"It's unfair of me to ask you to be patient and not know why." They had transcended the limits of their shared bed and for the first time, Tasneem had asked to be held as they slept. She was slowly becoming addicted to simply feeling safe and content with him and it scared her.

His eyes roved over the top of her head, tucked beneath his chin as she wrapped her arm around his waist. Her hair had been thinner than it used to be in school- the effects of poor hair treatment and cheap shampoo. Fine strands escaped her braid and had tickled his skin as she shifted about trying to get comfortable besides him.

"Did you know that ecstasy taken in the right doses increases your libido." Her voice sounded bitter and harsh as she recalled one of the various facts her brother would spew out as he found his way into her body. "My brother would-"She closed her eyes, shifting even closer to him as the words stuck in her throat began to chafe against her till she was raw. "There were times when he would take a pill before coming into my room because it allowed him to..."

She couldn't do this.

God, she couldn't do it.

The light behind her eyelids blackened as she heard the light click of the lampshade switch behind them. "Pretend you're not talking to me."

She reached for his hand, knowing how much he hated the dark, and she weaved her fingers through his when she felt them shaking as the stillness surrounded them.

"The first time he-"she took a deep breath, unsure if the memories and feelings floating around in her mind could be translated into mere words, "had sex with me..."

The words hit her like a ton of bricks.

Her brother had sex with her.

Her brother raped her over and over and over again.

And saying the words out loud only allowed the nightmare to become real.

Her throat felt dry as if the words had trickled out as dry desert sand rubbing along the walls of her throat before it trickled out of her mouth. "The first time he had sex with me, he forced me to swallow a white pill. I didn't know what it was but I knew that something was wrong with me."

She could feel his muscles tense as his fist tightened beneath her hold.

"My tongue felt heavy and when he kissed me, my lips felt numb." She subconsciously swept her tongue along her lips, assuring herself that she was still in control of her own body. "But worse than that was the feeling I felt inside me that I couldn't stop. I remember screaming so loudly that my throat began to hurt and I begged for him to stop but inside my own body there was something building and the more he..." She stopped, unable to truly describe his actions, "The feeling only intensified. I wanted to stop it but it wouldn't stop until he stopped."

She could scarcely believe the words coming out of her own mouth. She couldn't believe that she was talking to him, confiding the deepest secrets locked within her to him. But as she spoke she felt something wash over her- awareness that her life was no dream. It had happened. For so long, it had seemed as if that part of her was suspended in time festering within her until it grew into a boiling, deep, dark ugly vat of bitterness.

It felt as if for the first time, her past and present were melding into the same body. And all the secrets that poured from her heart were captured and stored away into the darkness- a timeless, open vault that would never let anyone in.

"Worse than him hurting me," Her voice shook with glued tears that clung to the inside of her throat, making it feel raw and torn, "Was when he wanted to... pleasure me." The last words seemed choked and small. "He would touch me over and over and over again. He wanted me to cry out for him and moan for him but I never, ever did it." She said quickly, reassuring herself more than him.

He stiffened beside her, recalling the way she bit her lip, stifling any sounds the night he touched her.

"But I couldn't stop my body from doing what he wanted me to do. He would smile at me after it was over and he would ask me if I enjoyed it. But I could never tell him no because he would show me the evidence from my own body. He would tell me that I was pretending or that I was shy but I was never shy." Her body felt hot, warmed by her own shame, "I was ashamed of what I did. I was ashamed that I couldn't stop my body from doing what he wanted me to do and I was ashamed that it was his touch that evoked those feelings."

She looked up into the black room, imagining that it had stretched on to infinity. That the dark had taken her words far up into the heavens where it would never plague her again.

"He would trick me into swallowing a pill when I wouldn't respond as he liked. He'd take it in his own mouth, crushing it into fine pieces before kissing me but I still felt it. I would suffocate if I tried not to swallow it because he kept his mouth over mine and blocked my nose so I couldn't breathe."

The floodgates had been opened and once she started speaking, she was reluctant to stop. She needed to speak and get it out. She needed him to know.

It was vital that he know simply so she could stop living in the past. She wanted to live with him in the present and for that to happen, he had to be with her in her past.

"I didn't feel time go past. I didn't feel anything. My life just stopped in that moment and everything else left me behind. My time revolved around knowing he was at home and knowing he was gone. I counted the hours to when he would come in and the hours to when he would leave and that's how I lived." She shrugged her shoulders, forgetting to even make sense as she spoke. She spoke as she thought and her thoughts were too jumbled to truly understand.

"He hurt you too, didn't he?" Riaz asked, uncurling his fist to play with her fingers. "I saw the bruises."

"He saw you talking to me and then he found the letters." She said sadly. The only thing she had ever regretted was that she could never find those letters before she left. She searched and searched but they were long gone by then. "But he's hurt me before. There were times I couldn't walk properly and I would bleed for days. There were times I would sit in the shower and let the water run over my thighs because it was the only thing that made them feel better. He was..."She shivered, feeling phantom hands along the tops of her thighs, creeping beneath her vest. "He was always so rough and he didn't care that it hurt. I went on the pill without telling him because I was scared he would forget to use a condom."

She could feel her body shaking as she spoke, trembling beside his as she sought comfort in him. He was there, warm and solid and real- He was finally real again.

She looked at his silhouette, just looked at him.

Everything about him was beautiful.

"I hate my body."She confessed quietly.

He looked down at her, startled at what he had just heard.

"Why did it do that to me? Why did it feel...pleasure when my mind begged it to stop?" She ran her hand over the curve of her stomach, disgust piling up within her at the thought of the shivers that wracked through her when he whispered in her ear or the tingles throughout her legs when he touched her in a certain spot. Her own body had betrayed her- He had seized control of her body and it had given itself away. "I'm a hypocrite, aren't I?" She whispered, unsure if she had even spoken the words. "I hate him because he hurt me but the day you touched me I wanted to feel the same thing I felt when he..." She felt bile rising in her throat at the thought of it. She couldn't want to feel that feeling. It was sick to want to feel that again.

He turned to his side, raising himself up on his elbow to look down at her. She couldn't see him but she could feel the way his eyes penetrated her own as he took in her words. "Don't do that."

"Don't do what?" She asked, looking up at him as he shifted, his arms on either side of her head, holding himself up. The idea of lying under him caused her to break out into sweat. She could feel her breath becoming shallower and shallower at the thought of him hovering over her, looking at her, being able to touch her without inhibition and it scared her. It terrified her down to her core yet she couldn't move without offending him.

"Are you scared?"He grazed his finger along her arm, gently joining his hand to her own.

"No." She tried to smile but even she could hear the panic lacing her voice.

"Liar."His voice sounded sad as he leaned down, pressing his forehead to hers. "I'd never hurt you."

" I know." She reached up, running her hand slowly through his blonde hair, "But I can't convince myself otherwise."

"Don't hate yourself. Your body is beautiful and it's amazing. You're made full of nerves and chemicals that make you feel the way you do." She felt his chest brush against her own as he leaned in closer to her, his lips whispering against her own. "You have nerve endings running throughout your body." His finger trailed slowly, gently up her arm, barely scraping his nail against her skin. "And some don't need more than a simple touch, or kiss," his lips barely touched her shoulder as his hand moved slowly upwards brushing gently against the goosebumps dotting her arm, "to activate them. Do you feel it?" His lips brushed against the side of her throat, "Your nerves are sending messages to your brain," His pads of his fingers rubbing against the juncture of her neck, "And those messages are translated into a release of chemicals that allow you to feel what you're feeling." He breathed into her ear, feeling her shudder beneath him as his breath blew gently over her most sensitive nerve endings. "What are you feeling?"

She couldn't answer him. She couldn't tell him that his simple touch caused her entire body to feel as if it had gone up in flames. His lips passed over the shell of her ear before he tugged her earlobe between his teeth.

"You couldn't stop this feeling, even if you tried." His voice was a gentle caress against her jawline and cheek as he kissed her softly. "There's nothing wrong with wanting to feel" His fingers had begun its gentle descent down her collar bone, drawing vertical patterns along her skin as he went along. "I want you to feel it because I want you to know what it feels like when you want it too." His fingers were toying with the small lace edge along the top of her vest. He could feel the way her skin flushed beneath him as he continued his slow journey over her vest.

"Tell me to stop." His hand stopped, teetering precariously on lace collar of her vest.

She placed her hand over his own, pressing down softly to allow him to feel the way her heart beat for him...

Tell me stop.

She guided his hand slowly, truly allowing him to touch her.

She was in control.

She was in control.

She was in control.

She used her left hand, gently lowering his head to hers, pressing her lips to his.

She was in control.

She felt him lower himself, more of his weight settling upon her as he continued to touch her under her guidance as their hands delved over the soft curve of her stomach.

This isn't wrong. This isn't wrong. I'm in control. This isn't wrong.

His lips moved with surety over her own, pressing firmly, tasting her. His hand gently roving over her skin, lower and lower dipping below her navel...

"Stop." She pulled back, kissing him one last time- a quick, chaste meeting of lips before unwound her arm from around his neck. She watched him lift himself off of her, tugging her lip between her teeth as she recalled the feeling of him above her.

"You're in control, Little Bee." He brushed his lips over her forehead one last time before he settled back against his pillow. "Don't forget that."

She smiled, nodding her head even though he wouldn't see. "Will you do something for me?"

"What?"

She sidled just a little closer, "Will you hug me?"

"Ya," He wrapped his arm around her, pulling her to lie against him, "I can do that."

She closed her eyes, inhaling the scent of his soap as a feeling of deep, true contentment washed over her.

I'm in control.