In his training as a special agent, which to this day many people mistake as secret agent, Yibo learned a few golden rules that he promised himself he would never break. For example, never to be emotionally influenced by a target. Or also, to make his partner in service, his best friend and to know everything about him. Even things that his partner does not know himself.

But of all things, it was the rule about his partner, that Yibo failed at. Because even though he made him his best friend and always trusted him, he was betrayed by him. Worse than that, Yibo was forced to take his partner out of action himself. Since then, nightmares haunt Yibo every night. In his dreams, he relives over and over again how he found out that his partner had betrayed him and the agency.

For three months Yibo has therefore not been allowed to work. He has to visit a psychologist twice a week and try to overcome his trauma together with him.

In each session, Yibo has to retell what happened that night three months ago. And Yibo didn't feel like doing that anymore. He didn't feel that these sessions were helping him. Most of the time he felt even worse afterwards. But, he also knew that if he didn't cooperate and refused, the psychologist would still not give him a work permit.

And so he told again: "My partner and I were after a target. The target had killed his former employer's entire family out of revenge and had been on the run ever since. We finally found him after a long search and wanted to call for backup. We had to, when a known drug dealer showed up at our target's place and he, had 8 more men with him. We watched our target and the drug dealer. I radioed for backup, which should arrive in 20 minutes. So, as always, I followed the rules. Suddenly, my partner got really nervous. I asked him what was going on and he pulled out his gun and put it to my head. He told me it would be over in a minute and I should just forget what I saw. I was scared and confused. Then my partner lowered the window on his side and called one of those 8 men. He whispered something in his ear, the guy left and then the drug dealer, his men and also our target disappeared. My partner apologized to me for having to find out this way what he was doing for a living lately. We argued and all the while he held the gun to my head. When the backup arrived, he used me as a hostage and tried to escape. I fought back and managed to disarm him. A fight ensued, he pulled out a knife that was part of our equipment and threatened me in the process. We continued to fight and I managed to snatch the knife from him. But, he grabbed me and pushed himself into the knife. I felt the blood running over my hands, I was panicking. My colleagues rushed to my side and tried to stop the bleeding. But it was useless, because he stabbed the knife into his heart and died almost instantly."

"And since then, when you wake up after a nightmare and look at your hands, you see the bloody hands." Replied the psychologist.

"Yes. For a moment then I still see the blood on my hands and can still feel the warmth of the blood as it ran over my hands."

"Why do you still believe it was your fault?"

"Because I should have removed the knife from us immediately. I learned how to do that. But I was so shocked that I just held the knife in my hands and could only stare at him. Also, I think if I had been a little more observant, I should have noticed that he had been hiding something from me for some time. I should have wondered where the money for the new car came from, his new apartment, and the like."

"Do you think you could have stopped it?"

"Maybe. I'm not sure. I mean, by the time it came out, he was far too deep in it."

"Your supervisor said he was acting like he always did and no one noticed anything. He also said that your partner was so skilled at lying that you couldn't have even noticed. And also that he told that he took a loan for the car and his apartment. I can only repeat myself Agent Wang, you are not to blame for what happened."

"Then why do I feel guilty?"

"Because he was very close to you. You were assigned to him when you were fresh out of your agent training and he taught you a lot of things that you can't learn in training. You trusted him and always relied on him. You probably think he would have regretted his actions and gone back to being the person you knew if he hadn't died. However, dying was his choice. He was just using you as a tool. He had no intention of facing his justice punishment. You understand that, don't you?"

"Yes, I do. Still, these doubts are in me. And so are these blames that I forgot one of the rules at that moment and didn't drop the knife."

"Agent Wang, you're only 25 years old. You've been doing this job for three years and you're one of the best in your department. You're talented like no one else there. Everyone knows it wasn't your fault. Everyone can understand the situation you were in at that moment. You just have to learn to accept what happened and forgive yourself."

"It's not that easy. And being at home all the time all day doesn't make it any easier for me. The ceiling is falling on my head at home. I want to finally be able to go back to work. I don't want to have to think about it all the time anymore."

"Are you still taking your medication?"

"Yes, of course. And they're helping me, too. I can already sleep better at night now. But the nightmares are still there."

"You should keep taking the medication, too. How about, I give you a conditional work permit? What I mean is that you slowly start working again. First, only in the office and not more than 4-6 hours a day. And then we'll see in two weeks if you're feeling better or not."

"As long as I don't have to sit at home all day and have something to do again, I'm all for it."

"Fine. Then I'll write the report and my recommendation for your supervisor now. I guess you could then, starting Monday of next week, begin working again. But as I said, only in the office for now." Explained the psychologist. And after more than three months that Yibo was now at home and not allowed to work, this was the best news in a long time.

After his appointment, Yibo went back home. He only made a small stop to buy some groceries at the supermarket. As he looked at the groceries in the cart, he wondered why he always bought so much for himself. And besides, he couldn't cook anyway. He usually ate the vegetables as they were and rarely cooked the noodles and rice for himself because he preferred ready-made meals.

Yibo often took it upon himself to learn how to cook. But as a special agent, he just didn't have the time or the desire. He wanted to hunt down and imprison criminals, not know how to peel cucumbers or make soup. Besides, they got their meals every day in the Agency's canteen.

But now that Yibo had been home for three months and he ate the ready-made meals almost every day, he was already sick of them and wished he could at least cook small meals. It would have been enough for him if he could prepare a salad.

The cashier at the counter flinched when she saw Yibo. He knew she still wasn't over his freak-out from two and a half months ago. At that time, she had accidentally cut her finger on one of the items and it was bleeding badly. When Yibo saw the blood, he freaked out, thinking again about the incident with his partner and his bloody hands.

He had suddenly seen red and was screaming like crazy. No words, just desperate screams. His psychologist told him that the incident with his partner had left a trauma in him and that's why he freaked out like that. Meanwhile, Yibo can bear the sight of bleeding fingers or wounds in general, again and also no longer has to immediately think of his partner.

The saleswoman greeted Yibo reservedly but friendly. He had long apologized to her and explained what happened, she also understood. But was still afraid that he could freak out again.

Once home, Yibo sat down on his sofa, ate one of the oranges he bought and turned on the TV. A man reported being the victim of a violent crime and not receiving any help from the police officers at the police station. The culprit slipped an envelope to the police officer and was then allowed to simply go home.

Yibo shook his head. "Apparently these corrupt officers are everywhere." He grumbled as pictures of the victim were shown, clearly proving that violence had been used on him.

For Yibo, one thing was certain: when he was allowed to return to his duties, he would find all these corrupt officers, no matter where they were hiding, and bring them to justice. He would like to start in this police station. Because exactly this police station, was reported now so often, that Yibo wondered why the police chief did not order an investigation long ago.

If they asked Yibo if he wanted to investigate there, he would immediately say yes. He knew that. Because since the incident with his partner, he hated any kind of corruption. Officers who let themselves be bribed, are the last for him!

In the evening, when Yibo was about to watch a movie, his father, who is also his superior in the agency, called him and congratulated Yibo on the fact that he would be allowed to work again in a few days. Yibo asked his father about the police department from the news and if there were any assignments there for an investigation. But his father said, "Not so far. Honestly, we're already waiting for the police chief to ask us to investigate."

"If I'm fully recovered by then, I want to do it. I'll find out what's going on and I'll put those bastards behind bars!" Yibo replied harshly.

"Mhm, I hope you'll be ready by then. After all, you are the best for such undercover operations. But don't think it will be easy. They wouldn't have been able to get away with it for so long if they weren't careful or had something in their hands they could always get away with."

"The only thing they might have in hand would be higher-ups who are also getting bribes."

"That's right. I feel the same way you do son. But it's best we don't talk about that until you're fully operational again."

"All right. Um, Dad I'm hanging up now. I want to watch another movie and then go to bed. I thought I could get some exercise tomorrow, and besides, Mom's been begging me to visit her, for a long time."

"Your mom will be happy. Don't overdo it with the workout. And have fun with the movie."

"All right dad. See you then." Replied Yibo, ending the conversation.

Yibo calmly watched the movie, a new agent movie, where he had to shake his head again and again, because hardly anything of what is shown there corresponds to reality and after a short shower he went to bed. He took his two pills, turned on his little night light as usual and fell asleep.