[A/N] Non-Despair AU. Spoilers involved.

It was only a distant, fuzzy memory in his mind now. He wasn't quite sure why he was reaching for it, the tendrils of thoughts long gone, but here he was, laying in bed and trying to remember her face.

Was her hair... blonde? No, it was definitely light brown, a bob cut. And she had big blue eyes, and she always wore light-up shoes. Her name was absolutely escaping him.

She told very exciting stories. While most of the class would run around or play sports together, she would grab a group of three or four people, and they would just sit on the bench and watch while she expanded upon whatever weird idea she came up with. The one he could most easily recall was a tale about an illicit trade that went on in the school at night, where you could exchange your prized possession for a dragon egg.

Even then, he knew deep down that he shouldn't be wasting time on the frivolous stories of his classmates. He was top of his class, and he would protect his position with his life. He had to keep studying. But something about her was so magnetic.

Sometimes he would even help her understand their homework in math or science— she excelled in both Japanese and English, and was one of few who could give him a run for his money.

He tried to remember the feeling of wanting to hold her hand, or hoping that somebody would dare him to kiss her on the cheek. He gave her some sort of present... was it a cool eraser? Yeah, the dinosaur one.

Now, the part of the story he remembered most clearly. "Mother, Father, I think I like-like someone. She's so interesting, and she's smart!" He recalled specifically emphasizing that part, as though it would change anything about the circumstance.

"That's fine, dear, but remember: your studies come before everything else. You must work hard so that you may be useful to the world. You must make us proud. This little crush... do not let it overwhelm your priorities, Keiji. Do not disappoint us. Now, run along and study for your practice exams."

And it was then that Keiji Seikiguchi decided that romance was a mere distraction, something to be discarded. For those who craved it, no shame on their part, but he would not "like-like" anyone ever again. There were more important things to be thinking about than a smart, fascinating girl... in fact, those sorts of people were to be viewed as competition only... or perhaps goals to aspire to, if they could outdo him.

He'd left that group of people and never looked back, choosing instead to spend every single break in the library, trying to get his reading to high-school level before finishing grade school. And when they got too pushy, he snapped at that. It was the first time he'd yelled at anyone, and she cried, and he hated it. But he never said sorry. That was the only way he could keep them away long enough that they'd just stop distracting him.

He excelled exponentially. He became respected for his academic achievement, and when he heard whispers about the demon, the absolute asshole who was always top of the class, he decided to excel at that part, too. Always in service of being useful. Of keeping them proud. Plus, there was his personal goal that he aspired to. Break the record. Leave a legacy that would literally go down in the books. Other people were not his to befriend. That was the choice he'd made.

So why? Why, why, why did he keep THINKING of that woman? Why was she so persistent in conversing with him, even though he hurt her so many times before cracking and letting her in? Why could she see goodness in him that even HE couldn't see?

How was she helping him get better? He thought it was impossible, but he was slowly but surely shifting. He could end conversations without yelling or making a caustic remark. He could offer sincere compliments that weren't just aimed toward someone's intellect. He could let people KNOW things about him.

And he was terribly frightened, because in those memories of the past, he found the answer to the question he'd tried to nudge out of the way for months. He wanted to... hold Joanie's hand. He wanted someone to dare him to kiss her on the cheek. More than that, he wanted to talk to her for hours, anything from the movies she loved to the facts he'd learned to their goddamn childhoods of all things. Because she fucking fascinated him.

Was it even allowed for someone like him to develop feelings for someone? He didn't like it. It felt unsettling, because he'd shoved everything down for so, so long. It felt like something was writhing inside him.

Ah, damn. He had gotten online to learn facts about entomology, but he'd gotten sidetracked and looked up Aika lore. If things kept pushing on this way... he would start to slip, and he'd fail to achieve everyone's expectations. It was all such a waste of time, such a distraction! Except, that stupid, warm, fuzzy part that he'd finally started to feed just a bit told him that it wasn't.

It made him want to throw his encyclopedia at the wall.

The doorbell rang. He frantically closed tabs of "Heavenly Blessing-Granter" images and interviews. Next, he searched for the cotinis genus before daring to open the door. Then, if anyone abducted his laptop, they'd just see beetles.

"Morning! How long have you been up?" she asked.

Unless someone looked through his search history. He'd have to delete that ASAP. "Two hours. I've just been learning about cotinis mutabilis... figeater beetles," he lied.

"Take a break. It's breakfast time. Tozen made veggie frittata muffins, and we're all gonna eat together." She turned away from him and started marching off. But she paused and cast him a glance over her shoulder. "That's an order, got it?"

"Well, fucking... wait for me, then, at least," he grumbled, commanding his heartbeat to slow.

At least for half an hour, Keiji Seikiguchi would abandon his studies in favor of a hot meal with the people in the building. The people who might one day even think of him as a friend.