There's art in broken heart that will fit a gold frame because it's color, Jiyong thinks, must be the darkest shade of black you won't mistake it for something else. And if he hangs it on his wall, it will somehow bleed onto everything. Jiyong's footprints will fade and his shadow will be ashamed.

That even if he put curtains on it, his world will still turn to night, one where stars will not come.

***

"What are you reading?" Seungri dropped the groceries unceremoniously against the kitchen counter. Jiyong could hear the clank of diet Coke can, rolling out from the plastic bag and Seungri's shrieked as he tried to catch it before it fell down.

"Books," he yawned, unaware that it's only 8 p.m..

"Thanks, captain obvious. Seems like I'm not blind yet," Seungri sat beside him. The scent he carried with him was rose.

"Great," Jiyong smiled because it would annoy Seungri. And because he knew, annoying Seungri means he'd stay longer. They'd successfully escaped their old dorm and now had moved to a shared apartment but Seungri had to go out almost everynight for parties or business they barely stayed long enough in the same room. "Glad to know that."

"Funny," Seungri scowled. He took something from his pocket, something that happened to be so small colored black and white.

"What is that?"

"For you," Seungri didn't even bother to hide his excitement as he took Jiyong's hand and put the item on his palm. It rolled against his skin, cold on the surface and rings so tiny it sounded like chirping.

"A tiny panda charm," Jiyong sneered, amused. "Or whatever this is."

"Found it while cleaning my room," Seungri shrugged. "Isn't it cute?"

"Is it a new trick to tell the world how cute you are?"

"Hell no. Maybe."

"You're not cute. Stop telling people you are," but Jiyong laughed.

"Then what I am?" Seungri dared to challenge, even as he seemed to shrink on his seat.

"You're Seungri."

Jiyong should've been aware, should've known that it was a warning, how the word mine almost escaped his tongue; that it's be a beginning of all ends.

***

It won't be easier, that's what Seungri acknowledges after all these times. Separation, no matter how it takes form, will never be easy. Number of how many times you've faced it, people you had to let go, memories that couldn't be erased nor that it could be replaced, all are weight you're going to learn to live with.

He sits behind the steering wheel, he turns the engine on. He makes his way out from the parking lot, the image of hotel where Jiyong stays in disappears from the rearview mirror when he turns right but everything feels so empty and wrong.

Was it how Jiyong felt? Was it why Jiyong had chosen not to see him leaving? Was it why, while shutting him out, while pushing him away, he never once tried to look Seungri in the eyes?

Was it the reason of I love you Jiyong finally said after years of putting it in many forms but words?

Because when you're letting go and breaking your love's heart, yours is already broken to pieces, so ugly you couldn't show to anyone?

Because when you let go, it took only a tiny courage to reach out and hold until your knuckles turn white and all your bones burnt?

Because when you let go, you know that you should, you wish that you could, but understand that there's no way you would?

***

If someone ever asked him, Jiyong would say that fate is like thumbprint of human. It's unique. Sometimes it's so opposite side you can tell without seeing. Sometimes the difference is subtle you think it's the same. But it's not.

It's never.

And it's his own motivation to face tomorrow, that Seungri would not face the same fate of grieving and terrible losing Jiyong had nightmares about. That he will let him know he'd done the best and saved them both.

By tomorrow, he would do everything to convince them both that it's for the best.

***

"Let me guess," Seunghyun stares at his empty glass. "You forget my birthday."

Jiyong sneers. "Actually, I'm the one who remember."

"Oh," he frowns. Jiyong will tell him not to be five but heck with that, how come nobody remember his fucking birthday?

"No pouting, big boy."

"I am and I will," he's stubborn against his old friend and it's alright. "How are you doing?"

"Fine," Jiyong sighs and Seunghyun presses the phone closer on his ear. "I don't know what I'm supposed to feel."

"Sounds not fine," Seunghyun pours himself another glass of orange juice –because that's what available in his hotel room –not sure if he has to run to comfort Jiyong or let him solve it by himself. "What happened?"

"Guess what."

"Jiyong," Seunghyun shakes his head. "I've done shit organizing a nice party and nobody remember my birthday so no, I'm not in for guessing game. Spill it."

"Well," Jiyong chuckles. "First of all, congratulations on growing up, Choi Seunghyun."

"What's the second?"

"I think I broke up but I'm not sure."

"With Seungri?"

"No, with you."

"Oh, sorry boyfriend. Or should I call you ex–boyfriend?"

"How come it's not even funny?" Jiyong stares at the window.

"You can't break up when it's not even a relationship yet, Jiyong," Seunghyun isn't sure of his own statement. "Where is Seungri?"

Seunghyun waits for answer and time stretches to eternity.

"Everywhere," Jiyong's voice cracks when he speaks again.

Everywhere but there, Seunghyun finishes Jiyong's sentence in his head.

***

What's funny about loss is that you can't always see it. You can but not really. It's a color in the air but when you squint your eyes, it doesn't appear. It lies within pages of book you're reading but you don't find any words of it. It's when you walk on the street and you finally recognize small bookstore beside your favorite coffee shop as if you don't walk past it everyday.

As you turn around, you know that you'll never be the same anymore.

***

The words suddenly seemed so tiny his brain refuses to read. And it's tangled with feelings he knows will stay for about...a lifetime.

"I love you," Seungri says, foggy and thick of fear, not because he shouldn't but because he couldn't. A goodbye turns out not all about tears and never see each other again. Somehow, it's about keeping strong and facing your treasure, knowing that no matter what, it doesn't belong to you.

"I'll miss you," he tells himself.

***