[ notes/ sad kazemaru? i think yes. more notes at the end of the story so i don't spoil anything up here lol. ]

"You like her don't you."

"Who?"

"Park."

Fudou immediately choked on his water, spilling a few droplets on his uniform shirt. Without bothering to lift a hand to cover his mouth, he just coughed into nothing. It was only a few minutes after practice, which was absolutely no time to be dealing with any of this nonsense. Fudou just wanted to go home and take a nap, hopefully without having to talk to anyone. Now Kazemaru just ruined that for him, Kazemaru ruined his day. As a matter of fact, Kazemaru ruins every single one of his days.

"Are you serious-!?" The brunette gaped. Kazemaru's expression hadn't changed in the slightest, and he didn't move an inch either. That was enough to answer Fudou's question with a slap in the face, followed by 'yes, you cunt'. The shorter male heaved a very loud, frustrated sigh, ruffling up his hair.

"Okay, here we go." Fudou propped his hands up on his hips after setting down his water bottle. "You being too wimp to confess and get it over with, is no one's fault but yours. So don't be dragging me into this and blaming me." He pointed a finger, obnoxiously. "Get this through your head." Now throwing his towel on the bench, Fudou grabbed his bag and slung the strap over his shoulder. "Also. To answer your question; no, I don't."

Kazemaru let the other male brush past him and leave. This was one of the very rare occasions that Fudou was right, and it was starting to look like it would become more of a common thing over time. It was getting ridiculous, Kazemaru's behavior. He was dragging everyone into his own personal battle, and blaming his constant losses on everyone else. He used to be her close friend, but he ruined that - and it was Fudou, Sakuma and Genda's fault, right? She had originally transferred to Kasamino and it was Endou's fault, right? She didn't talk to him very much anymore, and it was Kageyama's fault.

Since day one, he had liked her - but that made things worse. His stupid boy feelings started getting in the way, making him ecstatic one second, and heartbroken the next. The moment she stepped into the classroom and took the seat in front of him. At first he was struck by her appearance, but later when joining the soccer team - he was practically swept off his feet by how kind and caring she was. Her silly jokes, her skittish nature and how she'd sometimes trip over her own feet. But the way that she connected passes on the field in itself was. . . Beautiful.

When he was thinking about his plan to return back to the track club after helping Endou out for a while, Park and Endou was unbelievably supportive.

"Kazemaru, we're friends, right?" She'd asked him alongside Endou. It must have been because Endou made her much more comfortable than he had.

"Of course we are." Kazemaru chirped in response. She smiled to herself, and turned away. A simple crush, and nothing more. Back then everything was so much simpler. They could all just kick around the ball without a care in the world. He didn't ever think about what would happen if he lost her. If someone else took her.

If he never saw her again.

He was scared. Just, scared, and lonely. He wanted his friend back. He wanted everything back. Having to leave Raimon wasn't a privilege at all, he hated it.

On his way home, he'd suddenly stopped right in his tracks. Without thinking at all, the tealette ran in the other direction. A few people had moved aside for him, wondering what in god's name his problem was. He himself had no idea. Finally, when he'd run out of breath, Kazemaru lifted his head.

He'd been here a few times before, with a lot of his other friends. He quietly stepped up the few stairs to the front porch, and stared at the front door. Slowly, a hand lifted, and he knocked - immediately regretting it right after.

What was he going to say? What would his excuse be? Would she even want to see him at all? Just when he was about to turn around and leave, the door opened. He opened his mouth to say something, but, it wasn't her.

". . . Kazemaru? Is that you?" The woman asked, her brows furrowed. Park Kim-Sun, the lady of the house, but, not who he came to see. Kazemaru didn't say anything, instead, his eyes lowered. For some reason he was disappointed. Kim blinked her eyes, "are you okay darling? You don't look well. If you're here to see Mio then I'm sorry, she went out with some friends, Aki and Haruna I think." She placed a hand on Kazemaru's shoulder. "Would you like me to tell her something? Do you want to come in and wait for her?"

"I-I see. . . No, that's fine. Thank you." Hesitantly, the male bowed his head before turning around and leaving without another word. Kim stood at the door, watching him off for a while. It'd been so long since she saw that boy, he really had grown up. Whatever her granddaughter had done to have him come by so sad, was a mystery to her.

Not thinking very much into it, Kim had shut the door, and mentally made a note to remind Park that he'd come by.

Kazemaru felt like drowning himself, not only did he ask Fudou something so stupid today, but he showed up at the girl's house. . . If she would get even the slightest bit suspicious, then he had no idea what he was going to do. He couldn't confess, he couldn't confess at all.

He didn't have that kind of guts.

After stepping into his house, his mother had greeted him, but he didn't respond very enthusiastically. Normally he'd go into the kitchen and help with dishes or something, but this time he just went up to his room. Shutting the door behind himself, he threw his bag onto the ground.

The tealette sucked in a deep breath before changing into house clothes and neatly putting his uniform away. Immediately afterwards, he fell into bed and stared at the white ceiling.

Where did things all go wrong. . . ?

Where did they all go wrong. . .

Where did they all go wrong. . .

Where did they all go wrong. . .

Where did they all go wrong. . .

"Ichirouta, is everything alright?"

This sudden voice made the male sharply gasp before looking over to the door. It was just his mother, and she was only being concerned about him. The teen blinked a few times before nodding.

"Yeah, just a little tired. Thank you." Kazemaru responded, clenching his teeth.

"Alright. Come down if you need anything, I'll call you for dinner." Quietly, the woman closed the door and left.

A burden to even his mother.

Completely useless.

Utterly hopeless.

Good for nothing.

An absolute failure.

A disgrace.

A shame.

A waste.

Better off. . . Dead.

Wallowing in his own self loathing, Kazemaru turned to his side, burying his face into his hands.

All for a girl? Was this all for a girl that he liked? She wasn't just a random girl, she was once his best friend. Once his reason to wake up in the morning, and even still. His time in Teikoku was absolute hell without her, but then she came back. . .

She came back for him, but he couldn't even get close to her again. It hurt so bad, and the pain just got worse and worse.

It wasn't supposed to be like this. None of this was supposed to happen. She was his princess and he was her prince charming - he was supposed to sweep her off her feet and they'd be madly in love. He finally found the perfect girl that he wanted to be with. It was supposed to be like in those stupid romance books and chick flicks. He was straight up delusional.

He'd never be able to match up to all the people he bid as his competition. He just wasn't enough. He couldn't be the man to make her happy. He wouldn't be the man to take her first kiss, her hand in marriage. . .

Without even realizing, his eyes were already flooded with tears, dampening his white pillow. Though, he was completely silent, and completely still. Yet Kazemaru couldn't stop crying. He couldn't stop coming home like this in shambles and sobbing, skipping dinner and worrying his parents.

All because of her.

All because he couldn't have her.

[ extended ending/happy ending. ]

For a moment he hadn't recognized the ringtone of his cell phone. Kazemaru didn't want to answer, but he rolled over anyways and grabbed it from his desk, the caller ID made the tealette jolt up into a sitting position.

"Why--?" He furrowed his brows, softly sniffling and wiping his eyes before answering the call. ". . . Hello?"

"Uhm- Kazemaru. . . My grandmother said that you'd stopped by the house. Is everything alright? Is there something I can do for you?" Park's voice sounded on the other line.

He immediately clutched at the fabric over his heaving chest. It felt as if his heart was going to explode.

"Everything's fine, I just thought you forgot something but. . . It wasn't yours." He managed to come up with a convincing lie.

"Oh, I see. Sorry to bother you then."

"That's alright." Kazemaru nestled his eyes shut. Couldn't she please, please understand somehow?

"Um. . . Are you busy tomorrow-? It's okay if you are! I'm just asking. . . !" She nervously piped up. He blinked his eyes a few times.

"I'm not busy, was there something you wanted to do?" He responded quietly.

"Sakuma, Genda, Fudou, Narukami, Henmi and I are going to the arcade. I know you refused last time, but I thought I'd ask if you wanted to join again."

Just this alone was enough to almost make him want to burst out into tears again. Whatever he'd done to deserve someone so. . . Wonderful. He had no idea.

"Yeah, I'd like that." Kazemaru refused every time he was asked by the others, but now that she was asking him by herself, he couldn't refuse. "I-I can meet you at your house if that's alright-?"

"Yes! That's perfect! I'll text you the details."

"Thanks. . ."

"Bye then!"

"Bye." With the smallest simper, Kazemaru placed his phone back onto his desk and threw his head against the pillow. ". . . My dear."

[ notes/ okay normally i never, never explain my works. what i tend to write is psychological horror. this is a type of horror that frightens or in this case, disturbs the reader through mental, emotional and psychological states. most of my works are actually this type of horror! they're all quite twisted and disturbing in many ways - but i never particularly explain what means what. . .

this fic sort of flat out says it someway through. kazemaru is delusional. he doesn't understand that he's always scolding Park, that he's the reason she avoids him. he blames it on fudou, sakuma and genda. he sees her as some sort of princess in distress and he needs to save her from the others. one second he's a complete wreck and the other he's fixating his entire life on his daydreams.

so no, the happy ending isn't happy either. he's still stuck with his twisted moral that she's perfect, that she's meant for him, that god literally hand crafted an angel for him and him only. he absolutely hates himself with every fiber in his being. he writhes in self loathing, and she is the only one who can save him. ]