Chapter 16 - " do you love me?"

For the first time since moving back to New York, I decided to have a dinner party at my apartment. Jess helped me plan everything from decorations down to the guests. I was excited. I was going to be able to see some of my friends from New York that I hadn't seen in a while.

Chloe had taken Roy to my mother's home a couple of hours away. My relationship with my mother over the years was somewhat existent. We talked every couple of weeks but never too much. She had met Roy maybe a handful of times. I wished I had a better relationship with her. I hoped that my relationship with Roy would never become what it is with my mother. I never want to lose Roy like my mother lost me.

As my guests started to arrive, I began to become more and more anxious. Probably because f all the people that I had invited. The guest list included. Louis, Stella, Zayn, Niall, Liam and even Harry. Nathan was here too. Nathan had already met all of them, but never everyone in the same room. Maybe I was scared that someone would say the wrong thing.

Then there was Harry and Zayn being in the same room. To be fair, I had warned both of them about them being here, together. But still, it was nerve wracking. 

When Louis and Stella arrived, all we talked about was their upcoming wedding this upcoming weekend. 

" are you nervous?" I asked Stella as Louis went to go talk to Liam.

" am I horrible if I say yes?" she said as she nervously looked around her surroundings making sure no one was listening to our conversation.

" what do you mean?" I asked.

" I love Louis more than anyone else in this world, but that's what scares me. I don't want to ever lose him, Cailin" Stella explained to me.

" you won't ever lose him, Stella" I assured her.

Most of all of my guests had arrived, all but Harry. In a way, it was a sort of relief. I wouldn't be at the edge my seat knowing he wasn't here. Over the past few days, we had been talking but we were still trying to figure out a way to make this friendship work, all for Roy.

" there the princess is" I heard from behind me.

I turned around to see Zayn walking towards me. A smile widen on my face as I embraced him. It had been so long since I last saw him, maybe even a year. Ever since he had started acting, he'd been to busy with all the scheduling. I didn't get to see him as much as I wanted. I missed having him around as much as it used to be when we were all in All Oblivion. I missed the goofiness that happened between us.

" how have you been?" I asked as we walked out onto my balcony.

Zayn shut the sliding door behind us for a little privacy. Even though we goofed a lot around each other, we had grown a tradition where we no matter how much time goes by with us not talking to each other, we always needed a moment of catching up with each other.

" really busy, I have about 3 movies coming out this year, so that means a lot of press conferences and interviews" Zayn went on.

" that sounds exciting! Does that include the one with... Lia James?" I asked.

Zayn sighed knowing exactly where I was leading. Instead of saying anything, he stayed quiet. 

" how could you do this, Zayn? To Harry. one of your best friends? They have a child together! Lia is his wife!" I said shaking my head at him.

" was his wife! They're not together anymore" Zayn corrected me.

" you're still seeing her?!" I shouted.

I looked through my glass windows hoping no one heard, and due to the loud music no one even flinched. 

" it's not what you think it is Cailin. It's not just us having sex and having fun. I'm in love with her, Cailin" he explained.

I looked at him, trying to see if he was just making this up, but he wasn't. He looked somewhat distressed. This whole situation was messing with his head.

" you think that I don't feel like an ass? I lost one of my best friends because of what I did. I ruined everything. But I can't help but love that girl. You know how sweet and forgiving Lia is. After working with her every day straight with no bullshit distractions, I got to know her even better. She's what I needed, especially after Willow" Zayn said.

I knew that Zayn had had a hard time moving on from Willow. She was always on his mind. The fact that he just said he was in love with Lia was huge for him. I couldn't help but feel a little happy for him.

" what about Harry?" I asked thinking about how much he must have felt betrayed.

" she deserved more, Cailin. She deserves a man who really loves her and actually wants to be with her rather than pining for a another girl" Zayn shook his head.

I shook my head but stayed quiet.

" the fact that he slept with you even after he already knew about Lia's pregnancy speaks a lot about the whole situation" Zayn continued.

Even after all these years, remembering that moment when Harry told me about Lia, it hurt. It hurt because it made me feel used in a way. He had all the control in that situation yet he chose to make another mistake.

But the fact that Roy came out of that mistake made me feel a little better, somehow.

" he knows about Roy..." I admitted.

Zayn looked surprised. I don't think he ever expected me to actually tell Harry the truth. He never thought I'd have the courage to do so.

" I want Roy to have a father. After seeing how Harry is with Kian, I want that for Roy" I confessed 

Zayn didn't say anything, instead he looked down at his feet, as if he was biting his tongue so he wouldn't say the wrong thing.

" spit it out, Zayn" I begged.

" I don't want you to get hurt like last time" he said.

" it's different this time. This time it isn't about us, I'm engaged to Nathan. This is about Roy" I said.

" It's always about two, always about Cailin and Harry" Zayn continued.

A couple of hours later, one by one people started to leave my dinner party. Even Nathan had to leave to catch a flight to Maine. It had been fun seeing so many of my close friends altogether in the same room. So many of them had visited me in England, but all separately. It was also interesting because we all mostly talked about Louis and Stella's wedding this upcoming weekend.

 I started cleaning up the living room when I heard a knock at the door. Immediately I grabbed Zayn's jacket off the counter knowing he'd come back for it.

" you always leave thing laying around, Zayn" I smiled as I opened the door.

I looked up and saw that it wasn't Zayn at all. 

It was Harry.

" Hi" I said in a quiet tone.

" I told you I'd come" he responded.

" a bit late, don't you think?" I half smiled before letting him walk into my apartment.

As I looked at him, I noticed that he was dressed up more than usual. I was used to seeing him wearing a pair of jeans and a T-shirts lately, so seeing him in dress pants and a dress shirt was surprising.

I closed my door behind me and walked towards the living room with him.

" I didn't really feel like chatting with all of them" he confessed.

" you do realize they're most of your friends as well, right?" I smiled.

" not anymore, at least not anymore" Harry said.

" do you want anything to drink?" I asked knowing he didn't want to get too much into that topic.

He settled on a beer. Grabbing one for him, I grabbed one for myself as well. As we both sat on the couch on opposite ends of the living room, Harry grabbed one of my guitars that was leaning against the wall.

" is this the one?" he asked as he played a string.

" yeah" I smiled at the memory.

That was the acoustic guitar that Harry ad bought for me as a surprise. We were on tour somewhere in Chicago when we had stopped to walk around the city. We had all walked into a music store, when I saw that guitar on the wall. After talking to the store owner, I had found out that that guitar had belonged to Janet Robin. 

Janet Robin was an artist that I had heard throughout my childhood because my dad was always play her songs in the car. When the owner told me that it had belonged to her, I knew I had to have it. But the man refused to sell it to me, saying that it was part of his collection, and he wouldn't sell it to anyone. It was just there for show.

I was devastated.

Later that night, during our concert, Harry walked out on stage with that same guitar surprising me. I was speechless as he handed it over to me. He knew how important it was to me, because of my dad.

That was a memory that I would never let anyone destroy. It was a moment where I saw the real Harry. The thoughtful Harry. The Harry that I had fallen in love with.

" I started writing a song the other night" Harry said as he started to play some chords on the guitar.

I stay quiet as I listened to the first couple of chords. They were slow and soft. Then he started quietly singing out some of the lyrics.

"  I find myself at your door,
Just like all those times before,
I'm not sure how I got there,
All roads—they lead me here.

I imagine you are home,
In your room, all alone,
And you open your eyes into mine,
And everything feels better,
 "

He stopped singing but continued playing the exact same chords. For some reason, lyrics started popping up in my head also immediately. It reminded me of the songs we used to write together all those years ago. Our lyrics together came out so naturally. So my lyrics came through my lips without me being able to stop it.

"You find yourself at my door,
Just like all those times before,
You wear your best apology,
But I was there to watch you leave,

And all the times I let you in,
Just for you to go again,
Disappear when you come back,
Everything is better. "

As those lyrics escaped my lips, Harry's eyes never left mine. It was intense. The lyrics were intense. The emotional passing through us were intense. The light in his eyes were intense. For a moment, nothing in the world couldn't interrupt us in this moment. It was a mixture of reminiscence along with the unknowing in some level.

Harry cleared his throat and put the guitar down.

" you haven't lost touch with your writing" he said.

"ditto" I responded with a short smile.

I looked down at our empty drink and then glanced up at the clock. It was almost 2 in the morning already.

" it's getting late" I said.

" you're right" Harry said as he picked himself off the couch.

I quickly followed. We slowly walked towards the door in silence. But before I could open the door for him to leave I stopped him.

" can we really do this?" I asked.

He looked at me with a slightly confused expression.

" have somewhat of a friendship for Roy's sake? To be good parents for her?" I asked him desperately needing an answer.

For a minute he stood silent, as he he was searching for the right words to say back.

" I hope so. I need Roy in my life. I need you in my life" he said in a quiet tone.

In that moment, I couldn't breathe anymore. My heart stopped at his words. My mind raced as I stared into his green eyes not knowing how to react or say back.

My eyes followed his hand cup my cheek and pull me closer towards him. I didn't stop him. I couldn't stop him. His lips brushed mine and my heart picked up its paced. Beating much faster that usual. His lips crashed onto mine and nothing else mattered.

My hands went to his neck pulling him closer to me, if possible. His hands went to my waist holding me tight, pushing me towards the wall behind me. My need for him only grew the more he kissed me. His lips went down my neck and I whimpered at the touch.

Everything was hot. Our breathing was heavy. The passion was there. 

The most we kissed the more we wanted each other, it seemed. This moment felt like desperation. We hadn't had a moment like this in so long. So long that I don't know how we had lasted.

This desperation reminded me of the last time this happened. The night the Roy was conceived. The night that Harry told me about Lia's pregnancy. The night that Harry decided to shut me out of his life.

Then Nathan came to mind.

I pushed Harry off of me and tears started to flood my eyes. Harry seemed somewhat shocked that I stopped. Memories of all the horrible things we had gone through flooded my mind and tears started to stream down my face.

" Cailin..." Harry whispered as his hand began to tough my arm.

But I quickly yanked it away.

" don't touch me!" I shouted.

Harry stared at my confused out of his mind.

" we can't do this, Harry! I can't do this! I have a life outside of you now! Nathan is my fiance, I'm going to marry him! I have Roy to think about, I won't drag her into our mess even if she is your daughter" I cried.

He looked down at my tears and felt my pain. 

" I moved away to move on from you. So having you back into my life has been extremely hard for me. You can't kiss me" I shook my head.

" but do you still love me?" Harry asked as he raised my chin up to look at him.

" I can't" I cried.

" do you love me?" he continued.

I stared at him knowing my answer but trying not to say it aloud. Saying it aloud could ruin the entire life I had built up these last five years. The amount of steps I had taken in order to become a stronger person would be shattered at my answer.

" no" I lied.


~

 Finally a new chapter! I apologize for how long it took me to update this story! A lot of good stuff has been happening to me so I'm just really happy and busy right now. But don't worry I haven't forgotten about you all!

 The song Harry and Cailin were singing is in no way my song! This is the song:


https://youtu.be/0sIUvyALMcA

Again I want to thank all my readers, old and new, you are all really special to me! I read all of your comments religiously lol

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