Notes:

Seungri's POV

Chapter Text

I love him.

That, I can easily say as if it's a breathing. I can lost myself in new hobbies, I can squeeze myself into crowded space, I can go to the end of planet Earth, yet I'd always know where I belong.

I can pretend that I'm home although I know I won't ever be.

Not without him.

It's impossible to stop thinking about him. After all, he's literally everywhere. It doesn't matter where I go, he seems to be able to find me.

Or that I'd be looking for him.

I don't regret anything. I suppose if you want to delude yourself, if you strongly belive that you're doing the right thing, you'll find excuses and reasons out of everything. I could go to him, I could beg him to stay. I could change my mind, cross my own decision. I could look at him dead in the eyes and took everything back.

And I still wonder about it everyday, questioning if I should.

One more day, I'd tell myself whenever I felt the salt closing in my throat, whenever that bittersweet songs of his played on. One more day of not ruining his life.

I want him to have the life so badly I start to forget mine.

***

"You're supposed to be home."

I tried to find my voice but even it judged me. "He said it was emergency."

Jiyong stormed toward me so fast like lightning. I prepared myself for a thunderstorm but his arms wrapped around me like clouds, so light I hardly believed I was surrounded by him.

"I was worried," he said, those words riveting through the hem of my shirt until it settled inside my memory. "You could've been hurt."

I forgot to breathe, I forgot that it was indeed an emergency, that I never really told him I'd be home the time he came back.

"I'm fine," I said. "I'll be alright," because that's how it always felt when he's around.

***

"Seungri."

I turn around. "Hyung."

Sometimes, I swear, Daesung looks like he's 20. He's older than me, and by older I meant not only his age but his perpective and well, many other things. But then again, our style is different. Today, his outfit is a black sweater and jeans and his checkered black–white Vans's shoes. His hair is colored grey and blue, cut out short it frames his face like the time he had during his D-Day promotion days.

"I was looking for you," he says. Here, in hospital, people barely notice us. I guess it's because they come here to grieve or to celebrate about something bigger than themselves. They have no time to pay attention to other people, their energy had been wasted for someone else, something else more important.

"Is Jiyong–hyung okay?" I feel like I'm going to be sick. When I was told about his accident, I barely felt the ground beneath my feet. I couldn't remember the ride or the run or how could I find his room or what did I say to his parents.

Colors must be draining from my face because Daesung smiles. "He's fine, I just want to talk to you."

Just like that, the knot in my stomach unfurls.

"Do you want some tea? Or coffee?" I begin to search for my wallet. "They have juices too, but their orange juice is bad."

"Tea is fine."

I nod. "Okay."

***

I miss Jiyong terribly.

For years, I've been keeping myself from looking out for him because he had thrown me out of his life. After I learned how and why, I found myself like a broken dam, reaching every corner to find out what I've been missing. I'd bought magazines with articles about him, I'd watched every show with him in it, I once bought his concert ticket but I chickened out the last minute and waited outside the venue until it's done.

I thought it would be easier when I was the one who asked him to be out of my life, I've never been so wrong.

I couldn't help but wish that at least it did him right.

***

"I was scared too," Daesung starts, his cup of tea steaming before him, creating illusion that if you blink, he might disappear. "I couldn't think straight."

Here's the way when someone knows you so much you don't even need to say a word.

"Me too," I admit. "I don't even remember how I got here."

"Well," I've seen Daesung's smile countless times and never once it's not calming me down. Even those times when our bond was less strong, when we were so awkward I made list of excuses to be not in the same room as him, everytime he smiled I feel like it's going to be okay. "At least you didn't scare your manager to death that he showed up in front of your house still in his bathrobe."

I laugh. "I should tell him how lucky he was."

"You should," Daesung sips his tea. "I was so glad when I heard you're already here, in Korea."

"Hmm."

"You didn't tell me you're coming home."

I shrug. "I didn't tell anyone either."

Daesung's eyes meet mine and I know what he's going to ask even before he takes a breath to actually speak it out.

"I just wanted to see him," I say. "Do you think I'm the bad luck?"

"I don't know you believe such thing."

I hardly know what I believe anymore. "I was just...thinking."

"What were you thinking about?"

"About me. About Jiyong–hyung. About everything."

"Like a qualm?"

There were times I was certain this hyung was sort of mind reader. "Maybe. But I don't regret it."

"Because you shouldn't?" Daesung asks but I highly doubt it's still a question between us.

"I want to make him happy," I stir another spoonful of sugar into my coffee. "But sometimes I don't know how."

"Seungri," Daesung's voice is slightly wrecked. That scares me, I admit. "I don't think love is lucid like that."

"It's not that...Have you ever been in love?"

"That's out of the blue," he laughs and I notice the hesitation in it. "Yes, of course."

"You never told me about it," I blink, stunned with the fact that I know so less about him. "Are you still in love?"

"Are you?" he raises his eyebrows. "It's not a faucet. You can't turn it on and off just like that."

"Are you scared?" I realize that I'm asking myself instead of him. "Have you ever wish that..."

"Terrified," Daesung looks down and I close my eyes, trying to grip on our conversation, for the first time I see that I've been hurting more people than just myself and Jiyong.

"I'm sorry," I say. "I should've asked you, I should've...I don't know...pay attention instead of just..."

"You're confused," Daesung brushes it off. "And I'm the man of secrets."

"I can't argue with that, hyung."

"You shouldn't."

For a while we savor the silence.

"Seungri."

"Yeah?"

Daesung looks at me but I have slight vision that he's not really looking at me. "Do you believe in afterlife?"

"What?" I frown. "Like reincarnation?"

"Like that," he struggles to explain. "Like you'll meet again with me in the next life...that you can start over?"

I think about it and shake my head. "I don't."

"Then?"

I try to read his mind but failing as always. "Then what?"

Daesung sighs. "Then Seungri, go back to Jiyong–hyung because I have an appointment."

"Now?"

He stares at me for the longest time before he nods. "Now, Seungri. Now."

***

"I love you too. I always will."

I watched him ran out of my life. Rain fell like stars on the windowpane, but I couldn't think of a single wish. What's the point of wishing when you knew that you couldn't keep it?

Our times together came up in my mind as white and black videos played backward.

I remembered his smile, I remembered his laughter, I remembered his words, I remembered the day he didn't want me, I remembered those times when he let me hear his heartbeat.

Time machine.

I know exactly where I wanted to go now.

"Back," I whispered and it's thick with fog but nothing could fight the cold inside my chest. "Before."

***

He's skinny. Technically, he always is, but in a white room like this, with IV attached to his body as if it's a lifeline and bandages covering most of his skin, he looks nothing like Jiyong.

I watch his eyes flutter open from slumber, I savor the rise and fall of his chest.

"Hey," he whispers when he notices me standing by the door. "Welcome back."

"Like you'll meet again with me in the next life...that you can start over?"

I feel dizzy like the room falls away and it spins I can't hold onto anything. I feel like being swallowed by quicksand of realization and truth, the more I kick the more I drown.

"Seungri?" his voice is rhapsody. "Come here, are you okay?"

I shake my head. I don't know and I'm not sure if I'm going to find out anytime soon. "No."

"Are you sick? What happened?" he tries to rise from the bed, his face scrunches up in pain but his eyes are boring in to me. "I'll call the nurse, sit down."

I laugh but it comes out a sob. "Hyung."

"I say sit down, Seungri," he fumbles to push the emergency button attached to a cable on his hospital bed.

"You're going to hate me," I say. His head spins to look at me as if I'm crazy but I don't mind.

"You're crazy," he blurts out. "I'm not going to hate you," he adds softly. "What happened?"

I swallow the lump in my throat. "I need to go."

"Seungri."

"I'll be back," when he turns to look away from me, I whisper, "I promise."

"Now."

***

He was bored and I was bouncing on my seat.

"I'm trying to sleep, Seungri."

I stuck my tongue out at him. "No, you're not. You're just as excited as me."

He hit my head but it didn't hurt. He never meant to hurt me, that's what I've learned. "Stop acting like a cowboy, you're going to make us fall."

As if it was a cue, the plane began to shake and for a while I couldn't breathe. The next moment, I clutched onto his arm for dear life.

He chuckled on top of my head and because I pressed my face close onto his neck, it sounded like a rumble. "Don't worry, I was just kidding."

"What was that?" I was still caught in shock and fear. "Cloud? A storm?"

"Maybe," he patted my head. "It's okay."

Suddenly I didn't want to sit near the window anymore. "What if we fall?"

"We won't, Seungri."

"But what if?"

"Well, we fall together."

"We die," I say. The next thought striken me like thunderbolt. "You'll die."

He sneered. "Thanks for the imagination."

"No," I shook my head. I've never been this close to death to understand it before. I thought that I'd be terrified of leaving everything behind but now I knew that what even scarier was being left behind. "How about me?"

Jiyong raised his eyebrows. "Didn't I say that we'd fall together?"

***

Will this go away after time passes?

I remember the old times.

I remember you.

***

I don't know how I look like but it must be a whole lot of a mess.

"I can't promise you," my manager finally says. "But I'll do my best."

"Thank you," that's all I can say. "I know I'm ruining everything."

"Actually Seungri," he manages to laugh despite what I just told him. "It's not gonna be the first time."

"I know," I nod. "I'm so sorry."

***

I love you today.

A little too much than I did yesterday.

Must be less than I'd do tomorrow.

I love you.