"Ma'am."

Bucky's voice was softer than you had expected, after the stories that Tony had told you about him; in fact, he was nothing like you had expected, and it became clear very quickly that you had been given most of your information on Bucky Barnes from the worst source possible. Bucky's movements towards you were slow and careful, aware that anything could be misconstrued as aggressive. His eyes were gentle and sad, and nowhere near the coldness that you had expected to see; you wondered if anything that you had come to know was true as each point was readily disproven. Tony had told you that he would find a way to work through the fact that you were about to help this person, and you had tried to believe him, but now that you were meeting him in on your own, you wondered if he would ever allow himself to see the real Bucky Barnes that was hidden behind the Winter Soldier for so long.

"Hi," you answered quietly, waving him away politely when he extended a hand in greeting. "Sorry, I think it best to not make any contact just yet. I need to be sure that I'm ready for any feedback that I might get from you."

"Of course, sorry."

"No apologies necessary, Mr. Barnes."

"Please, my name is Bucky. I think we're gonna be way past formalities here in a few minutes, right? Once you crack into my head?"

"That's one way to put it, I suppose," you smiled back, but your posture conveyed the fears you were carrying in what you were about to do. You pushed your hands into your pockets to try to dry away the sweatiness of your palms, but it was a wasted effort and did nothing to help. If anything, you looked more nervous now than before.

"If you don't want to do this, it's okay. I understand."

"Steve asked me to."

"Well, sometimes Steve wants things to happen for the wrong reasons, and he tends to ignore the risks when he's blinded by what he wants," he answered hesitantly, making a concerted effort to look anywhere other than at you. "You saw that first-hand in Leipzig...and I saw you. From what I could tell, Tony would be pretty upset if anything happened to you because of me. He must care about you a lot."

You took a deep breath at the mention of Tony's name, the inhalation stinging your chest against the tightness of your muscles around it; you hadn't realized that you were carrying that guilt so readily, but there it was, crushing you from the inside out. Why couldn't you shake the feeling that you were doing something wrong when your intentions were only good? You were here to help this person, and even though you didn't know much about him beyond the stories of the Soldier, you could see in his eyes that there was a good person still yearning to be free of those tales. Even if Tony couldn't see that just yet, you wanted him to; if for nothing else than to free yourself from this perceived weight of betraying him to do it.

"Yeah, he seems to," you nodded in agreement, followed by a brief flash of a smile, "but we're not here to talk about him. Let's get started, shall we?"

"Right," he sighed heavily, "okay...so where do you want me to be? Should I lie down?"

"Wherever you feel comfortable, Mr. Barn...Bucky."

Steve had been standing at the far side of the room as you spoke to his friend, waiting with crossed arms and held breath, but now that he saw that you were about to be underway, he joined you quickly to stand at your side. "Thank you for this," he whispered nervously, the shake in his voice clearer than he had meant for it to be.

All you afforded him was a quick nod, moving a few steps away to stand next to Bucky's head, looking down at him one last time before you would connect and essentially become one mind with a man you had only just formally met. "Okay, Bucky, listen carefully. I've never done this before, and I don't want to go into this without full honesty, alright?"

"Of course."

"This might be uncomfortable, or painful, or it might feel great...I have no idea. If it's too much, then I want you to stop me right away. Push me away if you have to, okay?"

"Got it."

"Steve," you said to the Captain, without turning his direction, "no matter what happens, I need you to promise me something."

"Anything," he answered readily, standing attentively and eagerly to act.

"Promise me that if something goes wrong here today, that you don't take any blame on yourself, and don't let Tony put any on you either. This was my decision."

"(Y/N), you're scaring me a little," he answered softly. He reached out to take your arm, but you felt the shift and pulled away before he could connect. "(Y/N)..."

"Just promise me, Steve."

"I promise."

"Okay," you whispered to yourself, bringing your hands up and hovering them just over each side of his head. You could feel the energy between him and your hands, your skin prickling with intensity and a heat that was almost too much to hold steady. Even so, it was too late to turn away now, and you had committed yourself to this; "no backing out," you muttered, finally pressing your hands against him and feeling an immediate connection to his mind.

The screaming that filled you almost dropped you to your knees, pulling you into a void of darkness and pain that you feared you might never find your way out of. Beneath the screams, you thought you could hear Bucky's voice, but it was hard to differentiate. Hoping that your instinct was right, you moved yourself towards it, but as you thought you were getting closer, he sounded farther away. The more you searched, the more lost you felt, and now you considered that you would be lost in his mind forever.

~~~

Hours had passed since Steve had seen so much as a twitch of movement from you or Bucky. He stood at your side in case you were to start to waver, but your body was rigid as the connection to his friend continued to surge between you. Sam had now joined in the watch with him, but neither man had said anything yet because they had no idea what their words would even be. It was the smallest movement in your hand that had Sam finally being the first to break the silence.

"Did you see that?"

"See what?" Steve asked urgently, his muscles tensing even more as his adrenaline picked up.

"Her hand moved."

"Shit, Sam, that's it?" he groaned, bringing his hand up to rub the sting from his eyes. He felt as if he hadn't blinked in hours, his vision beginning to blur as tears finally began to flow to soothe the pain away. "I thought you saw something legit."

"Sorry, man, I thought that was legit. They're like statues. It's pretty damn freaky if you ask me."

~~~

Furnace. Benign. Rusted. One. Daybreak. Nine. Longing. Seventeen. Homecoming. Freight Car.

"Good morning, soldier".

"I'm ready to comply."

"I have a mission for you. Sanction and extract. No witnesses."

The next thing that you saw were Tony's eyes staring back at you, filled with bewilderment, shock, and terror. They were the same eyes that you had looked into when you said goodbye to him only days before, but it was Howard's life that was held in your hands, and his pleas for you to help his wife had fallen on deaf ears. The scream of his name that filled the night air around you meant nothing more than an inconvenience to your focus; you would next move on to silence that voice as well.

~~~

"Oh my god," you gasped, breaking the connection and stepping back with a clumsy stumble. If Steve didn't have such amazing reflexes, you would have found yourself on the floor at his feet. He wrapped an arm around your back and swung the other behind your legs, swinging you up to hold you tightly against his chest as you panted and tried to catch your breath.

"(Y/N)? You okay? Talk to me, doll, what's going on?"

"Why didn't you...warn me..." you struggled, trying to blink away the river of tears that wouldn't stop, "...you should have told me, Steve."

"(Y/N), what is it?"

"Why didn't you tell me that he killed Tony's parents?" You pushed your hands against his chest to get him to put you down, so that you could get away from him in your rage and terror, but his grip only strengthened. Even when you slammed your fists against him and slapped at his face to break his hold, he maintained it. "You should have told me!"

"I'm sorry, (Y/N), I know...I know..." he tried to answer, dodging your strikes. "I didn't think...I didn't know that you'd see that, I'm sorry."

"No, Steve," you hissed, stopping and grabbing his face to make him look at you; you wanted him to see into your eyes and know the severity of this and the aftereffects it was having on you. You wanted him to know this pain and never forget staring into its soul. "You don't understand. I didn't see it. I did it. I felt my fist strike Howard down. I crushed his mother's throat with my bare hand. I heard her gasp for air and try to beg me to stop. How will I ever look at Tony again and not feel that? I can't let him love me like this."

"But it wasn't really you, (Y/N)."

"To me, it was. What if it always will be?" you groaned, finally relenting and leaning your head against him, your body so weak that the fight was drained away. "I think I screwed up, Steve."

"What do you mean?" he asked cautiously, glancing up at Sam and then to Bucky, who was just sitting up with a shake of his head to clear away the muddled memories that you had churned up in him. "(Y/N)?"

"I didn't heal Bucky. Well, I did...but not in the way I meant to. The memories are gone and he'll be okay...but all I did was to take them on myself." You closed your eyes for just a second and took a hard swallow to steel your nerves for what you might see; when you opened them again and looked down at yourself, you gasped at what you found. It wasn't really true to anyone else, and there was no way that it could have been, but your mind was playing tricks and telling your eyes to believe as it was told; you looked down to see that your left arm was alight with your reflection in the polished metal that had suddenly become yours.

"I think I've just made myself into the Winter Soldier."