-flashback-

I can hardly breathe. The baby keeps pushing up against my lungs and my blatter. I walk out of the bathroom to see Jess sitting on the couch grinning in amusement.

" It's not fair to laugh at a pregnant woman" I remind her.

" Please remind me of this when I get baby fever" she laughs.

I plop down next to her letting out a breath.

" Never, I can't wait to laugh right back at you" I playfully glare at her.

Jess presses play on the remote for the third time while trying to watch this movie. But every time the baby presses upon my bladder I have no choice. I'm counting down to the day she comes into the world. Yet I'm terrified at the same time.

My phone dings. I ignore it. Jess's phone dings too. She glances at it quickly but puts her phone away. My phone dings again.

" Ignore it," Jess says quietly.

It's weird but I listen to her. Her phone dings again too and she doesn't move. Her focus stays on the animated movie in front of us. It's when my phone dings again that I reach for my phone.

" Please don't" Jess pleads.

" What's going on?" I ask as I put in my pin for my phone. It's notifications from Instagram and Twitter. I know I haven't been actively posting but I scroll through sometimes when it gets too quiet.

Jess stays silent as I open up the Instagram app. I'm tagged so many times on a single post. I tap on the post to see that it's Lia's post.

On the picture are her and Harry, holding a baby in her arms. Their baby. Kian James Styles is his name. The baby looks so loved by both of them. Lia's smile is warm and loving with her hands wrapped around the boy.

Harry has his fingers gently wrapped around the baby's leg with a wide smile across his lips, almost like he's laughing. A joyous moment between the three of them. He looks so happy to have his son with him. My heart swells and tears build up in my eyes

" Why didn't you tell me?" I turn to Jess.

" I didn't think it would do you any good" Jess says looking down at her feet.

" That's not your decision" I shake my head with tears falling down to my cheeks.

I look back at the picture and more tears stream down my cheeks. They look perfect. He looks so happy. Would he have been just as happy with our baby? Would he love her just as much?

With my phone in my lap, I continue to cry with my body shaking. I will never have what Lia is having at this moment. She has him. She has a father for her child. She has someone who will support her. She has someone who cares about her.

" I'm sorry," Jess says as she scoots closer towards me.

I cry into her lap hoping the pain would stop. But that's when sharp cramping pain begins.

" Fuck" I cry holding onto my belly.

" What is it?" Jess asks.

" I think I just got a contraction" I continue to cry.

" Holy shit!" Jess jumps up.

Jess runs into the other room only to come back with my hospital bag. She grabs her keys off the dinner table and looks at me. I'm still on the couch holding on to myself with tears running down my face.

" Let's go Cailin" she says.

" No" I shake my head.

" What do you mean 'no'?"

" I can't do this by myself, Jess. I'm not ready" I cry more.

Jess sighs letting the bag fall to the floor. " Yes you can"

I shake my head holding onto myself. My water breaks and the water leaks through my clothes. But I don't move. I'm paralyzed.

" Liam!" Jess shouts. She begins pacing around the room, never taking her eyes off of me.

I hear footsteps running down the stairs. 

" What's going on?!"

Jess points to me. Liam rushes over to my side. Tears continue to stream down my face as fear grows inside me. What was I thinking? I can't do this. I can't be a mom. I can't do this alone. I'll never be good enough.

" She refuses to go to the hospital," Jess says. Liam sighs.

" We have to go Cai" he nods.

I shake my head unable to speak.

" You're going to give birth to a beautiful baby girl. But she needs you to be strong right now. Push through this fear" he says.

" I can't do this, Liam" I shake my head. " I was wrong. I thought I could do it alone, without him. But I can't."

" You're not alone. You'll never be alone" Liam says.

Another sharp pain erupts causing a yelp to escape my lips. Liam immediately places his arm under me. I try to push him off but he refuses. As he carries me off the couch, Jess directs him out of my new home. They make their way to the car as my tears soak Liam's shirt. My body is paralyzed and I'm unable to fight.

All I can do is cry. Because all I feel is pain. Not physical, not too much. But all in my heart.

This isn't what I wanted. This isn't what I envisioned

Liam drives us to the hospital and my tears don't stop. My cries don't go silent.

" What made her so upset? She was so excited earlier" Liam says from the passenger's seat.

" She saw the post" Jess shakes her head with her eyes glued to the rode.

Liam groans before taking a look back at me.

I don't know how long it takes before we make it to the hospital, but the contractions have come on more often causing more pain and tears. Jess runs out of the car and into the hospital while Liam tries to get me out of the car from the backseat. But I push him this time. I'm not ready. I need him.

Everything hurts.

I open my eyes again and nurses are grasping on to me. I try to yell but nothing comes out. They place me onto a gurney and I've lost all fight. All I can do is cry. They take me up to a room and place me on a bed. Liam holds my hand, but it's not his I want. Not his I need.

" Call him" I whisper through my tears.

Another contraction.

" Cailin" Liam slowly shakes his head. Jess stands on the other side of me biting onto her lips.

" Please call him!" I beg with tears running down my cheeks.

Jess nods.

I watch her, in the corner of the room with her cell phone attached to her ear. He doesn't answer. She brings the phone up to her ear again. It takes a while before I see her lips move. I can hardly hear her through the nurses.

" Please call me back Harry. It's important" she says. 

He didn't answer. He'll never answer.