Three days had passed of Shizuo and I living in almost silent domesticity, my depression degrading me to a mere lump of skin, useless and tangled in an amalgamation of sheets and bedding. To admit day in and day out to Shizuo that I was just too numb to move was humiliating to say the least, but the mere thought of leaving from the safety of my duvet was enough to convince me otherwise. By sheer willpower alone was I still gracing this world with my toxic presence, but at the rate I was hurling towards rock bottom, I was sure it wouldn't last long. 

"Izaya?" Shizuo called in softly through the crack of my bedroom door, "How're you feeling?"

Silence.

"Izaya?" He called again, "...Are you asleep?"

More silence.

Feigning sleep and lacking the mental capability to carry an eloquent conversation, I laid still, hoping all too hard he would return to my futon where he'd taken up residence these last few days. Of course with my absolutely atrocious luck, I felt the bed gently sink under his weight as he crawled in bed behind me, arm snaking around my small waist and pulling me against him. His warmth radiated around every point of contact, sinking into my skin and setting my nerves on fire. Whether it had sunk in that I harbored affectionate feelings for this man or not, it still greatly unnerved me that my body responded to him so instantly and recklessly. 

Truly if I had my way, I would've been that spot on the pavement perhaps, or maybe in a pill induced coma in an alley somewhere. Not even in my wildest most twisted dreams would I have ever conjured up the image of Shizuo Heiwajima holding my body against his.

The room was dimly lit, only the shadows coming in through jet black curtains of the fiery sunset over West Shinjuku cast any semblance of light. Shizuo's protective grip held me tightly, his hot breath hitting the back of my neck in tempo with mine. I was painfully aware of how he felt against me; Any small movement not going unnoticed to my hypersensitivity. It was absolutely repulsive. Since when did I care so much about such minuscule things? Since when did his small mannerisms mean anything to me?

Falling back into the swamp of thoughts that assaulted my brain, I found myself frightened for the first time in quite a while. The disgusting feelings hit me all at once, leading me to shift uncomfortably against Shizuo. I felt so weak, so feeble in my own being. The days seemed to bleed together in my memory, and soon I was even convinced I was wrong in insinuating the passage of time between us had really been three days since I'd met with Shinra. Was I losing my mind? Had my brain finally begun to give? Was I losing myself?

Letting out an involuntary whimper, I laced my fingers through my greasy unwashed hair. Pulling gently at my roots, I was frustrated. I hated feeling like this helpless mass of organs and tissue just wasting away, rotting on this queen sized bed. I felt so lost, so confused. Nothing seemed to excite me anymore. The little jabs and jokes I'd point at Shizuo when we spoke gave me no pleasure, the teasing seemingly meaningless now. The thought of aggravating him just for kicks had lost it's edge in my mind, leaving me to just keep my mouth shut. I didn't know what to say to him. I sure as hell didn't want to be sentimental, all that romance feeling like bile in the back of my throat, but I didn't want to be snippy either. Was there a way I could even train myself to be neutral? 

Sinking further and further into the abyss of my thoughts, I pulled harder at my fistfuls of hair, scalp burning under the intense grip. Every fiber of my being was screaming for escape, not willing yet to accept the premise of something like 'love' into my life, but somewhere deep inside me that little bud nudged at me to accept it with open arms. I'd convinced myself when I was a teen that I would sooner kill a man- namely Shizuo- before falling in love again, but what did that conviction mean when Shizuo happened to be the one I might be falling for?

Everything was so confusing and frustrating, grating on my nerves and catapulting me further and further into a den of self hate. Sometimes, in moments of weakness like these, I'd wish I had been born into normal circumstances. A mother and father who cared for me, a sexuality that didn't go against the grain and fabric of society, perhaps maybe even a partner who I could trust and spend my life with. Yet here I laid, limbs tangled intimately with my former worst enemy, brain running on autopilot as I let my self loathing consume me.

Crawling over me and effectively pinning me to the bed, Shizuo's intense amber gaze swept over my languid body. Gently tugging at my wrists, he released my leaden grip at my scalp and guided my hands to their sides. Before I could question his motives or voice my repulsion at how warm and doting he made my insides feel, I was met with his lips against mine. The kiss was chaste and it was over before my brain could even process how much I needed it, and without thinking I found myself whimpering at the loss as soon as he broke contact.

"Stop thinking," He breathed, hot breath ghosting over my already parted lips, "You're letting your negative thoughts win Izaya. Just shut your brain down. I want radio silence, okay?"

Closing my eyes, I took in a few careful deep breaths. The weight of Shizuo's palms on either side of my head nauseated me, whether because I was becoming infatuated or because I was disgusted, I didn't really know. I tried to silence my thoughts, the neon warning signs that came with Shizuo's touch blaring all too bright in my damaged psyche. Squeezing my eyes shut tighter, I tried shooing away every unwanted thought, any malicious idea and observation, ultimately failing as the what ifs assaulted me without regret.

What if this was just all a sick ploy to break me down? What if this was some fucked up and twisted experiment of Shinra's just so he could get Izaya Orihara, the leech, off of his back? Was I just that repulsing? What if this was Shizuo's big plan to finally bring me down? Get me all cozied up to him, force me to fall in love, and then hypothetically rip the carpet from underneath my feet. Worst of all, what if this wasn't any sort of demented plan at all? What if I was really falling in love?

Bringing me back to the surface of reality, Shizuo pulled me up and out of bed. My legs were shaky, not used to being upright on solid ground after this few day lapse of major depression. Clinging to Shizuo, he guided me downstairs and into my living room, the sunset lighting of late evening giving me an instant migraine.

"What are you doing protozoan?" I finally croaked out, voice hoarse and filled with annoyance as I squinted at the warm light.

Shizuo looked down at me, radiant smile practically blinding me more than the setting sun itself, "I'm giving you something to smile about,"

Confusion washed over my features as his works sunk in. What could possibly make me smile at this point? Everything was so useless- I was useless. Internally I was convinced that no matter what he did, a genuine smile would never be summoned to my lips again for as long as I lived, but as soon as Shizuo pulled out his phone I almost ate my words.

Setting his phone on my coffee table, he pressed a button, letting soft acoustic music fill the room. The melody sounded familiar, like something I'd absentmindedly heard playing on the radio as I sat in the back of a cab or maybe over lunch at Russia Sushi. Grabbing my wrists, he laid my palms across his shoulders as he grabbed my hips. Swaying ever so slowly, he closed his eyes and held me close, letting the music guide our movements. Were we... dancing?

Swallowing my pride and speaking up first, I mumbled, "What the hell are you doing Shizu-chan? I didn't peg you for a dancer," I chuckled through my nose, "All those long lanky limbs of yours seem to only be good at destroying things, ne?"

Cracking a sly smirk, he cast his gaze down at me, taking in my disheveled appearance as he rocked us back and forth, "I've never danced before," He admitted, "This is my first time. Thought that alone would amuse you, flea," Adding my nickname jokingly at the end, I couldn't help but let out a small amicable huff, letting a grin paint my recently sullen features.

"You really are something," I sighed contently, Shizuo lifting me back upright after a surprising dip, "You're so unpredictable that it's sickening. I can't stand you. Every single thing you do goes against every insinuation I can fathom and yet here I am letting you sweep me off of my feet again. I must've really lost my marbles this time,"

Leaning down, Shizuo smiled against my lips before colliding them with his own. I tightened my grip around his neck, pressing myself as closely as I could against his warm solid figure. His lips moved lazily against mine as he multi-tasked, body still lightly swaying to the acoustic guitar that enveloped us. I wrinkled my nose slightly, the taste of tobacco filling my mouth as Shizuo's tongue slid past my parted lips. I hadn't eaten in two days, my stomach churning in discomfort as I swallowed down the bitter taste of nicotine. It wasn't as if I was unfamiliar with it, given my proximity to Shizuo and his heated kisses this last week, but for me to let it be the only thing filling an already upset and emptied stomach, well that was surely a recipe for disaster.

Moving his hands from my waist, Shizuo trailed one hand up my side, the other dipping below my belt, cupping my bare ass in his warm palm. I let out a strangled gasp, both horrified by the amorous touch and breathlessly consumed by the butterflies that fluttered in my gut. Taking his index and middle fingers, he tipped my head upwards, eyes meeting his in a fiery gaze. My brain stuttered, panicking at the intimacy that danced behind his eyes.

"I don't love you," I blurted out, mind reeling from the new feelings he was planting within me, "I don't understand why you're doing this. If it's for love, then you're an even bigger protozoan than I'd originally thought. I don't love. I just- I don't,"

Smiling warmly, he pecked my lips, "I'm not asking you to love me Izaya," He started, hot breath hitting my face in slow rhythmic puffs, "I'm only asking you to tolerate me. To accept me like you have been. If somehow someday you fall in love with me, then fucking sweet, jackpot for me, but if not that's fine too. I have no expectations of you other than for you to be open and honest with me. You're not in this alone Izaya. Not anymore. Not ever again,"

Cursing every cell in my body, I felt my face heat in embarrassment as his words hit me, their full gravity weighing heavily on my guarded heart. Damn this blond monster and all his honey coated words. I was willingly hurling myself off a tedious cliff, lulled by the promise of unadulterated affection that he guaranteed me. What would happen when I reached the bottom? Would I just hit hard concrete, like I had imagine when this whole escapade started, or would Shizuo catch me, like he had seemed to do every day I'd sunk too low?

Still swinging gently to the melancholy hymn that reverberated softly throughout my apartment, I buried my face in Shizuo's chest, earning a small rumble of approval from the taller man. I hated every single sliver of weakness I was showing to him but as much as I'd dreaded finally admitting it, I needed these arms wrapped firmly around me keeping my broken pieces together. Just the small act of being entangled in his warmth, swaying gently and- dare I say- romantically to some melodic pop song had quieted the tidal wave of raging thoughts in my head. 

With as much force as I could muster, I thrust my head upwards, connecting forcefully with Shizuo's jaw and sending him staggering a few steps backwards.

"Ow- What the fuck was that for Flea?" He rubbed his chin in protest, "Just when I finally think I'm getting somewhere with you, you go and-"

"Shut up for a second," I interrupted, silencing him almost instantly, "That was for making me feel all these stupid things. I've never felt so fucking weak and insolent, and it bothers the fuck out of me, but for some reason, as long as you're here, it feels okay," I grabbed him by the shirt dragging him down to look directly into my eyes, "I hate you so much Shizu-chan,"

For the first time in almost six whole months I genuinely smiled, letting Shizuo take in the frightening sight only inches from my curved lips. He gaped in shock, the tips of his ears turning a shade of soft rose as he closed the distance between us, slowly enveloping me in a much fiercer kiss than before. Bodies pressed tightly against each other, I tangled my fingers in his hair, tasting his cigarette soaked tongue and reveling in the way it filled the hollow feelings that plagued my chest. 

Tugging him backwards onto the couch, he hovered above me. Breaking our kiss he pressed his forehead against my own. Sighing heavily, breath heaving in his chest from the intensity of our kiss, he closed his eyes.

"I changed my mind," He murmured, lips still hovering centimeters from mine.

"About what?" I rasped out, the ferocity of our kiss impacting my vocal chords more than I'd anticipated.

Slipping his hands under my shirt and pulling it upwards to reveal my thin waistline, he breathed nine terrifying words I hadn't anticipated to hear.

"I think I really am in love with you,"