???????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im so

Also this is random but im kinda in my feels rn. Like sometimes i rlly question weather i should just leave wattpad and kinda not look back, maybe take up a new hobby or something. But then, i get 103 notifications today from you rocking dudes and i just get so happy. like my heart smiles :D like i enjoy putting things out that people like, and the comments and votes i get just make me feel good about writing, and not wanting to quit. Even if its only 8 people who vote, or 6 people who comment, it still makes a difference :)

alright now for some gay smut (lots of narry in this chap AYE)

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10/29/1824

"Hello, Love!" A voice cheers from outside my door, interrupting the conversation Alice and I were having.

"I wonder who it may be," Alice snickers, making her way to the door to let the visitor in, "My guess is Mr. Malik, but i'd be shocked if he left his office."

As if

"You're a comedian." I joke, trying to ignore the butterflies i felt in my stomach. I hadn't talked to Harry since our kiss, and quite honestly, I didn't want to talk to him now.

I feel so guilty.

"Hello, Harry." Alice greets, swinging the door open so Harry could have room to enter.

Harry falls sightly forward since he was resting his forehead on the door. He looks surprised to see her, as if he was expecting me to be alone. But nevertheless, he smiles.

"Hello, Alice. It's nice to see you," Harry greets, nodding to her, "Pardon my interruption, i wasn't aware there was a meeting."

"Its quite alright, I was on my way to the washroom anyways," Alice reassured, beckoning Harry in so she could leave, "Goodbye, Niall. I'll be back, unless i get caught by my coworkers."

No, don't leave me alone with him!

"Goodbye, Alice." I stiffly said, feeling Harry's eyes on me once i talked. I follow her with my eyes then drop my gaze to the wall once she exits.

"Hello, Love." Harry greets, more tender than he had been at the door. He walks over to me and joins me on my bed.

Oh god, here we go.

"Hello, Harry." I respond, flickering my eyes up at him before returning my gaze to the wall. Although i'm not looking at him, i can feel the heat radiating off his body and smell his sweet scent.

I'm already making this so awkward

"How are you doing, are you feeling well?" Harry questions, reaching his hand up and touching my forehead.

Although his hands are warm and feel nice on my skin, i slightly flinch at his touch.

If he touches me, i'm afraid i'll like it.

I cant like it.

"I am feeling well, just slightly fatigued." I lie, stretching down on my bed.

Harry bites the inside of his cheek. "I shall cover you with-wheres my blanket?" He asks, looking around for the blanket i had balled up.

I feel my face turn pale, "It's in the wash, i felt it needed a cleaning."

"I see," Harry mummers, looking back over at me, "Love, I am worried."

"Is this about our kiss?" He bluntly asks, grasping my hand in his.

I fight the urge to pull away.

He means well, he means well.

I sit up, sitting crossed leg and facing him. "Indeed." I admit, not telling any more.

"Did you not like it?" He further questions, looking at me with a concerned facial expression. The hand he had grabbed received a squeeze from him.

"No, that's the thing," I whisper, "I liked it, too much."

It felt good to get the weight off my chest, but it also felt wrong to announce the crime i had committed.

"Niall," He called, grabbing my attention, "I liked it too."

He leaned in, pressing his lips to mine and stealing another kiss.

"We shouldn't be doing this," I shake my head, clenching my eyes shut, "You're my friend."

"You're my love," Harry professed, "My only love."

He nuzzled his nose against mine, trying to win a smile from me.

It didn't work.

"Harry," I stutter, unsure of how to word my thoughts, "You love me, romantically?"

All i want to do was hide under a blanket and sleep until i was 80.

"Indeed. I thought i had made it obvious, and that you returned the feeling," He confessed, his voice turning uncertain, "But im not sure now. I hope i hadn't made you feel uncomfortable. That is the last thing i want."

He let go of my hand, retreating his own back in his lap. He leaned back from me, sitting in his own personal space.

"I was wanting to start a family with you and Freddy. I thought we could pass as roommates, nobody would have to know but us. I decided to work here in an attempt to convince you to come home, but now i understand more of why you want to work here and why you were so didn't go home with me that night."

The pain in his voice isn't hidden, the heartbreak he bares is sprawled on his sleeve. His head is hung low, the curls covering his sorrow filled face.

He begins to stand after i stay silent, his movements are slow and unsteady.

"I see," He struggles to talk, sounding as if he were as if he could break at any second, "I bid you a good day."

I feel even more guilty than before, it's not like I despise Harry, I really do love him.He's my best friend and has been with me for so long.

I did enjoy our kiss and they way he touched me, but I wasn't sure if I was ready to start a family with him.

I didn't even know he was gay until now, hell, I didn't even know I was gay.

This is all too much, but i feel so bad. 

Maybe i do love him, i just have to give it a try.

"Wait," I call, stopping him in his tracks, "I want to be with you." 

He turns around, looking at me with hopeful but tear filled eyes. "You do?" He asks, seeming like a small child. 

"Indeed." 

I hope i don't regret this, but i would regret not checking the hallway...

~*~

10/30/1824

"What did you say he looked like again?" I ask Alice as we walk down to the lunch room. 

"Blue eyes, brown hair." Alice shrugged, digging into her sandwich. 

"Ah, yes, very insightful and detailed." I say, looking over at her with squinted eyes. 

"Hey, im not a caretaker. If anything, Avery might know the most about him. After all, they did work together." Alice defended herself, putting her hand up for a second before digging back into her food. 

My old chum, Avery. 

"Okay," I sigh, but then get an idea after i spot Avery, "Actually, i shall visit her now." I grab my bread, deciding i could hold off until dinner.

Alice hums, waving me away as i left, and turns to Florence to chat.

She looks lonely, I hope she'll enjoy my company. 

I dont care how awful this interaction is going to be, i need to find out who Louis is. 

"Hello, Avery." I greet, keeping my hand with the bread behind my back. I take a seat across from her. 

She looks up at me and drinks her water slowly. 

"I want to apologize about my mentioning of Lisa from the other day, i didn't mean for our conversation to end like that." I admit, giving her a small smile to show how genuine i am. 

She looks away, finding the lunch line more interesting. Her plate was already empty, so im not sure if she didn't get lunch or already ate it.

"I brought you some extra lunch if you're hungry, i thought i could provide this bread in attempt to make a peace offering." I say, revealing the bread i had behind my back for her to take. 

She wrinkles her face in disgust, "I don't eat dirty food, boy. You mistake me for some animal?" 

Yes.

"Oh, pardon, i should have carried it over in the foil. My apologies." I stutter, quickly retrieving my hand. 

"What do you want?" She sighs, keeping her squinted eyes on me. 

I hesitate, not wanting to upset her again, but i have to speak with Louis. 

"I was wondering if you could provide further information on the janitor that worked before me," I begin, using a slow and steady voice, "Louis." 

Her face falls, and i prepare for another outburst. 

"Louis was my friend." She states coldly, not telling any information. 

"I've heard good things about him," I lie, "What does he look like?"

"He has a scar that runs down his face, cutting through his left eye," She spits, "Such an ugly scar."

"What was he like?" I continue, trying to picture a man in my head.

"Louis was a good boy," She begins, taking on a solemn form i had never seen, "Too good for this place." 

"What do you mean?" I lightly ask, leaning forward in my seat. Ill take all the information i can get.

I hope this ends well..

"He cleaned the basement, every day he would cry for the women locked away in those damn cages," She began, anger rising in her, "The one time he tries to help, Dr. Fear catches him." 

She pauses, reliving the moment in her head, "Now I clean the basement, i am the one to suffer with those women. The upstairs was the only sterile place in this building." 

Avery looks up at me with such resentment, "You took my refuge away from me, boy." 

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I was rlly feeling myself today, like love yourself dudes.

Questions :P

1) rip Narry ;( Neil a pos for using Harry 

2) Its so fun watching people with 'Ziall' in their username and 'Narry' comment on my story, supporting their ship. Its like a lil fight bc ONE SHIP WILL BURN AND WITHER UP AND EVERY CUTE MOMENT WILL BE IN VAIN, SUFFER MY CHILDREN (Ig this isnt a question but yoloooo)

3) so i didnt get a computer for Christmas :( once school starts up again, an update will probs be years after the previous.  Also, i wont be home until January 2nd?? So this might be the last update until then, unless i can update sooner.

4) Who do you think was out in the hallway? (i dont even know who lmao, cant help ya here)

6) Zaddy Zayn out here having an orgy down in the basement. what do you guys think?

5) A very genuine shout out to @itnihoran  @trulyziall @MyNarryship for commenting! You dudes are like my newer commenters and i just thought i'd say THANK YOU and welcome, the comments is where we have parties.

Sometimes i feel bad when yall comment and i hype up your theories like yas use that brain. But like i dont even know what going on so dont trust me. Some readers get  confused and im like girl me too and this is my own damn book. 

help