I did it. I defeated Bette. I would be a lot more proud if it wasn't for the fact that my foster sister was dying as I speak. I run to STAR Labs as fast as I can. As I enter the Cortex the usual light mood fades and sadness takes it's place. The first thing I see is Jesse balling into Harry's arms. Even Harry looks as if he might fall apart at any moment. 

This is not good, I think to myself. I walk into the med bay to see a horrifying sight. Cisco is holding Caitlin who looks as if she might pass out at any second. Dawn lays limply on the trauma bed, her saphire eyes which are usually so full of joy, blank and emotionless. Her legs are bent in odd angles and her supersuit seems to be the only thing holding her together. My heart falls out of my chest and onto the floor. 

She's not dead, I assure myself. 

"Hey Dawn," I say as I sit down facing her on the medical bed. "We did it. We caught Bette. I couldn't have done it without you."

I turn towards Caitlin. "When will she wake up?"

Caitlin and Cisco look at me like I am crazy. Caitlin looks angry. 

"She's not going to wake up, Barry," she yells. Her words hit me like a freight train. At first I don't understand what she means. How could Dawn be dead? After all she is a superhero. Super Heroes don't die right?

"What are you talking about? She can't be dead, Caitlin. I didn't see her die," I say totally serious. I am in total denial that she is not alive any more. At any moment I just expect her to wake up and smile at me. 

"I- I didn't say goodbye," I say as the reality of the situation sets in. My brain swirls with thoughts and emotions. I can't quite come to terms with the fact that my sister might have just left me all alone in this dark world. I take her small cold hand in mine and press it to my cheek. The absence of flowing blood is unsettling and causes more tears to slide from my face. 

I pull her limp body into my arms and cradle her like a baby. I stroke her once strawberry blonde hair, but it is now a mop of dark red. I am reminded of the first time that I met Dawn, in my CSI lab, when I noticed the way her hair complimented her eyes perfectly. Her eyes. They were always so full of light and joy; now they were as blank as paper, the light had been muffled out. I take my hand and close Dawn's eyelids; she looks almost peaceful.

I sit there and sob while Cisco and Caitlin just give blank stares at the young girl in my arms. Too young. She hasn't experienced anything in this world yet. 

I kiss the top of Dawn's forehead. 

"I'm so sorry Pickle," I whisper. "This never should have happened to you."

I recall the time when my sister asked me if I regretted meeting her and how upset I was that she even thought the idea. She changed my life so much and I can't fathom the idea of living without her. But now I do. I regret meeting her. If I hadn't met her she wouldn't have died and there wouldn't be the absence of a small, loving genius in this world. She died because of me. Because I was to pissy to walk her home that night last year. 

I continue to cry and hold the small girl in my arms until I almost die of dehydration. Caitlin comes up to me and puts her hand on my shoulder. I look up at her blurry face. 

"Bare, it's time to let go of her," she chokes out. 

"No," I say in a sob that makes my voice squeaky. I try to catch my breath. 

"Barry you're going to be okay, I promise," she reassures me. I don't believe her though. I have witnessed both of my parents die, now my sister. I don't see a way that I will ever be okay. 

"I didn't even get to be there, Cait. I didn't say goodbye or tell her that I loved her," I say in an almost inaudible voice. 

"She knew," Caitlin tells me. "You know that she knew."

I squeeze her hand one more time before laying her back down. As soon as I do I feel as if all of my insides have fallen out and my heart has shattered into a million pieces. Leaving the med bay I feel numb. As if the world has stopped spinning. I wish that it would stop spinning, then I wouldn't have to live sisterless. 

I walk to a random room in STAR Labs for I cannot bare to be in the Cortex. Caitlin comes and sits next to me not making eye contact. 

"You know," I say flatly. "I keep thinking that Dawn will just come up from behind me, give me a hug, and tell me that everything is going to be okay. And then I remember that she can't do that because," I pause and laugh, "she's dead."

I hug myself trying to fill the hole inside of my chest. Caitlin sits closer to me and then wraps her arm around my shoulders. I lean my head against her and start to cry. 

"I just defeated Bette, I won. Why does it feel like I've lost?"

"Cause we did."

-*_

One week later...

How I have managed a whole week without Dawn I don't know. Team Flash is non-existent; Cisco spends the days building nothing and everything, Jesse and Harry went back to Earth Two as Jesse was unable to walk into the Labs without breaking down, Caitlin is MIA, Iris has been at CCPN writing a memoir of Dawn for the paper. Joe is taking the death of his foster daughter a lot harder than I thought he would. He hasn't left the house all week, he hasn't said a word to me. 

I'm broken. 

Every bone in my body aches with the misery that lies within my heart. I feel as if I have been standing one a piece of paper my whole life, just barely scraping by, and now that piece of paper has ripped down the middle causing me to fall down into the deep abyss that is reality. The reality of life is that people die and there is nothing we can do about it. And as much as I want to move on from the gross feeling of grief, I don't. I Don't want to live in a world where Dawn isn't, and that grief is a reminder of her. A reminder that she is still a part of me. 

I can still make out the sound of her voice in my head. I can feel her loving hugs as if she was really there- but she's not. She's gone. 

I am zapped out of my sorrowful thoughts when I get a text from CIsco. 

STAR Labs now. It's Caitlin. 

I run to the Labs in a second. As soon as I am there I see the problem. 

"Oh my God," I say in shock. The Cortex looks as if a tornado hit it; papers and books are spread all over the floor, chairs have been kicked over, and glass carpets the room from a broken window. In the middle of the disassembled room sits Cisco holding a frail women in his arms. She seems to be crying with baggy, salt rimmed eyes. Her skin is pale and covered in a splotchy coat of makeup that has been worn down over days. I don't recognize this stranger, so frail and defeated at first. I take a few steps forward and then squat down in front of Cisco and the lady. 

She looks up at me with cold and sorrow filled eyes. That is when I recognize her- my best friend. 

"Cait," I whisper. She leaves Cisco's embrace and turns to me. I sit down all the way so Caitlin can wrap her arms around the back of my neck in a close hug. Her breath reeks of alcohol, but I am not one to judge. I hold her like I held Dawn when she needed me. 

"I'm so sorry Barry," she says.

"It's not your fault," I tell her back. 

"Yes it is," she says in between sobs. "I gave her the damn drug so instead of dying then, when we barely knew her, she dies now- after we get to know and love her!"

"Shh," I say as I pull her in closer. I stroke her hair softly in order to calm her down. "You did nothing wrong Cait. I don't blame you, Cisco doesn't blame you, Dawn doesn't blame you."

I let a quiet sob fall from my lips. Caitlin has always given me comfort no matter what. She is always there when I need her most. I pull her in a little tighter to try and fill the hole in my chest but the cavity won't fill. I feel her do the same. 

"I- I quit," she says suddenly. 

"What?"

"Barry, I can't be here with you everyday knowing that I caused you so much pain. I don't think I'll be able to live with myself."

"No, Cait. Please don't do this," I sob in a squeaky voice. She draws away from the hug and I feel even more hopeless than when I came here. She holds my face in her cold hands and plants a kiss on the top of my forehead. "No please I can't lose you to Caitlin."

Without another word she leaves the room. In the wake of her absence I am left to cry like the baby faced Barry that I am.  

Great. Half of Team Flash is either dead or gone. 

I don't see any way that this can be fixed. Harry and Jesse are on another Earth for God's sake!

I just sit there and cry and wish that Dawn had never gotten hit by a bus. I wish that I could fix it. Fix it so it never happened. 

And then I remember who I am. 

I'm The Flash.

I can fix this.

I can.

----

A/N: So all of these chapters are pre written and I am writing this when the episode where Caitlin turns into killer frost. Let me Just say that Danielle did a great job with that. Plus there were so many snowbarry scenes that I almost died. Oh gosh I sound like a thirteen year old. Don't forget to vote!