out of the arm of one love
and into the arms of another
I have been saved from dying on the cross
by a lady who smokes pot
writes songs and stories
and is much kinder than the last,
much much kinder,
and the sex is just as good or better.
it isn't pleasant to be put on the cross and left there,
it is much more pleasant to forget a love which didn't
work
as all love
finally
doesn't work...
it is much more pleasant to make love
along the shore in Del Mar
in room 42, and afterwards
sitting up in bed
drinking good wine, talking and touching
smoking
listening to the waves...

I have died too many times
believing and waiting, waiting
in a room
staring at a cracked ceiling
waiting for the phone, a letter, a knock, a sound...
going wild inside
while she danced with strangers in nightclubs...
out of the arms of one love
and into the arms of another
it's not pleasant to die on the cross,
it is much more pleasant to hear your name whispered in
the dark.  

Charles Bukowski knew it best; The harsh sting of losing a love, the hollow feeling it left inside as you feel every ounce of happiness in you fade away, dying with the rest of you. His words personified what I felt right now better than even I could. Even though Shizuo's strong arms wrapped around me, our naked bodies pressed together, I could feel nothing but the dull ache in my chest grow greater and greater until it was unbearable weight that I couldn't ignore any longer. 

Pushing Shizuo off of me, I let out the air I hadn't realized I'd been holding in my lungs, struggling to find new air as I did so. The tears had started falling before i could stop them, this entire situation just too taxing on my psyche. Why had I even tried to suggest sex? Was that just the way I'd conjured up to rid myself of these deep seated feelings for him? Did I really think a quick fuck would help me forget about him? I was an idiot.

I felt empty in every sense. I was cold and barren and I'd felt forgotten as soon as I'd been released from his grip. My head was turning into a hell I hadn't anticipated. Was I just truly that incurable? I couldn't take it anymore.

I glanced at my clock, cataloging the late time, yet racing around my room to clothe myself anyway. I needed pills, any kind would do, just something to make me high enough to take this feeling away. I was sick of being secluded, sick of dreaming of a day where things would feel right again. 

Shinra. How did he follow me through life so closely? He'd fucked up my life and yet he was the only one who could do something to make me feel less numb. It was the most disgusting irony I could think of. I wished I could be rid of him, rid of every single revolting thing he'd made me feel. He was just a waste of time, a fucking waste. In truth, I'd cared for Shizuo so much that it made me sick, but the doctor and the dullahan were always in the peripheral, making me feel sorry I was even alive in the first place.

Clothed and finally done lacing up my boots, I found myself being pinned to the wall. Shizuo's bare chest pressed against me, a sickening expression on his face. He cared to much for his own good. Why couldn't he see I was the worst thing for him? He was so unbearably stupid.

"Where do you think you're going Izaya?" He practically growled, "Is this just another one of your fucking tricks? Get me to fall in love with you and then walk out on me as if I'm nothing?" That damned word, there it was again, mocking me, taking my sanity. 

I pushed him away from me, "You don't even know what you're talking about," I hissed, trying to hide my delicate mental state behind closed doors, "You don't know what love is, monster, so don't carelessly use it to describe the arrangement you pushed on me," Trying to break him, I found that my heart was the one wavering, not his. I wanted to crash into his arms, begging him to make this loneliness go away, but I couldn't do this to myself. Not again.

He grabbed me once more, grip almost cutting my circulation entirely, "Don't you dare play cold with me now Izaya!" He screamed at me, every single syllable shattering what little a heart I had, "You're not allowed to pretend this never happened! No matter what you say I know you love me too, and I know you're fucking scared but just let me help you! For once think about someone who isn't you!"

His words stung me, leaving a raw burning in my chest. I released myself from his strong hold and slipped my jacket on, turning around only one more before leaving. Looking him in the eyes, I finally let the agony slip, coating my cheeks in the tears that just would not stop coming.

"Stop confusing yourself," I muttered, leaving him there just as much of a sobbing mess as I was.

I trudged down the stairs and onto the sidewalk with my hood up, hiding my sullen expression. It was raining, just as it always had every time I'd felt like jumping in front of a bus. Though he was the absolute last person I wanted to see right now, I found myself making my way towards Shinra's place, in need of some sort of medically induced coma or anything that would slightly dull the ache I felt in my broken heart. 

Soaked to the bone, I knew being out here in this weather was a mistake, but I was a man on a mission. If I gave up and found my way back to that blond monster after all that, I'd just be solidifying the point that he'd made. I did love him, but it was driving me to the point of insanity.

I'd walked what felt like hours, only to find that a mere twenty minutes had passed since leaving. I stood at the doctor's door, desperately ringing the doorbell, deciding that if he wasn't home, I'd just break in.

Whipping the door open in anger, his hardened brown eyes met mine, obviously looking as if he'd seen a ghost, since I was the last person he'd expected to see here. "What do you want Izaya?" He yelled, noticing my pathetic appearance, "Have you been crying? I hope you're not here to use me as a shoulder to cry on. You do know theres a difference between a psychologist and a physician don't you?" He laughed at me, mocking the mere fact I stood in his doorway, "You look like a drowned rat,"

I pushed past him, not even caring that I was trailing water all over the floor, "Pills, Shinra, just give me pills," I groaned, ready to feel the bliss of being high instead of the pain that crippled my chest.

He gave a shrewd laugh, grabbing my wrist and stopping me in my tracks, "Pills?" He questioned, "You really think there's some sort of medication that can cure something like love? Though it may seem like it, it's not a physical affliction Izaya, people aren't looking for a cure. If there were some cure for it, I would've force fed it to you years ago," He let himself laugh, a sick sound that tore through my head, making the hollowness in my chest grow tenfold. 

I removed his hand, staring into his cold unfeeling eyes, "I don't want to cure it asshole. I want you to fuck me up so bad I won't ever feel it again. Pump me full of pills, make me your lab rat, fuck, give me a lobotomy even, I don't care," I whimpered, "Just make it go away!"

His eyes for once had expanded in genuine surprise and curiosity as the full weight of my words sunk in. With a small sigh, he pressed his forehead against mine, the mere act making me jump. His hands were snug in his pockets, his warm head the only thing making contact with my body.

"Oh Izaya, you've got it bad don't you?" He breathed, hot breath sending me into a trance, "Shizuo's got a lot of work cut out for him if he intends to tame you. I'd say that I'd be surprised if he succeeded, but with the love that your heart harbors for him, I don't think it's impossible anymore. Make sure to give him my regards when you see him again, alright?"

I opened my mouth in protest, wanting to scream at the top of my lungs that I wasn't ever going to see the protozoan ever again, but before I could let any sound escape my lips, I found myself pricked in the ass by a trick I'd never even seen coming. I staggered backwards, pulling the needle from my skin, throwing it weakly at the weasel who'd stuck it in me.

 The room was becoming hazy, my knees disobeying me and giving way, leading me to become a pathetic heap on the floor. My blurry brain was on fire, anger so raw it almost hurt. How dare he use my affections against me! How dare he sedate me like a patient in a psyche ward!

I reached forward looking for any escape, suddenly regretting my decision to come here entirely. I wanted out, wishing to be anywhere but here. Before I could completely pass out, I watched Shinra stand over me, dialing his phone like a good little doctor, as if I wasn't here suffering right in front of him. His voice was muffled by the medicine that flowed through my already tired veins, leading me to lay there and watch his lips mime words to an unknown being on the other line.

Closing my eyes, I gave in. Surely losing myself to sedation would be better than the hell my head had constructed. I'd just hoped by the time I came to that this terrible feeling deep inside of me would be gone, letting me continue to live my life again in ignorant bliss. Though as much as I'd wanted those to be my last thoughts, one last word shot through my brain as I slipped away, and that word was simply, Shizuo.