"je me suis trouvé..."

there was a pitter-patter of feet, lightly echoing down an expansive hallway much like the rain against the gray stone of the manor's exterior. giggling, soft and sweet, bubbled like a brook from around a corner, its direction remaining a mystery to those wandering about. a wisp of curled hair caught a glimmer of the dreary morning's sun, the picture of bronzed perfection as it slipped back into the recesses of the manor's numerous shadows. the girl was being chased, the slamming of footfalls behind her resounded just the same as her own. this was all in good fun though, wasn't it? a harmless child's game where her nanny tried to keep her from seeing her mama and papa, but this time she'd make it to their conjoined study before anyone could stop her. 

paints smeared the front of her smock, stippled across her hands and cheeks like freckles in a startling array of colors; she always had loved the arts. and today she'd painted the best she'd ever done before! a crumpled piece of parchment was held fast in her grubby fist, the crude resemblance of the girl's mother wrought across its surface. this time, she knew this time would be it for her. a chance to show her skill, to garner just a smidgen of the familial love she so often read about in her fairytales. she knew she could do it if she tried hard enough; the maids all told her she was the cutest little lady around, so maybe that would persuade her mama to her side. she did nearly everything she was told! sure, she got into trouble sometimes, but it was all in good fun! nothing to take all that seriously, right? 

reaching the door, the child found herself pausing, taking a moment to glance towards the frantic approach of her nanny. "darling, please don't go through those doors," the woman pleaded, horror dawning on her face as she realized how she'd worded her statement. the child, still naive as all get out, laughed jovially at the challenge. her arm reached out, knocked against the door, and swung it open promptly without further notice. two heads simultaneously turned at the sudden intrusion, watching skeptically as the child ran towards them. "mama! papa! look at my picture! isn't it pretty? i think it's really pretty. nanny thinks it's pretty too. i used a lotta pretty colors, but then they got all over me and then nanny got mad so we started playing tag and everyone in the whole house got in on it and-" joyful babbling was cut short by the slamming of a book against the hardwood table her parents resided at, her father simply carrying on with his business as his wife approached their daughter with quick strides. a quiet fury stole over her mother's features, something that had the rambunctious girl scrambling backward from to escape. 

she remembered now why she wasn't allowed near her parents' office. her giddy heart that had lept with joy a few moments prior nearly seized in fear as she felt herself become cornered, already beginning to feel tears welling from deep within. "just who on earth do you think you are, barging into a room unannounced? certainly, no daughter of mine would even think of doing something so shameful. and what's that you've got in your hand? come now, hand it over," the woman demanded, frankly snatching the parchment from the child as she stood idly, paralyzed with fear. her mother scoffed, squinting at the sheet once before throwing it to the fire that roared behind her. "was that supposed to be a picture of me, imogen? really? because frankly, i expected much more from someone who's been taking art lessons for so long. you're 6 years old, for god's sake. your brother could play his first instrument by then, and you're still scribbling on paper? what good is a daughter that can't pull her weight?" the woman tsked, rolling her eyes before turning away from the child. tears trekked down from wide eyes, entranced by the fire that licked at her picture. and she felt it; anger. she was mad, and she was gonna let her mama know that. "no, you're no good mama. no good at all," the child retorted under her breath, wiping her eyes with fists clenched tightly. 

the room fell into an eerie silence; you could've heard a pin drop if you listened close enough. then a crack like lightning; a yelp into the void. the child held her cheek, sobbing openly into her shaking palms as her mother calmly returned to her seat. stumbling onto the feet she'd fallen from, the small girl made for the door, running into her nanny's legs full force. clutching to the woman's skirts, the child made her retreat. she wouldn't be returning for a while; no, not at all. and the next day, the girl's art lessons had been canceled.

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seasons flickered across the young woman's vision, something she found herself to not indulge herself in quite as much these days. no, these days were spent for her studies, for bettering herself. no longer would she spend her summer days lazing around in the sun, or her springtimes riding horses and enjoying picnics. she was a proper young lady now; freshly introduced to society at the ripe age of 13. she had grown into a beautiful morsel of a woman, at least from what she heard in whispers as she passed. her curls were tamed now, tucked securely into a demure braid that wouldn't catch the eye of anyone by happenstance. no paints, let alone colors adorned her frame. she reserved herself to somber greys, to shadows her glory days as a child had rarely dabbled. still, attentions flew her way. and with that, so too did her mother.

it started with small things; leaving her favorite snacks out after a lesson, sending her new dresses to don. finding these well-received by the attention-starved teenager, her mother found that she could step up her game. it escalated from there, much to the young woman's surprise. now she was being invited to chat for tea, with a seemingly different mother at the head of every occasion. she was being sent out to parties to intermingle, and her mother held her hand on the carriage rides. and the advice she was being given; she read into everything as if it were the word of god himself.

"now listen closely, my little orange blossom. you know mama has your best interests at heart, right? i would never do anything that would negatively affect you," the older woman would soothe, combing a hand gently through her daughter's tresses. the younger could only manage a nod most of the time; a learned behavior kept from her early life. her mother would smile, pleased to see her daughter so complacently demure. "blood is the only thing you can trust in this world, my heart. you're far too pretty to not know that, right? right. you've always been my bright little girl." she never got a word in otherwise, the teenager. simply kept her head down and did as she was told for those tender moments she got to share with her mother. she'd hungered for them for so long, and she wasn't going to let any manner of speech inhibit this progress she'd made towards her happily ever after.

she studied, she danced, she wined and dined at every occasion her mother presented her at. and perhaps...perhaps she grew too complacent. because now her mother had begun to look at her with a twisted sort of jealousy, something she had grown accustomed to before but hadn't quite experienced in full force. it was confusing, an all-consuming fire that seemed to tarnish everything that ran through its course. first, it was her studies; suddenly she just wasn't trying hard enough. work piled on top of work, the young woman spending countless sleepless nights attempting to finish the coursework her tutors dished out. then she wasn't presentable enough, and her exercises became more rigorous. bruises adorned her bronzed skin, reminiscent to the paint that seeped into her pores as a child.

it was just by happenstance that the girl found why she was so harshly being worked. she hadn't meant to pry that day; simply relay to her mother that she'd finished up her dance lessons so they'd have time for tea. then she heard it; her name attached to the word betrothal. she felt her world shatter around her bit by bit, the glass finding its way into her heart and wrapping around it cruelly. tears welled into dulled eyes, and the young woman numbly swung the door open. "i won't do it," she'd said simply, voice unwavering despite the lone droplet of water the rolled down the expanse of her cheek. and just like that, whatever relationship she'd thought she had with her mother was gone and so too went her loving heart. if blood could betray her, then what was the use of letting anyone in?

❅❅❅

winter weathered at the woman's weary soul, a shudder running through her frail body. today was her first day in the palace as a hand to the queen, and already she'd found herself overwhelmed. the warmth she'd experienced here simply by interacting as she should've astounded her, was a shock to senses she hadn't thought herself capable of possessing. to feel appreciated without doing so much as smiling at someone felt wrong, offputting in a way that would be hard to present to other people. she wasn't used to being cared for, being coddled like the queen seemed all too eager to do. no, she didn't trust it one bit. they were only here to use her for her talents after all. that's why she'd been hired, hadn't she? she couldn't see any other reasons besides that.

there were the odd few that attempted to get close to the icy backbone of the queen, but none truly prevailed in that manner. she had reserved herself to formalities, practiced words and lines that kept the general populace satisfied and kept herself out of harm's way. and then came the queen's left hand. a bright young girl with a stubborn will, a want to break through the other woman's icy facade like no one had done before. and surprisingly, with enough time, the woman allowed her to. she'd grown...lonely, and the companionship of someone who worked close beside you felt oddly nice. that didn't mean, however, that she'd gone soft in any regard. if anything, it toughened her up for even harder blows.

but sometimes, when the light of the moon filled her room and sleep was the last thing of her mind, she found herself. she had a name, a purpose now that she hadn't had before.

and as the stars blinded her to tears, imogen verana lenore wept.

❅❅❅

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