Notes:

Jiyong's POV

Chapter Text

I call it magician. One time I'm an entertainer, then next I'm the healer. I make things disappear and I bring many more to the surface. I write, I sing, I listen, I keep silent. I present surprise, I run from the uproars. You can see me and you wonder if I've been there at all.

My world tour ended up in a great success that set me being interviewed countless times by magazines and television programs I didn't keep track of. I sang on so many stages, I even spoke in English during the first MC session on my last stage in Seoul.

My heart, however, still a ruin, one that I keep silently under my sleeves.

Let me tell you something.

Seungri didn't call my name when I ran out that night. I waited in the airport until they had to come to get me in the plane because they couldn't just call out for Kwon Jiyong through the speaker without causing a chaos.

That in the end, I didn't get to see him the day I left.

I've smiled until my cheeks hurt, I've laughed until I couldn't breathe and one time, I got so drunk that I passed out in my living room. When I woke up, the void in my chest was still there, a hole and never seemed to be smaller. I learned to live with it.

I miss him, everyday, every minute, if you want a dramatic line. I poured him in songs, some I gave out to the crowd, the rest I kept inside my drawer. This, I'd say to myself everytime I go out. Is what he wanted me to be.

I ignored his call on my birthday and I didn't say anything on his birthday a week ago either.

I know that I too, wouldn't dare to rob him from a life he's living right now. You think I'm a jerk and maybe him an idiot for letting us go.

But I love him. And he loves me too. In the world I'm living in, it's apparently not always enough.

I watch the first snow falls.

It's been a year.

***

"Time machine," Seungri said in the dark. His eyes were shining despite the light. "Where do you want to go?"

"Is there such thing?"

Seungri shrugged although it's hard to tell since he's lying on his side. "Just if?"

I was so tired I could fall asleep standing on my legs. "I don't know. Maybe that time when I had chance to rest."

"I want to go to the future."

"To see if you have a beautiful girlfriend?"

"To see if you'll have one," Seungri shifted under the blanket we're sharing. "Have you ever worried about your future, hyung?"

"We'll be fine, I'm making the next hit song. Now sleep."

"Not us," Seungri sneered. "You. Yourself."

"Of course," I lied. "Myself."

***

Christmas spirit is contagious. You can find the festive mood in every corner of the street, any version of Santa in every store, green–red–and white decoration everywhere.

However, it doesn't magically transfer me home nor that it helps with the traffic.

"I'm stuck," I skip the greeting part. "Can you get me out of here?"

"Not without causing a fuss," my manager says. "Be careful, I'll let the team know that you'll be late."

"Thanks," I disconnect the line, throwing my phone to the backseat aimlessly. I can hear car honks in the distance as if it'd make the street less clearer from people and vehicles.

I don't know what I expect but I turn on the radio instead of playing the usual tracks I had listened thousand times.

"Good afternoon."

The voice startles me that I skip a breath, or possibly a heartbeat.

"It's been a long time, Seungri," the announcer says, her voice sounds like a fallen leaf being carried away by the wind. I don't recognize her but I'd recognize Seungri's laughter anywhere. "How are you doing?"

"It's nice to comeback," Seungri answers and I picture him smiling. His white teeth and the curl of his upper lip, the way his eyes lit up like campfire. "I'm fine, a little bit cold today, isn't it?"

"With your presence here, I can't really feel the freezing weather," the announcer laughs. "Anyway, it's an honor to have you here, Seungri. What brought you here today?"

"Christmas," Seungri speaks. "And I really want to meet someone."

"Someone special?"

"Yes, very special."

I don't know I've been holding my breath until I hear a loud sound coming from my back. I turn my head to see but something so bright catches my heart in my throat as it's coming closer. I'm too stunned to move, just as the world falls into utter silence I realize it's a truck spinning on the street like broken ballerina.

***

You know that short moment when you wake up and you can't remember anything from previous days nor that you know what you're going to do later?

The mere second when everything seems to be okay.

That moment when you're still caught in between dreams and reality like it's the same thing; like the fact that you're alive is the only thing that matters.

***

"I love you, hyung."

"Well, I expect you to. We're sharing apartment and I don't wish you to poison my coffee," I sneered.

"It's not like that," Seungri's face was round, his cheeks were flushed red. "I love you as a man. I love you...like a lover does."

I felt the words sunk into me through my skin, the way they invaded my brain and my blood as if they're a spell that transform me into a stone. I could feel butterflies in my stomach and I had to grip on my mug so that I wouldn't fly along with the flutters of their wings.

"Love is not for me, Seungri," I heard myself. "Love is not something I can give or receive."

What I really wanted to say was: I don't want to hurt you. What I really meant was that he shouldn't love me. There must be reasons why my lovelife always ended in sad songs instead of happy ones.

"Still, I love you."

When he kissed me, I touched the sun and the entire galaxy exploded behind my eyes like sunset.

"I won't promise you anything, I can't," I told him, still caught in the magic of his touch. He's still so near I could taste the air he breathed out, yet I already missed him.

I wondered how long it'd last until I break him, until he could not look at me in the eyes anymore.

***

"Who told you I died?" I can't really move and my voice, when I try to speak, sounds funny like a broken toy. When I woke up yesterday, I was so disoriented I couldn't even remember myself. My mom had dissolved into tears the moment I called for her. It's like the first time you called me 'eomma', she said.

He blinks back his tears and despite the ache, I reach to touch his face. "Actually," he swallows. He's wearing a white turtleneck shirt and only his left ear has earring on it. "Everyone has been trying to convince me that you're going to live."

"I don't have the nerve to die, Seungri," I say. I watch him watching me and I wonder if that stare still posses its power to heal me.

"I won't fogive you if you leave," he sniffs.

"Why would I do that? I have award ceremonies to attend," I want to crack a joke, so bad that I don't care if I'll break my bones from laughing.

"Yeah," he smiles and it brightens the room a little. I can smell fresh air and scent of lilies (probably from Youngbae). I see nobody else but him.

"How long have you been here?"

"Your parents are out for lunch," he leans back on his seat, a chair that had been dragged to be beside my hospital bed. "Dami–noona went home, so I volunteered."

"To watch me sleeping? You pervert."

He looks at me and I want to paint colors on his pale cheeks, cherry blossoms on his lips, moonlight on his eyes. "To wait for you to wake up."

***

"I'm sorry," I repeated. I was all over the news, I was sick of hearing my name being shouted here and there. "I really am."

"I don't hate you, hyung," he said. "I would never hate you."

I stumbled into his hold. "But I disappointed you. I made you cry."

"I'm here," his touches were feathers soft it rubbed the edges of my pain. "I won't leave you."

You're going to get hurt, I wanted to say but I fell asleep without the chance to actually say it.

Years later, when I pushed him out of my life, I wished I'd given him that warn.

***

"Let me guess," I close my eyes. "Is it a princess?"

The twins giggle and hide their drawing. "No!" they say in unison.

Youngbae clicks his tongue. "Don't be too loud, sweethearts."

"It's okay," I tell him. "I'm fine."

"Say that after you get discharged," Youngbae scowls and I can't blame him. I have bandages all over my skin except my head, one that I feel so grateful about or else I'd get a new nickname, mummy. Also because Youngbae had flown here as soon as he heard the news about me. "You scared us all."

"I'm sorry," it's not technically my fault but I feel guilty anyway. "I'll be careful."

Youngbae is going to say something but then there's a knock on the door and the twins running to open it, screaming joyfully to find their mom standing behind it. If there's anything I'm jealous about Youngbae, it's the fact that I know I won't live the life pattern like his. And I'm so lucky to have a friend who thinks that it's perfectly normal to be different.

"I'll take them home, you can stay here," she smiles to his husband and then to me. "Did they disturb your sleep?" she gestures to the babies.

"No," I laugh. "They're helping me through the boredom, to be honest."

"I'm glad. I wish you speed recovery, Jiyong."

"Thank you, noona," I nod at her. "Youngbae, you should just go home. You look like a zombie."

At the mention of the creature, the twins scream.

"I didn't mean to scare them," I try to explain.

Youngbae holds his daughters and laughs. "They think zombie will eat our dogs and steal their crayons."

I resist the urge to laugh. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you."

"You'll be fine by yourself?" Youngbae hesitates. "I can call your mom –"

"Unfortunately, I'm not a mom," Daesung's voice chimes in to the room like summer. His smile is as wide as ocean and when his eyes meet mine, it's softened. "But I can act like one."

***