elliot

So. I guess I'm fucking gay or something.

Alyssa keeps giving me this Look. I don't understand the Look, but it looks confused and curious and concerned, and very scared. But not in a bad way? It makes no sense. The Look is very much a mystery. A mystery that I seriously need to stop staring at because I am driving.

"And then I just waited for her to walk away," I tell Alyssa. "Which was super weird, I guess, but yeah, she walked."

"Wow, oof."

"Yeah. That was the first time I ever spoke to her like that, so it was an oof for sure."

I watch from the corner of my eye as she drums her fingers over her thighs, like she's playing imaginary piano scales or something. Does she know that her nose wrinkles when she smiles? Or that she pouts whenever she raises her eyebrows? I can't stop noticing it, and all her little quirks. I love them, though.

"You okay?" she asks.

"Kinda. I ... I just don't really know how to feel about them. Like, um, Taffy asked me if I was queer the other day, but she was a dick about it, and just ... I hate it."

We're pulling into the driveway of the Hargreaves's, and Alyssa's expression has scrunched up. "Oh?"

"Yeah. Um, yeah. It was weird. I didn't like it. It just ... made me really uncomfortable."

"What did you say?"

I kill the engine and look over at her. "Well, I told her that I wasn't. Neema and Duncan are adamant about me coming out in my own time, which is weird because I don't think I care, but I felt uncomfortable in the moment and figured I would take their advice."

"It's good advice. What happened then?"

"She seemed ... disappointed? Which makes it like, did you want me to be? And if so, why?" I feel my throat catching. "Did you want to make fun of me and ridicule me and ostracise me, or was it something else?"

"Well, I mean, what else would it be though?"

"Exactly." I sigh.

Alyssa frowns. She has a very strong frown. "Dang, I'm sorry," she says.

"It's okay," I tell her, even though I feel suddenly hollow. It feels like a knife razing through my sternum. Gutted. I feel gutted. I never thought Taffy and the girls were these people.

Well, no, no, I knew. I just didn't want to admit it. Now, hearing how they acted at the party and on Instagram, and how Taffy tried to brush it all away today at work, makes my stomach twist and my skin prickle.

I step out of the car, and Alyssa watches me, stepping out as well and shutting the door firmly behind her. "Hey, are you okay? You look a little ... frazzled."

Really, "frazzled" is probably a nice understatement. I kinda want to cry, and I have absolutely no idea why. "I'm okay. Really. It wasn't a big thing." Looking back at it, it feels like more, though. Alyssa doesn't need to know that.

"Okay," she says, the skepticism in her voice obvious.

"It's just"—I can't figure out if I even want to say it or not—"after that, she told me that she told the girls I wasn't gay. So I can come back to the team. And it's like, for a year, that's all I wanted. I threw myself into my schoolwork because there was nothing else to do. I'm literally salutatorian-ranked right now, all because they shoved me out of the swim team. And all I wanted was back in their good graces, back in their fucking group chats, back in that stifling locker room. And it's like, Elliot, why?"

"Oh."

"Yep." I can't believe I said that. We both stand there for a moment, frozen and stiff. Then, Alyssa turns and heads to the house. I follow right behind, and she stops us before we go inside.

Her hand is poised on the knob, and her gaze is locked on mine. "Y'know," she says, "I think being queer shouldn't keep you from doing what you want to do. Elliot, you're smart and strong and so, so beautiful. I think if you want back on the swim team, you should do it, even if those girls suck. I think you should do anything you want to do. Do it for yourself. You're more than what others think about your sexuality. I believe in you."

Her gaze remains focused, a challenging glint in her eye. Suddenly, the summer heat isn't the only thing warming the back of my neck. Am I misreading this?

She doesn't open the door. She's waiting for my response.

She's waiting for my response.

Okay shit fuck shit, here we go.

"Alyssa," I whisper, completely terrified of what I'm about to say, "could—can I kiss you?"

A smile slowly unfurls across her face, like poppy petals in the sunlight. "Actually, yes, please."

Holy shit. My heart is hammering in my chest and up my throat and in my fingers, and I can't move. Bend down. I should bend down. And, then, kiss. Yes.

I seriously cannot handle the way she's staring up at me. Half-lidded isn't quite the right word. But her gaze is sweet and full of so much of some foreign expression I can't describe that I'm maybe a little scared. I am incredibly out of my element, and I don't know how I should be feeling about it.

"You can kiss me here," she whispers, gaze flitting behind me to the empty street for a second, "or we can go inside?"

"Inside," I murmur in this voice that isn't my own.

Grinning, she opens the door and shuts it behind me as soon as I'm through. I'm grinning back—I can't help it.

I have to bend down far to meet Alyssa, but as soon as my hands are on her waist and her arms are looped around my neck, it doesn't feel weird. The opposite, really. It feels completely right.

Alyssa's lips are ridiculously soft against my own, and the warmth of her mouth and her fingers in my hair and her gentle curves in my hands all send shivers down my spine. I can't get enough of her. My frame of reference isn't exactly huge, but this is the most amazing thing I have ever felt in my life.

I don't even realize that I'm pushing her against the section of wall right next to the door until she lets out this helpless little puff of breath that somehow only makes me want to kiss her harder. I've never wanted so much of a person before, not like I want Alyssa. She keeps finding ways to pull me in closer, and I keep finding ways to hold her tighter, and I am completely useless, because all I can think of is her.

She tilts her head back to breathe. "Where the heck did you learn to kiss like that?"

When I catch my own breath, I laugh, all light and airy and loopy. "I feel like that felt good purely because you're, just, holy shit."

I can feel her sides shift as she tries to catch her breath. "Mm, yes, I am holy shit. I am god crap. I—" I find myself leaning forward again before she can finish.

Nothing has ever felt more natural.

-

Kissing Alyssa has become a fixture of day-to-day life. A little over a week into the habit, I don't quite remember what led us to Alyssa's bed, but suddenly, we're there, and it's fine until I suddenly realize: I am in a bed. Kissing a girl. Kissing an Alyssa. In Alyssa's bed.

I don't quite know what I'm doing to make her do this, but Alyssa keeps sighing like she can't help it, but it's a good sigh, not a bad sigh, so I just keep going at it. Her fingers are loosely threaded in my hair, and I can feel everywhere where our bodies touch. The contact burns like a pit of fire beneath my stomach, and I'm trying to ignore it. It's becoming increasingly difficult.

Also, I've never been on top of someone before. It's weird, but I kind of like it. I'm trying my best to not just plop all my weight down on top of tiny Alyssa, even though my body is screaming at me that the more contact, the more weight, the more pressure, the better.

I'm a fucking mess. And those sighs? Not. Helping.

"Fuck," I whisper against the side of her mouth as I feel her inviting me to press even closer to her.

She leans her head back against her pillow and laughs quietly, eyes shut. "Fuck indeed."

And that when it hits me: this is how sex happens.

It's not as if I didn't know how sex happens. Like, I know my way around a theoretical bedroom. But an actual bedroom? I've only been in Neema's room, and she's more like a sister than anything. This, on the other hand, is a sex room. A room where sex happens. Sex.

I don't really think I'm ready for that.

"You okay?" Alyssa asks, bringing her arms down to her sides. I sit back on my heels and try to figure out what the hell I'm thinking, because everything is suddenly a mess and I might be moving too fast this is only a week-long now and how did I get here and holy shit I don't think I can have sex right now.

"Elliot. Ellie, look at me."

I do, and then go about trying not to breathe like a crazed maniac. My chest is so tight I'm worried that it might burst, that it will squeeze in on itself and out of existence.

"Are you okay?" she asks.

"I-I just, I've never ... y'know."

Alyssa pulls herself back and to a seated position. Somehow, it's easier seeing her in front of me versus under me. "I know. We can stop. For real. Like, we literally don't have to do anything."

"You're sure?" I ask, because really, I don't want to disappoint her. I just don't know how I could even manage to not disappoint her if I sleep with her. It's suddenly super clear to me: a perfect catch-22. I don't want to disappoint her by not sleeping with her, but I'd certainly be a disappointment if I were to sleep with her. Fuck. Why is existing so hard? I want to sleep with her. I know that.

Why can't I get over this?

"Elliot, I'm not going to do anything. Especially if you're not comfortable. Seriously, you're okay. We're okay."

I'm okay. We're okay. "Okay."

She nods slowly. "Okay."

"Can ... can I still kiss you?" I might have killed the vibe. Honestly, I probably killed the vibe. Alyssa will probably say no, and then I'll have to leave here like some wounded puppy who can't do the sex, and it'll all be because of my vibeicide.

This is the first time I've seen her really bite her lip. "If you still want to?"

"Hell yes, please." She laughs, and I hover above her slightly, helping her lie down. And it's like we never paused.

A/N -

HEYYYYYYYYYYYYYY THEY FINALLY KISSED HOW WE FEELING?!?!?!

This is coming up on a Monday instead of a Friday because WE JUST HIT 20K READS CAN I GET SOME YA-YEETS?

Thank you guys so much for loving Alyssa and Elliot as much as I do. Literally, one of you guys called it "quintessential, zoomer teen rom com" and like the love has been really intense and I just love you guys sooo freaking much ahhhhhhh.

also this is one of my favourite songs on the whole playlist so like ahhhhh i'll external link the whole playlist bcs im a proud baby okay

HAVE A HAPPY GIF PARTY BECAUSE I CAN'T CONVEY EMOTIONS LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN IG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

UPDATE (August 13 2021): ^this all still stands 10K+ reads later