Nathan's smile is what saves me from my anxiety. I've been anxious all day for no reason other than the wedding. Because seeing him smile calm me entirely.

I take my first sip from my champagne watching Nathan greet friends coming into our rehearsal dinner. 

I wish everyone would just arrive at the same time, that way maybe I would have to stand my the door greeting all of them like the wedding planner planned. I want to go laugh and eat, and enjoy my own party. Maybe she saving all of that for tomorrow.

Maybe it's because I'm still waiting for Roy to arrive that I've been able to endure it so far. I keep looking for her beautiful blonde hair to come out through the crowd.

But it's Lia's blonde hair that I see instead. I'm glad Zayn was able to convince her to come. I want to have her around. She makes Zayn happier than he's been in years. Having her around means that Roy will get to have more time with her brother. Having her around me gives me a sense of peace not everything we went through has now passed. Those hurt feelings that lingered between us for years is now gone

Louis arrives not long after with Stella by his side. I offer them champagne as a waiter walks by and Louis gladly takes a glass. Yet Stella declines, something she's never done before. I glance between them as I begin to squint my eyes. Louis shushes me as Stella lets out a giggle. I promise them to keep their secret as long as they promise to keep Zayn and Harry away from each other. They gladly agree.

I look behind me to see my friends on the other side of the party. Not much mixing which makes me feel like it's unbalanced.

It isn't like how I had always imagined. I dreamed of everyone coming together so naturally. Like they had already known each other. Maybe because in my dream, Harry was the one beside me instead. We had the same friends and circle.

" Hey"

I look up to see Nathan grinning down at me.

" You okay?" he asks.

" Yeah" I smile with my tongue against my front teeth almost sticking my tongue at him.

Nathan pull me into him and presses his lips against my forehead. He knows I'm anxious. Maybe he is too, even if it's only a little.

The short red curly hair catches my attention behind some of Nathan's friends. I quickly excuse myself before running passed them. Within a couple of feet away, her eyes are already on me. 

" Cailin" Cheryl smiles before I wrap my arms around her.

Her hug her comforting and warm, one that I've grown to love and charish so much. One that I wish my own mother and I still had.  Cheryl gives me one more tight squeeze before letting me go.

" You look so beautiful" she says running her fingers towards the edges of my hair.

" Thank you" I tilt my head with tears threatening to form.

" Are you happy?" she asks.

We've talked about this day so much, yet I never expected her to ask me this question today.

" Of course" my smile widens at her.

She reaches over and gives me a kiss on the cheek. I point over to Louis and Stella making sure she knows where her table is. Before I can excuse myself from Nathan and follow Cheryl, I see the blonde hair I've been looking for this entire time.

Roy walks in holding Harry's hand. Her smile is almost bright enough for me not to see Jess walking in right behind them with Kian holding her hand. It was Jess' idea to have the kids get ready at her place, which obviously meant having Harry there as well.

Harry walks in looking down at her. He runs his finger through his hair as he glances around at the other people around them. He has a protective look to his eyes when he catches unfamiliar people looking at them. He holds onto Roy's hand firmly, also looking back at Kian making sure he was still with Jess.

" Momma!" Roy yells.

Harry's eyes softens as he see's me. He lets go of Roy and she runs towards me. She crashes into me with Harry letting out a smile. I bend down holding onto my little girl, taking in every part of her.

I pull away to look at her all dressed up but it's a giggle that escapes my lips once I look at her hair.

" What happened to your hair?" I smile as touch the bumps of hair near her pigtails.

I look over to see Harry avoiding my eyes with an embarrassed smile on the his lips. 

" My dad did my hair" Roy smiles proudly.

" She refused that I touch her hair" Jess rolls her eyes with a smiles. " She said she wanted her dad to do her hair."

Roy twirls happily showing me her hair. Little does she realize how the back looks. Another laughs escapes my lips before I look at Harry again. This time his eyes are on me.

" Don't laugh" he chuckles. " I can't help that it was my first time trying to do her hair."

" I will always make you remember this"  I tease him.

"Don't you love it, momma?" Roy asks.

" Yes, I do" I kiss her cheek. 

Roy gives me another hug before running off with Kian. Jess runs after them almost tripping over her heels.

" I'm sorry about that" Harry says. " I'm sure she'll let you fix it."

" No" I shake my head. " She looks really happy with what you did."

" You look really beautiful" Harry says in a more quieter tone, not wanting anyone to overhear his words.

" Thank you" I say looking down at my dress.

There's a silence that takes over. It's not awkward but it's not peaceful either. It's the words that want to come out but our hearts that won't let it. The friendship that we've built is too delicate.

But it's his eyes that hold onto the silence. His gaze stays on me. It makes me think it could be confusion, maybe even sadness. But his slight smile that holds down my worry. The sparkle in his eyes make me look away.

" I should go" I whisper.

" Okay" he nods.

" The bar is across the other side" I tell him.

" I'll be avoiding that tonight" he painfully chuckles.

" Okay" I say.

The rehearsal dinner continues to fill in with guest, almolst half of the people invited for the wedding tomorrow. I know I should be stressing about my dress, and the guests, and maybe even the flowers, I'm not. 

Instead my eyes keep gazing over at Harry. I'm waiting for something to happen. I'm waiting for him to do something. 

" I never thought you would end up telling him"

I look over to see my mother standing next to me with a glass of champagne in her hands. She hands me the other one from her right hand. I follow her eyes to see her watching Harry walk across the room.

" Why?" I ask her taking the glass from her.

" Pride maybe?" she shrugs.

My mother never understood any of my decisions. She never understood why I wanted to disappear for those years, and I didn't give her any reason to. I held onto the horrible reality of the end of Harry and I's relationship from anyone who didn't need to know. Because maybe if she did know, her feelings towards Roy might change.

" It was never about pride" I shake my head. " I was always going to tell him. It just never ended up being the right time before now."

She nods her head in agreement as she takes a sip from her champagne glass.

" It looks like Roy gets along with him pretty well" she says.

Harry's sitting on the chair while Roly stands in front of him. I think he's teaching her how to play rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Everytime she loses she sticks her tongue at him with a smirk on her lips. He ends up doing the same every time he loses, making her feel better I assume.

" He's become her favorite person" I say.

Roy grabs his hand and drags him out of his seat. She takes him straight to the dance floor. Instead of denying her like he used to do to me out of embarrassment, he gladly accepts her request. 

He take her hands and helps her jump onto his shoes. Her smile becomes brighter as he guides her to the music. It's a sweet moment I hope I'll never forget.

" Cailin"

" What?" I ask still watching Roy with Harry.

" Nathan wants to make a toast"

I look over to see my wedding planner rushing me over towards my table. Strangly, it's pain I feel at the thought of ending Harry and Roy's dance.

" Can they just finish the song?" I ask as I follow her.

" Sure" she shrugs off.

But she doesn't letg it finish. Harry and Roy get cut off by the music stopped and the wedding planner saying something I'm nt paying attention to. Roy pouts as Harry walks her off the dance floor. Harry takes a seat at his table with Louis and Cheryl. Roy sits on Harry's lap instead of sitting at our table.

It makes me wish I was with them too.

" Thank you all for coming tonight"

I look up to see Nathan standing up with a glass of champagne in his hand.

" We are very excited to the day tomorrow and how a happy day it will truly be" Nathan smiles down at me.

Nathan reaches over and places my hand in his.

" I'm happy to have both of our lives together in one room tonight. It's the beginning of a beautiful life together, for the rest of our lives. I can't imagine marrying anyone else tomorrow" He smiles.

I give his hand a light squeeze making him look down at me.

" You took my calm and tranquile life and brought so much love and excitement into it. I never realized how much I needed it before you, my love. I can't imagine waiting for anyone else up at the alter" he says. 

Nathan leans down and kisses me on the lips causing a round of cheers to erupt from the crowd. My smile stays plastered on my lips as Nathan continues with his beautiful. A tear escapes my eyes as he talks about Roy and the light it's brought into his life, a special place in his heart.

I glance around to see everyone listening to Nathan. All but one.

Harry's eyes are on me. He doesn't look away even when I look back at him. No longer do I see the sparkle in his eyes that was there earlier with Roy. WIth Roy in his arms, he looks at me with sadness. Loss.

It's the cheering and applause that helps me swallow my tears away. Nathan pulls me up by surprise and places a kiss on me as everyone cheers.

All but one.

What am I doing?