Fifty–eight.

That's how many days had passed since Seungri's leaving.

It's been fifty days since Jiyong got discharged from the hospital. Sitting on his rocking chair, Jiyong wonders if Seungri's promise was just as empty as his house now. If whatever it was –he couldn't remember clearly –has anything to do with a regret or an attempt to forget.

He picks his phone and counts to ten.

Still no messages.

***

Seungri's suitcase is not heavy but he feels weary nonetheless. He hears the speaker announces the next flight to Hong Kong to be delayed for fifteen minutes and a family in front of him sigh in unison.

His sneakers today is tosca that matches neither his shirt nor his pants. He wishes nobody would snap a picture and make him as tomorrow's joke all over the media.

"Your passport, Sir."

"Oh, here."

"Enjoy your flight."

Seungri wants to, of course.

***

I wish I could meet you in my dreams

And love you again

Just like this.

***

Jiyong throws another paper plane to the air, watching them fly the land in random pattern on his carpet.

He should be writing, words don't want to shut up in his head but he doesn't want to. Everytime he writes, no matter how good it's started, he couldn't seem to find a good end. He has to do something or else he'll fly out with his car. Maybe to Seunghyun's house. Maybe to Youngbae's, but he will disturb the family. Daesung is not usually available after 5 p.m., unfortunately.

Or he could just go out and be wherever his feet wants him to be.

But he doesn't feel like putting effort for being in incognito.

Feeling stranded, he lies down and closes his eyes. He can feel paper planes scattered around him like dead butterflies.

Where do you want to be?

It's Seungri's voice from ten years ago, when they stood in front of a huge world map.

Los Angeles.

We'll be there in two days, hyung.

So? The faster we get there, the sooner we'll be done.

Then where would you rather be?

Jiyong stares at the ceiling. "With you," he says out loud.

***

Seungri remembers the path like the back of his hand. He's been tracing it countless times in his head. He's been counting days.

"Seungri?"

He blinks. "What."

"Should I kick you out?" his manager rolls his eyes.

***

"Do you love me?"

"I do."

"How much?"

"That much."

"So much?"

"Too much."

***

Kwon Jiyong doesn't know what's more terrifying, the fact that he is seeing Lee Seungri standing in his front porch or the realization that he just drank a bottle of wine and this could be just part of his imagination that woud only leave him feel even more miserable later.

"You look like you need coffee," Seungri looks like he's just jumped out from one of the worst fashion magazine Jiyong keeps on his coffee table. When Jiyong doesn't say anything, he takes a step back. "Well –"

Jiyong's hand shot so fast to grab his that it startles them both. "Why the fuck are you here?"

Seungri had rehearsed this so many times in his head. "I told you, you're going to hate me."

"I do," Jiyong says, his voice stern. "Answer me, Seungri."

"Because I am going to ruin us both."

Jiyong sneers. "Are you playing with me?"

"I'm not," Seungri looks down at hand, still in Jiyong's hold like a personal handcuff. When Jiyong realizes where Seungri's gaze lays, he uncurls his fingers from around Seungri's wrist. "I don't know how to save you."

Jiyong waits for more but Seungri falls into silence. "What's going on, Seungri?"

"I love you," somewhere in between syllables a lone tear falls. "And I don't know how to pretend that I don't anymore."

Jiyong doesn't know how to react. He can't offer anything to say either besides a silent I love you too.

***

If I hold you tight, will you stay by my side?

If I let you go, can you promise me there won't be another hello?

***

"I was listening to you," Jiyong sighs, unable to bear anymore pregnant pause. Seungri is inside but Jiyong isn't sure if they should cross the invisible border. "The day I got into that accident."

Seungri's head spun so face Jiyong wonders if he's going to snap his neck. "What?"

"Radio," Jiyong shrugs. "It's not... –forget it."

"You don't hear radio," Seungri frowns.

"Must be fate."

Seungri shakes his head. "Must be bad luck."

"Stop," Jiyong squeezes his hand. "What happened? Are you goint to tell me?"

"Of course," Seungri finds his strength to smile. "Like I said, I'm going to ruin everything."

"What is everything?"

"You," when he says that, he is looking at Jiyong. "I'm going to come back here."

It takes sometime to digest the sentence until Jiyong finds out the meaning. "No longer staying in Japan?"

"Yeah, that," Seungri averts his gaze and years living with him, being in love with him had trained Jiyong's body to react faster than his brain.

"I'm sorry I ignored your calls," there are a lot of things he wants to say but if Seungri is going to be nearer from now on, even if that means digging deeper into the hole in his heart, Jiyong thinks he better start with apologize. Seungri's cheeks are warm against his palms. "I miss you a lot, Seungri."

"I miss you too."

"I was afraid," Jiyong amends. "That I'd ruin everything if I...if we..."

"That," Seungri whispers. "...is exactly what I'm going to do."

Outside, a little too early, signs of Spring had begun.

***

"Count to three."

"So childish. Then what?"

"Then make a wish!"

"Seriously?"

"Just do it!"

"Ugh, fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine."

"Are you done?"

"Yes. Now what?"

"Now open your eyes."

"...I don't see anything."

"Here's your cake? And the candles?"

"My wish, where is it?"

"Well, duh, it takes time to come true."

***

He's been playing with words for his whole life, he's been living out of it. Sometimes it's tangled with one another and the other time, verses aren't about himself. But surely he never felt so confused about how syllabels seemed like it came out from a distant or why at some point, it's so hard to understand.

Maybe he's stupid.

Or crazy.

"What?"

"I can't pretend that I don't love you," Seungri says but inside Jiyong's ears are explosion he can't process the confession. "And I don't want to pretend that I'm going to be okay with that."

"I need to drink," it's a stupid thing to say and years later, Jiyong would wonder where the sentence came from but right now he really needs to breathe. Seungri is speaking about dreams and he's sitting too close, Jiyong can feel the heat of his skin caressing his arm, the way it tickles and comforts him all the same.

Seungri's mouth parts to say something but he doesn't.

"You're talking as if we're going to figure out how," Jiyong regrets it immediately when Seungri's hand shakes as it travels to purchase a hold on Jiyong's flannel shirt.

"I told you," he still carries the courage and determination although through years Jiyong had figured out that Seungri would look at him for reassurance, for approval, for things he thought only Jiyong would be able to give him. "You're going to hate me."

"Stop it," Jiyong doesn't like the thought, not even a bit. His heart aches but it's not breaking like it always does. He still can't promise, he has no fucking idea of how to say goodbye, and it scares him that now, he doesn't have to.

That Seungri is going to give him everything he wants.

"I love you," Seungri tells him. It's something between a choke and a sob, Jiyong wants to know if Seungri too, feels like the air is never enough when it's just the two of them. "I want to love you. Now. Not later, not when I know how, not when we figure out how, not –"

"Why?" It's so bizarre Jiyong doesn't know if there would be an answer. And he doesn't want to find out either. Seungri is better at reasoning, Seungri is better in explaining and Seungri, is always better in convincing Jiyong that tomorrow would come.

"Because –"

So before Seungri has a chance to speak, Jiyong dives closer and presses his lips against Seungri's, swallowing the words frozen on his tongue hungrily until there's nothing but love dangling like a comma.

Seungri, like always, lets him in.

Five years, Jiyong ponders aloud in his head. That's how deep the hole inside him is.

Seungri's blood sings beneath him and it's more that just a sweet invitation. Jiyong wants nothing but to coax him up until there's no way he would think that it's not real. He wants to bury himself inside him until reality sinks in, dances like scars all around him, until there's no more things left to excuse himself from everything he needs.

Just because.

"I'm so scared," Seungri's eyes are closed but he finds no trouble to trace Jiyong's spine through his shirt. "That you're going hate me."

Jiyong wants to laugh, and maybe he needs to because the heat is closing around them and he's sure he's going to miss another beat of his heart as it falls into patterns he can't recognize. His brain seems to be disconnected from his head. It's all still so unreal.

Seungri cries out when he bites down on his neck, the kind of sound Jiyong feels needy for it. "Hyung," it's raspy and raw, Jiyong loves it so much. "I love you."

There are plenty reasons out there for him to be afraid but here, inside his house, there's none. The edges of his longing are red, the color of Seungri's eyes are ebony.

"I love you too," Jiyong kisses him again until Seungri's mouth is swollen and tender under his touch, until it feels like he's touching morning dew when the skin meets his thumb. "I love you."

***

Jiyong's nails were bitten to the quick. He wasn't nervous, not really. He didn't have priviledge to do so.

In front of him, Lee Seunghyun sat and his lips quirked down and his shoulders were squared like he's ready for a war.

Somehow, their eyes met and fate was about to start.

***

Seungri tries to catch his next breath but it seems to be fleeting away from him. His lungs are so full, his waist feels like it's burnt. Jiyong's fingertips skate along his ribs and his eyes are the night sky.

"You can't tell me no," Jiyong struggles for control but it's slipping away as Seungri issues another whimper beneath him. Sweat slides on his hair, running along his skin. When Jiyong slides his hand lower and lower, Seungri falls back against the carpet, his lips part and he never looked so much beautiful like he is now. "You can't back away from me."

"I won't," Seungri gasps on his ear and it's just another excuse for Jiyong to want him. "I can't."

***

Jiyong thought that he's ugly. The kind of ugly you couldn't see but feel.

But Seungri watched him as if he'd put stars on the sky.

And everytime Seungri's around, Jiyong believed that maybe, just maybe, the moon was just as pretty as the sun.

***

Jiyong can't help but watching as Seungri drifting in and out of sleep. His eyes are hooded and his hand lies across Jiyong's waist. The weight of his head fits perfectly on Jiyong's shoulder.

"You can't push me away."

Jiyong smiles. "I won't," he runs his fingers through Seungri's hair, strands tangled around his sense and the air is thick with Seungri's scent. "I can't."

"I don't have forever," Seungri's voice slurred but he's kicking his brain to speak. "I only have today."

"Hmm?"

"I don't know what's going to happen."

"Sleep, Seungri," Jiyong kisses his forehead and Seungri's eyes fall shut.

"I want to love you today, this moment..."

"I love you too," Jiyong wants to say it for the rest of his life. He wants to say it aloud, so loud he can't hear anything else. He doesn't know what's going to happen either. For the first time in his life, he doesn't feel like he's supposed to. Life is beautiful because you don't know everything. Love is beautiful because you can't always predict anything, and you shouldn't.

Kwon Jiyong, doesn't want to belong to the future, to the possibility of the afterlife, but today. He's not going to count on tomorrow but his next breath, all the time he's allowed to spend with Seungri.

Somewhere between the then and the now, he sees hope and he is home.

This, Jiyong thinks, is love.

***

Because the best love story doesn't end.

It never does.