HARRY STYLES

As I exhaled the smoke from the small rolled joint, I felt the immediate release of tension once the smoke was blown into the room. The empty bottles of whiskey and bourbon in front of me remind me of my past as I sat by myself in the living room. I haven't eaten in days, and the times when I do sleep nightmares scar my mind, but alcohol always helps me with that. 

She wouldn't be happy if she found out I did this to myself. She would be upset if she knew I wasn't eating or sleeping. She would get mad at me for keeping myself in a dangerous high for hours on end. She would be mad at me, upset, angry, morbid. But most of all, she would be disappointed in me that I allowed myself to get this way and have no intentions for it to stop.

I guess that's my fault, really.  I hid something that she needed to know a long time ago.  Something that had more to do with her then it ever will with me. I'm still hiding from her, but I can't bring myself to find her or even look for her.  I don't want to see her face when she figures out the lies I told her. She would never want to hear it, especially because I told her I loved her.

That was the only truth in the matter. I love her so much, too much for my own good. She will never believe my love for her once I tell her everything which brings me right back to square one. I can't admit this to her now, not when I've kept this high for days and haven't showered since the morning she found out. Although I don't have the intentions to talk to her, it is driving me insane not knowing where she is. I'll figure it out.

I wonder if she misses me. I sure as hell miss her. I'm exhausted and angry and sad and really fücking horny. I need sex or a blowjob. But I don't think I can be with others girls when I'm her boyfriend. Not that I would want to. Am I even her boyfriend still? I wonder if she already moved on. Is she still in Europe? I can't even think straight right now and the bulge stirring up in my pants isn't helping the situation at all.

The doorbell rang and my heart clenched in my chest. I know that there is no way it's her, but it's fun to imagine. I put the joint in my ashtray for now and got up to walk towards the door. I staggered a bit before be able to regain my balance and walk in a somewhat normal manner. My feet dragged across the floor as my dirty boots left prints on the floor. I adjusted my dïck so that it rested more comfortably in my pants before opening the door.

Luchesi stood at the door with tired eyes and large bags under his eyes. He looked completely exhausted and worn out. He walked into the house without a word as he walked towards the living room. He was wearing sweatpants, actually I think those are my sweatpants and a dirty t-shirt. What the fück is going on with him? I followed him into the living room where he plopped down on a coach and myself in my chair.

"You're smoking again?" he asked, picking up the joint from the ashtray.

"Alcohol is weak, I need something more" I admitted.

Surprisingly, Luchesi brought his lips to the joint before taking a large inhale and releasing the smoke in the air. My eyebrows raised when he put the joint down and looked back at me before shrugging his shoulders.

"You're not the only one that needs to forget for a bit" he said making me stand up and walk over to the couch he was sitting on.

"What's going on with you?" I asked, taking a swig from the almost empty whiskey bottle.

"A bunch of everything" he began "Women, Ferocious, Arabella" he said making my head snap up.

"What about Arabella?" I asked.

"She's drinking and smoking?" I asked with a sarcastic tone earning an eye roll from Luchesi.

"No but she's drowning herself just like you are. She doesn't talk or eat or sleep or do anything for that matter" he said making my heart sink.

"Where is she?" I asked.

"Anthony's. I let her stay in my room and she hasn't left since we got there" he said.

"She's staying in your room?" I asked, feeling the jealously heat up in my stomach.

"Don't even start, you know I wouldn't try anything" he said.

"I know, sorry" I said.

"Sophia finally got her to shower today. I was hoping she could get her to talk but I'm not sure if she'll even say a word" he said.

"She isn't sleeping?" I asked.

"A little, she has... nightmares" he said making my chest hurt.

"I know how that feels" I said.

"Christmas is in a few days, are you going to the party?" he asked.

"Absolutely fücking not" I said taking another swig from the bottle. My head began to feel a bit fuzzy.

"It's your gang" he reminded me.

"I'm staying here. I just want to drink and smoke and be by myself" I said.

"Sophia is trying to get her to come" he said.

"Good for her, I don't care" I lied.

"I think you do" he said making me roll my eyes.

"I'm not ready to face her" I said.

"You will have to sometime, you can't keep her waiting forever" he reminded me.

"I'll figure it out" I said.

We sat in silence as the both of us took turns taking swigs out of the bottles on the table and passing the joint back and forth. I had a slight buzz and the pot hasn't hit me yet. Luchesi still looks sober from both and I have a feeling that it will be this way for a while until one of us decides to get a full bottle of alcohol and a new joint. Until then we can just sit in this sober mess.

"Did you say you were having a women problem?" I asked looking over at him as he shrugged.

"Nothing too important" he responded.

"You have a girl?" I asked making him shrug.

"Not really, I have a someone but she's not my girl" he said.

"Who is it?" I asked.

"You don't know her" he said.

"I don't care, what's her name?" I asked.

"It's none of your business" he said.

"Have you guys fücked? Did you get a blowjob? Does she have big tits?" I asked making him laugh and tip his head back.

"You're annoying" he said.

"And you should talk" I said.

"We haven't fücked, I fingered her and she gave me a handjob.. in public" he said making me raise my eyebrows.

"Damn I didn't know you were into that shït" I said.

"Me either" he responded making a smokey laugh erupt from my lungs.

"Where she from?" I asked.

"Here, but I don't know where she was born" he said.

"When do I get to meet her?" I asked.

"She's not my girlfriend" he reminded me.

"Either was Arabella until a few weeks ago" I said.

"Not happening" he said.

"Whatever, shut up and drink" I said pushing the bottle into his hands with laugh.

A/N:

I'm not going to give excuses as to where I've been, it's not fair to any of you. Sometimes chapters just don't get up. Doesn't matter because I'm back now and school starts up again so I'll be back to my schedule.. which leads me to another thing...

Happy New Years!!!!

I wanted to do something new this year in my chapters so from now on I'll will be answering a few questions per chapter!

You can ask your questions here!!! 😄

So there was actually a tie for the title names and it was between Vervain and Dazed so I have decided that I will be choosing the title......Vervain!
With how I want to write the book I feel that Vervain will be more ideal title!
I'm going to post it once I have all of the characters, plot, cover, etc etc

Thanks for the love and support the past year especially, you have no idea how much it means to me!!

💗💗💗