chapter ten / season one episode three.

THERE HAD BEEN A MURDER. Which, for Small Heath, wasn't a shocking statement. Not when you had more drunkards than you could count, the Peaky Blinders and just downright angry people inhabiting this place there was bound to be murder.

A normal murder wouldn't have intrigued Jack 'Wallace'. In the few weeks he'd lived here, Small Heath had very casual reactions to murder, unless you were the bereaved. People would maybe gasp, and ask the police for any information but other than that, they'd mainly get on with their day.

That's what Jack had been doing anyway. Since coming from London up to Birmingham and staying at his Grand-Da's house he'd become used to the murders that took in the alleyway near the house, it was a very common place for people to be attacked and left for dead to be found by a civilian in the morning. Jack had even found a few himself.

Jack hadn't found this one. In fact, there wasn't a body to be found this time around.

He was going for his morning walk, to fetch the paper and then make breakfast for himself and his Grand-Da. And then he'd reached the alleyway, and it had been cornered off by two police officers. There wasn't a large crowd but there were a few locals who were clearly confused on why the police were hanging around if there was no body and just a bit of blood.

Jack's stomach dropped. There was one person who he saw go into this alleyway...

"What's happening?" His cockney accent drew a few eyes to the teenage boy who dared asked the stoic officers a question.

Surprisingly, the coppers responded to him, "Suspected murder. No body yet. A lot of blood. Lot of police around, be mindful of where you go."

A few murmurs sounded from the locals. Suspected murder. It was pretty obvious the coppers knew there had been a murder.

"How can there be no body?" Jack asked.

The copper rolled his eyes, "Clearly, they cleaned up after they'd murdered 'im. But, they got back too late to clean up the blood someone called it in."

Him. (Another Jack had come to terms with was the accent around here. Back home, Brummies were a very prominent discussion, especially with their accent that the Cockneys liked to poke fun at.) That meant it wasn't her.

"What time do you think the suspected murder was?" Jack queried, posing as the curious boy who lived in the area and not the worried Cockney who feared for another's life. The person who was very important to him... for reasons.

The copper sighed, "Look boy, you gonna keep askin' me questions, or just tell me that you know sommet?"

Jack knew somebody who had walked this way last night. He knew someone who had dared to walk the alleyway in the night. And if he was to tell the coppers that, he'd be doing his father proud. Do what was asked of him.

He stumbled over his words. "I—"

The copper huffed, "Spit it out, boy."

"I saw..."

❋

Olivia Shelby hadn't been able to forget what she'd seen last night. She hadn't forgot the murder she'd committed. It felt like it was engraved in her memory, always there for her to never forget.

The act she'd committed: stabbing that man with a green, sharp, bottle neck in his neck and then proceeding to cut his wrists in a display of her anger haunted her. And yet, Olivia couldn't remember his face. Somehow, that felt worse to her. Not knowing the man she'd killed made her feel even more on edge.

This blurred image of a man had kept her up all night. Her Aunt Pol had wrapped her tight in blankets, duvets and any form of bedding you could think of and sat there with her hand rubbing Olivia's back from the moment she got into her bed and till the sun had fully rose and Finn awoke, and not even the blankets and her Aunt's comfort had driven Olivia to sleep.

Olivia doubted anything would ever make her sleep again. Every-time she'd closed her eyes, her wrists stung and his words ringed in her head. A constant reminder that she was supposed to die last night. And to the man, it had felt like a rite of passage to kill her, but instead it had been his body left unrecognizable covered in both their bloods.

Olivia had been disheveled upon arrival to her house, but she wasn't unrecognizable and left for dead in an alleyway.

She lay on her back staring at the ceiling of her bedroom in Watery Lane. Olivia definitely drew the short stick when she'd picked her bedroom. The deal was, when the Shelbys were younger, that once you reach a certain age you chose a bedroom and you stick with it for the rest of your life. Younger Olivia had prioritized being closer to Tommy's room than space, and the room closest had been the box room. It was a box. The smallest possible space you could imagine in a house in Birmingham. And yet, it was Olivia's. The small 4x4 was hers.

And even if she had slight regret for the size of the room, she could never hate her room. It was her safe haven. The wallpaper had always been this dark green color with an odd pattern that despite its ugliness, felt perfect for her room. The bed was right under the window, with many figures, knick-knacks and teddies decorating the windowsill. The teddies there were the ones that Polly claimed Olivia had no room for on her bed, considering the girl had more pillows, blankets and teddies than she did room for herself on her bed. But, she couldn't bare to let any of them go, especially since all of them held some form of meaning to her. At the end of her bed, with the remaining room she had on that side of the room was a skinny desk, littered with pens, perfumes she'd stolen from Ada and sheets of homework she hadn't bothered to hand in, alongside many framed photos of herself, friends and siblings. Above the desk was a framed photo of her and Tommy, her and all her siblings and a separate one of just of her and Polly.

On the other side of the room, was where Olivia housed all of her books, or at least all the books she'd stolen from Tommy and then claimed as her own. In her defense, the boy had been away fighting a war so he couldn't exactly stop her. The shelves of her bookcase were filled to the brim, nearly over spilling with content. And you could guarantee Olivia had read all of them, and if not all then only a few had gone unread. She was quick reader, but also even if she didn't like a book she was committed in seeing it front cover through back cover. Olivia Shelby could never leave anything unfinished, especially not a book.

Maybe that's why she'd slit the man's neck, and then proceeded to slit his wrists. Couldn't leave the job unfinished.

She shuddered at her own thought. And then sighed. She deserved these thoughts to haunt her, she deserved to think them.

Olivia Shelby wasn't supposed to be here, and now she was paying the price.

She could hear the rest of Small Heath waking up through her open window. Even if it was February, and there was most certainly a frost on the pavement: Olivia needed the chill, she needed her teeth to chatter under all these blankets, and she needed to be reminded that she was here. It was her who survived, and the painful chill reminded her of that.

(And it reminded her of the cold cobble she'd nearly died on last night)

Heels kept clacking against the pavement, people chatting amongst themselves, and the sound of brooms sweeping the pavement. Usually, Olivia liked to focus and see if she could pick up on what any of the people were talking about, maybe hear some gossip from the old dears off to fetch their newspaper for the day.

But, today, Olivia couldn't concentrate over the banging in her head. It was all far too loud. The heels clacking against the pavement, the chattering, the sweeping. It made her head sting to the point her eyes spawned tears and her hands covered her ears. She squeezed them slightly, acting as if more pain was going to rid her of the pain she was already feeling.

Her wrists still stung, her knees were sore and her throat... she didn't want to look in a mirror in fear of what she'd see. Olivia had tenderly pushed her cool hands against her neck earlier on in the morning, and she'd winced and fought back tears. Everything hurt. And everything was a reminder of what she'd done, what she'd survived only to kill in the end.

It hurt so much.

And yet, she didn't want it to stop because she deserved it.

Her hands over her ears stopped her from hearing the knocks at her door, followed by the footsteps into her room.

Someone tapped her back twice. And once she'd realized someone was touching her it was like a switch flipped within her and she grabbed on tightly to the hands that dared touch her, and stared at the person with wide eyes.

It was no longer loud.

Tommy watched her shaking frame, her hands nearly cutting off his circulation with the strength she squeezed them with. "It's just me." He whispered, "Sorry."

Ever since he'd returned from cleaning up the alley - to the best of their ability - he'd been trying to block the image of his sister from this morning out of his head. The image of her bloodied hands, dirtied frock and her bleeding wrists and knees, and yet the image kept coming back to him. Vivid as ever, even more vivid now than when he first saw it. It felt like every-time it came back to him a new memory came back to him, like just now the memory of her pushing away his hands, scared of him.

Her brother, Tommy.

"Sorry, ey?" Tommy muttered again as Olivia's hold on him did not seem like it was going to weaken anytime soon. She was still scared of him. Scared of everybody. "I didn't mean to scare ya. It were just me being careless."

He wished he'd said stupid because maybe then Olivia might've acknowledged him, maybe laughed a little. Maybe he could've got her to stop thinking about the brutality of that alleyway for one second.

Olivia's bottom lip wobbled and yet her hold on Tommy remained all the same. It was the strongest she'd felt in hours. And Tommy's hands were the warmest she'd felt in hours too.

"Let me close the window, ey? It's cold in 'ere, Livvie." He said and tried to wiggle his hands free from the confines of her cold hands. Her cold bloodied hands.

But, he couldn't.

"You'll freeze in here." He insisted.

She wanted to open her mouth and say: "Let me." Instead, she bit her tongue.

"Let go of my hands, Livvie. I wanna help you, alright?"

You shouldn't. But, he will. Because it's Tommy: Tommy her brother, the first person who held her, the boy she idolized. Her Tommy. Here to help her.

Her hands fell beside her, her eyes bore into his.

Tommy stared right back at her with an openness, a vulnerability he wouldn't show others. He was baring himself open to his sister who was searching him like she'd search a threat, trying to decide whether this man was good or whether he was bad. Whether he was a threat, foe or friend.

Tommy Shelby was a bad man. But, to Olivia he's a good man.

"I'm sorry." She muttered, rolling fully onto her side to face Tommy. Her hands were clenched tightly beside her head, before she shoved them under her pillow. "I'm sorry about what I did."

Tommy reached his hand out for her to hold. His hand inviting and warm, so much so that Olivia sought the comfort and placed her hand in his. His palms were calloused, with so much history and stained with so much blood, and yet they were the safest place for Olivia: held in her brother's hand. It was the first safe haven she'd felt after being born, and she could still rely on it today.

"Olivia, you did what you had to." Tommy told her, leaning forward in the chair he'd pulled up to her bed. "And if you hadn't, you wouldn't be here today. And I don't even want to think about, Livvie."

A world without Olivia Shelby... was a world Thomas Shelby never wanted to imagine, because it would be a world he couldn't live in.

"You did what you had to, and I'm proud of that." He used his spare hand to push stray stands of hair behind her ear, "You did exactly what I would've, Livvie, you did the right thing."

Olivia had always looked up to her brother. He'd been her idol since the day she'd been born, essentially. Him and her were cut from the same cloth, destined for greatness, meant to be business partners and they always had disagreements but they ended up on the same page eventually. Olivia just wasn't sure she could end up on the same page as him with this. It wasn't the right thing... to kill someone.

Olivia had killed someone, in self defense. That's what everyone would tell her, that she did what she had to. It's what she'd told herself: him or you. And yet, no matter her reasoning it never lessened the guilt she felt. She didn't imagine anything could ever water this down and no amount of water would ever rid her of the red that stained her hands.

She didn't know how to just shrug a murder off and try to justify her actions, which was odd because Olivia Shelby knew everything. So, why didn't she know how to cope with this? Why weren't Tommy's words making her feel better like they usually did?

She nodded her head anyway. Olivia thought if she attempted to agree with him then maybe she could trick her mind into believing that what she had done was the right thing.

He tried to smile at her, but Tommy wasn't in good practice with smiles so Olivia could see how forced it was.

She looked away from him and found herself staring at the smallest slither of light that peaked through her curtains. It was tiny, no bigger than a centimeter and yet she hated it. The light was good, it was warm, it was pure, it was everything she wasn't. It reminded her of everything she would never be, never in a million years would she be pure, never could she wear a pure white frock without envisioning blood stained all over it. And although Tommy's hand was warm, hers were icy cold.

And Olivia was never going to be good. She was a murderer. And even if it hadn't changed her brother's perception of her, it had certainly changed her own.

She couldn't imagine looking in a mirror ever again.

Olivia wasn't sure who would stare back at her, because it certainly wouldn't be herself.

"You wanna open the curtains?" Tommy queried, observing his sister who stared at the gaping light with a certain distaste. "We could let some light in."

"Don't wanna." Olivia whispered, closing her eyes. She knew if she pretended sleep he wouldn't open the curtains. "Just wanna sleep."

"Alright." He said, quietly and let her hand drop back beside her. "Me, John and Arthur are gonna go to the races, alright? Pol's downstairs with Finn. If you want her, you just shout."

He pressed a kiss to her forehead, his lips lingering for a few seconds longer than they usually did, as if he was afraid his sister would be taken from him any second now. His lips lingered in fear that he'd never preform an act of affection like this with her again. He was scared he'd never do it again.

"And when we come back, I'll check on you, ey? How 'bout that?" He smoothed some of her hair down, watching her closely. It was as if Tommy was memorizing every inch of her face, all the scars from injuries or scabs she'd picked to the point of scaring, the moles that were littered upon her cheeks and her pale complexion... he was scared he'd come back from these races and she wouldn't be here. That she'd slip through his fingers and the man would win.

Tommy had to keep reminding himself that no-one could take Olivia from him, from them. She'd dealt with that problem all by herself.

She nodded weakly.

"You get a good sleep, ey?"

She made a sound of agreement, but she knew better than to be naïve and believe she'd ever sleep peacefully again after becoming a murderer.

❋

At first, Olivia had left her bedroom window open as some form of punishment for her acts last night but it had quickly found itself a purpose when people coming a knocking throughout the day.

It would've been better if she'd actually focused on what they'd been saying, instead of picking at her own skin.

The first person who came knocking was definitely Charlotte, Olivia knew that by the rhythmic knocks on wood that sounded. The Junia girl had always defended her knocking with the reason that she needed to be easily distinguished incase the Shelbys were ever under siege and had to undergo house arrest. Olivia had laughed it off at the time, now she wasn't so sure it was a reasoning far from reality.

People would go to grave lengths to hurt other people.

The Junia girl had obviously ran all the way here with her labored breaths, and long pauses between words. "Is Liv in?" Was all Olivia could remember from her Aunt's short conversation with her longest friend before the door had slammed shut. And it had only been half an hour before Charlotte came back with a crying Eleanora following behind her, "We need Liv's help." Charlotte had begged that time. "Uncle... missing."

Polly had spoken in hushed tones before closing the door shut, much more gently than the last time.

Olivia had squeezed her eyes shut when she'd heard Charlotte lead a sobbing Eleanora out of Watery Lane.

Olivia would say she was desperate to know what was going on with the girls, but she couldn't bring herself to lie like that to herself. She was better off here, wrapped in her bundles of blankets and duvets, far from causing her friends any harm. They were safer without her.

It had been an half hour later when another knock sounded and Polly had groaned before answering it.

An Irish voice sounded this time, and not even Kian could get Olivia to perk up in her bed. She'd been hellbent on proving Kian to be a traitor less than a day ago, and would've used this moment to learn more about him but she couldn't be bothered.

Olivia couldn't even be bothered to find out the truth about Kian.

Kian had been brave enough to stop Polly from slamming the door in his face, wedging his foot in-between himself and the piece of wood. "I don't mean to be a bother..." he'd said. "I brought a basket of bread. It's all we coulda afforded but I hope 'Livia gets better soon."

A bread basket.

Kian Cormac had bought Olivia Shelby a bread basket.

The Shelby girl supposed Polly had slipped the girl's a lie that she was sick, unable to get out of bed and aid them in the search for someone's uncle and Kian had obviously heard the news and decided to be sweet. He was kind to Olivia.

She didn't know whether she liked that or not.

Polly had accepted it before closing the door for what she hoped would be the last time. But, surprisingly, it wasn't. There was a final knock, one that Polly had dreaded all day. The coppers.

Olivia didn't realize another knock had sounded, she was too busy thinking over the fact Kian had brought her a bread basket. She knew he didn't come from the richest of families, and to spend money on her to wish her well was not a kindness she deserved.

Polly kept her hand firmly on the wood of the door, forcing a smile onto her face, "What can I do for you, officers?"

The coppers never turn up at the Shelby house, not unless they want to lose their job. Not unless they're here to arrest a Shelby.

Polly planted an unimpressed look on her face. She had to play the façade of the Aunt who inspired fear in every single resident of Small Heath, even if it was her who was filled with fear right at this moment.

They couldn't take her niece.

Finn was thankful the door was half shut as he pulled Ada up the stairs in the house.

The coppers exchanged a look, "Is it just you...?" He gestured for her to speak her name.

Polly glared at him, "You know my name, boys. And you know you shouldn't be knocking on our door."

"We were sent by the Inspector, Miss." He nervously gulped.

Olivia's door opened, she wasn't quite sure who had burst in but she knew for certain it was two pairs of feet. "'M sleeping." She murmured, warning the pair she wasn't exactly up for conversation.

There was dip in her mattress, "That's a shame, in't it?"

Olivia peeked one eye open to see her elder sister sat on the edge of her mattress, the softest of smiles gracing her face. Unlike Tommy's it wasn't forced and didn't resemble a grimace. It was real.

"Thought I'd pay you a visit." Ada said.

Finn huffed, standing beside Olivia's bed with his arms crossed.

"And Finn too." Ada added on the end, seeing how much a simple sentence had upset the boy.

"I'm not much company." Olivia told them, pulling her blankets closer to her as if that would hide her from her older sister and younger brother. Two people who undoubtedly saw her as a monster.

Two more people who were better off without her.

Finn poked her, repeatedly on her back, "We don't care. Just wanted to see ya."

We don't care.

Why did nobody care? Why was nobody punishing her for what she'd done? Why did everyone just forgive her, especially when she couldn't forgive herself?

Ada's hand squeezed Olivia's leg that she managed to find under all the blankets and duvets, "We love you, alright? So we're gonna read a few books with you..."

"You shouldn't." Finn frowned at his sister's words.

Ada sighed, "Finn cover your ears." The boy grumbled before complying with his sister's wishes, "Olivia, I'm your sister and I'm gonna love you no matter what. You did what you had to, and you need to realize that because if you didn't K-I-L-L him, he would've K-I-L-L-E-D you. And I can't have that, Olivia."

"I don't know what I'd do without my sister."

Olivia had felt an ache in her chest lessen at the fact her sister spelled the forbidden words out loud considering Finn couldn't spell.

And Olivia felt her eyes studying her older sister. Her Ada. The girl who had been so excited to dress her sister up when they were younger, grateful for the girl who would play tea parties with her and activities like that. But, Ada had been blessed within an Olivia who stumbled behind her older brother's shadow, became his secret keeper and dressing up and tea parties weren't frequent.

But, when they did happen they always had a spin. The dresses and heels they stole were to be apart of a big raid in which the two girls took down criminals while Ada found her Prince Charming, and the tea parties always had a cowboy invasion which the girls defeated before they could resume their tea and cakes. It wasn't normal, it wasn't the expectation of Ada and Olivia but it was perfect. Perfect for two sisters.

Ada and Olivia had been blessed with four brothers. (Blessed is a strong term) But, they'd also been gifted the beauty of sisterhood. Being outnumbered and sticking together. Their sisterhood was more beautiful than those four boys combined.

Being a sister felt like the only thing Ada was ever made for. She was Arthur, Tommy's and John's younger sister but she was Olivia's older sister. And that felt like a role she was made for. She was honest with the girl about her outfit decisions and did try and help the girl out with her hair, advised her on the best perfumes of Polly's, enjoyed anytime the two got to get ready with another. Enjoyed the late nights talking about boys, dreams and the girls who were falling out with each other at school. Having a sister was like having a best friend and a soulmate all in one.

Ada needed to look out for her sister, her sister the murderer, because she loved her all the same. No matter the blood, no matter the tears and no matter the ever lasting damage this man had caused to her. Olivia was her sister, and she'd rather Olivia murdered someone than not have her sister at all.

Living without her sister would be like living without a part of herself.

Olivia's bottom lip trembled. Ada was telling her that she should be here. Despite what Olivia's brain wanted to tell her, that she shouldn't.

Her sister clouded all those thoughts. Her older sister had always been right.

Ada provided the teenager a watery smile, "Finn, go pick us a book, ey?"

"Make sure you can understand it." Olivia murmured, pulling back the multitude of blankets on-top of her to make space for Ada on one side of her and Finn the other side.

It was only a small single bed, but Olivia was sure they'd be able to fit the three of them on there, even if they were all squished against one another and Finn was majorly squished up by the wall.

Finn rolled his eyes and tried to grab the Bible.

Ada sighed, and pinched the bridge of her nose, "Something simpler, Finn."

Olivia released a sound that felt like it should've been a laugh as she cuddled up closer to her older sister, wrapping her arms around the woman's waist and feeling the warmth of her sister.

Ada was warmer than Tommy. And dare Olivia say it, much more comforting than their brother.

"What 'bout this?" Finn questioned, nearly tumbling from the weight of the book. He tried to pronounce the title but stumbled over every word.

"Finn, pick something from your own shelves, alright?" Ada suggested. "And bring a few!" She called out the room, knowing his books would only have a few pages and wouldn't be adult books.

Olivia seemed to cuddle further into her sister.

Ada wrapped her arms around the teenager, and kissed the crown of her head. "I know what happened was scary, Stinker, and I know in the eyes of the law what you did was wrong."

Murder was a sin.

Murder was a crime.

Olivia was a sinner, and a criminal.

"But, you did exactly what I would've." Ada told her.

Olivia broke the hug slightly, to look up at her sister with a frown.

Ada continued, "I wouldn't of let him win either, Liv."

Olivia failed to realize how connected her and her sister had been all along. She thought she'd be the only one who viewed it as a form of competition, the survival of the fittest. But, knowing Ada saw it as the same thing... it didn't cure Olivia of her thoughts, it just lessened the noise.

It didn't bring silence, but it made everything that little bit quieter. Easier for Olivia to focus on the easiest book of all time that Finn had placed in his sister's hands.

Olivia shut her eyes, feeling a loud sense of peace for the first time since yesterday morning. It wasn't quiet. It was never going to be quiet ever again.

But, Olivia felt safe with the thought that her sister would've done the same. She felt safe with the
thought that maybe it wouldn't be this loud forever.

❋

"Coppers came." Polly said.

Tommy hadn't even unbuttoned his coat before his Aunt spoke and caught his attention. He froze at her words.

Polly glanced up at him, seemingly swallowing the fear that had overcome her since the coppers left. "They weren't here for her."

Tommy sighed a sigh of relief. As long as it wasn't Livvie.

Polly didn't know what he was sighing for, the news the coppers had told her was certainly quite bad.

"They're looking for Johnny Faye."

Tommy and his Aunt stared at each other.

"They think he was the one... in the alleyway last night." She couldn't bring herself to say what had taken place last night.

Tommy didn't react. As if he'd already known...

Polly's eyebrows furrowed, "But, you already knew that."

He shrugged. "He's gone, Pol. I don't see the problem."

Polly's hand smacked the table, "You know exactly what the problem is, Thomas. You know exactly who he is, and you know what Liv's done to him."

"He was a bad man, anyway." Tommy said, nonchalantly.

"He is Eleanora's uncle!" Polly protested. "He is the only source of income that family know. And our Liv, her closest friend, got rid of him."

Our Liv.

The murderer of Johnny Faye.

The murderer of her own friendship with Eleanora Faye.

AUTHOR'S NOTE:
me writing a sweet ada and olivia section because i miss my older sister: 😔
me, also, destroying friendships at the same time: 😃

anywho, first update of the year and keeping the theme of HEARTBREAK and the difference between olivia and tommy which becomes very very relevant in act two (you are not ready for the things i have done) in the beginning liv was also just supposed to kill a random man but it randomly came to me that she should kill eleanora's uncle, and i've told you this just so you know how twisted my writer's brain is 🥳