He sat alone on his bed, staring out his window. He had had this thought a thousand times. Maybe it was time to do something about it.
      He pulled the paper from his drawer and the pen from his cup and he started to write.

Dear Ryan,

I don't hate you little Bro,
Ryan, you're not the one I blame.
Please understand what I'm saying,
Please recognise my name.

I know I keep my distance,
I know I'm never kind.
But you have to know I love you,
I'm sorry I lost my mind.

You were too young to know,
Too young to choose,
I know you had no say in it,
That's you weren't able to refuse.

I was only scared, I promise,
And mostly scared for you.
I knew the others would love you,
That much has stayed true.

But I feared for your mental health,
I feared for what you'd wish,
I feared for what you'd think of Dad,
For creating a situation as this.

But brother you must remember,
Though you're only one of four sons,
Mother still remembers your life,
As the final battle she won.

Ry, I'm sorry,
For everything I've done,
I loved you and I love you,
Please stay and have some fun.

I know I crossed the line,
Into Evil's side I ran.
But now I'm back, I promise,
With no evil plan.

I want to make you smile,
Mother would want that too.
You didn't kill her, no one did,
Please don't feel blue.

She will remain within us,
Of that I am sure.
As long as we keep smiling,
We'll have no civil war.

Please Ryan, I love you x
- Thaddeus, your big brother.

      Then he wrote a poem for himself. Directed to his Mother, but he'd rather keep it close.

Every time we visit you, Mother,
I kneel down to pray,
"Mother please forgive me
For how I've acted since that day.

I find it hard to look at them,
My brother Ryan and Dad,
Without remembering what happened,
And feeling rather sad.

So I choose to keep my distance,
Selfish of me, I know,
And if I ever talk to them,
I seem to let all Hell go.

It's easier to scream at them
For things they didn't do,
Than to tell myself what I know's the truth,
They did it all for you."

I cry into the flower bed,
And stare at the headstone there.
I know that you can hear me,
I know you're everywhere.

I continue a little more,
Repeating what I know by heart,
"I know I've done things wrong,
I know I've played my part.

Now Ryan's suicidal,
I can see it in his eyes,
He claims there's nothing wrong,
But I know they're only lies.

I should have listened to you,
And been kinder to them both.
Now Father thinks I don't love him,
And Ryan's on his own."

As I stand, I bow my head,
And whisper the last words.
"Mother, please forgive me,
For everything I've done."

- Your eldest son, Thaddeus.

      Then he remembered he'd forgotten part of Ryan's. So he wrote it down as a separate note:

Ryan,

Don't let her sacrifice be for nothing,
You know exactly what I mean.
Don't throw you life away like this,
Keep your body clean.

P.S: You are loved. You always will be. You didn't mean to ruin our lives. Don't worry. - Thaddeus again x

      Next he wrote to his father. He struggled a bit with this one, felt his hand stiffen at times. His teeth would occasionally grit together and across the page were random lines where the pen had slipped.

Dear Dad, I can't imagine,
How much it must've hurt you,
That in your time of dire need,
Away from you, I grew.

I promise you I love you,
For what you did for Mum.
It's not your fault I hate you,
Please don't feel glum.

You could've killed my brother,
So small, so sweet and sound.
Instead you killed my mother,
The greatest love you'd found.

Yes, it's true, I blame you,
For the horrors of that night.
But don't think it could've been different,
Neither path was bright.

Please don't cry again Dad,
I'm sorry I cause you pain.
It must be horrible to lose such love,
When hatred's all you gain.

Your son. Thaddeus.

      He put the pen back in the pot and the paper back in the drawer. Maybe he'd hand those poems out in the morning. Maybe.
      He turned out his light and went to sleep, leaving his curtains open so his mother's grave could still be seen in the distance.