I thought you said
It'd be good if we were apart.
I could've sworn that you told me
That you'd have so much more to say.
Your experiences would bring
Interesting subjects,
Things you'd never thought of before.
New places, people, participations.
To laugh or cry for.
For me you're to die for, but...
It feels like it's not the same.
It feels as though you have
Some sort of priorities
And while I know I can be
Of importance and not be a priority.
If we're dating I'd think I'd be a priority.

If you truly meant that you
Wanted to marry me
Wanted to have
As many children as possible,
That we'd be as we would be married.
You said we were essentially married.

Now I could care less about marriage.
Some little girls
They dream of marriage,
Plan out their wedding to the most attractive,
Trustworthy,
Or first piece of shit they meet.

I didn't.
I waited when I thought I was asexual.
When I thought I was aromantic.
I waited because I wasn't sure I truly was either
And when I found you I learned I was demi-romantic,
Demi-sexual.

I wasn't interested in that until you brought it into the
Conversation.
I love how you got such bright eyes,
Such loving eyes when you said it.

When you talked about having kids,
Showed me videos of tiny toddlers being tickled
Or brand new babies babbling silly words
I knew I wanted to have a family with you.
Even with how terrified and petrified I felt.
I want to give you that.

Our priorities are misaligned,
It does not mean it can't work out.
I trust, as silly as it seems, in my heart
It'll work out.
This does not mean it won't be rough.
This does not mean that
Everytime I realize that you haven't
Called or texted,
When I've told you many times
Just how broken I feel without you
And I've listened to you say you didn't want
To call or text
Because you'd be at work
Or because you didn't want me to think you weren't when you weren't busy,
I fall apart.

If I fall apart,
Then to me it isn't good.
I need to cope,
Need to find a way--
But my way doesn't work.
Find a new way?
What way?!

There aren't enough distractions to
Mask that you're not snoring beside me!
Remove the anxiety I feel!
Cuddle up to, to ignore the fact that the room is 10 degrees colder when you aren't in it!
Be able to hear you laughing or raging
In the space next door!
See your smile that makes my heart clench!
I don't want that from someone else!

My heart is breaking.
If this is 3 weeks, then what is 6 months?
If this is 3 weeks, then what is 4 years?
If this is 3 weeks, then what the fuck is a whole contract?!
What the fuck is raising children together
When there is no together but in name?!
What the fuck is being married,
Becoming two halves,
When the other half is halfway across the world or even just a few states apart?
What the fuck is it when...
Everything in me just wants to follow you.

Take my dreams, take my money, take my heart,
Just TAKE ME WITH YOU!

You're my priority.
I hate being apart.
My infinitely-talented-and-hates-compliments masterpiece,
I thought I said I love you.