Summary:

Jiyong is memories and it needs to stay that way.

Chapter Text

Seungri wished to get rid of Jiyong's shadow by dating some girls he knew. It didn't work.

Seungri wanted to throw away his memories by drinking. It didn't work either.

Seungri tried to bury down his feelings with loads of work. It never worked even once.

Seungri waited until the pain disappear, until it hurt less to breathe without Jiyong and the moments he felt better were when he let himself drown in a dream of things that would never happen.

***

"Seunghyun hyung invited you to the party, right?"

"Yeah," Jiyong shrugs, his eyes are set on the TV. Seungri watches him instead, unconsciously grasping on the air between them. "He promised it's gonna be great."

Seungri smiles. "He always said that before throwing a party."

"Then he'd get drunk the fastest and ended up sleeping anywhere."

"Remember when we found him sleeping in Hyun Suk Sajangnim's kitchen?" Seungri's breath trapped in his throat as Jiyong turns to face him.

"And he tripped on him and they screamed like schoolgirls," Jiyong smirks when their eyes meet. "They promised to kill everyone who ever spoke about it again."

Seungri deludes himself with a grin on Jiyong's face, like there were never years of him wishing Jiyong would take him back. "It was funny, they should've let me talk about it once."

Jiyong shoves him playfully and Seungri laughs. "You and your big mouth."

"I learned from you, hyung."

"You do it better than me, maknae."

Seungri watches the smile disappears and his heart clings onto ashes of dreams.

"I'm sorry," Jiyong says softly, his eyes shift back to the TV. "It was a long time ago."

Seungri doesn't answer as his hope fades into smoke.

***

Jiyong had warn him, the day he confessed.

"Love is not for me, Seungri," his eyes were tired but they're set on Seungri and it's enough. "Love is not something I can give or receive."

Seungri nodded, it wasn't something he didn't know. "Still, I love you."

Jiyong had an expression –emotion –plastered on his face, the one kind Seungri didn't understand about. It looked painful and Jiyong was struggling to say something.

But Seungri was quicker; he always was.

Jiyong's lips were chapped, strong scent of cigarette lingered on his clothes, his hair were cut short, and his skin was dry but he didn't move when their lips met.

"I won't promise you anything, I can't."

It's okay, Seungri thought because Jiyong kissed him back, because those arms were wrapped around him.

Just let me love you.

***

"I watched your shows," Jiyong speaks after a while. "It was fun."

"Yeah?" Seungri sighs. "I'm glad if you think so."

"You always had a good guest. Always the most popular ones, huh?"

"You know...friends, connections," Seungri shrugs. "About my talk show later, anything you want me to ask?"

Jiyong chuckles. "I thought it's supposed to be a secret?"

"Kinda," Seungri leans back on his seat. "You want it to be surprise?"

"What kind of surprise it might be? You know everything about me already."

I wish I knew. I want to know, Seungri closes his eyes. "What's your new album about?"

"Heartbreak. What else?"

"Ah, mellow Jiyong?"

He feels him shifting on his seat, maybe closer because it's warmer.

"A bit ballad but yeah –just heartbreak songs."

Who broke your heart? Who owned your heart?, Seungri bites his lip to keep himself from asking.

***

Love is a river Seungri wants to cross, a sea Seungri is drowning into.

Love is a blade Jiyong pushes away with his bleeding hands, a sword he holds onto.

Love is a war they're fighting for, a battlefield of them two.

***

"How about you?" Jiyong nudges him softly, like years ago when Seungri fell asleep on the carpet during their movie night. Jiyong was skinny and whiny so Seungri often teased him for not being able to carry him to bed.

"I don't sing anymore," Seungri's mouth feels bitter, his tongue refuses to talk. "I have no songs."

"I meant how life is –you seemed...good."

"It was good, yeah," Seungri blinks and Jiyong is too close. He can feel his eyes on him, those eyes Seungri loves so much when it's looking at him, for him; when they met his on stage, when they're closed in early morning, when it's wide open as Seungri said something, when it's hazy as they cuddled on the bed. "I've already had worst."

"Seungri," Jiyong's finger curl around his wrist. "I'm sorry...about everything."

Seungri always thought he wanted apologize. He wanted Jiyong to say sorry, to crawl to him, to beg Seungri to come back...

Seungri always thought he wanted Jiyong to regret ever letting him go.

But it's hurting him more now.

"Don't," he tries his best to speak. "Please."

"I should," Jiyong pulls him closer and his breath caresses Seungri's face. "I have to, Seungri."

"Don't," Seungri shakes his head. "This is hurting me."

"I need to –"

"You need to go," Seungri pushes him away. "You...want to go...right?"

Jiyong doesn't even bother to tame his hurting pride. Seungri watches him walks away, counting the steps in his head.

"...Can't we just talk about it?"

Seungri grits his teeth. "Will it make any difference?"

"What if –"

"We are four years too late to talk."

"But –"

"It won't change anything."

***

"I don't know," Seunghyun wasn't looking at him. "I don't know what he was thinking about –"

"Does anyone ever?" Seungri zipped his suitcase shut. "What's inside Kwon Jiyong's head is his and his only, hyung."

"I wish you don't have to go."

"It's only a short plane ride," Seungri shrugged. "You can come anytime."

"I know," Seunghyun sighed and he looked like he's about to cry. "But it won't be the same."

"We're still friends, aren't we?"

"Of course we are. What would you do without me?"

It's just no more BIGBANG. No more 'bandmates', they didn't speak out loud.

"Visit me, yeah?"

"Sure."

Seungri watched things he loved became memories as the plane took off.

Memories were all Seungri had about Jiyong.

Memories were everything Seungri kept inside, tucked safely in between reality and daydream.

Memories were what glued him together again although it's never the same anymore.

Memories were all Jiyong was.

***

"I don't wish you to forgive me."

"I have nothing to forgive about," Seungri shakes his head. "It happened. It just happened."

"I wish I could change everything."

Memories are all Seungri thought Jiyong is.

He can't let anybody take it away, not even Jiyong.

Not with apology, not with sorry, nothing.

If Jiyong wants to change things, Seungri will not let him.

Because it's what keep Seungri alive.

It's everything Seungri is.

"You can't. There's nothing you can change."

Jiyong doesn't move and Seungri doesn't know what to wish about.

"I can't change anything, Seungri. But maybe we can."

"What?"

"Maybe you can. Four years ago..."

He doesn't know what's worst; that Jiyong is getting closer or that his heart finds its beat again.

***