[A/N] Warning. As is so often the case with Ume fics, there are a ton of s**ual innuendos here. Like, a lot. There's no s**ual activity, however. Just a lot of allusions.

He felt as though he should probably be embarrassed or uncomfortable. The situation was something that could potentially be awkward as hell, but he was stunned at how... not any of that... it was. Ume was stringing a measuring tape around his body. At some points, she was tugging tight, playing around and teasing him. At other times she was suddenly serious, clicking her tongue and softly muttering to herself with a focused look in her eyes.

Frankly, it reassured him a little, knowing that there were times where she could be calm. But he hoped nothing was going terribly wrong to cause the sudden shift. "Is everything okay?" he asked, feeling minorly self-conscious.

"...What?" she blinked, seemingly in a daze. "Oh! Yes! Everything's fine! Sorry. I'm just trying to imagine what I should make first! Cause I mean, they'll have to be easy to take off," she emphasized suggestively. "I mean, outfits that are too tight can be uncomfortable and look weird, so being able to get clothes on and off easily is a must," she clarified.

"Mhm," he agreed absently, already starting to get used to her sense of humor.

"In all seriousness, getting your measurements means I'll know what kind of stuff would look great on you." She paused briefly to think. "Honestly, it's more like what clothes YOU would make look great. Cause— and take it from me, the person who makes the clothes— a big part of advertising is the vibes the model puts out. And lemme tell you, you're certainly eye-catching," she winked, flicking him in the shoulder.

"In a good way, I hope," he responded quickly, raising his arms to let her get to his chest.

"Thirty-four inches. I see," she murmured, dodging the question.

"UME!"

"I'm kidding! I'm just kidding. Of course in a good way. I mean, d'you think I would've approached you if you made me want to turn tail and run?"

He chuckled a bit. How funny. I changed how I look because I was wondering if it'd chase people away. And it usually does, but it had the opposite effect on her. "You know, I didn't always look like this."

"You mean to tell me that you didn't pop out of the womb with pink hair and shark teeth?! I feel so lied to!" she gasped, pretending to be offended.

"Shut up!" He gave her a light shove and she laughed wickedly.

"So then what DID you look like?" she inquired to humor him.

"A nerd."

She let out a snort of laughter. "Simple and straight to the point. I like it. Wait, wait. Before you say anything else, lemme check my notes real fast." Her eyes scanned the paper in her small, leather-bound journal. "Great! I think I've got everything now. Feel free to go do your own thing. Unless you wanna come to the store with me. Teru offered to make me food if I buy some ingredients for him."

Kazuichi considered this idea. He was expecting some new parts so that he could try and construct a remote-controlled lamp (cause having a light source that walks wherever you go would be siiiick). But the parts wouldn't be in until tomorrow. "I mean, sure. I've got nothing better to do. But if you get drugged, I had no part in this, got it?"

"Got it. You will not be held liable for anything that happens to me in pursuit of friendship with the horniest guy in school."

"Good. Let's go." She grabbed him by the arm and they hopped a bus to the market. She joked about sitting on his lap, and he joked back about sitting on hers, before they ultimately decided just to sit next to each other.

When they arrived at the market, they began to seek out the items on Teruteru's list. It was extensive. Ribs, an onion, butter, red wine vinegar, garlic, thyme, sage, salt, sugar. Among these included blueberries and lemons. Ume tested multiple lemons, checking to see how heavy they were. "What's your favorite fruit, Shark Boy?"

"Umm... I guess... grapes? They're sweet, and they're easy to eat."

"Really? I would've expected it to be melons. Juicy melons. Big, plump melons. Y'know?"

"How big we talking?" he asked with a playful smirk.

"Big as in big. Like winter melons. Which can get up to 20 feet long. Biiiiig melons," she rambled, setting her hand just above her chest.

"Then maybe I can be persuaded. Anyways, I know your favorite."

"You do?"

"Bananas, obviously."

"Of course. And my favorite vegetable is eggplant." The two of them giggled childishly. "But in all seriousness, my favorite is pomegranate."

"I see! Good choice. Those seeds rock!"

"Actually, the scarletty parts you eat are called arils. My mom used to scold me if I stained my clothes with pomegranate juice, so she stopped buying them for me. But the joke was on her. I eventually made my own money and bought my own pomegranates. Not only that, but now I'm super adept at eating them without staining myself!"

"That's right! Stick it to the man! Er... woman!" he cheered, giving her a fist bump. "It's good that you were able to make your own money. My family was never particularly rich. Bike shop and all. Not the most profitable job," he admitted.

"Well... do you have money for grapes?"

He gave a small smile. "Yep. There's enough for grapes."

"Then it doesn't really matter. We're the same. Our parents influenced our choices, but we chose the paths we're passionate about. Not for money's sake. Just cause it makes us happy."

"Yeah! And hey, I don't really need a whole lot of money. I can impress Miss Sonia with my charm and intellect! Waaaaaait. Miss Sonia's a princess. If she falls in love with me, I won't even have to worry about money!" he enthused.

She tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. "Don't get ahead of yourself. First you need her to acknowledge that you exist."

"Do you think I have a chance with her?"

She wavered. "It's too soon to say. I've only known you two for a few days, after all."

"Do you at least think we're compatible, knowing what you know about us?" he asked, not sure whether he was pleading or genuinely curious.

She sighed. "There are traits that may indicate that, I suppose. You're both incredibly enthusiastic. And gentle. So. It's possible. But don't rush this, okay? You've known her for a few days."

"Alright! It's possible!"

"Did you actually listen to anything I just said?"

"Of course! I'll be patient! I'll be the most patient person in the world for Miss Sonia!" He started to twirl around, lost in a daydream. Ume grabbed his wrist and slapped a lemon into his hand.

"This one seem heavy enough?" she asked, trying to get back to business.

"Yeah! A lemon. A juicy one! Wait, do you read fanfiction? Would you understand that joke?"

"You'll have to snag a look at my read history to find out," she winked, relieved that their conversation was shifting. "But anyway, that should be everything we need. Let's go." They checked out and then made their way back to the school. They decided to walk instead of catch the bus, letting the warm sun dance along their skin. Birds chirped, but scattered as they passed; they were too noisy and distracting. Their erratic energy levels were more than those poor birds could handle.

And it only got worse when they made it back to Teruteru.

"When you're cooking ribs, you can choose whether or not to deal with the membrane. I typically strip it right off. The slippery, gooey membrane. Getting my hands right under there," Teruteru explained with a perverse giggle.

"I'd let you handle my meat," Ume responded, thrilled to be playing along.

"I'd gladly tenderize it. Would you let me glaze it?"

"It would be my pleasure!"

Kazuichi Souda, like he so often was, was terrified of the current situation. Even he, a guy who considered himself somewhat of a perv, was nothing compared to their raw power. And he could barely see where the line was between jokes and utmost seriousness.
Timidly he piped up, "You would let him lather it with special sauce? There's no space for restraint here, huh?" It got a laugh out of the two of them, flooding him with relief.

"Nope, not at all! So don't hold back!" Ume egged them both on, having the time of her life.

When the food was prepared (blueberry-glazed ribs), it was so overwhelmingly tasty that they stopped being able to even speak. Even so, the two of them knew that there was complete and utter bliss in the moment.