-witness 'yon!

When the ceremony ended, we immediately went home to prepare for the graduation party. Almost all of my classmates are invited. Pinilit ko na rin sina Mama na dito na matulog sina Mia para naman kahit papaano ay malibang ako.

I didn't bother to tell them the truth — on what happened about Chance and I. They were asking me ngunit ang tanging sinasagot ko lang ay nagbakasyon siya sa US. That's all.

"Aline, nakita ko 'to sa room mo—"

My eyes grew wider when I saw Mia, holding a medical receipt. Kaagad ko 'yong kinuha mula sa kaniya.

Kunwari akong ngumiti. "Don't mind this one."

Saglit niya akong tiningnan bago tumango. "Okay. Hindi ko rin naman maintindihan. Let's go. Nandoon na rin Benjamints sa baba."

I sighed in relief and smiled a bit. Sabay kaming bumaba nang hawakan niya ang kamay ko. I'm a bit nervous. Ngayon ko na lamang uli makikita si Manager Lee matapos ang nangyari last time sa kanilang place.

I was scared that time but I do understand her.

Pagkababa ay sumalubong sa akin ang medyo maraming tao. The garden was all set up. Namamangha ako sa ganda ng garden. Maraming decorations ang nasa paligid. Ang mga lamesa ay nababalutan ng puting tela. Pero kahit halos lahat ng nandito ay masaya dahil sa ceremony, hindi ko magawang maging masaya rin katulad nila.

Chance isn't around. I shouldn't be happy.

——