03/17/16
  Entry #58
  Everyone is told about aiming for their dreams and to never quit until they achieve them, but I have never had any goals in life. People go to college to earn degrees that they want to major in and pursue a career they are interested in, but I have never had such ambitions. People grow up in order to move out of their parents household and start to move on their own two feet and it is inspiring, but I could never do that. Some people call them brave, but I call them a damn fool.

People live their lives without needing to know what they are going to do everyday, but I am not one of those people. My life is very predictable because there is always a schedule to follow and there is never gray area to even consider doing something else. For most of my life, it felt like I was in a prison because of the strict schedule that gave me no time to breathe. In many ways, I felt trapped even though I had not committed a crime. I have known for a long time that there is no life for me and I have come to accept that.

I am only a twenty-three-year-old man, and in theory, I should be able to do as I please, but with my parents around, I have no chance. There were times when being perfect became too much and I lashed out on them, but they have made it clear if I do not follow their wishes, any dreams I have will be crushed. While I know it seems like a silly threat, it is not because my parents happen to be very wealthy and very influential. I am not dumb enough to leave; I would be lucky to get a job at a drive-thru restaurant if I did.

There was a time when I felt tempted to take that chance though. During my time at college, it was the closest I got to ever having a normal life. I continued to live at home, but while I was on campus, I finally was able to experience normal things, such as attending a class and ordering food from a local restaurant. My whole life was spent being isolated by tutors and computers. I had access to very limited websites because my parents only thought that being aware of the news was important, but at college I had access to the library where I could explore brand new things.

It stayed a secret for almost two years before my parents found out. From then on there were much stricter regulations and expectations. I was still allowed to attend college because I needed to finish my degree, but I was no longer allowed to stay after classes. Of course I obliged, since I was had no choice. It was then when I realized I was depressed. My only source of happiness was taken from me, and it caused me to go numb. It was a dark time for me to say the least.

However, it seems that the world wanted to give me more false hope. There was one day when one of my professors offered a lecture outside of our class hours for extra credit. While I did not need it, my parents agreed because it would only make them look better if their son did better than everyone else. The lecture was only two hours after one of my classes ended, so instead of taking the hour trip back home just to return back to campus, I stayed. I was not allowed to go on the computers, so I decided to just read a book on different illnesses. Maybe in another life I could be a doctor.

While I was reading, some guy asked where I had found the book, and while I am not accustomed to speaking to people, I do know how to because there would be no greater shame to my parents if I failed to do so. However, instead of just ending the conversation by pointing to where the book was, I offered to show them where because fuck it: I will never get another chance to talk to a person.

Our interaction was not interesting, but I decided to be bold and ask the man a question. The response was short, but he responded with another question, and it made me smile knowing someone was curious about me even if it was just to be polite. Once we had reached the area I bid farewell only for him to stop me and ask, "You're Jung, Hoseok, right?"

The question threw me off completely. I am a nobody; a person meant to never pique anyone's interest. This person knows who I am? There are people out there who notice my existence? Maybe it was not that important, but to me I felt special because someone not only recognized me, but made an effort to converse with me.

"Yes I am; do we have a class together?"

"We used to actually. About two years ago in our math class."

His name is Min, Yoongi, and believe me when I say he never left my mind after that. I would not say I was a stalker, but there were times when I would try to find him just to see how he is doing. Due to my very limited access there were many days where I would not see him. However, there were those special days when I was able to see him walking around on the campus. I knew we were in different majors because he never wandered into buildings relating to business. Based on where I have seen him enter and exit, I do not think it is wrong to assume he was majoring in music.

It only made me that more interested in Yoongi. Part of me was tempted to skip class to try to find him to just speak a few words to him, but I know my limits. He seemed happy with the few friends I always saw with him. I used to think I could be happy seeing him from a distance, but once I graduated from college, I realized how lonely I truly was and how I want to be a part of his friend group. They seemed so carefree and happy.

I was never interested in relationships before because of my limited interactions with humans in general. I did not even consider myself having developed feelings when I met Yoongi. I knew I was attracted, but never realized how badly it was until I saw him kiss a woman. At first I was happy, but I felt my feelings change and it was only then that I found out I liked the same gender, and I liked a male who was already taken.

It hurt to face my emotions because I knew I could never be happy with Yoongi. It hurt more that one day I would be in an arrange marriage with a woman where there would be no spark. Becoming a CEO of a company is great, but all the sacrifices that come with it just make it not worth it. I think this realization gave me the courage to be bold and try to negotiate with my parents for the first time in my life.

"I understand the plans you have prepared for me and I intend to abide by them to please you both, but may I ask for one request?" The fear I felt in that moment was unbearable.

"Well out with your request."

"Well. . . within the last year I have understood my role in life, but I have also realized I am not okay with everything happening. I can handle being isolated, running the company, and even marriage, but is it possible the marriage is one of two men?"

The tension in the room only amplified by the question. I not only made an outrageous request, but I also indirectly told them I am gay. I thought I was going to be starved, beaten, and deprived of contact from the whole world in that moment. I had already thought of the arguments they would make since there would be no way for us to give birth to a child that could continue the line, and how it would bring shame to everyone because I am different.

"If we are to say no, what would you do?" While it was such an easy question, it implied many scenarios were about to down depending on my choice.

"I honestly don't know. I want to have some kind of happiness though. I understand that I would not be able to have a child, but we could adopt a child or even get with a female for the intent to have a child only. I know that you guys are worried I could bring shame to the family and business by coming out, but nowadays people are more open to same-sex-relationships and if anything, we can take the first step for others to follow and make a name for ourselves. I know I have no say in who I marry, but is asking for the same gender really that bothersome?"

Needless to say, I had a very rough time the following months. I thought I was stupid to even think they might consider my request. I thought there was no hope because of all the harsh punishments that came my way because of that discussion, but I think my parents saw the chance to make themselves look better which is why I am hearing this right now:

  "We have arranged your marriage. We have our own interest in this family, and since they have no daughters, we will abide your request and allow you to marry a male."

  I cannot even begin to explain how excited I was! Not only does this show they care a little bit, but I just might be happy finally! Apparently from what I have been told my partner is around the same age as me! I do not expect us to love each other because it is an arranged marriage, but maybe we will be able to become friends? I may still be chained, but I will have less restrictions and that thought just enlightens me!

  From what I have been informed, my partner recently finished school as well and he even went to the same college as I did. Maybe I will recognize him? I hope he is neutral about this marriage though. I would feel horrible knowing I forced someone into this unwillingly. My biggest fear though is that we get divorced because death would be less scary than facing my parents. I would truly be devastated because this is an escape from hell.

  I wrote a really long time. . . I had so much to just pour out I guess. Now that I was able to get this weight off my chest I have to go get ready because I get to meet my partner for the first time! I just hope we get along. Wish me luck!