⚠️TW⚠️: suicide preparatory behavior

May, 18th.

•Dinner with Seokjin, because he'll never forgive himself.

"I was surprised when you called. I thought you were still avoiding me."

Taehyung forces a small smile as he sits down across from Seokjin. Laying his coat on the back if his chair.

"I wasn't avoiding you. I had a lot of homework," He lies as he looks down at the menu. He wasn't hungry. He was never hungry anymore. "How have you been? How's, uhm, school?"

Seokjin chuckles and looks down at the menu as well. "Fine, I guess. Nothing new, honestly. Are you okay? You seem off."

"I'm fine. Just a little tired," Taehyung says dismissively. "I've been studying a lot lately. I want to be at the top of my class when I graduate."

"You deserve to be. You study more than anyone I know," Seokjin says. "My dad thinks you're too obsessed with your grades."

"I'm not. My grades aren't even good," He says before changing the subject m. "What are you getting?"

"I don't know." The older sighs. "How's your guy? Is he still not interested in meeting me?"

Taehyung can't help the way his expression changes when he's reminded of him. His smile falters, and his eyes immediately burn with tears.

    "What? Did you guys breakup or something?" Seokjin asks when he sees Taehyung's face. "You look upset all of the sudden."

    "Let's not talk about him," He says, swallowing his tears before Seokjin can notice. "I heard the salmon is good here."

    "I hate salmon," His brother says, still eyeing him a bit suspiciously. "I'll just have whatever you're having."

Dinner goes well. The conversation is light and they banter comfortably with each other. Which seems odd compared to their usual conversations.

The two seem to get along better than they have since they met.

    "We'll have to do this again," Seokjin says, pulling the brunette into a hug. "I had fun. I love you, okay?"

    "Don't be weird, hyung." Taehyung chuckles, pulling away from the hug. "I love you too, I guess."

This would be the last hug he'd ever give his step brother. And probably the last one he would receive. But he couldn't dwell too much on that.

    "See you tomorrow," Seokjin says before walking away. His words almost seem ironic.

As he's headed back to his apartment, Taehyung runs into his old roommate.

    "I haven't seen you around here in forever." Hoseok laughs as he randomly hugs the brunette. "How's everything been for you? Did you get on the chancellor's list like you said you would?"

    "Not yet." Taehyung chuckles, Hoseok always had so much energy. More than he could ever imagine having. "How are classes going?"

    "Alright. My grades are actually not that bad." Hoseok smiles. "I need a B in biology to keep my spot in the honors program. Maybe you can tutor me sometime. Since you're so smart. You should come by and the three of us can have a study session—Seokjin and us."

    "I'm not smart," Taehyung says, shaking his head.

    "Agree to disagree." Hoseok shrugs. "I'd love to catch up but I'm meeting a few friends down at the cafe."

    "Oh, please, don't let me keep you," Taehyung says quickly. "I'll see you around."

    "Hey, why don't you come? We're just gonna be sitting around eating and stuff." His invite sounds genuine but it feels like he's only asking out of pity.

    "I can't. I have homework," Taehyung says. "Still trying to get on the chancellor's list, y'know."

Hoseok chuckles, patting Taehyung on the arm. "Cool, good luck. I'll see you later. Maybe we can hang out tomorrow if you're free?"

    "Sure," He says, only he wasn't planning on seeing anything or anyone tomorrow.

•Call mom, because she needs to know that I love her.

    "Hey, mom. Are you busy?" Taehyung asks as he takes a seat on one of the many benches that litter the campus.

    "I'm just getting in from the grocery store. The shopper forgot to get the spinach I asked for. You know I can't eat a salad without spinach." His mother laughs on the other line. "I'm surprised to hear from you. I almost thought you disappeared off the face of the earth."

    "No, I've been really busy with school. My workload has increased significantly since last year." It wasn't a lie, but it wasn't the entire truth either. "I'm sorry I didn't call sooner."

    "It's fine. I worry about you so much," Mrs. Kim says. "Seokjin says you look tired. And that you're losing a lot of weight. Are you too stressed? Do you need to come home?"

    "No, mom, I don't need to come home," Taehyung says, his leg bouncing as his body started to crave the release of nicotine that he's grown so dependent on. "I'm not losing weight. And of course I'm tired, I'm trying to graduate early."

    "Okay. But if you'd feel better coming home, you can. I don't want you to get too stressed."

    "I'm not stressed. I didn't call to talk about me, anyway. I want to know how you're doing," Taehyung says, quickly changing the subject. "Are you happy?"

    "Am I happy?" Mrs. Kim repeats in confusion. "Yes, I'm happy. Why do you ask?"

    "Just because, I think it's important that you are," He says looking off into the distance. "It's important that you're happy right now."

    "You sound so tired, Tae~"

    "I'm not tired, mom." Tears start to form in his eyes. He was tired, he was extremely tired. "I just called to let you know that I'm alright. And that I love you, okay? I love you and I'll be okay."

    "Okay. Take care of yourself," His mother says. "I'll send a care package in the mail soon."

    "Thank you. I love you."

    "I love you too. See you soon."

Taehyung ends the call, looking down at his phone with tears in his eyes. He couldn't afford to have second thoughts.

So he didn't think at all.

He stands from the bench and takes the familiar route to the library. A sad smile forming on his lips when he finds their table empty.

He takes a seat, looking around the nearly empty library. He isn't sure what he's looking for but he doesn't find it. Instead he finds a pen and a piece of paper. And he writes his final goodbye to Jeongguk.

January 12th was the day my life changed forever. Because that was the day I met you, Jeongguk. The day I first laid eyes on you. I remember the way you captivated me, I remember the way I longed to know you. And now I do, Jeongguk. I know you, and I love you. But you've broken me in ways I can hardly bare. In ways I don't think I can recover from. You made me feel loved, wanted, and even desired. Then you left.

You left me, and no matter how many times I call, you won't come back. I don't blame you for the fire you lit inside of me. I only blame you for never coming back to put it out.

Now I have to put it out myself.

Thank you for allowing me to feel your love... I hope you felt mine too. Don't blame yourself, you are not the one to blame.

I am.

~kth

Taehyung wipes his tears away as he creases the paper in half. Standing and walking over to the front desk of the library.

"Can I help you?" The librarian asks, offering a small smile.

"There's a guy I sit with everyday, at the table in the back," Taehyung says gesturing blindly to the table. "He's got brownish hair and he's my height. Always wears expensive clothes."

    "Okay?"

    "If he comes by anytime today, can you give him this?" Taehyung asks handing her the letter. "If he comes by can you give it to him? If not, just throw it away."

    "Okay. Sure."

    "Thank you," Taehyung says, bowing before walking out of the library. He heads straight to his apartment.

When he gets inside he looks around. Taking in the small apartment once more before going to the bathroom.

⚠️TW⚠️: suicide attempt, please read with caution or skip the rest of the chapter

He forces his mind to go completely blank. Only focusing on the sound of his own breathing as he opens his sleeping pills. He takes more than the recommended dosage—they only worked when he took more.

Afterwards he finds his razor. Taking a single blade from it before sinking down to the ground—ignoring the tears that fill his eyes. He wasn't sad, he wasn't even angry. He didn't feel anything as he pressed the blade into his wrist.

    "...put it out myself," He mumbles before dragging the blade across his skin. Closing his eyes as blood immediately pours from the wound. "I have to do it myself." He presses the blade into his other wrist, clenching his jaw as he cuts deeper than before.

His chest rises and falls rapidly but he can't hear himself breathing. His heartbeat is the only muffled sound he hears as he watches the blood flow, dark and endless.

    "I had to do it..."

⛅️⛅️⛅️