Trigger Warning: W**ght-related issues, the word w**re (only once)

[A/N] Contains massive, massive spoilers for Tozen's backstory.

Tozen

I walked the hall nervously, keeping my head down and wading through the mass of people to get to my classroom. I could feel people looking at me, and I wanted it to stop. I slid into a seat near the back. It creaked under me, and the familiar anxiety wash through me. Don't break, don't break, I beg of you. Fortunately, it didn't. Nothing HAD ever broken on me, but I was always scared something would. And the sound was enough to get some of the cattier members of the class whispering and giggling regardless. I can fucking hear you, you know. I'm not a very courageous person, especially not back then, but I shot them a withering glare to shut them up just so they'd learn to at least be quieter when they were being little bitches. Other, less derogatory conversations began swirling in the air.

I fumbled through my backpack, pulling out my science textbook and looking for a pencil. Shit, did I seriously forget one? I found myself becoming frantic. Fuck, today is a bad day, and it's only the first day of the school year.

"Oh! Are you missing a pencil?" the girl in front of me asked.

"Yep. My own fault, really," I murmured, not feeling confident enough to make eye contact.

"I have plenty! You can take your pick!" she offered. There was an enthusiasm in her tone, like she was genuinely excited to help. I looked at the six pencils she was holding out to me, and wound up picking the dark green glittery one.

"Thanks."

"No problem! Did you go here last year?"

"Yep."

"I didn't see you at all!"

"Well, it is a big school. It doesn't surprise me that I don't know everyone on campus," I pointed out.

"Let's fix that. I'm Sachiko! Sachiko Nakatani!"

"Tozen Chiba."

"Nice to meet you, Tozen!"

"Likewise," I responded, a bit weirded out.

"Sorry if this is rude, but... how are we gonna recognize each other if we don't actually see each other's faces?" she asked.

"Not hard to find me," I mumbled dryly.

"C'mon, no need to get funny with me, wise guy," she laughed. But it was strange. She wasn't laughing at me. She was laughing with me. I looked up at her, doing my best to give a smile. She had dark brown hair swept up in a braid with a pink ribbon, and her light brown eyes were filled with a certain warm curiosity. "Aha! Now I'll always remember you! I never forget a face! I'm like a camera. Click-click!"

I can't help but snicker playfully. "I'm sure you are."

...

I settled onto a bench far from most of the students, opening my bento and starting to eat. Jeez. I swear, Mom overcooked today and had to compensate by seriously loading it up. But hey. There are starving kids in Africa, and all that stuff. We don't make food waste in my household, that's just how it is.

After a while, though, I started to feel uncomfortable. Okay, this is kind of absurd. People just shouldn't eat this much. I know I purposefully chose a distant location, but someone's bound to be looking.

"Tozen!' I heard the familiar cheerful call as she rushed toward me. She waited for me to set my lunch down before tackle-hugging me. "How's your schoolwork? I'm super duper proud of you for getting bumped up to Honors!"

"Th-Thanks! The workload's fine. Bummed we're not in the same class, anymore, though."

She pinched my cheek, and I could feel it warming up. "It's really no worries! We can hang out at breaks like this!"

"Sachiko, don't neglect your other friends. They love you, too. I'm fine spending a couple breaks alone."

"Then... maybe we could, like, hang out outside of school and stuff?" she asked, suddenly looking a lot more bashful.

Wait. There's no way. That's impossible. "Like... what?"

"Y'know... we could catch a movie or something, share popcorn and stuff. Or like, go to the cute little cake shop and then relax at the park..." Is there any possible way that could be construed as platonic? Because, if there is, that's almost certainly the actual explanation. "You're making that face you make when you don't understand, so I guess I need to be a bit more clear. Toz, I would really like to date you," she admitted, twirling her braid with her fingers.

"Yes!" I interjected immediately. "I-I mean, sure, that sounds great."

She giggled at my overenthusiastic response. "Yay! So, like, Friday, about an hour after school?"

"Perfect."

"No, YOU'RE perfect," she grinned, bopping me on the nose.

The school bell rang. "Shit, I can't waste this." I grabbed my lunch and forced myself to down the last couple of bites.

"Toz!"

"Yes?" I asked, joy bubbling up within me.

"I'll walk you to class. It's on the way to mine, after all." She slipped her hand into mine. I genuinely couldn't believe what was happening. I even covertly pinched my thigh. Not a dream.

When we reached my class, she embraced me, burying her head in my chest. In that moment, I was ecstatic. I was held.

...

But of course, pure elation doesn't stick around forever. And within a month, I was in a bad place, cooping myself up in my bedroom and avoiding the world.

Everyone always stared at us. They'd scoff quietly, or snicker a bit, or even just give us questioning glances. And I was used to it, alone. But Sachiko didn't deserve to have people treat her poorly for the mere fact that she was somehow into me. She always assured me that she didn't care, that none of it bothered her. But that couldn't have been true.

And honestly... why did I have to be used to that? I knew I was unhealthy. Obviously. Not like I didn't have the worst performance in PE. If people thought that looking at me that way would suddenly make me aware of the problem, well... I'd been aware for like six years. It had only ever gotten worse as time went on.

And maybe I was just a failure. What if I deserved the hostility from strangers? What if I deserved the snide comments from classmates? I curled up into a ball and sat on my floor, staring at absolutely nothing. What the hell am I even doing with my life?

Someone knocked on my bedroom door. "Y-Yeah, come in," I called out, trying to keep my voice steady. Hard to not have voice cracks when you almost just cried. My baby sis— well, I call her baby sis just cause she's the youngest, but she was already eleven to my fourteen at the time— walked into the room, hiding something behind her back. "What's wrong? You look a bit blue. Did you get a bad test score or something?" I asked, straightening my posture so it would look like I had it all together.

"No, I'm okay. Nothing happened. Just thought you might be a bit lonely. You've kinda holed up in your room since you got home, and you didn't say a whole lot at dinner."

"I'm fine. No need to worry, Ruri."

"You always say that. Don't underestimate us! Just cause Junpei and I are younger than you— hardly— doesn't mean we have the emotional intelligence of toddlers! Please, we wanna support you."

I sighed. "I had a rough day, is all. Dealing with self-confidence issues. The usual bullshit."

"I... kinda figured. I have something for you. I bought them with my own allowance."

"Huh? I'll pay you back, you don't need to—"

"Nope! These are your special presents!" She whipped out three books and dropped them onto my lap dramatically, causing me to gasp in surprise.

I examined them. "Are these... books on nutrition?"

"Mhm. Two advice books and a healthy cookbook. I know you already do a lot as it is, but I was thinking... maybe you could do the cooking from now on. You can make healthy things, and in way smaller portion sizes than Mom makes! And Junpei and I can help! It's... well, you've always taken the food we were too full to eat, so it's kind of our fault you're so miserable all the time. I want you to be happy, Toz."

"Oh, Ruri, no, this isn't your fault! We're all responsible for handling our own burdens. I appreciate you trying to help— like, I appreciate it so much that I'm nearly in tears. Like, actually, look." I beckon her closer so she can see, and we laugh a bit together. "But please, please don't let yourself believe that you're personally responsible for me, okay?"

"Okay. But yes! Please let me help! I can be your exercise buddy! It'll be great! Your new life starts today, and all that inspirational jazz!"

I looked down at the books, and then up at my little sister, whose expression was almost pleading; it was a face that was uncertain, but hopeful. And it was suddenly like something I'd been holding back broke in me. I cried. "You're— You're so amazing, Ruri! How could I have wound up so lucky, to be your big brother? I'm... I'm gonna do it for all of us," I sniffled, and she came in to hug me tight. "I'm gonna make the changes for me, so that I can finally feel good about myself, and I'm gonna do it for you guys, so you can be proud of me."

"We've always been proud of you!" she insisted, sounding incredibly offended.

"Well, then I'll do it so that you guys can stay healthy, too!" I corrected myself.

And in that moment, that interaction that changed my life forever, I was safe and loved. I was held.

...

"Hey, you okay? You've been awfully quiet," I asked her as I idly picked at my salad. My appetite was getting a bit smaller, which was a relief. At the start, since I was used to eating significantly larger portion sizes, I was still a bit peckish by the end of meals.

"Hm? Oh, yeah, I'm totally okay! Sorry. A bit spacey, I guess," Sachiko smiled softly.

"I'm... sorry. I know you were excited about the idea of making lunches for me, but I can't let that become a habit. I should make my own food. I'm really trying my best with this healthier diet."

"But why? I've told you, you're perfect to me just the way you are. I love you, Toz, and I really, honestly don't care about the stares. Honestly, it's kind of fun, at times. We steal all the spotlight, all the attention!" she beamed, grabbing my arm and waving her other one like she was envisioning something.

"Heh. I don't want anyone's eyes on you but mine, though," I flirted, kissing her hand. She giggled. "And besides... the diet's just as much for me as it is for you. Honestly moreso. I jogged to the mailbox at the end of the block without immediately wanting to die this morning! Exciting, right?"

"Avoiding the desire for death is good," she agreed absentmindedly.

"Hey, uh, wanna go bowling after school?"

"Oh. Um, I actually made plans with my friends. You can come, if you want! We're gonna shop!"

"I'm good. I don't wanna intrude on your time with them. I hung out with you all two days ago. I shouldn't overstay my welcome."

"If you say so. Bye, my dear." She kissed me on the forehead and then left, waving playfully.

...

"...What?" I asked, completely shell-shocked. I should've figured it was coming. But it came as a blindside to me. I was too attached to even think about it.

"I'm really sorry... the spark is just gone. I don't want either of us to be in a one-sided relationship. We can totally still be friends, if you want, but—"

"Yeah. Okay," I agreed, nodding along but with my heart not really in it.

"You're... you're taking it really well."

Yeah, that's what happens when you dump me in front of your friends. Of course I'm not gonna make a scene. I shook my head no. I wasn't. It just looked like that.

"Well. Is there anything I can do?"

"Sachiko. We both know you're just asking that to make yourself feel better about dumping me." I remember not even saying that willingly— it was an automatic response and I was not myself in the moment.

"I—!"

"Bye." I turned around and walked away, and, once I was far enough away, I started jogging just a bit to get away from her faster. Fuck. Fuck! I ran into the men's bathroom and called my mother.

"Sweetie? What's wrong? Has something happened?"

"Mom, I just got dumped," I answered, voice flat.

"Oh, darling. I'm on my lunch break. Would you like me to pick you up from school and call in sick?"

"Yes, please. I don't think... I can make it through the day."

"I'll be there in ten minutes. Just hang in there, baby."

"S-See you soon."

The instant I got home, I started mopping. Declutter house, declutter head, after all. Better to be productive. Better to distract myself, better to not think. For better or worse, it didn't stay that way for long.

I got a text. It was from one of her friends.

Hey. I'm really sorry, dude. I'm done being friends with her. Need any answers?

Why? I asked. Like seriously, why? Losing the spark isn't good enough. That happens with every relationship after a few months. What happened to make her decide it wasn't worth working through?

Her type is the "chubby" guys. I should've warned you, but I didn't realize she was the type of girl who'd actually dump someone over that. I just thought she'd support you.

WTF?! So she never actually loved me the way she claimed?! It was all because of how I looked?!

We didn't know she was that shallow. And to do it in public... God, that bitch. If it makes you feel any better, you won a few of us in the "divorce"

Ha. Thanks. So you'll hang out with me at lunch and shit? I got used to not eating alone

Of course, dude. We're YOUR friends now, not hers >:D

Thanks. See you at school

At that point, I'd finally started crying. They were red, hot rage tears that flowed as I blocked her on everything. Stay friends my ass. Why did she have to drag me along? Why did she have to make me feel valuable for the first time in ages and then toss me aside when I wasn't what she wanted?

My siblings got home a while later. "Toz? What's wrong?!" Junpei called out.

"Sachiko dumped me. Turns out that whore only ever liked me cause of my weight, so slimming down made her lose interest."

"That fucking bitch! I'll kill her! I seriously will!" he yelled.

"Please don't. I don't want you in jail," I sniffed, trying to wipe away tears.

"We can make sure we never get caught," Ruri offered, cracking her knuckles.

"Don't. Seriously. You guys getting revenge in my stead won't make it any better."

"Then we'll attack you with sibling love!" Ruri yelled, leaping onto me and hugging me. Junpei rushed up to do so, as well.

The tears continued to pour out. But at least I was being held.

...

And now... I'm being held again. Even in this fucking death game. Even after losing so many friends. Even after I've been stubborn and scared, and even after I've hurt two of the most important people to me, everyone's still willing to hold me.

Even when I'm not willing to think. Even when I'm not willing to face myself. Zu held me when I needed it. And now Ren, Yuu, and Gou are holding me, too. And Ren pulls my hands away from my ears. "You have people now, my guy," he says, compassion in his tone. "We're willing and able to support you."

I open my eyes, and I start to think, for once. Because, even for just this moment, I'm safe. I'm held.