Jiyong told himself that Seungri was not enough. He told everyone he knew that Seungri was not enough yet. He told Seungri himself that he was not enough.

Jiyong was afraid of falling in love.

Jiyong forgot everything when Seungri was near. He couldn't see what's wrong, he didn't remember his fear.

Jiyong didn't know what life was until Seungri came into his life. Jiyong didn't know what love was until Seungri asked him to stop. Jiyong didn't know what lost was until Seungri disappeared.

Jiyong didn't know everything, most of things, until Seungri.

***

Seungri's house is big. It has white walls, pillars, and a patio. The gate is open and Seungri didn't ask him to leave, didn't shout at him, didn't question Jiyong's act of running away.

"Hey," it sounds dull even to Jiyong's ears.

"Hi again," Seungri shrugs, he's wearing a plain black t-shirt and jeans and running shoes and an expensive looking watch. Jiyong would lecture him about fashion, about how he want him to dress up, about how he want Seungri to pay attention to their choice of clothes if only it's not four years after Jiyong asked him to leave everything behind.

If only it's not four years after everything shattered and Jiyong has no idea of how to fix everything.

Or if anything is still fixable.

"So –um...I need to go," Daesung pats Jiyong's back. "Take care of hyung, okay?"

Jiyong glares at him but Seungri gives a little laugh.

"I always take care of hyung."

"Good. And Seungri?"

"Yes?"

"If Jiyong hyung does something stupid, just call me? I'd love to get the opportunity to smack him."

"Well, no? I won't miss the chance to smack him by myself," Seungri grins but he's not looking at Jiyong. "But thanks D-Lite–san."

"Guys, I'm the hyung here and I am listening to your conversations."

"Good luck then my hyung," Daesung waves him goodbye along with his famous eye–smile.

***

Seungri pushed himself into BIGBANG, squeezed himself to get his position. Seungri wished, Seungri dreamed, Seungri begged while Jiyong was taken aback. Seungri wanted to be part of BIGBANG while Jiyong refused the very idea of forming an idol group. Jiyong pushed Seungri away during their old days and Seungri worked his ass off, hard and too hard, to earn a gaze from Jiyong. It took few months for him, but it's worth it in the end. A little poke, a weak jab, a little more than 4 words sentence from Jiyong and Seungri bloomed like a sunflower that turned Jiyong into a red rose because Jiyong wasn't really sure if Seungri should see him like that.

Seungri was determined, while Jiyong was almost-giving up. Seungri would follow Jiyong's movements intently, taking mental notes of what to do, how to do, why to do. Seungri's eyes were sharp and focused, just like everything about Seungri was, alarmed and ready.

"You scared me," Jiyong told Seungri one night. They're just back from practicing and loads of things they had to do as soon-to-be-debuted group. Seungri smelled like hardwork and Jiyong was nothing but angry. He didn't really care, though, who heard, heard. "You seemed like you're going to eat me alive with those panda eyes of yours."

Seungri didn't look at him. There's a glimpse of emotion Jiyong never learned about before and he's not sure if he would ever find out what it was. Seungri was an open book but definitely one of the most confusing and difficult one Jiyong had ever read about. "You're my leader."

"And what's that supposed to mean?" Jiyong wasn't sure if he should call him Seunghyun or Seungri. Jiyong only knew one Seunghyun before and Seungri was almost nothing like that Seunghyun. Seungri meant Victory but Jiyong wasn't sure yet if he was one.

"I'm supposed to follow you, hyung," Seungri said and his voice was soft and wrecked. Jiyong was afraid if Seungri might break and he knew nothing about Seungri, about many things, let alone comforting anyone. "You don't like it?"

Jiyong didn't know the answer to that question, he wasn't sure if he'd find out the answer; if he'd ever find out about it. "It's not that I don't like it. It's just...we're not in the practice. I'm not a leader to you right now."

Seungri seemed to be at lost and it triggered the flame of anger inside Jiyong's chest. As much as Jiyong disliked the term leader, he liked being one, more than he'd ever admit himself.

"I am BIGBANG too."

Jiyong didn't know if Seungri was being defensive or proud or if that has any relation to what he said before; because it wasn't a question, it was a statement. Seungri made it through the audition, YG picked him –although the last and the final out of everyone else in the band –and Jiyong thought that maybe he was a little jealous of that; of the maknae's joys and happiness when the staffs congratulated them.

Jiyong was jealous of Seungri.

"Yes, you are," the newfound thought shook Jiyong and killed the anger in his head, in his heart; if that was ever been there. "-but we're home now, Seunghyun."

He hoped Seungri wasn't paying attention to him, to the hoarse of his voice, how it was thick foreign as the word home slipped past his lips. It wasn't a home yet to them, it wasn't even proper to be called a house. Youngbae called it a room and Jiyong agreed with no doubt. That was BIGBANG for now.

But Seungri was, paying attention to everything Jiyong, because Seungri always did.

"What?"

Jiyong was too tired for a debate. "We're home now, even though it's just a funny scented room."

"You called me Seunghyun."

"Wha- yeah, it's your name, right?"

Seungri was small compared to Jiyong in many ways, but he was smart, smarter than Jiyong would ever be. Seungri knew how to take, Seungri knew how to give, and Seungri knew how to let the moment pass yet keeping it in memories.

"It is, thank you, hyung."

Jiyong didn't know if he was scared of Seungri because he might break Jiyong's walls...or that he's afraid of himself that he might break Seungri one day. Jiyong hoped he'll find out soon, very soon.

***

"Nice house," Jiyong traces the patterns of red tulips painted in the walls with his fingertips. "It suits you."

"I don't come here often," Seungri says as if it was a question. "I crash in the apartment, mostly."

"Then why did you buy this house?" Jiyong waits until Seungri disappears to another room to sit on the black leather sofa. A large flat-screen television plays cartoons and Jiyong feels like looking into the past when bickering was their daily routine until night came and took away all the tension to let them snuggle against each other under the pink blanket they managed to steal from Seunghyun's room.

"Because it's nice," Seungri returns with two glasses and orange juice. Jiyong takes his offer and tries so hard not to feel when his fingers touch Seungri's hands, of how he wants to tease him about his chubby hands, his darker panda eyes, his curly hair.

"Thanks," Jiyong swallows hard, Seungri sits beside him and flicking through the channel with the remote. "Your house is nice."

Seungri doesn't say anything for a while, only tapping the button until he settles on one cartoon. "It's nice to have a house. I guess I just wanted to have something."

"Yeah," Jiyong nods. The orange juice is slightly sour but Jiyong's heart feels bitter. "It's always nice to have something," he speaks softly as his eyes glued to the Tom and Jerry on the screen but his mind travels to the conversation four years ago, about what to have, what to do, what he was supposed to do, what he thought he was supposed to do.

***