Summary:

A love he doesn't,
A feeling he can't,
A wish he shouldn't.

Chapter Text

"So hyung, how about you stop being a dick?"

Jiyong spits out his drink and it probably leave stains later on his suit but what he really cares about at the moment is either Daesung has gone insane or accidentally hit himself while practicing his drum skill.

"What?!"

"This," Daesung shakes his head, his soft Elizabeth Arden lipbalm-ed lips formed a thin line of disappointment and it settles Jiyong's guilt in his stomach immediately. " –Hyung."

Jiyong wants to punch him for adding the honorifics because it means Daesung still look up to him like he had to years ago. He wants to hug him because now, it's the only thing he can hold onto.

"It's not like you never seen me smoking," Jiyong flicks his cigarette, ashes fall to the round black table but he can always call for a room service. " –or drinking."

"I've seen many things about you," the younger man's voice is still thick and perfect, sweet in everything he speaks when it's private talk. "I thought I've seen the worst too."

"You thought?"

"Until today."

Jiyong doesn't raise a question, he doesn't have to. There are no lies or betrayal that can keep him away from this matter, not anymore. Not when his head is chanting all over again the same name, the same dream.

Seungri.

"Today is just not my day."

"It still has ten hours before it ends, hyung."

"What's the matter, Daesung?"

"Seungri called me. He said you left a note."

"Yeah."

"A thank you."

Jiyong crushes his cigarette and watches the fire down against the ashtray. "He's not pleased with it?"

"He's...surprised, I guess."

"Not expecting me to leave a note, huh?"

"...Not expecting you to leave, hyung."

"Daesung –"

"It's not about me, hyung," Daesung sighs. His hands are strong and warm, the way it always were. His eyes, however, are sad. Jiyong wants so badly to erase it, but he had seen the same emotion in Youngbae's eyes and Seunghyun's eyes, heck, he swears he had seen it in Dami's eyes too whenever they accidentally spoke about Seungri. "It's not about how you should explain to everyone about how you feel."

Jiyong wonders if his eyes also shine the same sadness.

"I don't...love. I don't."

"Because you don't want to?"

"Because I can't."

"Why can't you?"

Jiyong shrugs as if it's obvious. "I shouldn't, should I?"

Daesung remains silence as he waits, as if he knows there are more behind Jiyong's words, Jiyong's action, Jiyong's everything about Seungri.

"I shouldn't love him, Daesung–ah. It's Seungri."

"Why not?"

Jiyong stares at him. "Are you completely insane?"

"You can't even come up with one reason of why you can't love Seungri, hyung," Daesung smiles. "So why shouldn't you?"

***

The constant checks on him –secretly and not –made Jiyong felt uncomfortable enough that he had to snap and got sharp glares from Youngbae. Seungri apologized and gave up on reasoning himself for looking up at him, looking for him here and there after Jiyong told him that he didn't need someone –Seungri –to lean on after his relationship ended in rather tragic way than he expected it to be. And Seungri gave him a pack of chocopie that got Jiyong stood in front of his room with surprise all over his face.

"I heard you love it."

Jiyong was supposed to thank him but he didn't say anything.

"You'll do good without her too," Seungri said and his tone was softer than velvet, Jiyong wished he didn't hear him because he felt a lot more better than when he was with his ex-girlfriend and he needed the inspiration for his new broken-heart songs.

Jiyong replaced a thank you with a pat on Seungri's arm and the younger boy beamed at him, too bright that Jiyong ended up writing 3 pages about it while munching his chocopie, lyrics and melody he would never tell anyone, not even Seungri.

***

"Daesung wants me to talk to Seungri."

"Oh, he finally snapped," Seunghyun chuckles. "That's my boy."

"Since when Seungri is your boy?" Jiyong hates the growl he can't hold back.

"Daesung is. Seungri is yours, as far as I can recall, Jiyong."

Jiyong clears his throat. "Seungri is not mine."

"Apparently not since you can't even talk to him," there's a smirk behind it, a tease that as clear as the day.

"I don't want to talk to him."

"Oh trust me, you're dying to."

"I trust you in anything but your opinion about me," Jiyong hears his name being called. "Oops, Daesung is here."

"Here what?"

"I'm in the stall."

"WHAT?!"

Jiyong laughs and knocks follow against the door, Daesung's voice saying hyung, too. "Bye, Seunghyun."

"I thought you fainted or something," Daesung eyes him worriedly and Jiyong pats his hair. "What took you so long?"

"I called for help," Jiyong puts his mask on. "But it seems like universe is against me today."

"Well, you don't own universe, hyung."

"I don't," Jiyong puts his mask on. I wish I do.

***

It's Seungri's fault that Jiyong fell in love.

He shouldn't look up at Jiyong, asking him if he's good enough; if Seungri was enough. Because it made Jiyong smile and trust himself in his leader role.

He shouldn't tell Jiyong everything he had done, he had gone through because it made Jiyong's heart skip a beat at the thought that he's being trusted and depended on.

He shouldn't send Jiyong messages here and there everyday about anything because it made Jiyong feel less lonely when he caught up in hectic schedules.

He shouldn't show up with a takeout food from Chinese restaurant near Jiyong's apartment at night because it made Jiyong allow him to sleep over in his place; to stay.

He shouldn't speak too high about Jiyong because it made Jiyong happy, it made Jiyong eager to speak about Seungri too, to let the world know about Seungri, everything Jiyong was ready to share about.

He shouldn't come up with blankets, with jackets to cover up Jiyong's tired body sprawled on the sofa. He shouldn't come up with jokes or pathetic gags about himself to cover up Jiyong's scandal, Jiyong's embarrassment, Jiyong's uncomfortable silence during interviews or variety shows. Because it made Jiyong want him even more, to pull Seungri under the cover and never let him away ever again.

He shouldn't be there for Jiyong, because of Jiyong.

It made Jiyong fell in love with him, see blinding light that everything is white but Seungri.

It's all Seungri's fault, Jiyong told himself the day he pushed him away.

It's all Seungri's fault, Jiyong told himself those nights he drown himself in cigarette and pictures of Seungri.

It's all Seungri's fault, Jiyong told himself every day as he missed him, loved him even more.

***

"Don't mess up, okay?"

Jiyong laughs helplessly. "How?"

Daesung shrugs. "Don't turn your back, don't leave."

"What if I run away?"

"...Seungri will chase you."

"And if he won't?" Jiyong asks a question yet he doesn't want to hear the answer.

"What if he will?"

Jiyong doesn't say anything because there's too much opportunities, too much ways out, too much road to run away.

"Go, hyung."

"I have to knock?"

"No," Daesung laughs. "Barge in. You're good in it."

"Am I?"

"Yeah, barging in Seungri's personal space is your forte."

"That's not good."

"Seungri would let you."

"That's even worse."

Daesung's car honks twice, loudly. "Now you don't have to knock."

Jiyong gets out of the vehicle and his eyes meet Seungri's.

***