I was losing myself, my resolve becoming weaker and weaker by the second. My mind was going in circles, asking 'Should I just enjoy it?' or 'Do I run as far as I can from him?'.  His hot lips sent shivers down my body, involuntary moans escaping my throat as he worked his way down my neck, only stopping at my collarbone to suck on the sensitive skin. I could feel the heat pooling down from my stomach to my more private areas, making me want this touch so much more.

The sexual energy that surrounded us was intoxicating, buzzing my senses just as a few too many shots could on a good occasion. Pushing me backwards, he had our roles reversed, his hot breath ghosting over my flushed face as I lay pinned to the floor. Something had felt eerily wrong and nauseating about the entire situation, and I was sure it wasn't just the fact that it was him doing this to me. Something was missing, something I just couldn't put my finger on.

He slid his hands up my bare back, making me arch at the sudden skin to skin contact. His warmth was unwavering, as if he was the human personification of a fireplace in a comfortable log cabin, only exuding the most pleasurable feelings. I bit my lip trying to stifle the affirmative sounds that kept leaking through my lips. I couldn't possibly let him know how much he'd affected me, I wouldn't give that monster the satisfaction.

Pulling my shirt up to expose my bandaged chest, he took my only exposed nipple into his mouth, nipping and sucking until he had me desperately clawing at him in pleasure. My boxers had become unbearably tight, the prospect of becoming nude ever more enticing. 

Shizuo had started to shift our positions, squeezing my wrists a little tighter, sending an anxious shiver running down my spine. What was I missing? There was something just barely out of my reach, a memory perhaps, that I couldn't grasp. What was going on?

Still licking and sucking sensitive spots on my torso, I wriggled in his grip, silently begging him to set me free. The anxiety in me grew, and almost like a slap to the face, the recollection hit me.

"S-Shiki!" I had choked out on that very day, "Stop it!" His cold hands felt disgusting on my terrified body. Humiliation burned in my veins as he gave me a once over, as if he was the predator and I, the prey. 

"Oh Orihara," He had cooed to me, no kindness hidden in his tone at all, "You do want to work for me, don't you?" I had no choice but to nod, knowing that as just a measly 18 year old, I couldn't fight back against the yakuza, especially not Shiki Haruya. With a sadistic smile on his face, he'd taken the rest of my garments off, leaving me silently sobbing pitifully on the cold warehouse floor. "If you're really as tough as you say you are, shut and and enjoy yourself," He laughed, his venomous words piercing my ears, traumatizing me as he positioned himself at my entrance, ready to have his way whether I'd liked it or not.

Not even present in the moment anymore, I was forcefully pulled out of my morbid mental sideshow with a loud gasp as Shizuo gripped my throbbing erection. Before he could place his warm mouth on me, I reached forward, grabbing a handful of his hair and holding him in place, knowing that if this went any further I would surely vomit. I could still feel that man's cold hands all over me, no wonder I had suppressed that memory so deep within me. I hadn't had sex in all these years, 6 of them to be exact, thanks to the trauma left by Shiki Haruya and his soulless abuse. 

Shizuo stared up at me, eyes half lidded in total nirvana like the virgin I'd known he was. He'd only been kissed by me and his face already glowed a millennium pink, consuming all his features in an erotic sheen. If I hadn't been so headstrong and borderline traumatized, I'd probably have went all the way with Shizuo, only to regret it the morning after. 

"What's wrong? Don't you want to?" Shizuo asked, wounded that his advances had been denied by the person he'd already chosen to be his first. I felt my heart clench, hurting me just as much as it hurt him. I stared into those golden marbles of sadness as he tried to calculate where he had gone wrong, making the guilt in my stomach nauseate me further.

What would I even say to him? 'Hi, yeah, your once sworn mortal enemy who you'd been tricked to perceive had no weakness, actually has had breakdowns one after the other this afternoon hahaha please don't suck my dick'? Yeah right. Not only was it making my head spin that the Nightmare that had gotten us here in the first place was replaying in my brain like a cheap commercial jingle, but now I had my fear of intimacy piled onto it, all because the piece of shit I worked for had decided to rape me after high-school graduation. Fun times Izaya, kill yourself.

The proposition had sounded too tempting for me to even joke about. Even if this protozoan was dead set on his heroic mission to heal the Flea, he wasn't aware that this head had harbored more baggage than Narita Airport itself. I was a broken shell of a man, worn down by years and years of trying to suppress the things deep inside that made me feel dirty and worthless. He was foolish to think he could fix me. 

Pulling away from him, I bolted to my room, pulling my boxers back over my groin and leaning my back against the door. I slid down to the floor and rested my head in my hands, feeling utterly pathetic. There I went again, running from my problems, finding another carry-on to add to the piles and piles of baggage that had already rested on my tired shoulders.

Knocking on the door, his voice carried over through the wood, much more soothing than I had originally imagined it to be, "I'm sorry Izaya," He solemnly whimpered, "I shouldn't have done that, I shouldn't have made you feel uncomfortable like that. I'm so fucking sorry," The shock that had registered on my face was only visible to me, as I stared at my pathetic reflection in the mirror that sat across from me. 

"I'm sorry I forced all of that on you," He continued, "I don't know what you've been through or what things are going through your fuckin' mind, but I'm really sorry. It was so impulsive, I just, lost my mind while you slept, thinking about all that bullshit between you and Shinra," My eyebrow raised, suddenly intrigued by his confession.

I turned sideways, pressing my ear against the door, "Go on," I muttered, "Why would that bother you, ne? It was years ago, and like Shinra said it was just fucking," The words came out shaky and breathless, crumbling my attempt at acting indifferent.

Shizuo growled, animalistic and low, "Oh yeah sure Izaya, play it off like you've been doing. Do you really think I'm so stupid that I can't see that just him sitting in the room with you rips you to shreds?" His words cut deep, surprisingly wounding me far beneath my surface, "I know he probably squashed your heart in favor of Celty, and I know he probably just left you laying there crying your eyes out while he went home to her, and that shit pisses me off dammit!" 

My heart nearly stopped, horrified that Shizuo had read me that well, getting even the most insignificant details correct. Just like they had done so much recently, more tears coated my cheeks, making this scene much more pitiful to me. Not done yet, Shizuo kept speaking, voice low and annoyed.

"Just thinking about that stupid damn nerd having the audacity to fuck you and then leave you like a broken toy, makes me mad! Thinking that he could touch you all those times, making you feel like you actually belonged to him, only to rip the carpet from beneath your feet, I could kill him!" I could practically hear him clench his fists, poised and ready to do maximum damage to the streets of Ikebukuro, "And I-I can't help but be jealous that he could just so easily touch you in that way,"

My ears perked up, not even sure that they had even heard him correctly. Shizuo, jealous? Those two words shouldn't have gone together, the thought of him being envious of Shinra, who broke me so beyond repair, made me angry. Was he upset that Shinra was able to break down my walls so easily? Did Shizuo long to rip my heart in half as well, the thought of that nerd beating him to it rousing his anger? I huffed through my nose, head buzzing with conflicting thoughts and emotions.

Awaiting a response and never getting one, I heard Shizuo shifting uncomfortably in the other room, too anxious to speak. "You're right," I disclosed, swallowing my pride for the sake of this beast's feelings, "I fell in love with him, and he threw me away like yesterday's trash, but that's not why I locked myself in here you dumb brute,"  The tone of my voice surprised me, as it lacked no bitterness towards the blond that silently sat against the other side of the door. The soft spot that began to grow in my heart for the protozoan was making me sick again, my head not at all ready to open up and trust another quite yet. 

Almost timidly, he asked, "Then what made you run away? Did I do something wrong?" His voice was soft, softer than I had ever heard come out of him before. If I didn't know that he was indeed Shizuo Heiwajima, the strongest man in Ikebukuro, I wouldn't have believe that he was the man sitting there. 

The words were stuck on the tip of my tongue. A terrible chill trembled through my body, cooling me so deep I could feel it in my bones. As much as I tried, not a syllable of the truth would pull itself forth from my aching body. I was left as a statue. 

Shizuo pushed the door open gently, leading my body to unconsciously shift out of the way, only for him to whisk me up off the floor and onto the bed behind me. Panic in my chest began to burn, as the unwarranted contact sent icy prickles throughout my body, reminding me of the grubby hands that had abused me once before. Though they were unsavory, sending anxiety to race through my veins, I found myself grabbing back for his arms as soon as they had left me.

We lay there, tangled in each other's warmth for what seemed like an eternity, until finally I could speak, "Shiki raped me," I blurted out without thinking, "This was after Shinra, I had just graduated high-school and he'd told me he'd taken a specific interest in me. I had originally thought my first assignment would be briefed at the warehouse he had taken me to, but instead I ended up naked and defiled by him while his men held me in place," The confession lay bitter on my tongue, each word of it that was expelled bringing my head tiny shreds of peace. Shizuo's grip around me strengthened, soon burying his face in my hair.

Warm liquid soaked my scalp, leaving me utterly confused until I heard the silenced sobs escaping Shizuo's throat. In a panic, I shifted around, pulling him to face me, "What's wrong with you? Why are you the one crying now?" I bit my lip, knowing my words had sounded harsh, "I mean, what's with you?" I had tried to sound less offensive, failing miserably, leading his grip to tighten again, pulling me into a bear hug.

He smelled like the rain, wet earth, and the cigarettes he'd smoked so often. I breathed him in completely, cataloging every detail of his scent to memory. All of him was so warm, his lips, his hold, his words, even his tears. I wouldn't be able to resist the nagging inside of my head much longer, his scent dulling my senses, making the anxiety melt off of me like ice in a summer drink. The bud that had once tried to grow in the pit of my stomach had flourished, donning pink and red Camellia blossoms, begging for more nutrients as his soft words sank into my skin. Against my own sheer willpower, I was lost to his charms.

His sobs broke me out of my trance, his body shaking like that of a dejected child, "I could kill him," he mumbled, voice breaking through his cries, "You deserve so much better. You should've told me! I would've hunted him down all those years ago and ripped him apart for touching you!" I flinched, almost expecting him to hit me, even if it were for no reason. 

I buried my face deeper in his vest, filling my head with all that he was, "You hated me remember?" I exclaimed, "There's nothing you would've done but throw some street sign at me, yelling for me to stay out of Ikebukuro or some shit. Idiot," 

Yanking me from my place buried in his chest, he forced my eyes to meet his once again. His honey filled irises were coated in agony, the guilt in his chest reaching maximum capacity, "Izaya," He whimpered my name gently, blood rushing to my face in defense of the sorrowful sound, "Let me stay here. Let me right all of my wrongs, I want to fix all of the mistakes I've made with you," His voice became low and serious, lips dripping with sincerity, "Let me show you what it's like to be truly loved for once,"

My heart could've stalled behind my ribcage, his words taking all of the air out of my lungs like a kick to the chest. Love? Izaya Orihara didn't do love. Not after Kyouko and Shirou, and especially not after Shinra. Knowing how far we had almost gone on pure instinct in my living room only a handful of minutes before, my skin crawled. It had only been a mistake from the beginning, right? All it had done was bring my fear of intimacy back to the forefront, no thanks to Shiki Haruya himself. Did Shizuo really take that little stint of misplaced sexuality as a confession of love? My head was spinning in circles all over again, this whole damn arrangement coming back to bite me in the ass, as it only ever had.

Sensing my racing thoughts, Shizuo placed a chaste kiss atop my head, silencing the stereo that wouldn't quit in my psyche, "I'm not asking you to love me Izaya," He breathed, "I'm just asking you to give me a chance, that's all. I want to show you that you mean something to someone, that you belong here, alive, and with me," I wish I could've said I was shocked, but after all the compassion and eloquence I had picked up from Shizuo the last couple of days, I had been astounded enough for two lifetimes. 

Before agreeing to what very well could be the arrangement that kills me, I questioned his morals, averting my gaze, "How do I know you're not in this to hurt me, ne? This is a perfect opportunity to break me after finding out about my weaknesses. Seduce me into falling for you and then throw me in the trash, same old stupid fucking routine," I sighed, knowing how pathetic it all sounded out loud, but my irrational thoughts actually proved to be quite rational in reverence to this entire ludicrous situation, so how could I avoid them? "Just spare me the act, I'd rather not waste time out of my busy life playing house with yo-"

Silencing the malice that was sure to come out of my paranoid brain, Shizuo pressed his warm lips against mine, pulling me onto his lap just as I had been earlier. Pulling away too quickly, he had my brain and body begging for more, his mouth the only thing able to silence my obnoxious head from feeding me lies. "Would I kiss you like that if I wanted to hurt you? Would I take time to make sure you were okay if I just wanted to break you apart? Would I have jumped to my death if it meant saving you, if I truly wanted you dead Izaya?" 

The little boy deep inside of me that juggled a house phone with warn down buttons and a pain in his heart, cried out, scared of the attachment that came with trusting ourselves to another, but practically leeching onto the chance to be loved. She had never kissed our head, nor did she ever take the time out of her busy schedule to ask us if we were okay, I'd bet she'd even be the first to wish us farewell as we barreled towards the pavement. He wasn't like her, not at all. He was full of concern and tenderness, qualities that she had sorely lacked. Could he really be trusted?

I knew I'd regret it in time, but against my better judgment I wrapped my legs around him, attaching myself to him like the small child that inhabited the most broken parts of my brain, "Yeah, fine," I quietly breathed, hot breath against his neck, making him shiver, "Stay for as long as you want, but don't come crying to me when I inevitably break your heart," 

Feeling his infectious smile against the top of my head, I couldn't held but grip him tighter, not wanting this moment to end. Though the depression in my head had me crippled still, racing thoughts not dying so easily, I felt a spark of hope in my chest for the first time in weeks. Perhaps I wanted him to stay, and perhaps, maybe just a little bit, I wanted him to save me.