.21
Chaeyoung forced a smile to appear on her face as she bid her colleagues goodbye before stepping out of her workplace. Just as she seated herself in her car, she took her phone out while her other hand buckled the seatbelt. For the whole day, she hadn't even taken the device out of her handbag, trying to have her brain and mind focus on her work because she knew that Jungkook was right, that life must go on no matter what.
Things happened and it was not her place to stop it from happening, she had no power to reverse death, and forcing the suffering onto her would only make things worse. Taehyung wouldn't want that, his mother wouldn't approve it. While she couldn't help but think of the impossible, that if only she had agreed to work with Taehyung for his mother's happiness, she would always get reminded of how the lady had said that honesty was much more preferable.
No one was to blame for the loss of the beautiful soul. After days, she had finally begun to accept that fact and although it was difficult, she needed to keep moving on. And she needed to help Taehyung go through it.
Her thumb brought the device to life, teeth lightly nibbled on the inside part of her lower lip as she stared at the screen. There were miscalls and messages all from the same person, Jeon Jungkook. After wasting a few seconds just being still in her seat while her eyes stared at the phone, she eventually made her thumb work to send commands to the phone to make a call to him.
He answered the call in an instant, with a panicked merged with a slight relief in his voice as he called her name. "Chaeyoung?"
She leaned backwards as she quickly responded to him. "I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry."
"Where are you? I came home early, went over to your place but you weren't there. You're not anywhere in my apartment too. Are you... are you okay?"
The corner of her lips lifted slightly. She took a deep breath, nodded lightly as though he could see it. "I'm okay. I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I was at work. And I didn't check my phone."
There was a long, relieved sigh on the other line. "So you're going home now?"
She bit on her lips briefly, thinking of the person she had in her mind even in her sleep. "I..." she began hesitantly. "I want to visit Taehyung. I need to check up on how he's doing."
Silence from his side lasted for a few seconds before his calm voice replied her, "Okay, careful on the road."
It was totally unnecessary for her to tell him what she told him next, but she felt as though it was needed. "I'll definitely come home tonight."
He chuckled softly. "I know." The way he spoke to her, soft and gentle, everything about it made her insides felt like they were being caressed with a sort of warmness that would calm down any uneasy feeling at all.
Chaeyoung stood in front of Taehyung's apartment then, her index brushed against the doorbell with hesitancy building up inside of her. All the what-ifs began to take turns to pollute her mind. What if he knew she was at the door but refused to open it? If he opened the door, would he tell her off? With a slight shake of her head, she breathed out heavily, pushing away those unnecessary thoughts out her head. She pressed the doorbell once and waited patiently, shifting the plastic bag in her hand to the other hand before pressing it again.
She already knew from Jungkook that Jennie said Taehyung refused to see anyone except Namjoon, but here she was with that tiny hope that Taehyung would make her an exception. It was nearing five minutes when she finally decided to text Taehyung to open the door for her. Soon after she saw that her message was delivered to him, she attempted again to press on the doorbell.
Her heart was restless at every second she spent on waiting for any sound the door would make to give her at least a glimpse of Taehyung. It was probably only a couple of seconds after her last attempt to ring the doorbell, but Chaeyoung was already feeling as though she had stood there for at least thirty minutes that it would be wise to leave when the door suddenly opened while she was staring at her feet.
She lifted her gaze slowly, her eyes were on him from head to toe before they settled on his eyes, his tired eyes. "Tae..." she murmured, her hand spontaneously reached forward to hold his. She had a big expectation that he would swat her hand away when their skins came in contact, but he stayed still, showing no reaction for probably one good minute.
Taehyung's chest rose high as he took the deepest breath, his eyes blinked weakly at her and Chaeyoung felt him responding to her hold on his hand. He squeezed her hand gently, released his breath heavily and took a step backwards. "Come in," he invited, his voice deep and slightly rough like he hadn't spoke for days.
She set the food down on the table in his kitchen. "Have you had your dinner?"
He shook his head. "Namjoon will arrive in an hour with dinner."
"Tell him he doesn't need to come today," she gently told him.
He didn't protest or show any sign of disagreeing as he nodded his head lightly before he made a brief phone call to Namjoon. Chaeyoung prepared everything on the table with silence, telling Taehyung to just take a seat and wait. She tried to ignore the clenching of her heart at the silence coming from Taehyung as he sat quietly, doing just what he was told while his eyes blankly stared at the space across him.
It wasn't the first time for her to experience this Taehyung, but it was definitely rare for him to be acting this way. And the fact that his mother's death was the reason why he was this quiet this time around was so heartbreaking to her. The inner side of her was about to break down, but for him, she needed to be strong.
They ate together in deep silence although she had things she wanted to say. But she figured that perhaps, it wasn't the right time to be saying anything at all. She waited until both of them were finished that she, with so much effort, forced just anything to come out of her mouth.
"How have you been?" she asked cautiously.
It was the first time he smiled for the whole time she was there, but it was definitely not a smile she should be happy to see because it was only two seconds, didn't reach his eyes and it was almost difficult to detect if she hadn't been studying his face for a long time.
"I've been better, honestly."
She could feel that the answer was not laced with any untruthfulness at all and Chaeyoung nodded her head, understanding it completely. Her fingers fidgeted lightly as she thought of the next thing to say before he asked her, "How are you doing?"
She swallowed, lowering her eyes. "Okay."
There was no response and she was already scared of hurting his feelings, thinking hard of how that response she gave could actually sound insensitive. She really didn't know what to tell him because she didn't know how exactly she was doing. It was so indescribable. She had all the feelings from negative to positive combined with each other. To say that she was doing well would probably be a lie, but at the same time, saying things like she wasn't fine would be a lie as well.
When she looked up at him, he was frowning softly and she bit her lower lip hard at that.
"I heard that you're not coping well with this," he said.
She met his eyes again, staring at him confusedly because it didn't sound interrogative, and it certainly wasn't a tone he used when he was angry.
"How could I?" was the only response she could manage, and she herself noticed how weak her voice had sound with the slight tremble.
He looked away just for one brief second, sighing softly as his brows furrowed before he turned to look at her again. "Chaeng..." he stopped momentarily to lean forward on the table. "There's something I've been meaning to say to you."
She looked into his sad eyes, sending a silent request for him to say it. Taehyung didn't say right away, though. He ran his palms against his face as he exhaled shakily. When he brought his hands down, uncovering his beautiful face, he looked like he was thinking how to start it all.
"I talked to her the night before she got admitted," he finally began. "I told her things I should have told her long time ago. I told her what exactly happened. I told her about you, me, about us, about how our relationship ended, why I cheated, all the possible whys, the how – just... everything. I confessed to my mom about everything involving us."
She felt her breath caught in her chest, her mind giving her images of the lovely woman and she got herself wondering how the woman reacted to every single thing Taehyung told her.
"And you know what happened?" Taehyung asked, his deep voice came out so tenderly. Chaeyoung watched as he chuckled, saying nothing as his smile, a delicate smile lingered on his face while he looked like he was reminiscing all the best things ever happened in his life. "Instead of showing how disappointed she was at me, she hugged me. She rubbed my back. She patted my head. She told me it was okay. She assured me she wasn't angry. And at that time, I felt like I was a small child again... her little boy... making mistakes, big mistakes that should have angered her. But as always, she never got angry at me. No matter how disappointed she was. And at that point, Chaeyoung, I hated her for it. I wanted her to be like everyone else, be angry at me, let out all the pent up feelings inside of her, curse at me, push me away, I wanted her to ignore me."
Taehyung sighed heavily, his forehead creasing as he looked down. "And then... I hated myself so much for even having the thought of hating her when she was just being herself. She has always been like that. You know my mom," he chuckled, lifting his head up, his eyes glistened with tears. "...even if she was angry, even if she was disappointed, she wasn't like anyone else. She never had it kept long inside of her. She was such a positive woman."
Chaeyoung brushed her hair to the back and realized that she had tears wetting her cheek.
"I apologized to her, Chaeng," he smiled, his own eyes finally letting tears out. "And she said she forgave me. I'm so thankful that I got the chance to do so."
Her lips trembled uncontrollably that she had to bite hard on the flesh. She didn't even bother to wipe away her tears as she continued to listen to everything he had to tell. She couldn't help but feel relieved that Taehyung got to seek for his mother's forgiveness, and that his apology was accepted with an open heart. And another possible reason why her tears wouldn't stop any time soon was probably due to all the sudden flashes of memory of her with the woman in her mind. Chaeyoung missed her so bad.
"But honestly Chaeyoung, even with her forgiveness, I don't think I'll be able to feel at ease... if I never apologized to you sincerely for the things I have done to you," he said and her head shot up in an instant, staring at his blurry image before she stood up from her seat, taking long steps to reach to him. She heard his chair screeched on the floor before she felt her head pressed against his warm chest.
"I'm really sorry, Chaeyoung."
Chaeyoung tightened her arms around his torso, crying against his chest as she shook her head. "Don't," she managed.
"I'm not going to forgive myself if I never apologized to you, Chaeng." He pulled back slowly, cradled her face gently and made her look up at him. He wiped her tears away and she finally was able to have a clear image of his face. "I am responsible for making you like this, for making you blame yourself over this, for making it seem that it was your fault for this thing to happen to her when it's certainly not anyone's fault. And I am really sorry, Chaeyoung. Please forgive me."
She inhaled deeply, exhaled a shaky breath as her head slowly made nods while her eyes gazed into his. Taehyung smiled then, mouthing 'thank you' and pulled her into another embrace, an even tighter embrace. "Don't ever think that you're the cause of it anymore," he said, and she once again nodded against his wide chest.
*
Jungkook was worried.
But he wasn't worried of her visiting Taehyung. It was almost midnight and he didn't know if she was already home or she was still on her way home. For a second, if she was still in Taehyung's house, he had a thought to tell her to just stay there where at least someone was there with her and she wasn't alone. Lately, he'd been worried sick as he thought of the things she might do when she was alone. His mind was probably going overboard with it, but he couldn't stop himself from considering the possibility.
He wanted to send Chaeyoung a text to ask her where she was, but he didn't want her to think that she was being controlled when he was actually just concerned, probably a little too much. He wanted to give her a call, but it would be a burden if she was actually driving home.
It was scary and unbelievable how she made him feel, how she changed certain aspects in his life. He was always concern of the important people in his life, but never was he too deep into it that it always got his brain to work a lot more. Not only did he find himself thinking a lot more than he used to do, he found himself thinking a lot deeper into things.
Jungkook sighed, taking a seat at the edge of his bed, staring at the inactive device in his hand before it suddenly rang. His eyes lit up when he saw Chaeyoung's face on the screen, smiling at him her beautiful, sweet smile. He slid his thumb across the screen and brought his phone to his ear and upon hearing her voice from the other line Jungkook finally felt calmness from deep inside and his heart was at ease knowing that she was fine and nothing bad happened to her.
*
Chaeyoung got home a little over 10 p.m., took a shower so comforting she contemplated whether to sleep under the pouring warm water or on her bed. After the makeup with Taehyung, her head and body felt lighter and her heart was calmer.
Being able to finally forgive and apologize with Taehyung with every ounce of sincerity made her cry a lot, but it wasn't a cry that would cost her a headache and an unending heartache. Being able to talk to Taehyung about his mother made her realize that her death wasn't the end, in fact it was a new beginning for her to have a better life somewhere up there, that instead of forever mourning and aching over her loss, they should try to look at the positive side of it. His late mother was suffering from an incurable illness, and her leaving wasn't a hundred percent a bad thing because if she was to stay a lot longer than she could in this world, while the people around her would be grateful of it, it would only make her suffer even more and a lot longer than she deserved.
It was hard, but that was what she and Taehyung needed to accept. And she was glad that she and Taehyung could be there for each other at such a difficult time. And the fact that Namjoon and Jennie were always there to check up on the both of them often even when they didn't want to made her feel so grateful.
She sat on her bed, her back leaning against the headboard as she had her pillow on her lap. She thought of another person who never even once left her side during one of the hardest times of her life, the time that she felt to give up the most. Chaeyoung glanced at her phone briefly before it was in her hand in an instant.
"Hey..." she softly greeted him when he answered her call and was reminded that it was nearing 12 o'clock. "I'm sorry if I disturbed your sleep."
"I wasn't sleeping," he responded, his sweet voice was warm as it slid into her ear. "You're home?"
She smiled, nodding her head and replied, "Yeah..." Chaeyoung looked at the other side of her bed, nibbling on her lip momentarily and thought of her inability to get a sleep. "I was wondering..." she paused, swallowing thickly but before she could continue where she left off, he took the chance to speak.
"Come over."
A little stunned at his sudden invitation, her mouth automatically responded, "Huh?"
"Come over," he repeated softly. "It's almost midnight. You got work tomorrow and you need to sleep."
The next thing she realized was that she found herself standing in front of Jungkook's apartment, ringing his doorbell before she was startled at the soft buzz of the device in hand. When she lifted her hand to check, it was Jungkook who was calling her. With furrowed brows, she answered it and bit her lips to hold her smile the moment she heard his voice.
"You know the passcode," he softly laughed. "Just get inside. It's fine."
Even so, she was a little hesitant as she confidently entered the passcode correctly, opened the door to a living room that she didn't expect to see. Jungkook wasn't there in the living room but instead, on the walls hung photos of the two of them. There were photos of her, of him, of them both together in the same frame. Her lips slightly parted as she stared at each photograph with awe and confusion. She was at loss of words upon seeing the decorations around all the photos, like it wasn't meant to be hung just like that, like it was meant to be an event.
"Jungkook?" she called out and although her instinct was telling her that he was in his bedroom, she still made an effort to call his name. "Jungkook?"
"In here," a faint sound of his voice coming from his bedroom answered her and it took her a few more seconds to finally move her feet away from the living room to step towards where he was, finding it hard to tear her eyes away from the collection of photos.
When she opened the door to his bedroom, Jungkook was on his bed playing with his phone and he tilted his head on the pillow to glance at her. With a small smile, he patted the space next to him on the bed.
She climbed on the bed with slowness that she didn't know she had, caused by the confusion she had over the photos outside and the sudden heat coursing through her veins that her cheeks felt hot. Before she had the time to think whether she should ask him about the photographs, her mouth acted first without her consent.
"What are those photos outside for?"
"Hm?"
"The photos in the living room..."
He furrowed his brows as he placed his phone on the nightstand before he finally realized what she was talking about, it seemed. "Oh..." he smiled a shy and sheepish smile. "It was actually for that day we supposed to have our lunch and dinner date."
Realization fell on her again and felt guilt running all over her when she remembered that she didn't even contact him to inform that she couldn't make it to the date even though she had apologized for breaking her promise to come at the hospital. "I'm sorry..." she muttered apologetically. It surprised her that she didn't realize all of the photos when she came to sleep on his bed, maybe because she was too distracted that her eyes and mind could only focus on his bed and pillows and nothing else.
He snorted lightly. "Don't be. It was...unavoidable," he said and she could sense how he was trying his best to find the right word without hitting any sensitive button to trigger any emotion from her. "So..." he began without looking at her as she noticed from the side of her eyes. "How's he?"
She pressed her lips into a thin line for a moment before she offered a smile to the ceiling. "He's okay."
"Great," he said calmly. "So, you talked to him?"
"Mmhm," she responded simply before deciding that it wasn't a satisfying response. "We talked about a few things, cleared up a few important stuffs."
Jungkook hummed softly, nodding. "That's good." He didn't seem like he was engulfed in jealousy and envy, but more like he just didn't know how to make the conversation going with the proper and right ways to express things. It was slightly similar to what she felt when she wanted to talk to Taehyung. But despite that, Chaeyoung also felt like she wanted to let him know that there was nothing he should be worried of because she didn't want him to misunderstand.
She turned her head to look at him, her fingers fidgeting on her tummy. "Jungkook..." she mentioned his name softly but all of a sudden, she couldn't tell him what she wanted to say, the words suddenly went missing from her mouth.
"What is it?" he asked, curiosity plastered on his face as he looked at her with his brow lifted, waiting for her to continue.
"It was..." she stopped and sighed, thinking of why at moments like this that she was suddenly stuttering. "I –I just want to say...thank you for letting me sleep here," she said.
Jungkook looked like he figured that there was something else she wanted to tell but he let it slid, giving her a slight nod instead. "I told you, you're allowed here. It really is no problem."
"Yeah..." she muttered. "Good night," she quickly said and rolled her body so that her back was facing him.
"Good night..."
However, despite being on Jungkook's bed where his scent was permanent, and he was sleeping on the same bed, she couldn't find the sleep she wanted. It was not like the time when she entered his apartment without his knowledge to sleep on his bed. It was probably due to the sudden concerns in her head that she was distracted from sleep.
She checked the time on her phone and it was exactly two hours since she had been lying on the bed. Two hours wasted without a wink of sleep. Cautiously, she glanced over her shoulder and saw that Jungkook was already in the dreamland with his arm reaching towards her, as though he was providing her a space so that she could use his arm as her pillow.
Chaeyoung swallowed the thick lump in her throat as she contemplated on the decision to replace the pillow with his arm. Jungkook was a heavy sleeper after all, he wouldn't realize it if she was to lay her head on his thick, muscly arm. Slowly, she shifted on the bed with her back still facing him. She was careful when she finally decided to use his arm for her neck instead as she lied on her side, her back was a few inches from his front body as he, too, was lying on his side, facing where she was.
She was about to caress the vein on his forearm when the arm underneath her slightly moved and before she could do anything, the forearm underneath her lifted from the bed, wrapping around her, his hand holding her shoulder before she felt another arm weighing on her waist. Her eyes widened when she felt his chest against her back, his arms pulling her close to him and just when she thought he didn't realize it due to being deep in sleep, Chaeyoung felt Jungkook pressing his face into the back of her head.
"Why are you still up?" Jungkook asked softly against her hair, and it got her flustered. Her heart was pounding like mad as her body stiffened. "Sleep," he murmured.
Jungkook's fingers from the hand that was holding her shoulder gently caressed her arm and she shut her eyes, relishing the feeling and slowly relaxing into his chest and in his protective hold. Without realizing, Chaeyoung's hand moved on the mattress to hold on his arm that was holding her protectively along her chest to her shoulder and her own thumb rubbing on his skin before she squeezed him gently.
His other palm was warm as it spread on her pajama-covered stomach, and he delicately stroked her tummy in a calming way like he was trying to help her to sleep. "Sleep," he whispered again, and then, a soft kiss pressed on the back of her head. She didn't fall asleep in a second right after that, but the warmness he emitted helped her to find it sooner, no longer she had to wait long before sleep greeted her.
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