Chaeyoung tried her best to hold it in when it hit her. The feeling that had come together with that one thought that started off with 'What if'. It had a constant pattern of to and fro her mind. She never would have thought that it would attack her when she finally let herself lost in that one room of emotion she had refused to get inside for a while.

Of all times, why would it invade her when she finally put her true feelings on the table for Jungkook to see and feel?

Chaeyoung tried her very best to hold the tears that threatened to escape her and she did well. They were locked so well that when Jungkook made love to her, there was not one tear succeed to sneak out.

It was after they made love, when Jungkook was catching his breath on top of her while holding his weight with his arms so that he wouldn't crush her, it was at that time when the stupid tears fell caused by that stupid feeling that was led on by that stupid thought. She forced herself to stop but she couldn't and the more force she put, the more pathetic her crying sound became.

Her sniffle was, of course, heard by Jungkook and he slowly lifted off his head and stared down at her.

"Chaeyoung?" he asked, voice a little hoarse as though he hadn't spoken for a long time when he was the one who'd been using his voice during their passionate session of intimacy to tell her of how much he loved her in the loveliest, softest way possible. "Did I hurt you, baby?" he asked worriedly, wiping her damped cheeks.

Chaeyoung couldn't utter even one word when he asked that. Because he didn't hurt her. Not him. Not at all him. Chaeyoung shook her head slowly, turning her head on the pillow to look away from him because the more time she spent on staring at him, the tighter her chest felt.

"Then why are you crying?" he gently asked, still trying to wipe away the tears.

I'm scared. She shook her head again, covering her face with one hand.

"What's the matter?" Jungkook brushed a few strands stuck on her wet cheek. "Tell me."

Her lips trembled and she knew it was one painful thing to hear but the words came out like fluid after she choked on her sob. "Please get off me."

He went still. Chaeyoung would have waited for him to move on his own but she hated herself when she pushed him, similar to how she pushed him away all this time albeit this was a softer push. She moved farther to the other side of the bed, went under the duvet and pulled it up to her chest and let the back of her head take the view of him on behind her.

Jungkook shifted slightly on the bed, probably getting into a more comfortable position or preparing himself to leave, which, despite everything she had on her mind, she wished for him not to leave. There was one long, deep sigh from him and in a low voice, he asked, "What did I do?"

Nothing, her mind answered quietly.

Silence again as she used the pillow to absorb the tears leaking.

"Did you... did you regret that?"

She closed her eyes tight. A big part of her did not and would never regret it. But existed inside of her, there was a little part that was making her regret it for what might come.

"I guess... maybe you shouldn't have done it. I'm sorry," he said, disappointment and sadness wrapping around his voice. She waited for a few while, perhaps he'd say more things but he didn't. Instead, her silence was met with his own.

His voice saying sorry was a constant repeat on her mind. And that pained her a lot, because the person who should be saying it was her, not him. Yet, she chose to mute herself.

*

Jungkook stared at the ceiling before he switched off the lights. He wanted to get away from there, because the moment she pushed him one last time, it was just showing how he didn't belong there. But because this would be his one last chance, he decided to stay unless she asked him to leave at that moment. A tiny little part of him was hoping that this one last chance would be like the rest of the previous one last chance, they never ended up being last.

He wanted to move closer to her, but she was already at the very end of the side she was on, as though if she was an inch closer things would go wrong. If he was to make a move, she would have either fell of the bed or she would storm out of the room. The feeling of being unwanted would be more painful to bear if that was the case.

So for that night, he stayed on the bed. Sleeping with his heart shattered to pieces, and pieces to ashes.

*

"Do me a favor, will you?" Jungkook said to her.

Chaeyoung remained silent, but she was all ears because she knew he would say it anyway.

"For only tonight, just this one night, think of only me and not anyone else. After this night ends, you can take me off your mind. After this night ends, I want you to know that it's okay to tell me in person that perhaps, I should no longer stick around. But just for tonight, please make me think that I didn't lose you to him."

Chaeyoung looked down at her feet, stood on her ground, water began to well in her eyes.

"Just until midnight," he begged.

She bit hard on her lip, lowered her head even more.

She listened to him inhaling softly and she could see his shadow nodding weakly at her response. And her chest hurt the most when he let out a soft, weak, sad chuckle before he said, "This is goodbye, then."

When she lifted her head up, it was too late. Because Jungkook had walked so fast, and he didn't even look back. He walked away, straight out of her house and she ran after him, calling his name multiple times but none of those times earned her one single look or even a single pause in his step. He went even faster than before and she realized she was running so fast, trying to grab a hold of his hand or his shirt but he was out of reach. No matter how fast she ran, late would always mean late.

"Jungkook!" she yelled, out of breath and out of energy. "Don't leave. Please don't leave. Don't leave me again." But even when he could hear her, even when she could easily find him and tell him everything, it was all too late.

Jungkook made up his mind, because she simply couldn't make her own.

He was gone and a thousand drops of regret tears would never be able to make him come back to her.

She shut her eyes and cried and called his name weakly in her mind, because she could find her voice no more. Jungkook... Jungkook... Jungkook...

"Jungkook!"

Chaeyoung's eyes shot open at her own voice, jolted into a sitting position and her skin was covered in sweats. Her breath came out raggedly and she could hear her own heart pumping blood, as though she was under the water. She looked at her surrounding and realized that she was in her room and on her bed.

Her eyes widened, and in an instant, she looked to the other side of the bed.

It felt like getting out of water, finally being able to take in some air and breathed a bit calmer when she saw Jungkook sleeping beside her.

He was still there, he was not gone, he didn't leave her. He hadn't left her.

Chaeyoung wiped her face with her palms and slowly, she lied close next to him, taking his arm that was resting on his stomach and used it to wrap around her as she hugged him tight. She tilted her head a bit to place a kiss on the corner of his mouth before she kissed him softly on his lips and let it lingered for a moment. She placed her head on his shoulder as careful as she could, an arm around his torso and a leg hugging his. That dream was enough to scare her; she didn't want him to leave for real.

It took her around two hours to finally fall back into sleep and when she woke up in the morning, it was already bright outside, and she scrunched her face, arms stretched weakly before she flimsily moved her hand around, trying to feel the supposed warmness underneath her. All she could feel was the coldness of her own mattress and pillow, her fingers tangled into the sheets here and there and her heart made an unpleasant flip, uneasiness settling in the pit of her stomach.

Slowly, her eyes fluttered open and she realized that she was alone on the bed. "Jungkook?" No answer. She sat up and turned her head around weakly. Called his name a bit louder, but there was no answer. She slid off the bed and walked towards the bathroom to get a robe to cover her body. In every part of the house, she couldn't find Jungkook anywhere.

She looked for her phone and tried to reach him, but he wouldn't pick up. After multiple attempts, she finally stopped and phoned Jennie instead.

"Jennie..." she croaked.

There was a short silence before Jennie rushed to ask, "You okay?"

She sat on the couch and brought her knees to her chest. "No. I'm not okay. I screwed up, Jen. I screwed up big time."

"Why? What happened? What are you talking about?"

"I'm the stupidest person alive, do you know that? There was a man who had shown me how much he loved me and cared for me, and I'm here always, never failing at screwing things up."

"Can you tell me what the hell are you talking about, Chaeyoung? What did you do to Jungkook?"

Chaeyoung put her head down on her knees. "I kept on pushing him away from me. And now he's... he's really gone. He left me. He's had enough of me." She was crying again. She couldn't count how many times in a few days had she cried.

"Didn't you tell me that you two are on good terms now? And that... that you guys are slowly getting back together? Things are going smooth. You said so yourself. You admitted to me that you care for him a lot. So, why would you push him when you wanted to be with him?" Jennie sounded confused and exasperated.

"Because –"

The door to her house opened and Chaeyoung's breath caught in her throat when she turned and saw Jungkook walking in with a plastic bag filled with fruits, she noticed.

"Because...?"

Chaeyoung put her phone down, disconnected the call and stood up immediately. "Where were you?" She didn't intend to make it sound demanding but it did come out that way.

Jungkook looked a little startled, halting in his steps and gazed up at her with his big eyes widening slightly. "I..." he paused, seeming to be confused with how she was reacting. "I promised Hoseok to send the books early in the morning. I just came back from his place."

"I called your phone but you didn't answer."

His forehead slightly creased as he fished for his phone in his pocket. "Oh, right. I forgot. I actually put it in silent mode."

She nibbled on her bottom lip, not knowing what to say next even though everything she wanted to say to him for clarity was all over the place in her mind and she thought they were all ready to flow out of her.

Jungkook cleared his throat and hesitantly lifted the plastic bag in his hand. "I bought some fruits for you. Have you had your breakfast?"

"No," she muttered with a soft shake of her head. "No I haven't."

"I'll make breakfast for you. Would you like omelet or something else? Maybe toasts? Cereal?"

"It's fine. I'll make them myself."

He nodded lightly. "Okay... Um, well, I'll prepare these then. I got bananas, strawberries, apples –"

"It's okay. I'll have them later. Just put them away."

"Okay, I'll put some of these in the fridge."

"No," she accidentally snapped. "Just – just put them on the countertop."

Jungkook gave her a long stare, and she could see how she had disappointed him again. He probably thought that she didn't even want him there, and she had a hunch that she was right based on how he responded and the hurt on his face.

With soft nod, his feet slowly stepped backwards after placing the plastic bag on the kitchen counter. He didn't look at her when he said, "I'm... I'm gonna go. Make sure you eat them all."

Even when she saw him turning on his heel, his shoulders slumped as he took slow, sad steps towards the main door, her mouth released only air and no words came with them. It was only a few steps away for him to reach the main door, only a few seconds away for him to open it and bring himself out and probably never come again in the future that her voice finally made through.

"Jungkook!"

Jungkook stopped in his track, but his head remained lowered as though he had no power left in him to command his head to be lifted. It was all her fault and she knew it very well. All the mixed signals she gave him were what caused this to happen.

"Jungkook..." she called, softer this time. "I got something to say."

It took him a while to finally turned around and lift his head to face her. When he did, the sadness displayed on his countenance tugged at her heart.

"About last night?"

She pressed her lips together, as though it would prevent her from choking up as she nodded her head. "About last night, about you, me, about a lot of things, about everything."

He tilted his head upwards, looking at the ceiling for a long time as he breathed in deep before he released them heavily. It looked like he was readying himself for whatever it was that she was about to say, and it seemed as though he had thought of it in his mind for countless times.

Chaeyoung, too, breathed in deep and released one long sigh before she began. "A lot of times, you've shown me nothing but the truth of your feelings for me. From the very start. From the very first time we know each other, you were so clear with what you want with me. But... I keep disappointing you, over and over again. I disappointed you a lot of times and along with it, I disappointed myself as well. I'm well aware of how I keep pushing you away. Every time there was a chance for us to be one again, I would push you. Even when I wanted you so bad, when I craved to be with you again, when I wanted to get back together like before, I couldn't do it. I had to push you. Because every time that happened, I would get scared."

Jungkook's eyes were cloudy and his brows were furrowed deeply as he asked, "What scares you?"

She rubbed her eyes roughly with her fingers before she said with a shaky voice, "Losing you."

She watched as he swallowed, his jaw clenched and they both stared at each other for long seconds. "That's never going to happen, you should have known that."

Her lips trembled as she shook her head vigorously. "You don't understand."

"Then make me understand."

She didn't begin straightaway, taking the time to continuously wipe her face, her teary eyes, her red nose and wet cheeks. "If I let you in my life again, it means I would have to face the fear of losing you. Do you know how terrible that feeling is?"

He was silent, his furrowed brows were back and his body went still with his eyes gazing into her soul.

"When we broke up, Jungkook... it broke me, so much. Sure, of course, some people would think that I was doing okay with the way I handled things, but what do people know? When your heart breaks, it doesn't make a sound that can be heard by other people. Only you can hear it. Only you can feel it. The fear of losing you became reality, and I just can't put it into words of how horrible it felt to know that I have lost you for real. Facing that fear at every single second of being with you was already an awful experience to me. So the pain doubled the second I lost you in my life."

She felt her feet numb for standing in the same position for so long, but she couldn't bring herself to move, else she would fall. Her heartbeat hadn't slowed down from the moment she began to pour her heart out to him.

"When the chance came for us to get back together, I'd get reminded of my fear. That's what happened last night," she choked. "I forgot about it. Completely. But it was after I felt like giving in to my true feelings that the fear came to me. If you're mine again, there's a possibility that I will lose you again, it means that I have to face the fear for the second time and I don't know if I would be able to make it. You asked me last night if I regretted it. A very huge part of me did not regret it one bit. In fact, I would never in my life regret it. But there was that small part in me that made me feel like I should regret it, because of my fear."

She looked down for one second and took a breath briefly. When she looked up to see him, it was clear how he was piecing things together in his head.

"But you know what? If I don't have you, it's like, my entire life is incomplete. A huge part of me is missing. Living my daily life without you seemed normal, but it's not. It's like when you do something and it seemed okay but you know deep down in your heart, there is something wrong. There's something wrong but you don't know what is. It's like not being able to get even the smallest happiness as a whole. It's even worse when all the chances are there on the table for me, but I choose to walk away with none taken."

"When you asked me if you hurt me, I really hated myself, because I was the one who would hurt you. And I really did. From the way you reacted, I know I hurt you so bad. And then I had this one dream of you leaving me and I got so scared and panicked. When I saw you still sleeping beside me, I was relieved. But it was very fleeting, because the moment I wake up to no one, I realized that it was really the final straw for you. That you've had enough of my shit. That it's really the time for you to leave. And I hate myself so much, I got so upset and disappointed with myself. Because I realized that it's all too late for me. I don't know why I'm taking the longest time to deal with my indecisive self. It took me too long to realize that no matter what I do, I can never run away from my fear. The only way to deal with that fear... is to face it and embrace it."

Her tears were like rainfall as she said, "It took me a lifetime to realize that to face the fear is better because I could be with you, and that I should work on how I can be with you forever instead of not having you at all, and live an incomplete life for the rest of my life. I realized that the second option would bring me the biggest regret and I would be the liar of the century for not being true to myself, especially." Her chest was about to explode from the pressure. "But I know that... it's all too late now."

She couldn't see him clearly with all the water in her eyes but she could see how he was looking away from her.

"It's too late but I would regret this all my life if I drop this chance as well. All I wanted to tell you is how sorry I am for being a disappointment, for all my attempts at pushing you away, for sending you mixed signals instead of being clear with my feelings, and for not admitting of how badly I want to be with you again because I just can't stop being in love with you."

It was only silence for one good minute, and she took that time to cover her face with her hands and for one second, she wanted to drop her hands and open her eyes to Jungkook already a breath away from her. For one second, she wanted him to take her into his arms like how he would always do and kiss the worry and pain away.

But that would not happen because she was sure that he finally got tired of her.

When she dropped her hands from her face, Jungkook was still in his spot, hadn't moved one step and he was facing the floor for the longest time before his voice broke the deafening silence.

"Maybe you're right. Maybe it is already too late."

Chaeyoung could feel the sinking of her heart as she took in every word he had just said.

"I just realized that maybe I should really stop. I should have long time ago, because no matter how hard I try, I'll never be enough for you."

Her eyes widened, more tears streamed down her face. She shook her head. "That's not true. Not your fault. You've always been enough. It was – "

"It's over, I guess."

"What?" she breathed, disbelief masking her voice. It couldn't be. She knew that it was all too late, but it would be a lie if she hadn't hoped for a miracle even if miracle had betrayed her before.

Jungkook said nothing in return, but as a response to her, he turned around and her heart began to go wild as she watched him stepping away, farther from her, towards the door, making his leave.

"No," she choked. "No, no, no, Jungkook. No, don't leave. Please, don't leave. Please. Don't leave me. I'm sorry, Jungkook. Jungkook!" She said all quickly as she walked fast while trying her best not to knock her feet and legs to the furniture around serving as obstacles to prevent her from reaching him fast. Before she could even take ten steps, he was gone with the main door slammed and her lips did nothing but stutter his name repeatedly.

It felt like an eternity to finally free herself from those obstacles and she ran towards the door, hand clumsily trying to open the door and as soon as it swung open widely, she literally ran and jumped outside, crying his name with an instant turn to her right where he was supposed to be, where he was supposed to be walking away.

Her breath caught in her chest when she did not see him, and when she inhaled, it sounded like she had been holding her breath underwater for more than a minute, mixed with an ugly sobbing sound. She held her head with one hand but before she could curse herself mentally and hate herself for an eternity, an arm came around her waist from her back, turning her around swiftly and she gasped out loud. The next thing she knew, she was pressed against the wall next to the door to her apartment in the hallway and it took her brain a second to register that the person before her was Jungkook.

With her still teary eyes and dampened face, she looked at him with a heavy confusion hanging off her face when she realized that there was a hint of smile on his face. The confusion was soon forgotten when Jungkook used one hand to cup her face and leaned to kiss her in a rush, the back of her head met the wall with a thud but she couldn't care less. Her arms encircling his neck and she kissed him back just as hard. He lifted her off the floor with the strength of a single arm of his around her narrow waist, and her legs automatically wound around him as he walked back into her apartment.

When their lips parted, she cupped his face, planting kisses on his forehead, his cheeks, the tip of his nose, his lips, his chin and went back to his lips for a few more times. She pressed her forehead against his, closing her eyes as she softly murmured his name, a sigh of relief that he didn't dash away out of her sight forever. She didn't expect him to take her anywhere and she totally did not expect to be put down on her two feet when they were just in front of the door after he closed it by using his back.

Chaeyoung refused to back away, standing close to him as he pressed his back against the door behind him, his head leaning back and his hands had fallen to his sides, no longer holding her. She ran her palms up and down his chest, clenched around the fabric and leaned in to place a kiss on his open neck before burying her face into his shoulder.

Jungkook's chest rose high and pressed against hers when he took a deep breath before he began, "You made me believe that I lost you. I never want to keep being a loser so I refused to give up. But last night really made me think that you want me out of your life. You even gave me the chance to be with you one last time before I need to make my leave."

Her face creased, and she pulled back, wiping her wet face, her lips subconsciously pouting. "I'm sorry."

"At some point, I really was convinced that no matter how hard I try, I'll never be enough for you... because I'm not Taehyung."

"Taehyung?" she furrowed her brows in confusion, blinking multiple times until the tears broke free from her eyes and she used the sleeve of the robe to absorb the water. "Why?"

"I took notice how you have been better after you and him are on good terms again. If it's a competition, it's like my fate has been written that from the beginning, I am the loser even when I try so hard not to end up being one."

Chaeyoung shook her head until her hair swayed violently. "There has never been a competition, Jungkook."

Even if there was, she was beyond sure that the winner would be Jungkook. If the fate wrote that he wasn't the winner, she would do anything to change that. Right at that moment, thinking that someone else would be taking his place was just something that she could not stomach and she would sacrifice anything to rewrite that fate, if such competition existed.

Jungkook's face was filled with confusion as he began to look down at her, his eyebrows knitting tightly and deep creases formed on his forehead when she told him that Taehyung harbored no such feelings for her anymore, and that it had been that way since the day Taehyung had fallen for someone else while they were still an item.

"What?" he breathed, like the new information was far from believable.

"Even if what he feels for me is romantic, I would always choose you over anyone else. I would have chosen him long time ago if I am not deeply in love with you, Jungkook. I could try a million ways to undo my feelings for you, but I would fail miserably. I –"

Jungkook leaned in for a sudden kiss and she realized how desperate she was for it again when she herself pulled his head towards her even more though the kiss was one she would deem one second despite lasting more than that. Because when their lips detached, she realized that they were no longer standing in front of the door.

They were on the couch, she was sitting on his lap, straddling him with her hands once again, curling and clenching on his shirt while his hands were buried in her hair, fingers tangled in her messy long locks, and their lips were on each other's. She unclenched her hands, taking his hands off her head and brought them to her lips and she pressed fleeting kisses onto them with soft murmurs of 'sorry'.

Jungkook cupped her face then, his thumbs continually caressed her damp cheeks softly. "I'm really sorry," he murmured. "I made you cry."

She shook her head, using her fingers to wipe away the unending tears on her eyes. "No," she managed. She rested her arms on his shoulder and stared into his soft gaze with her pursed lips, with Jungkook helping her to wipe the corners of her eyes with the back of her fingers. "Gosh," she sighed, shaking her head again and leaned forward as she placed both palms on each side of his face, thinking of how hurt his feelings had been all the time because of her. "I'm sorry for always hurting you, I'm really sorry," she said, kissing him all over his face again. She touched his face like it was her first time, smiling with her lips still trembling sometimes and she sighed again, and kissed him softly again. "Gosh, Kookie. I'm sorry."

Jungkook chuckled softly, holding her hand still for a moment. "I haven't heard of that in a while."

She smiled softly and murmured, "Kookie..." She leaned in, her lips ghosting over his. "My Kookie."

His hand snaked from her waist up to the back of her neck, cupping it as he pushed his face into her neck and whispered against her skin, "Baby," sending chills all over her body.

When he pulled back, Chaeyoung took the time to gaze into her eyes for long moments before she softly began to speak with her fingers of both hands playing with his hair. "If it's not too late...can we be together again? Can I be with you again? Can we start anew?" she asked nervously, biting her lips after she sniffed.

Jungkook gazed into her intensely, and slowly took one of her hands into his, pressing a kiss onto her knuckles, the back of her hand, the inside of her wrist, her opened palm before releasing it free from his lips but still held captive by his hand.

"All the time I have in my life ever since our split I spent on thinking on how I could win your heart again. All those times... I used them on imagining life with you being mine again. So do you think I would say no when you asked me these questions?" He smiled at her as he said, "I don't let chances go, Chaeyoung, I'm not you."

And she finally laughed, something that she didn't think she could do anymore if Jungkook ever really going to leave.

"Who knows..." she said softly, her head dropped and their foreheads met.

He cupped her head and gently pushed her a little to the back and gave her a smirk. "I must be out of my mind if I were to do that because I'm obviously in love with you and to let you slip away would be the silliest thing to do, you silly."

She let a laugh out again, throwing her arms around his neck and his arms automatically wound around her body, hugging each other close that they refused to leave any gap at all between them. They hugged for a few minutes, just relishing the moment as it was because it felt like it had been a lifetime since they were able to feel like this before she pulled back and pressed a kiss on his lips, tongue eagerly requesting a permission to enter and she sighed into his mouth once she felt his tongue made contact with hers. The sound in the back of her throat did not go unheard to her ears and she felt her cheeks heating up although that was not to worry anymore, nothing should be embarrassed about it.

A minute into their deepened kiss, he broke it with a sound and Chaeyoung frowned softly.

"You got a phone call," he said, cocking his head to where the phone was, and only a few seconds after that she could finally hear the sound of her phone ringing.

And she understood his frustration very well at that time as she sighed, climbing off his lap and running to grab the phone and answered Jennie's call. Before her friend could say anything, she was quick to half-yell into the phone, "Not now!" Before putting away the device, she set it into silent mode.

Chaeyoung turned around and saw Jungkook watching her with amusement, one brow quirked and she smiled at him, a wide smile, the kind of smile that she hadn't given any single person in the world in such a long time before her teeth dug down her lip and she ran towards him, throwing herself into his arms which caused them to collapse on the couch with him underneath her.

Jungkook laughed against her chest as he tightened his arms around her waist, and his voice muffled as he said, "I missed you." When he loosened his arms, she propped herself on her forearm, one hand used to stroke his head lovingly and she kissed his lips long as she whispered that she missed him too.

She looked into his eyes, letting her body rest comfortably on his with her chin tucked on his chest, again, Chaeyoung said, "I missed you so much."

Because, even when Jungkook was holding her tight and she was holding him, she still missed him so bad. But she figured that it was something good, because then it would mean that they would never get enough of each other, and that something new and good would always be there for them to continue the chapters of their life.