You had been staring at the ceiling for hours, unwavering while the room full of scientists, psychologists and doctors swirled around you like worker bees trying to figure out how to clear the Winter Soldier from your mind before it had completely taken over your persona. The memories were becoming clearer and more vibrant in your mind with each passing hour, but the essence of who you are was still in there behind it all, fighting to stay at the forefront of the muddled mess that was trying to silence you once and for all. Every so often, Nick or Phil would stop to stand next to you, looking down with both regret and anger at the situation, but never once aimed at you; for you, they felt overwhelming responsibility for letting you back into the world of the Avengers when they had worked so hard to pull you away in the first place.

"We could try TAHITI," Nick offered quietly, "but this isn't what it was built for. It would take some pretty significant modifications, and there's no guarantee that it would even work."

"No, I'm completely against that," Phil argued. "Take that off the list right now."

"That's the only thing on the list, Coulson. We have nothing else."

"Then we have nothing else. We have to do better."

"You could put me out of my misery," you mumbled to yourself, but you knew that they would pick up on it.

"That's not funny," Nick challenged, "so lock that down. I'm only listening to reasonable solutions, do you hear me?"

"Mmm hmm."

Phil snickered under his breath and crossed his arms tightly, shaking his head in his own amusement, "see, this is why she's dating Stark. They're the same animal."

"I'm not dating Tony."

The two men at your side exchanged cautious glances, having a full conversation in one look without a word being spoken. In the hours that you had been in their care, Tony had tried to contact them more times than they cared to count, each attempt becoming more desperate and harder to ignore. It had come to be that they finally couldn't stop the inevitable, and unbeknownst to you, he was in the building with you now, only not allowed to see you.

"I think you should probably tell him that, (Y/N)," Nick offered softly. "I'm pretty sure he thinks that you are."

Those were the words that finally made you turn your head to break your focus from counting ceiling tiles over and over; it wasn't a surprise to you that Tony was feeling that way, but rather the fact that other people beyond your immediate team knew about it as well. "He's here," you answered flatly, knowing that you were right.

"Yeah, about an hour ago," Phil answered for Fury. Your friend took a single step closer to you and knelt down at your side, bringing himself to your eye level rather than to continue the awkwardness of towering over you for any longer. "(Y/N), listen," he began quietly, "if you don't want him here, I'll take care of it. If you want him here, then I'll get him. This is your call to make, no matter what the guy standing behind me thinks. Director Mad-Eye can stare at the back of my head like he's imagining my murder all he wants, and I'm not changing what I said. This is up to you."

"I'm not imagining your murder," Nick scoffed, "I've already seen that, remember?"

~~~

Tony was actually much closer to you than you realized; he had been just on the other side of a two-way mirror and watching as the group worked around and on you with infallible focus. His anxiety was at a high as he tracked the movements of each person, pissed that he wasn't able to hear what they were saying and vowing to make learning lip reading higher on his list of things to get done. There were far too many moments when he wanted to smash his way through the glass and demand answers, but he held back not only for you, but because the two super soldiers standing against the wall behind him wouldn't allow it.

"I should be in there helping," Bucky finally offered, breaking the heavy silence, but not shifting their focus from you.

"You shouldn't even be here," Tony hissed.

"I might be the best shot that they have to getting this out of her head. If they could somehow figure out how she did this in the first place-"

"This is your fault, so your best shot is to stay the hell away from her."

"Tony, it's not Bucky's fault, it's mine." Steve shot a quick glance at Bucky before hesitantly pushing himself away from the wall, slowly crossing the small room to take a stand at the window with Stark. "I asked her to do this, so it's on me."

"Is that supposed to make me like your old war buddy somehow? Trying to make me believe that he had absolutely nothing at all to do with this? Like he didn't willingly let her into his fucked up brain?" Tony spat, finally turning away from watching you to direct his rage. "Yeah, that makes me feel so much better, thanks. We're totally BFF's now. It's all I can do to not rush over there and start braiding his hair."

"Hey, she has responsibility in this too."

"I know that."

"You sure don't act like it."

"Hold on," Tony paused, lifting a hand to halt him, "how is this now about me? I'm here to try to fix this convoluted swirl of shit that you two have gotten her into. I'm not the bad guy in this, for once."

"No one said that you were, Tony-"

"The only bad guy in this room is me," Bucky interrupted quietly with his gaze cast to the floor, "and the only one who can make this right is me. I never wanted to hurt her, Mr. Stark, I swear. I know that you don't believe me, and maybe you have no reason to, but it doesn't make it any less true. I'll do whatever's asked of me to fix this, and I'll take those memories back in a heartbeat if I can." Bucky stopped and raised his head with his eyes wide, as if his mind were suddenly flooded with an idea, "wait, do you think she can do that? Do you think she can just...put them back?"

"I'm gonna guess that's a no, genius, or they would have mentioned it by now."

"Hey, I'm trying, alright?" Bucky groaned, returning his focus to the floor. "You feel just fine throwing out the blame, but you won't give me a chance to do right. I can't win with you."

"No, you can't," Tony snarled, turning back to watch you again, but when he looked back, you weren't there. "Hey, where'd she go? Great, I turn my back for one goddamn second..." He threw his hands up in complete frustration and stormed off towards the door, throwing it open with a loud bang against the wall as he bounded out into the corridor to find someone with an answer for him. Frantically looking in each direction for anyone to yell at, he found the one person that he felt could be the best target of them all. "Fury! Hey, hold up!"

"Stark."

"Where did you take (Y/N)?"

"She needs to sleep."

"She needs to sleep?"

"Did I stutter?"

It was so hard for him to not retaliate immediately, but thankfully he had a flash of insight and realized that if he had, the odds of Fury telling him where you were would shatter and he'd be back at nothing. He took a deep breath, painfully slowly exhaling away his urge to scream at the man, "okay...let me try this again. Could you please tell me where (Y/N) is? I would really like to see her, if you wouldn't mind...helping me."

"Son of a bitch," Nick gasped, "you really are gone, aren't ya?"

"Nick, come on."

Fury furrowed his brow as he considered his options; Phil had told him that you never answered the question of if you wanted to see Tony or not, but it was clear to him that there was something undeniable between you. You had to be feeling so alone right now, with your mind beginning to fail and having everyone treating you like a broken science experiment, so maybe seeing Stark would be just what you needed. On the other hand, it might be a terrible idea, given the Soldier memories that were coming to life inside of you, and no way to know how you would react.

"Nick? You still with me?"

"Yeah...sorry," he startled from his thoughts, "okay. I'll take you to her, Stark, but you have to promise me that if you get even the tiniest inclination that something isn't right, you tell me without so much as blinking first."

"I promise," Tony agreed readily, pushing forward, "not a second of hesitation. Bad vibes, call Fury. Got it."

~~~

"I'm not going to fight you. You're my friend."

"You're my mission."

If Nick thought that tucking you into a moderately comfortable bed with linens that smelled of sterile science in a room with no decoration would be the best way for you to rest, he was a complete idiot. If he thought that it would jog your brain into rehashing memories until you drove yourself insane, he was a complete genius. Regardless of the intent, cursing Nick for either option felt like the right way to go. Tony would agree; he loved giving Fury a hard time whenever he had the chance, and you were certain that he probably had a wealth of material ready for the next time they crossed paths.

"Then finish it. Because I'm with you...till the end of the line."

"Okay, I'm not getting any sleep again, ever," you groaned, pushing yourself up and tossing the blankets aside angrily. "Maybe I'll get lucky and go insane from insomnia first."

"(Y/N)?"

"Tony?"

"Yeah, it's me," came the uncharacteristically small voice from the other side of the door. "Could I come in? If you need to sleep, it's okay-"

"Yes, you can come in," you urged, hurrying to your feet to get to the door. You opened it with a gentle smile to greet him, but it was quickly dashed at the expression being returned to you. Tony looked exhausted and scared, his eyes dull with heavy lids and barely the hint of his own smile at the sight of you. "Hey, are you okay?"

"I'm better now, seeing you for myself."

"Then I guess it's a good thing that I'm still me." Taking his hand, even though he hadn't reached out to you, you led him through the door and sat him down on the edge of your bed, never taking your eyes from him as you took a seat at his side. As much as you wanted him there, and as much comfort as you were already feeling with him being so close, you weren't sure if this was such a good idea with how much was changing and how quickly it was all happening. You knew that this wasn't something that he could fix, and being who he was, he was likely already exhausting every option that came to his genius mind. "Tony, you can't fix this. I knew there were risks. I'm the one who pushed Steve to let me help Bucky."

"What?"

"Steve didn't want me to do it, and I pushed him."

"Why?" he gasped, turning to face you. "Why would you do that? (Y/N), what if there's no way to undo this? Do you even realize what that could mean for you?"

"Please don't yell at me-"

"I'm sure as hell going to yell at you!"

"Seriously, Tony, I don't know how that's going to end for you."

"What? Are you gonna go all Soldier on me if I don't?"

"I might."

"Jesus Christ, (Y/N)," he huffed, pushing himself up to stand and get a little distance between you, "I've been a complete dick, berating Steve for getting you to do this for that brainwashed buddy of his, and it was your idea all along! I get being selfless, I do. Even though it's not my strong suit, I understand. But what happens to you isn't just about you anymore!"

"What do you mean?"

"What about me?"

"What about you, Tony?" you challenged, now taking on his stance to face him. "You catch feelings for me and now all of the sudden I have to run every decision that I make past you first? I don't have to report to you before I do anything." The twist of pain that stabbed his chest at your words was clear in his expression, his eyes showing the hurt that you never wanted to cause him; every fiber of your being was against what you were doing, but you had decided that letting him go was the only way to save him from what was happening to you. If you couldn't stop it, then the best you could do was to spare him from having to watch.

"I never said that you did."

"It sure sounded like it. Not everything is about you, Tony. Besides, I'm starting to think that this whole thing between us is a bad idea and that you were right in the first place. We can't do this."

"Hold on, why? This ego thing isn't new, so what is it? Is it the age thing? You finally think that I'm creepy after all?"

"Yes...no...I mean, yeah..." you stammered, taking another step back when he tried to approach, "we're just too different, and maybe the age gap is insurmountable." It was the lie that you had decided on before he had even arrived here to see you, hoping that he would buy it, but in reality it was much deeper than that. Every time you looked into his eyes now, you saw Howard pleading with you, and your mind filled with the voice of his mother begging you to stop. If he knew what you were seeing, he wouldn't want you anyway; your brain was muddling the line between cognitive reasoning and emotion, and even though your mind knew that Bucky was the guilty party, that didn't matter to what it was doing to you.

"(Y/N), don't lie to me," he began to beg, his tone changing and his panic starting to speed his heart in response. He stepped forward again, only to reach out for you when you tried to back away; he wasn't about to let you evade him this time and he followed until he had your back pressed to the wall and unable to escape. "Why are you pushing me away? I want the truth."

"Tony-"

"Don't lie to me, (Y/N)...please."

You had to turn your head away to avoid his eyes and the pleading in them that was boring away at your soul the longer you looked into them. He was begging you to be honest and to trust him with what you needed to say, and it wasn't that you didn't want to because you trusted Tony like no one else. You had convinced yourself that you were protecting him, that age-old and overdone excuse that you had heard so often in your own life that it made you nauseated just to think that you were now the one using it. Tony Stark wasn't a man who needed protecting, of course, except when something as painful as the memories of his own parents' deaths were being harbored by the woman he had chosen to love. Once the memories had their chance to drown the true essence of who you were, Tony would never be able to see you as anything other than that monster, and you knew that this was the only way to spare him; it had to be a quick end, with a clear finality for him to accept it.

"Tony," you answered, standing firm and forcing yourself to look him in the eye, "I don't love you."