March 2019 — THE BEACH

"Hey, are you crying?" she frowned at the glistening in Heeseung's eyes.

"No," he muttered, rubbing at his eyes. "Just...can we not talk for a moment, please?"

"You were fine yesterday," she persisted. "What's wrong?"

"Everything!" he snapped. "I'm not good enough at anything to amount to what they want just so I can achieve my dreams! Why can't I just make it through like they did?!"

He slammed a fist into the sand, startling her. He looked down at his lap, breathing too heavily for him to be just mad. He was holding back tears, but they fell anyway, and he hated himself for it.

"Hey," she said gently. Her voice sounded much closer. "Look at me."

He looked up, startled to see her sitting just in front of him in the sand. In the light of the streetlights that still hadn't turned off since it was before sunrise, the scales on her tail sparkled with a different kind of beauty. He was also concerned that she was so far out of the water.

She seemed to know what he was thinking, because she shook her head. "I can get back in the water easily enough," she said. "Heeseung, what's wrong? What happened?"

"My friends are debuting today," he said softly, "just the five of them."

Her eyes widened. "Oh, Heeseung..."

"I knew this was coming, I've known it for years," he said, finding it eerie that his voice was so flat, so unemotional, but sounding so angry to his ears. "We trained together, all six of us, but I was only there for barely a year before the five of them, the one with the shortest training period being six months more than mine included, were picked to be in the debut group."

"And you resent them for that?" she asked. His right hand and her left lay between them, intertwined, so naturally that Heeseung barely thought about it—it was just a thing they did at that point. "Your friends, I mean?"

"Yeah," he admitted. "But not them so much as the trainers, I guess. They wanted me to audition pretty badly because they thought I was talented or something but then, why didn't they—"

He paused, going over a day he considered among the best in his life in his head. "They were the company that wanted me to audition as soon as possible, and since it's no secret that I wanted to go to Big Hit, I went with it, and they told me I have potential. And yet..."

He shrugged helplessly, using his free hand to wipe at the tears streaking his face. "I don't want to resent my friends. They're all amazing people. So sweet and supportive and kind and just generally amazing friends. They've always been there for me, even though over the last few years we've drifted apart somewhat since their schedules differ from us undecided trainees."

"So why do you resent them, exactly?"

"I guess it's more of jealousy than anything," until she weaseled that confession out of him, he hadn't realized that that was what he was feeling for the most part. "They're so talented. Taehyun has always had a gift for singing, even when he could barely hit the right note before we showed him how to do it. Yeonjun hyung—he's like a dancing machine. That boy can dance and dance until he drops unconscious and he'd still have a smile on his face, because dancing is what he loves the most."

"That's actually so adorable," she smiled. "Tell me more about them."

"Well, there's Beomgyu and Kai and Soobin hyung. All of them have a gift for dancing and singing. Sometimes Soobin hyung stays up late practicing vocals because he thinks he's not as good as the others and me and Jongseong will just sit there outside the room, listening to him sing. We even fall asleep doing so sometimes. Then there's Beomgyu hyung, who has a bit of a competitive streak, just like Taehyun. He and Kai practice in this hilarious way by just dancing and dancing until one of them drops."

"And the one who drops is the loser?"

"Yep," he found he was smiling, too. "Taehyun and Kai are a year younger than me, so I have that kind of older-brother-ish feeling toward them, you know? Except with Kai, it's more so because Taehyun is closer to my age and, well, we're like that one sassy pair of friends. To be honest, all the trainees like to baby Kai, and he eats it up, at least until it gets too suffocating."

"They sound great, Heeseung," she said. "Why resent them?"

"Well, because of everything I just said," Heeseung looked away, towards the horizon, where the barest hints of color were beginning to emerge. "They're so talented and they just have the personalities of the idol life, you know? Of course, they have parts of them that the company would never allow to be seen, but still. What about me?"

"You're jealous of their abilities and skills and who they and resentful because you think you don't have any of that and hence that's the reason you think you didn't get chosen for this group?" she summed up.

"Yes," he breathed out, trying to rein in his emotions. "Their group name is pretty cool, too—TOMORROW X TOGETHER. I think it means something along the lines of they came together under one dream to build a new tomorrow for themselves. Their greeting thing—the thing idols say in their introductions—happens to be One Dream, too. I like it. It fits them."

"I like it, too," Ocean Girl agrees. "So, let me ask you this, since you've vented out all this to me."

"Sure."

"You said that you have monthly evaluations, and that if you fail them, you're out for good, right?" he nodded, and she continued, "so what were your last few rankings?"

"Um, somewhere near the top," he admitted, shifting uncomfortably when he realized what she was getting at. "Why?"

"Don't you think there's a reason they're still keeping you around, especially if this new group consisting of your friends was formed a few years ago?" she asked. "I mean, let's face it, you're pretty talented yourself. You've sung to me enough for me to know that, and if that's not enough proof, then your rankings are."

He stayed silent, processing what she was saying.

"What I'm saying is, don't lose hope just yet," she said firmly. "You're destined for great things, Heeseung, I know it. You just need to wait for the chance to fulfill your calling."

"Like how we're destined?" he joked. She flushed slightly, but maintained her calm.

"Kind of like that, yes," she laughed. "Do you get what I'm saying?"

"Yeah, I do," he grinned back at her. "Thanks for that. I needed that pep talk."

Then he acted on impulse: he leaned forward and kissed her.

✧✧✧

WORD COUNT: 1160

A/N: ooh heeseung is bolder than he was in beach, huh?

A/N from BEACH:

A/N: [LONG NOTE] the highlights of Dance JAM Live #210717...

+ again with the cupboard entrance lmfaooo

+ I felt proud of myself when I got the general gist of what Jungwon said in the beginning. Correct me if I'm wrong, but he said something along the lines of, "... Last time Heeseung hyung and Sunghoon hyung danced to Calling and I&CREDIBLE, and ENGENE really liked it, so we're doing an I-LAND medley." did I get it right at least somewhat?

+ when the Flame On unit were dancing to it, Jungwon and Sunoo attempting to dance with them, meanwhile HeeJake standing behind them in, "we don't know this choreography but we like this," and Sunghoon probably remembering the legendary moment when he was taken out of Flame On unit (and him also knowing the choreography bc Flame On <former> leader) 💀

+ when Jay shouted something the moment Dive Into You played - SOMEONE TRANSLATE WHAT HE SAID PLS I'M DYING TO KNOW - and them probably clowning Daniel at "I'm honest, I'm modest, so marvelous, get on this," that was so funny. It still remains iconic.

+ also them trying to imitate Jay at the bridge of Dive Into You SENDS as well as dramatically yelling Hanbin's "babe" 😂

+ again with Dive Into You, Jungwon and Sunghoon spinning their arms around probably bc they don't know the choreography, and anyone remember when the choreographer told Sunoo his worm (is that what you call it?) was weak and Jay proceeded to make the whole unit do like a hundred pushups? That's what no one doing the actual move reminded me of.

+ HELP WHY WAS RIKI RUNNING ALL OVER THE PLACE

+ I like how they did Flicker again considering we only for ONE PERFORMANCE OF IT (side-eyes Be:lift). I mean come on, we didn't cheer at Flicker being in the tracklist just to be given only one performance.

+ Just Riki being so random. Cute.

+ I find it hilarious that they screamed in probably protest when I&CREDIBLE played - understandable, that one looks really hard and remembering how everyone struggled...

+ WHAT WAS THE CHAOS THAT WAS FORGET ME NOT 💀 I WANT MORE OF THAT NGL

+ Jay is so extra lol I love him.

+ THERE IS LITERALLY SO MUCH SATISFACTION WATCHING THE CHOREOGRAPHY OF I&CREDIBLE BE EXECUTED ALMOST PERFECTLY.

+ not at them making the sound effect noises at the beginning of Run To You 🤣

+ Riki don't think I didn't see you clowning Sunoo's "but just watch me rise my friend, yeah" 😚

+ Heeseung making the part where they drop to their knees look like sliding across the floor is funnier than it should be skskksks

+ Riki again being dramatic and picking up Heeseung with no warning is such a mood

+ Honestly, as satisfying it is to see the choreography done again, this is when i started to get a little nostalgic and sentimental 😔 that song reminds me a little too much of September 18th.

I could have just written all this on my message board, but I didn't. Because messages can get lost easily, and writing it down here, it's gonna stay until I'm gone. I want to remember this special Dance JAM Live, for as long as I can 💜