Eliza, about Teddy: "You're a HORRIBLE parent!" -my daughter because I won't let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.

***

December, about Michael: I'm not at #Coachella, but my young son did just sleepwalk into the guest room and pee in the closet, so it feels like I am.

***

Xavier, about XJ: Wish I was as brave as my son who ate zero bites of his dinner and then asked my wife for a snack six minutes after the table was cleared.

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Michael, about Maggie:

Toddler: *crying bc it isn't her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to learn how to share.
Husband: Just give it to her, you're 35.

***

Khalin, about Frankie:

Me: Ask your new friend their name!
My 3 year old, leaning in too close her new friend: I have a skeleton at home.

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Tommy, about Odessa and Ophelia:

(Two of my four kids start crying)
Random lady walking by: Why are you crying girls?
Me: It's cute that you think there's a reason.

***

Tallen, about Allie:

5 year old's reaction to salad dressing on the raw veggies: I can't eat this! Why'd you put lotion on it?

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Erin: If people didn't know that I have kids, they'd probably think I'm crazy for repeatedly shouting, "Socks on feet!"

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Indigo, about Lena:

4 year old: Why do you go to work?
Me: To get a salary.
4:
4:
4: I don't even like celery.

***

Eliza, about Teddy:

4 year old: Can I have some of your candy?
Me: I got this for Mother's Day.
4: You're only a mom because of me.

***

Allen, about Mickey:

Me: Stop playing with your food.
Son: If you didn't want me to play with my food then why did you get me dinosaur chicken nuggets?
Me: Touché.

***

December, about Michael:

[at the drive through]

6 year old: Why don't you work at McDonalds?
Me: I already have a job.
6:
Me:
6: I wish you were cool.

***

Bentley, about Belle: If you're ever thinking about having kids, my three year old just threw a tantrum because her tongue is pink.

***

Zaida, about Candy:

8 year old: Can I have ice cream?
Me: Is your room clean?
8: If I clean it can I have ice cream?
Me: Sure.
8: *looks at room* That's okay, I don't need any ice cream.

***

Theodosia, about Milo: My son was crying and asked, "why doesn't the dog have to wear pants?" And it's like, I don't even know. So now I'm putting pants on a dog.

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Eve, about Nash and Alya: Parenting hack, turn everything into a race. My four year olds both just got dressed in under 50 seconds.

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Xavier, about Nico and Wylie: My wife always accuses me of having a favorite child. It's not true, I love Nico and Not-Nico equally.

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Presley, about Daisy: I'm glad we own 10,000 stuffed animals so my toddler can fall asleep with a jar of peanuts.

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Indigo, about Asher: My son is having a hard time getting over the fact that we're not naming his baby sister Megatron.

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Oakley: Toddlers: the only people who can't hear their name being called but can hear a bag of chips being opened through a thunderstorm and three brick walls.

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Theodosia, about Milo: I knew it was time to vacuum when the baby rolled over and looked like an everything bagel.

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Erin, about Mazie and Ella:

Me: I was thinking we could plant a garden this summer, what should we plant?
6 year old: Pizza!
2 year old: Balloons!
Me: *pulls summer school flyer out of the recycling bin*

***

Allison, about Karson and Kadence: "She poops too much" -my son's review of his new baby sister.

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Eliza: "Apologize for yelling at your mother. We don't yell at her, she yells at us." -my husband, clearly the only person who understands the rules around here.

***