"If anyone gets up from the table to do something other than get water or go the bathroom their Harry Potter house loses ten points."

"I'm a not a short order cook, you eat what I make."

"Philip, eat your vegetables please. And next time don't drown them in ketchup."

"Teddy SIT DOWN."

"Do you need me to make you wear a bib?"

"Man, this Mac and cheese is gonna go right through me."

"Teddy, it's your turn to take the trash out to-TEDDY IF YOU DON'T PUT SCHUYLER DOWN RIGHT NOW-"

"Can someone pass the salt?"
"SCHUYLER WHY WOULD YOU THROW HER-"

"Olive oil tends to give me amnesia."

"Even brain surgery is easier when you're a professional chef!"
"tEDDY."

"Alex you better not be ordering bacteria from the internet again."

"FOR THE LAST TIME WE'RE NOT GETTING A DOG!"

"Death by Slinky...it could happen!"

"This is like the Yoko Ono of spaghetti."

"You know burgers bring out the pirate in me!"

"Whoever doesn't burp gets to stay home from work or school tomorrow."

"I just wanna curl up in bed with a book, my cat, and pizza."

"You named your stomach Tony Robbins?"

"The bacon will find you. It always does."

"Smelly robot penguins are the perfect anniversary gift!"

"TEDDY PUT THE SPICES DOWN."

"Something smells and it's not the food."

"That's it, dinner's cancelled since none of you can behave."