October and September 2020 — I-LAND BUILDING

"Heeseung, you look upset," Kei said to him, the night before they were to perform Flicker with Sunghoon, Jake and Jungwon. "What's wrong? Stressed out?"

Heeseung stirred. He'd been standing out in the balcony to cool off in the night air, at ease since the camera wasn't on. He'd been gazing over the treetops and imagining that he could see the ocean, even though he couldn't. The most interesting thing he saw was the occasional animal scampering between the trees, mostly obscured in the darkness.

Of course, he was thinking of her, his Ocean Girl. He missed her so much that it was like a physical ache. He didn't know what to do with it, how to make it feel less, but he was on I-LAND—the perfect place to practice until he couldn't think of anything else. So that's exactly what he was doing most of the time, since that was what he was supposed to be doing anyway.

"Yeah, really stressed," he said, looking down at the grass yard below him. "Hyung, I'm sorry for saying so, but our practices are an actual disaster at this point. We barely have the lyrics down. I don't know how we expect to do this anymore."

"Hey, don't lose hope yet," Kei chided, coming to stand behind him. Heeseung's eyes drifted to the distant horizon again. All of a sudden, he felt a sharp ache in his chest that bloomed like a large flower, and tears filled his eyes. "I'm sorry I messed up like that...it was uncalled for. Like I told you, I just wanted to..."

"It's okay, I'm not upset with you," Heeseung sniffled, wiping at his tears. Unbidden, a sob escaped his throat. "I don't know what I'll do if we can't make it, hyung, the thought is just too terrifying to bear. Last year, I was all, maybe someone else will scout me if I fail, but now, the idea that this is really my last chance...it just scares me so much."

"Don't break down now," Kei put an arm around him. "We all know you're among the most likely to actually make it out of this hell into the debut group, Heeseung. You're so talented, how could anyone not believe in you?"

"I'm aware of people hating me just because I'm apparently favored by the producers," Heeseung said, sharper than he intended to. "I'm aware of people disliking me because I'm apparently too good. And to be honest, even with the number of fans I somehow have, that type of thing is concerning."

"How did you even find that out?"

"The tablets," he shrugged. "We're not completely cut off from the outer world in some ways. I didn't realize we could do that until Jay showed me BTS-sunbaenim's new music video. So I did the one thing that shot my confidence down the most."

Kei studied him. "There's something else going on, isn't there?" he asked. "Something else that's draining you but somehow making you even more fiery."

"There's someone waiting for me," he admitted quietly. "I...I miss her. So much. We never had that much time together to begin with, and the fact that I have no way to try contacting her...it hurts. I miss her, hyung, and that's what's both draining me but still motivating me to try harder."

"It'll be okay," Kei told him gently. "You can make it. You will see her again one day."

Heeseung wished he had that much confidence. He had no doubt he would never give up on her, but he was just so scared he would run out of time before he could go back to her again.

***

Watching Jay perform Dive Into You along with Ni-ki, Taki, Hanbin and Sunoo was a double-edged sword. It wasn't like he had a choice, seeing as he was sitting there in the lobby watching them on the screen, but still—the color of the stage—some of the lyrics—it was all enough to make him want to burst into tears.

Half the reason he was able to mask it was because he was genuinely in awe of their stage. Another reason was that he had gotten used to hiding majority of his feelings and emotions on camera. After all, this was I-LAND, where cameras were on them too often for his liking.

But he persevered. It was his great challenge, what he has to, just has to, no matter what, overcome, so that he can go back to his Ocean Girl. Destiny gave him this challenge and opportunity rolled into one for a reason, and he's not going to mess it up.

***

After Taki's elimination and the cameras were turned off for a while, Heeseung went to find Sunghoon. He was in the living room, staring at the ceiling while sitting on the sofa with his head tilted back.

"Hey," he sat down beside his friend. "Have you been seeing your girl in your dreams?"

"Yeah...why?" Sunghoon squinted at him. "Are you missing the Ocean Girl too much? You want news on how she's doing?"

"Well...yes."

"I'll ask her as soon as I see her again," he promised. He had explained the terms of the connection in his mind to his girl. Although Heeseung didn't really get it, he understood that it meant Sunghoon couldn't just visit her whenever.

He just hoped that meant he and his girl wouldn't have to be apart except for certain circumstances.

***

"Any word about her?" Heeseung pulled Sunghoon aside out of camera range just before they went onstage to perform Chamber 5. He supposed he looked comically hilarious in his kid-like outfit and such a serious expression on his face.

Sunghoon shook his head regretfully. "She says she's lost contact with the Ocean Girl," he said. "Something about this being your great challenge so you need to hurry up and succeed at I-LAND and go find her or she'll find your way to your dreams and throttle you for breaking her sister's heart."

"Ah," he said, not exactly eager on being throttled by his girlfriend's aggressive sister. "Got that."

"Guys!" Jake called. "Come on! It's time!"

The two of them quickly scrambled to the stage. Heeseung caught Bang PD's eyes as he and Sunoo passed out the sheets to the other three. They were unreadable, but he thought he caught a look of support somewhere there. He hoped it was the kind of support he needed.

Because now, he definitely wasn't feeling any better. Now, he was worried sick for the Ocean Girl—what could have happened to her?

***

When the producers told him he could do better, it was because he was so overcome with worry and guilt that he just couldn't do his best. He knew he could better, and he hated that he didn't. But now, almost all his waking moments were directed towards her, about where she could be, what she was doing, if she was even okay.

Was she even in Korea anymore? If she wasn't, he didn't know how he was supposed to find her anymore, with the pandemic on and all the restrictions in place. Every time he looked at water, his thoughts flew back to her. When he showered, the feel of the water engulfing him reminded him of her—the trips they had made to the ocean.

Every little thing was reminding him of her, consuming him with worry and fear that he was already too late, guilt that he was beginning to mess up already, when he was so close to end, that it was literally beginning to drive him insane.

But he refused to let it. He channeled all those feelings to one single steady stream of fierce, vicious determination. When he and Kei were going over the lyrics for Calling with Jay, Jungwon, Jake, Sunghoon, Sunoo, Ni-ki and Daniel, he hid it well enough, but practicing, he was like a demon, never letting up for a second.

In fact, Ni-ki actually sidled over to him one night and tugged at his sleeve when he was almost asleep. "Hyung," he began, "we appreciate you're working hard for us and all, but don't you think you should lighten up? You forgot to eat again, too."

"One, child, you barely eat at all, don't chide me," he rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. "And two, let me guess: Sunoo made you tell me in the name of more communication between you and us?"

"Correct," Ni-ki smiled in that shy, sheepish way of his. "But really, I'm not kidding. We all love a good trainee when three days away is the actual, literal finale, but that does not mean you don't take care of yourself, right? Isn't that what you told me because I wasn't eating back at the training camp—nervousness doesn't mean I should neglect myself? Right?"

"You're right," Heeseung sighed. "I'm sorry. I'll do better."

"You better," Ni-ki shoved his shoulder in a friendly way before running off to do some more practice by himself. Heeseung stared after him, remembering the time Ocean Girl had told him not dissimilar from that a long time ago.

***

The final lineup.

It was now or never that his fate would be determined.

He had danced and sang with all he had in the performance of Calling, in hopes that if he wasn't chosen through the fans' voting, the producers would see he was worthy. Not pass him over like he was passed over when the time came to choose the TXT debut members.

The members themselves sat across the room. Taehyun made eye contact with him and gave him a big smile and a discreet thumbs up. Yeonjun noticed this and followed suit, which made the others notice and do the same.

Heeseung's heart swelled and he nearly burst into tears right there. He was lucky to have them as his friends. How could he have ever resented them, been jealous of them? Of people who had had faith in him since the very beginning, longer than his own mom and dad did?

And I'm glad to have them, too, he thought, his eyes stopping on the others arranged in the same line he was in. Although it was a commercial break, they were still wound up as tightly as a bowstring, ready to snap at the smallest indication.

He looked briefly at the rest of the I-LAND applicants sitting off to the side. He saw Taki waving at them discreetly; Hanbin not even bothering to hide his wide, supportive smile directed at them; Seon giving them a look like, you better not lose it whatever happens. Always the realist, that was Seon.

These were boys he'd trained and worked hard with; laughed and cried and celebrated with; shared sorrow and heartbreak with. Practiced and performed with, stood in a line like dominoes to be told their fates with, competed with; these were his friends. These were people who had kept him going these last few months. He was glad to have them.

Time passed by in a blur, and before he knew it—

"Lee Heeseung!"

He startled, and then started crying. He couldn't help it, he was so terrified that he was going to fail, so stressed and worried about his girlfriend, that the sound of his full name signifying that he was officially part of ENHYPEN, overwhelmed him.

He couldn't remember much of the selection. He remembered the others being chosen one by one, of the look of absolute shock and disbelief that crossed Sunoo's face when he was the producer's pick, of them group-hugging, most of them a sobbing mess, of them saying good-bye to the other I-LANDERs.

He was aware that a camera was filming them; that their career as rookie idols had really officially begun. As he held Ni-ki's hand, trying to comfort him as he cried, he was only sure of one thing for good.

He was going to find his girl as soon as he could, and no one was going to stop him.

✧✧✧

WORD COUNT: 2013

A/N: if you saw i-land, you know how much i miss them. dani come home :(