"How did the test go?" Ethan asks as he blows the last of the smoke from his mouth the other way. He tries his best, but I still smell it and wave my hand excessively in the hope that it will help atomize the foul odor. How dare he ask how the test went when he did not even show up? I feel the anger flaring up in me again but decide not to express it. He is not worth it. I turn off my music and put the AirPods back in the box and start my exaggerated story. 'Yes it went very well! Of course I had also learned very well so I think it will be a 10! '
Ethan looks at me in surprise and rubs his hand on his neck. I keep walking and don't pay attention to the hand because I'm afraid I'll give in because of the tattoo on his hand in combination with his perfectly symmetrical face. 'Sorry I didn't show up. Are you mad?'
I stop when I hear this question and it stops too. Angry? I am furious and no longer take this. 'Angry? Oh no, I only spent my entire free afternoon yesterday afternoon to give you extra lessons, which meant that I was hardly able to learn myself. Then today I have to find out that everything was for nothing, because you just don't show up. But angry? No not at all.' I scream as sarcastically as possible and want to walk on. He looks at me in shock and then suddenly takes my hand. I stand still because of the tingling that screams through my body. Why does he have this effect on me? I reflexively want to withdraw my hand but decide not to do it anyway and glare at him. "I'm sorry Esmee, I really wanted to come but I thought ..." He stops in the middle of his sentence and lets go of my hand. 'What did you think?' I ask, soothed by his touch, and squinting at him, waiting for what he's about to say. 'I was afraid that ... that I would ruin that whole test and that I wouldn't know anything more. That I would close and fill in everything incorrectly. ' He says ashamed and his cheeks turn a little red. If he hadn't been so embarrassed, I probably would have laughed at him and walked on. But he sounds very sincere and I feel a little pity for him now for yelling at him like that. "Sorry, I didn't know you had fear of failure," I say softly and I want to take his hand but he pulls his hand away. "I have no fear of failure." He snarls, but his gaze immediately softens. 'Sorry I didn't mean it that way. Can I make it up?' He says with a pout. Think carefully what you are going to say next Esmee. Let me play openly with him, in this case that is the best for myself and for my feelings. Even though I find it scary to death.
"Ethan, maybe it's just better if we leave it at this and stop seeing each other." I say quickly and keep walking softly. In any case, I can no longer be disappointed by him and just focus on school, the goal with which I came to Cambridge. Not to fall in love with some guy with some tattoos. He gives me so many signals that he doesn't feel anything for me that it is better if I let him go. I'd hate to not see him again, but it's for the better. Out of sight, out of mind, and so my heart can't be broken anyway.
"What do you mean stop seeing each other?" He says surprised and follows me. Okay, here we go. I take a deep breath and then start to express my feelings.
'I feel something for you, but the other way around you don't feel anything for me and I know it. I have to protect myself so that you will not disappoint me without even realizing it. You give me so many mixed signals and it keeps me confused. That is why it is better not to see each other anymore. ' I remain transfixed and feel that I now have to blush. Again I regret that the words have left my mouth and I want to keep running. Then suddenly Ethan grabs my wrist and drags me into some alley between the houses.