" This day is perfect!"

" Have you seen the flowers?!"

" Doesn't Roy look like the absolute perfect flower girl?"

" I can't believe this day is here!"

" You look beautiful!"

" Cailin"

" Cailin"

With a shake of my arm, I look over to see Jess by my side. She gives me a smile but her eyes are searching for an answer. But I don't know what to say.

Jess breaks her eye contact and turns towards the mirror. I follow her gaze into the mirror. She stands behind me fixing little strands of my hair. While everyone around us sips on glasses of champagne with wide smiles on their faces, I watch Jess holding a caring look in her eyes. She can read right through me.

" Mom?" I look over. " Can you get me some water?"

" Of course!" she smiles getting up and walking towards the table of beverages.

" Thank you" I say once she hands it over to me.

I drink the water through a straw so it doesn't ruin my makeup, something my mom had warned me about.

I'm still trying to process everything that happened last night. From Nathan's speech and Harry's reaction to me going to his place reacting the way that I did. I still can't decide who was wrong. 

There's a knock at the door. I look over taking a deep breath not really knowing what to expect, or who. One of the girls walks over and opens the door. It's one of the assistants to the wedding planner. She's holding a vase with flowers.

" This came in a couple of minutes ago" the girls smiles.

" Is there a note?" my mom beams walking over towards the flower.

Mom walks over towards me with the flowers in her hands and shows them to me. She's the one to dig through the flowers in search of a note. She pulls out a little card and reads it outloud for everyone to hear.

" Enjoy your beautiful day" Mom says.

Simple.

" Who is it from?" I ask.

" No name" Mom shakes her head.

She hands me the card and I look at it. It's hand written. It's not from Harry. I shouldn't have expected anything. I toss the card onto the vanity and take a breath.

A few moments of laughter and cheers passed as I watch them. I don't know how I'm reacting in front of them. I'm paralyzed inside. I shouldn't be feeling like this, yet here I am, afraid of saying the wrong thing in front of everyone.

The wedding planner walks into the room with a clipboard in her hand.

" Are we ready?" she asks.

" Yes!" Mom cheers next to me.

Everyone gets up too fast. I look around almost desperately looking for something, someone. But it's Willow who I'm searching for. Her comfort. Her impulsivity in a way.

Jess places her hand on top of mine. I look up at her and get a comfort that I'm in need of.

" Are you ready?" she asks quietly.

I nod quickly ready for this feeling to be gone.

I walk out behind everyone with Jess by my side. As we walk down the hallway, it only seems to feel like a longer walk. The hallway never stops. My throat starts closing in and I cling to Jess. She looks down at me reading me entirely.

" Let's take a breather back in the room" she whispers to me.

But I can't move on my own. I hear her say something to the rest of the bridal party before pulling me into our room. I sit on the couch trying to catch my breath.

" Do you want anything to drink?" Jess asks me.

I shake my head.

" Are you sure you want to go through with this?" she questions me.

I look up at her, not really knowing my answer.

Jess walks over and sits on the floor in front of me. She places my hands in hers slowly stroking her thumb on the inside of my palm. She breathes with me. She hums for me. Yet all I can think about right now is an old song. The song that used to calm me down years ago.

Hold on we're coming home.

That's what I hum and Jess hums it along with me not knowing how much this song means to me.

" How did I get this far?" I whisper looking down at our hands.

" What?" Jess asks calmly.

" How did I get here feeling the way that I'm feeling now?" I look up at her with tears flooding my eyes.

" What are you feeling?"

" Lost" I tell her.

The door opens abruptly taking me by surprise. I'm half expecting for it to be my mother trying to rush me down the aisle, to show her daughter off. Maybe even Roy, too excited to wait another minute for the wedding.

It's Harry.

I stare at him with tears already flooding my eyes.

" Harry, right now is not the time" Jess shakes her head as she picks herself up off the floor.

" I need to talk to her, Jess" he tells her.

Jess looks down at me and I shrug knowing that Harry won't leave until he's said what he wants to say. I'm terrified on the inside hoping he doesn't make me feel worse.

" Five minutes," Jess tells Harry. " I'll be back in five minutes."

Jess leaves and the room becomes silent. I watch him pace around for a couple of seconds as he looks down at the floor. He's dressed up for the wedding. He woke up his morning and got dressed to come to my wedding.

" What happened last night... wasn't fair" Harry finally looking over at me.

I stay quiet as I have been for the better part of the morning.

" The way that you reacted wasn't fair to the man that I've become," he says. 

I look down at my fingers again preparing myself for the words I should have heard months ago.

" I'm no longer that toxic boy you once met. I grew up. But I don't think you have. You still treat me like that nineteen-year-old that was so fucked up. I took care of myself, for my kids, for you, for myself. I don't feel like you're ever going to accept that" Harry says.

I shake my head slightly trying to deny any of his words against me.

" You're never going to accept the man that I am now" he shrugs. " And I'm aware that part of the reason you can't is my fault, because of all the shit I put you through."

I'm trying to say something, but words won't come out. 

" But the more I think about it, you also put me through a lot of shit."

" Harry" I finally whisper out.

" You kept my fucking daughter away from me! I've been blaming everyone else but you! How fucked up is that? You're the one who made the decision to keep her away from me" Harry shakes his head furiously.

I sit there taking in everything that I probably deserve because all of his words are true.

" I missed her being born! I missed the sleepless night with her! I missed out on her first steps and first words! I missed out on being the father she deserved!" he shouts.

Tears are falling down my face as more guilt begins to set in.

" But I tried" I whisper.

" What?" he asks.

" I tried reaching out, so many times!" I tell him.

Harry shakes his head again.

" You didn't try for her. You wanted reached out those times for your own sake, because you wanted me back in your life, not Roy's" he says.

I'm taken back at his words.

" Not once did you try to contact me once Roy was born. You didn't let Jess tell me. Or Louis and Zayn. Or even Cheryl!" he says louder. " You made her lie to me for years! The woman that I love as a mother that took me and Jess in. You involved her in this mess for your own sake!"

" That's not true" I shake my head rapidly.

Harry runs hi fingers hrough his head again, trying to calm himself. The hold Harry would have continued fighting, using even more hurtful words whether they were true or not. Not the grown up one. He says his peace and stops.

" I didn't come here to fight with you," Harry says more calmly. " Or make you cry."

He runs his fingers through his hair again, taking another deep breath. He looks at me with a sparkle in his eyes. A type of sadness I've never seen before.

" I came today to tell you that I'm finally letting you go" his voice cracks. " Because I deserve better."

His words tear right through me. Those are words I've once said to him, I just never knew it hurt this much. 

It brings me back to years ago in that apartment where I was packing up my things after I found out about the deal Harry made with James. The way Harry reacted, it's exactly how I want to react now. I want to cry and shout that he's making the wrong decision, but I can't.

Because maybe he's right. Maybe I'm the problem. Maybe I've become the toxic one now. Maybe I never grew up like I thought I did.

" Still, I don't think you should marry Nathan. Not because of me but because of Roy. We all know it's not going to end well and Roy shouldn't have to be a part of that" Harry tells me.

All I can do is let a tear fall down my cheeks.

" I'm going to go say bye to Roy, and I'll be leaving," he says.

" Okay" I whisper out.

" Okay," he repeats after me taking another couple of seconds looking at me.

Harry turns around grasps the door handle.

" Harry," I say a little louder.

He turns around and I take one last look at him. A tear escapes his eyes once his eyes meet mine. I've hurt him so badly and I haven't seen it until now. That's when I look away. I let him leave. I let him make the right decision. He doesn't deserve to be mixed into my mess.

Once the door is closed, a river of tears escapes my eyes. I let it all out. I take deep breaths in and out trying to focus on something good, trying to recenter myself.

The door opens again and I look over with hope in my heart. Jess walks in and shuts the door behind her.

" So what are we doing?" she asks me.

I wipe my tears away looking at my best friend.

"If you want to walk down that aisle today, great. But if you want to run off in that wedding dress, I'll be driving for you. Whatever you decide, I will stick by you" Jess tells me.

" I love you" I cry reaching out to her.

Jess embraces me tightly.

" I love you Cai" she say.

I pull away after a few seconds and take a deep breath.

" I'm walking down the aisle" I tell her.

" Okay" she shrugs. " Let's fix your makeup."

I'm pushing myself to go through with this. It feels wrong yet I feel like the outcome will make sense. I've been the one messing everything up in my head.

By the time Jess gets me into the hallway with my makeup fixed and everything looking back to normal, my mother is already complaining about how I'm late. I refuse to know what time it is, not wanting to know how late I am.

Roy is running around with the happiest smile on his face

The wedding planner next to me says something into her walkie.

" Are you ready?" Jess asks as she hands me my bouquet.

I nod.

Music begins to play. I watch from a few feet away Roy walk out first in her flower girl dress. I wish I could see her smile walking down that aisle that's she's practiced so many times.

I watch one by one my bridesmaids walk down the aisle with the groomsmen. Jess is still holding my hand as her turn as the maid of honors comes closer. The wedding planner calls for her but Jess looks back at me for reassurance.

I nod with a small smile. We're going through this. Jess nods back and stands in her spot with Nathan's best man. 

The music continues and my insides begin shaking again. I can't move from my spot even with the music still playing. I know I've missed my mark yet I can't seem to move. I look around for any soft of comfort but all I see is the wedding planner's eyes wide open.

The door opens and my anxiety heightens at the reality I'm walking into. But then I realized that from the door walks out Nathan.

" What are you doing?" I ask frantically.

Nathan takes me in looking for any sense of my normal self on my face. But I know it's not there. I look around to see no one else except for my wedding planner walking towards teh end of the hall giving us space.

" Things changed once you came to New York" Nathan says.

" What?" I ask looking back at him.

Nathan takes my hands in his and strokes his thumb against it, just like Jess had done earlier.

" This isn't how I wanted you to spend our wedding day" he tells me.

" What do you mean?" I ask in the same tone looking down at our hands.

" I can see it all over you" he says. " You've been having anxiety attacks."

I look up at him again.

" Hell, you're in the middle of one right now" Nathan grips onto my hands a little tighter.

I shake my head again with tears flooding my sight again.

" It's fine, it'll be fine" I try saying but the cracks in my voice gives me away.

" It hasn't been fine for a while" Nathan tells me.

All I can do is try to breathe.

" And I'm sure there are so many reasons. But I think the biggest one has to do with... someone else" Nathan sighs. " Someone I don't want to compete with."

" You don't have to compete with anyone" I tell him.

" But I have been, for months" Nathan admits.

I look down again with more tears streaming down my cheeks.

" I don't want to be married with you if I still have to compete throughout our marriage" he says.

" We should have never left England" I shake my head slightly.

Everything would have gone so smoothly if we had just stayed in England. I would have made better decisions. I wouldn't have put Roy through all of this. I wouldn't have had Harry in my life again. I wouldn't have been so confused

" Maybe leaving it now instead of much later saved us even more hurting" Nathan whispers as he pulls me closer into him.

Nathan gently places a kiss on the top of my forehead. He hold me for a few seconds. One hand on my lower back and the other on my neck. I savor his comfort because I know I'll never have it again. I'll never have this stability again. I'll never have his calmness again.

" Please don't leave me" I beg him through my whispered voice.