Everyday is a battle to fight what is right, to fight your happiness and to fight your life.

" We should indeed keep calm in the face of difference, and live our lives in a state of inclusion and wonder at the diversity of humanity."

I am 10 years old when i already felt that i am different from people around me, why? Because instead of playing basketball with guys i prefer playing Chinese garters with girls, instead of falling in love with a woman i fell in love with a man, back then, i know that i am not just an ordinary person, i am a unique gift from God, I hid it from my family members, Especially to my father, my father who hates Gays, Lesbians and all, he believed that God created Man and Woman, nothing more nothing less, at a young age i learned to lie not only on my father but also on my own feelings, it really is difficult growing up without a mother, a love and care coming from a mother, but i did grew strong, why? because i have a supportive aunt and sister.

" GAYS ARE NOT ON OUR GENES!" Those are the words that my Father keeps on telling us everytime he is drunk, those words are like knives that slowly stabbed me at my back and kill me softly.

" Let him show his true color, don't hold him on his neck, don't pull back his happiness and bury it "that was the quote that my Aunt always tell to my father, the quote that is already engraved on my heart and mind.

Everyone see me as a happy person, i smile a lot, laugh hard, but little did they know that i am wearing an imaginary mask, a fake mask, they can see how happy i am outside when litterally i'm slowly dying inside.

" You really are a happy person right yugin?, it's like you never had a problem" this are the question that everyone asks me everytime they see me smiling.

I just nod as an answer, why? Because i don't want to open my mouth and share my story, because we are living in this small world and we never know who we really need to give our trust with.

At 18 i had my first boyfriend, that time i already have my own mind, i already know the difference between wrong and right, i already know the sadness and happiness, trust and loyalty.

" i already had my first boyfriend and first kiss" i always screams under my pillow, my face turned red instantly, he is the reason behind my smile, my energy and my happiness, but why does destiny find it's way to ruin my happiness? Am i that bad person? Life will give me a short period of time to be happy and immediately steal that happiness back instantly.

" Your bestfriend is your best enemy" I've read on a book, i heard it from my workmates but i never believed those words not until I, myself experienced the pain that my bestfriend caused me. The pain that i never tought i'll experience, I know in the first place that being gay is different, it's either guys fool you, play you and take everything that you have, i know that one day he will leave me when he gets bored but why it's so sudden, my boyfriend and bestfriend had an affair while we are dating, is this what they call double dead?, betrayed?.no one knows.

Since then i build a wall, a wall that no one can break, i had trust issues back then, everytime i meet someone, it's either i try to test them by letting them know my real attitude,when they can't take it and leave me, it means they are not really a good person for me, but if they stayed even though they saw the worst in me those are the people i need to treasure the most.

(People i trust the most )

At 20 i started earning money, for what? for
my own good, i want to travel and visit different places around the globe, life is short you never know when your going to return the life that you barrowed from up above.

" Earn and Travel, money will be gone but you can earn it again, but the time that passes you, you can never bring it back" This quote is my motivation to fight back and stand on my own feet.

May 8,2018. That date is the second memorable date of my life, why? Because that was my first time joining a gay pageant and i won 1st runner up. My winning answer was

Question : What do you think is the contribution of a bisexual including yourself in the society"

Answer: I think the contribution of a bisexual in the society is that, we are a role model
For everyone, we use our voice not to brag them down but we use it to uplift and motivate them to show the world that even though we are bisexual we are strong to show them what and who we really are. thank you".

(Heres a screenshots of my answer sorry i can't put the video)

I went home wearing make up and wig, as i stepped on the door i saw how disgusted my father was, he stared at me as if he was skining me alive, i saw how he folded his fist, i took a deep breath and courage to enter the door, i never thought that the sash, the crown and the trophy that i was holding will be the reason for my heartache and bruises all over my body, the trophy broken in two on my head, the sash became a rope tied on my neck and the crown became a knuckle and punched on my stomach, that time i was badly Hurt,I wanted to end my life instantly, i locked myself inside my room, I wrote a goodbye a letter on a piece of paper tied a rope on a ceiling and almost hanged myself, i'm already standing on the chair when a piece of plastic fell off the floor, i glanced at it and saw a letter printed in it
" LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL" in a snap of a finger i loosen the rope and slummped on the floor, i cry, i cried as an ocean while asking for forgiveness from God, i almost ended my life and he still showed me light, that time i believe in miracles, miracles really exist.

That night my aunt came rushing to our house running and sweating, she told me that she saw me on her dreams full of blood, asking for help and forgiveness. After she said that i felt goosebumps and hugged her tightly, i burried my face and cried on her shoulder.

I experienced a lot of pain at a young age but that didn't become a hindrance for me to go on and live happily.

June 15, 2018.
When i decided to step up on the stage again and prove myself to my father, I joined
" Beautiful Guy" this pageant is a mini pageant wherein we, the contestants will walked infront wearing male clothes and for the finale we are going to transform into a girl, this time i did my best, but then luck is not on my side i won " Ms. international or 2nd runner up" i did not bring home the crown but at least i felt the true meaning of the word " WINNER" in my friends who supported me, my workmates who i stole their precious time just to come and cheer for me. That time i went home like a thief, i walked slowly on our living room not making any sounds for me to be able to escape my fathers notice.

" whos that?" That was the scariest voice i ever heard, i saw my aunt turned her flashlight on and pointed on my direction

" Whos that?" My father shouted

I smiled to my aunt " the stupid cat is climbing the frying pan again" she lied as she walked near me.

That time i feel how my aunt treasures me, how she believes on my capabilities.

I gave her the money that i received from the pageant, i told her to use the money for the bills and to buy food,to buy my father a cigarette and liquior. She smiled at me

" you still care for your father even though he is always hurting you" she said

" Of course Aunt, yes he will get mad at me, hurt me he can do anything he wanted to do to me, and all i can do is to be mad at him for a couple of seconds and smile, in the first place he is my father, i wont be able to see this wonderful world without him" i answered

She went back to bed after that.

July 24, 2018

Me and my best friends birthday, we celebrated our bithday at my house, we bought cakes, gifts and stuff. We celebrated our day happily.

--
I came home from work when i saw my father drinking again, this time i can feel something bad will happen

" you! Gay! You know what you are useless here! You can't even give money for us to buy food, to pay the bills, i guess it is better for you to live alone, take all your things! pack them out and get out of my sight i dont want to see you anymore" He shouted, again those words are like billion of needles that are pierced on my heart, my eyes began to water, where's aunt i need her right now.

My father, the half of my life, my hero, throw my clothes on the floor and outside the house, that night my body is shaking, i am not only tired because of work but because of what my father is doing to me. I saw my siblings crying while hiding on their room, i know they wanted to help me, but they can't,we all know our fathers attitude when he is drunk.

" stop crying! shit, if you want to come with him go, you are all useless" he shouted and locked himself on his room

I called my younger brother, he went and hugged me, he stopped me from leaving but i can't do anything, i give him all money that i have, i walked out from our house crying, wondering on the street, i dialed my workmates number and asked if i can sleep with them for the meantime.

(Here are my collections that i carried all the way our house to my workmates house)

I stayed with them for almost half a year, i still
Manage to help the bills on our house, i still give allowances to my younger brother, i always ask our father, i miss our house. I miss them, aunt keeps on calling me telling me to go home and fix everything, she always says that my father is just drunk that time, and he dont know what his doing that night, but i simply tell her that i'll just stay for a couple of days and if i already have courage i will go home.

November 29, 2018

We had a pageant on work, since i am newly hired i was pointed to be the representative of our company, i prepared hard for this, because compared to the pageants that i joined this is the biggest one, i will be competing with the veterans, i worked hard, prepared myself for it, at the end i lost, but its fine with me, why? Because it was a great experience for me, this might me my stepping stone. I lost today but tomorrow i will be the one who will pass the crown too.

December 24, 2018

When i received a text message from my sister inviting me to celebrate Christmas at our house, i don't know if i will go, i need to, at exactly 11:59pm i came inside the door, they looked very happy seeing me, i look like i came from the other country, the way they welcomed me its like i worked abroad.

I saw my father, sitting on the sofa, quiet and drinking his beer, my aunt pushes me to his direction, i sat on his side and held his hands, he was startled but he remained quiet.

" Dad, I'm sorry, for not being a good son to you, i'm sorry i grew up being different, sorry i became the opposite of your ideal son, i'm really sorry" i said my eyes began to water, i felt that my father gripped my hands

" here drink with me" he said and offered a bottle of beer

" You shouldn't be sorry son, i should be the one apologizing, i never see your sacrifices to our family, your aunt told me everything, she told me that you almost use all your salary for us, and im so sorry i kept my eyes closed on that" he said

"I already forgived you dad, and i never been mad at you and i will never be" i said and hugged him, we greeted Jesus's birthday happily and complete.

I wish we can stay happy like this everytime.

December 31, 2018

Tomorrow will be New year, i invited my bestfriends to our house and celebrate new year with us.

10
9
8
7
We are all shouting, counting down
6
5
4
The heppiness on our faces are priceless
3
2
1
Happy new year, we shouted and hugged each other

" krystal bestfriend happy new year thank you for staying at my side thank you for being my friend for 7 years now"

" same to you i love you best friend"

( We are 3 best friends 😘😘
I love them both abi and krystal)

--

January 1, 2019

This is the first happiest day of my life and my years, why? Because of my father's announcement

" Yugin, come here, hey everyone, listen i want all of you to know that i am proud of having this man as my child and i will never regret having him, i love you" he said, i didnt notice that i am already crying

( my father is the one on the edge
On the left side is my nephews boyfriend ryan in front of him is his girlfriend Monalyn, carmelita,ME, my sister her children, my uncle and my father.)

Families are the compass that guide us. They are the inspiration to reach great heights, and our comfort when we occasionally falter.

We will face different problems, love, friendship and family, but as long as we hold each others hand we will survive through it, praying is always the key, God is always at our sides. Trust him and he will give everything that you wanted.

I glanced on my student and saw several
Of them wiping the tears on their eyes.

" Okay class do you have any question right now?" I asked my them

" sir, i have one question" Von raised his hands

" yes what's that?"

" so the story is real? It is not edited?"

I smiled at him

" 95% real and 5% i added some, you can see it on the pictures that i made, the slideshow"
I winked at him

" sir i have one more?" Jessie said

" yes jessie?"

" So how are you doing right now sir, are you happy?"

" yes i am, i am very happy, because i have the courage to share my story to all of you and since we are celebrating the LGBTQ pride, we should be proud of what and who we are, dont be scared, be bold be out and proud, i hope
You gained and learned a lot of lessons okay"i shouted

" before we end this session, please take this inside your heart and inside your mind" i placed my hands on the table and stared at them

" GAY PRIDE IS ABOUT BEING PROUD OF WHO WE ARE EVEN THOUGH WE FACE DISCRIMINATIONS DAILY. SO BEFORE YOU ASK WHY THERE ISN'T A STRAIGHT PRIDE MONTH, BE GLAD YOU DON'T NEED ONE "

" HAPPY PRIDE MONTHS PHILIPPINES AND TO THE WHOLE WORLD"
(June 29,2019)

" Not my typical Unicorn and Rainbow story ends here."