James has been gone for a month, on visiting the other packs having meetings. I been here keeping things organize and under control.

I miss how he hold me at night close to him, giving me passionate kisses,  and holding me like his life depened on it.

I can't take being like this it's killing me!

He calls me but I'm still miss him being near me. He always reminds me how much he loves me and try and cheer me up by making me laugh.

I got off the bed once I feel like I should.  And I walked to the shower with my head low down. And put the water so it was warm. And I started singing to my favorite song 'run' by daughter.

I was mostly singing sad songs, and started crying missing him this much was to much. I just want to cuddle back in bed and close the blends so it was dark in my room and have no one disturb me. I didn't want to be around anyone,  but I have to for James and the pack. I'm the luna after all and I'm supposed to keep things organize too.

After I washed my hair and body and staying a bit extra,  I decided it was time to get out.

I headed down stairs to the kitchen as everyone said hi, I haven't talked to Lilly since the day we all gathered together near the pool with our mates. I should really see her, maybe I'll get breakfast than walk to her room.

Hopefully, her and Jason won't be getting "bussy" that would be embrassing walking in on that.

I got a plate and put the fresh pancakes that were made and put two on my plate with a side of strawberries and blueberries in a bowl with sugar than a glass of milk and syrup on my pancakes this look good, I haven't been eating though and I should I don't want to look bad when James comes back.

I decided to go take a walk in the front lawn where there is a beautiful ocean near there, and bring my journal to write.

The sound of the waves was peaceful,  how all you could hear was just the waves and get lost in the snoozing sound. I sat near a nice view of the ocean.  And let my thoughts drift away.

" Hold me,  like it was the last chance you'll have, kiss me like our first kiss,  make me feel the sparks and have me in the trance of forgetting everything.  I miss you dearly,  the pain gets worse everyday your not here, and a disappointment waking up hoping your there. The pain I wish could go. But only you make that happen.  Only you make me feel special and wanted only if you knew today is 4th month of not burning. I'm terribly afraid I'll slip again from the pain in me. Or the horrible thoughts in my head. I want to keep strong for you but it's to much to bear... I hope I can do this.."

I had tears in my eyes, and flip to the page I had the razor and the lighter in the pocket and just looked at it, as the memories flood back.

" Get over here you slut!" why would he call me that he my best friend I known him since 4th grade.  Why would he treat me worthless now? He knows I'm a virgin and want to wait for my mate.  He always mad that I wasn't his mate, he wanted to be alpha. He abused me and tried to have sex with me to get me pregnant so that my mate when I found him, wouldn't want me. But he never could get me to have sex with him, when he threw me on the bed and I was half naked as he hover over me and buckling his pants with one hand and the other holding my hands above my head, I tried to kick him off but he drugged my wolf and I couldn't... I was weak. But I called my daddy in the pack bond.  And he sent his guards just in time,  they threw him off me and my father ordered for him to have him..well beheaded.

I was scared of guys being my friend or near me. I would wake up with my pillow soak and my face in tears, another nightmare of him. He caused me to feel worthless and uncared for that I started burning a week later knowing I couldn't escape the pain as his words ran in my head.

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