hey y'all! sorry i haven't posted in a while. hope you enjoy!

Bentley: My sisters and Kalvin are the only valid members of my family. The roomba is valid too I guess, but it's on thin ice.
Bella: What did the roomba do?
Bentley: Tried to eat my sock.

***

Zaida: We have this thing where whenever someone upsets Michael, they have to put ten dollars into a jar so we can treat him to an apology dinner.
Michael: I'm well aware of the jar so I pretend to be upset at three different people every day so I get free meals forever.

***

(Teddy as a doctor)

Patient: *waking up from surgery* How did it go?
Teddy: Great! *checks notes nervously* The only side effect is you may have false memories of having had two legs.

***

Auggie: In this world it's either yeet or be yeeted.
Clary: I'm BEGGING you to stop.

***

Teddy: So what kind of pose should I go for? A sexy one or-
Police: Ma'am this is a mugshot
Teddy: A mugshot? I don't even drink coffee-

***

Eliza: It'll be as simple as writing your name Teddy.
Schuyler: You /do/ know how to spell your name don't you? T-H-E-
Teddy: You're wrong. There's no H in my name.
Alex: She's spelling your full name; Theodosia.

***

Bentley: *sighs* I think I'm gay.
Kalvin: I know Ben.
Bentley: I'm gay and I love you so much.
Kalvin: Ben, we've been married for two years. Go back to sleep.

***

Nico: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Tommy: I don't know?
Nico: To get to the idiot's house. Knock knock.
Tommy: Who's there?
Nico: The chicken.
Tommy: oKAY LISTEN UP

***

Teddy, age 7: Dad?
Alex: Yes sweetie?
Teddy: Can you write in the dark?
Alex: I guess. *turns the lights off*
Teddy: Perfect! Now can you sign my report card?
Alex: I'm calling your teacher.

***

Erin, about Mazie: My daughter has this game where we flip a coin with a sticker on it. Anyway if the coin lands sticker up then you get to touch the dead bee she keeps under her pillow.

***

Eclipsa, staring at Xavier: It's unhealthy to eat past 9pm.
Xavier, eating a bowl of lucky charms at 3am: Oh man, good thing time is an illusion.

***

Cody: I'm too young to die but too old to eat off the kids menu! What a stupid age I am!
Cole: Cody please.

***

Teddy: Get me a glass of wine.
Christian: Teddy, it's breakfast.
Teddy: And a piece of toast.

***

[After Michael decides to help cook dinner]

December: Michael, this steak is tough.
Michael: So is life, and then you die.

***

Alex: I slept for almost twelve hours but I might still be tired so let's go for twelve more just in case.
Eliza: Alex that's a coma.
Alex: Sounds festive.

***

Kalvin: And now for a Gay Update with Bentley Birmingham.
Bentley: Getting gayer.
Kalvin: Thank you Ben.

***

Zaida, to Dawson: Would you like to stay for dinner?
Michael: *from the other room* Would you like to stay forever?

***

Kevin: Since when is babysitting Lennie my-
Kevin: Oh my god that's exactly my job.

***

Eliza: Could you please pass the salt?
Schuyler: *throws Teddy across the table*

***

[Car is hanging off of a cliff]

Schuyler: Oh my god Teddy! Back it up!
Teddy: Really Sky?! I thought I might drive forward. I thought that might be a fun thing to do.

***

Bella: What's wrong with Kalvin?
Bentley: He doesn't handle the alcohol very well.
Kalvin: I'm gonna steal the declaration of independence.

***

Ari: How tall are you?
Callen: Height is a social construct.
Ari: So you're short.

***