*The following chapter contains depictions of child molestation and rape. Please read with caution.*

The first moment that had shaped her path occurred when she was 3 years old. Her father had just left and her mother was plunged into darkness trying hard to forget everything.

Her older brother had been the one that had shouldered the responsibility of looking after Tasneem and Ibrahim all those years afterwards. He would drop them off to the daycare and pick them up on his way to and from school. He would feed them and change them and bath them. He would read them bedtime stories and play with them with them when their nightmares seemed only too real...

He was her hero.

She remembered sleeping in his bed, fighting with Ibrahim over who he would wrap his arm around when eventually he would sleep in the middle, wrapping an arm around each of them. He kept them safe from sleepless nights and rainy days.

He kept them safe...

He looked at their enjoined hands as she squeezed his hand once again. Her eyes were closed and her feet were tucked under her as she rested her forehead against her knees yet sleep had not claimed her. She didn't want to talk and that was okay. They craved their silent companionship far more than discussion and only they knew the comfort it brought to them.

"Hey Mum." He walked into the lounge softly, startling her from her position on the couch.

"You're here." She smiled, beckoning him towards her as she raised herself to a sitting position. He ignored her jerky movements and the little gasps of air as she straightened herself out before he knelt down beside her. He took in her scent, rosehip oil and Vaseline, as he rested his forehead against her shoulder. Her fingers trembled as they ran through his thick blond hair before she leaned back to look at him just a little more closely. He was so tall now that she still had to look up at him even though he was kneeling and she was not. And he was handsome. He was so handsome- he looked like his father except for the blonde hair and the green eyes. Those he got from her but his features were his father's. His handsome father's...

His hands engulfed hers entirely as he brought them to his lips but he was still her little boy.

He would always be her little boy who cried when the lights went out.

"I don't have much time Mum."

"Where are you going?" She looked down at him, only just noticing the duffle bag he had dropped by the door.

"I'm going to Cape Town. I leave at 2."

"Why are you going?" She asked, weaving her fingers through his hair once again.

"I can't stay here. I can't stay with him."

"Your father?" Her hands stilled, confusion clouding her eyes at his words. "Why?"

He smiled sadly at her. His father had brainwashed her into believing that he was everything and she was nothing and slowly over the years she had begun to believe it. "That's why, Mum." He shook his head slightly at her question. "After all these years, you're still surprised that I'm terrified of him."

"Terrified of him?" Her eyebrows knitted even further. "He's a wonderful man and he looks after you."

"He doesn't Mama." He took off his glasses, wincing as the dry skin of his thumb rubbed against his tired eyes. "Kom saam met my."

Come with me.

"Nee."

No.

She broke out of his hold before she stood up. How dare he ask her such a thing? How could he expect her to leave her husband? She took her vows seriously. She wasn't like those sluts who sucked men dry and left them. She had morals and integrity and how dare this little boy tarnish them.

"Asseblief Mama."

Please Mum.

"Los my uit!"

Leave me alone!

"Nee." He stood up, following her to up the stairs to her bedroom trying hard to ignore the screams and echoes of his own memories as he passed by the all the rooms in his house.

He was 5 when his father beat him in the lounge to the point of exhaustion.

He was 6 when he lost his eyes as his father hit his head repeatedly in the kitchen.

He was 7 when his father burnt a line down his back for trying to help his mother in the bathroom.

He was 8 when...

He walked into his mother's bedroom...

He wouldn't think of this place. Not this place. Not here where he died and his father killed him.

Not here.

He shook his head, ridding himself of the images as they howled at his mind begging him to let them out. But he wouldn't. He couldn't. Not now.

"Los my uit!" Claire screamed at him as soon as she saw him in the doorway.

"Please Mum."

"Nee!" Claire picked up the nearest object in her reach, hurtling it at the wall beside him. And only when the glint of sunlight hit the shattered pieces of glass on the floor- only when that caught her eye did she realise that she had broken her perfume bottle.

Her only connection to his love for her.

And she had smashed it against the wall...

And it was all his fault.

She watched, fascinated as they passed grey building after grey building...

They were really leaving. He would never touch her or hurt her or...

After 10 long years, he would leave her alone.

The second moment that drastically changed her life happened when she was 12 years old. Her older brother had begun to change over the years. He scared her sometimes. He would stare at her but the look in his eyes was one she was too young to truly translate. Though, when he stared at her she felt chills run down her spine. There were times when she thought she saw his shadow at the foot of her bed or she heard his footsteps echo from her doorway to his room late at night. But he was always there. There was never really a moment when he was not just there...

It was only on the eve of her final exam did she truly realise that she never should have ignored him.

She was tired. She had never stayed up past 12 before but she was worried about her math exam. Math was never her strongest subject and it had taken her what seemed like forever to cram the concepts into her head. But she was finally done. She climbed into bed enjoying the feel of the cool sheets against her warm body as the temperatures began to rise steadily over the past month. Her eyes had only just closed and she had only just succumbed to the darkness when she heard the creak of her door as he tried to open it as quietly as he could.

Why was he in her room?

She didn't know why but her heart began to beat just a little too fast as his footsteps sounded closer and closer to her bed. It was wrong- something was wrong but she was too young to know what happened between men and women sometimes...

"I know you're awake." He said softly, his voice sounded as if he were right on her bed beside her. "I saw that your lampshade was on up until now."

She was sure she would sweat a hole through her sheets as she tried as hard as possible to keep quiet and soften her breaths yet nothing seemed to work. No matter how much she tried, she couldn't rid herself of the fear that seemed to choke her in the darkness.

"You've grown beautifully Tasneem."

It's not right.

This isn't right.

Her back was to him but she could hear his knee thud against her carpet as he knelt down beside her. "I can't believe how much you've grown and how pretty you look."

She shuddered as she felt his hand brush along her spine before he slowly reached around her...

It felt as if she had spiders crawling all over her as his fingertips danced along her shoulders creeping down towards her chest. It felt ugly and sick and dirty but she was frozen in time as his hands began their slow descent towards the waistband of her pants. She squirmed, protesting his touches when he cupped a hand over her mouth silencing her immediately. "Shh. You'll like this," He whispered in her ear. "I promise."

No.

I don't want this.

This isn't right.

She twisted out of his hold, pushing herself as close to the opposite pedestal as she could praying he wouldn't follow her. She was shaking now. No matter how much she tried, she couldn't stop the shivers wracking her entire body from her head to her toes. Everything shook. It felt as if she was shaking from within her bones as she looked at him. His eyes were hooded in annoyance as he crawled onto her bed towards her.

"Please don't." She cried out as soon as his hand made contact with her foot.

"Don't what? How do you know what I'm going to do?" He smiled down at her as if trying to pacify her before he moved even closer.

"I don't know but I know it's wrong."

"How will you know if you don't try it?" She tried to jump off the bed but he was too fast for her. He caught her leg, dragging her towards him before he trapped her between his knees pinned on either side of her. "It's just a kiss. You don't mind kissing me, right?"

She shook her head vigorously as he hovered over her- he was so close she could feel his breath over her face. "I don't want to." He didn't want to kiss her- Not the way he wanted her to believe. She knew that. She didn't know how but she knew he wanted to kiss her like she saw them kiss on the movies. She didn't want to do that...

"You'll like it."

"I won't." She tried loosening his hold over her wrists, twisting them from side to side but his hand encompassed both her wrists a little too tightly for her to move. "Please don't." She was crying now. She could feel the tears pour into her mouth as fear and disgust ravaged her body. "Don't. I don't want to."

But he paid no mind to her rants and raves as he leaned closer towards her- rubbing his thumb across the swell of her lips before replacing it with his own mouth. She could taste his tongue as it invaded her mouth and ran over her teeth and her gums. It was thick and ugly and she didn't like it. she hated it- she hated the way it felt along her own tongue and try as she might, she couldn't move her tongue far enough away from him. She tried, she tried so hard to kick him and move away from him but his knees only dug further into her skin every time she so much as moved a muscle. She hated it.

God, she hated it. She wanted to vomit all over him as his tongue probed her mouth even further... She was sick. She wanted to be sick.

And then she felt his hands move to the waistband of her pants once again.

She screamed against his mouth, her cries drowned out by his forceful disgusting lips and every time she moved, he pinched her wherever he was touching. She could taste her tears mixed with his saliva as he continued to kiss her and touch her, never once stopping even when his hand slipped beneath the waistband of her pants before delving, finally, beneath the elastic of her underwear.

And not once as she tried- could she stop him.

They had been driving for almost 2 hours before she leaned back against her seat, wrapping her arms around her knees in order to bring them closer to her chest. The sleeve of her top had ridden up for only a second but that second provided him with enough of a glimpse to know why it was she was running away.

His mother's face crumpled as soon as she recognised the faded glass along the tiles...

How could she have broken it? It was...

Zaheer gave it to her and she broke it. She was so stupid. How could she be so stupid? What was wrong with her?

Stupid, stupid Claire!

Riaz watched a his mother squealed like a baby before she sat down on the floor, hitting her head over and over as she beat herself up over her own stupidity. She was like a baby on the verge of a tantrum as she pulled out her hair and her squeals transcended to cried which transformed into screams that reverberated throughout her entire body. She was screaming, rocking herself on the floor as she curled into a ball. She sounded animalistic- her screams rubbed her throat raw as she looked at the glass over and over again.

She was so stupid!

She crawled over on her hands and knees, wailing even louder at the sight of the cracked fragments beneath her. How dare he come into her house and force her to break it?

Riaz looked down at her, horrified at her behaviour as she began crumpling the shattered pieces of glass into her hands. He could make out the tell-tale trickles of blood that ran down her palms and stained the white tiles below her with her own red liquid as she tried to contain the absolute rage within her.

"This is all your fault." She looked up at him, unmindful of the clear liquid running out her nose and over her lips as she glared up at him. "How dare you?"

She stood up slowly from her place.

"Calm down Mum." Riaz said softly, as if she were a wounded dog lying on the ground instead of his mother.

"Fuck you and your fucking Cape Town!" She screamed up at him, her body tensing with unrelenting anger as it raged and drowned each one of her veins...

"Mum, stop it." He knew this mood of hers. He couldn't even begin to defend himself against her words. He could only attempt to calm her down before she hurt herself even further. "It's okay. I'll leave but you need to put the glass down, okay?"

"Fucking useless piece of shit." She mumbled to herself. "Fucking useless shit breaking such a fucking expensive bottle."

"Please stop it, Mum. Please." He wrapped his arms around her but nothing he did would ever shield her from her own thoughts. Nothing was hers- not even her own mind.

It was all tainted by him.

Nothing was safe. Not even her thoughts...

"I'm tired."

He shifted his foot so that it rested flat against the seat in front of him before he looked down at her, surprised that she had spoken at all.

"Then go to sleep. There's still a long way to go."

The fourth moment had been claimed by her brother as well.

It would forever be the darkest day of her life. The sun was eclipsed and the moon had been covered by the clouds. Nothing dare look down upon her that day... None would look down at her for shame at his actions. No light would shine on her- only the darkness of the eclipsed sun and the hidden moon that had begged the stars to dim their glow...

For none could look down lest they break open and weep down in sorrow.

She had been busy in the garden. She loved her garden and she loved her sunflowers. She couldn't believe how fast they had grown but plants only grow with love and she loved those plants. They reminded her so much of Riaz that her heart rejoiced every time they caught her eye. She loved Wednesdays. Her heart would race the entire day in anticipation of his letter she knew would come the next day. It was a glorious feeling having something to look forward to but waiting was agonising all the same. She never knew whether her heart was content or restless but when Thursday came and the letter was in her hand- Only then did she truly find peace.

She dusted her hands on her jeans as she entered her room, barely even gazing at anything else beside the brown sand under her fingernails as she walked toward her bathroom door.

God, she needed a shower...

"You happy to see me?"

And just like that- everything had evaporated into nothing at the sight of her brother perched patiently on the edge of her bed.

He had been gone for so long that she was almost sure he would never come back but there he was... her heart started to hammer against her chest and her fingertips felt sweaty against her palms as she looked at him.

"Didn't you miss me?" He asked as he stood up and walked closer to her.

She wanted to shake her head but the look in his eyes commanded her to say yes. She could only nod slightly before she took a step back... She had to escape. Something was wrong and everything in her body told her that she needed to escape but as soon as she turned around his massive body slammed her into the ground. The air had been pushed out of her lungs so suddenly that she was scared she might choke on nothing as she tried gasping for breaths but nothing happened. She couldn't breathe- not with his massive weight above her, crushing her.

"Shh now." He soother her, turning her over gently before bracing his weight on his elbows to relieve the pressure on her chest. "There see..." he smiled down at her as soon as she started to breathe again. "You just need to relax."

She stared up at him, her body stiff with pain and torturous fear at whatever it was that was to come.

"Relax Tasneem. I won't hurt you." He smiled, tucking her hair gently behind her ears before he leaned forward to kiss her- dirtying her lips with his own. She sat frozen as he bit the corner of her lip and squeezed at her breast before he infected her mouth with his tongue.

She moved her cheek to the side, closing her eyes in revulsion. "Stop."

"Why? I know you like it."

She shook her head, crying out again as his cold hands crept under her top before groping at her breast once again. "I don't. Please don't... I am begging you. Please."

"But I know you'll like it. You'll be as into it as I am soon enough. You just need to relax."

"No don't!" She grabbed the hand that was on the button of her jeans, throwing it off her in disgust.

"The more you struggle, the more it will hurt. Come on, just relax."

"I don't..." But as she spoke, he pushed a small white tablet between her teeth before he pushed his hand against her mouth, forcing her to swallow.

"It'll help you to relax..."

"I don't want to." She started crying, twisting and kicking as much as she could to get him off of her but nothing she did would make him move. "Please stop." But she began to feel strange- her head began to feel heavy and her eyes couldn't seem to focus on anything. She began to sweat and her body began to tremor with the adrenaline the was forced to flow throughout her bloodstream. "What's happening to me?" She was so scared. She was so terrified of him... what had he given her? She didn't like it. She didn't like the feelings or the sensations rushing throughout her body. She didn't like the feeling in her stomach or the way her breathing had begun to increase but she was powerless to stop it.

"It's to help you relax." He said once again. His hand had slithered down her body coming to rest on the button of her jeans before he popped it open. He was toying with the band of elastic around her underwear, watching as she tried to fight off the effects of what he had just given her before his fingers travelled slowly into her underwear.

"Please I am begging you to stop. Please." She cried out as soon as she felt his finger invade her body, arching her back and clamping her thighs shut as if it would stop him. "No I don't want it."

But he didn't stop... not even as she cried for him and begged him to stop. He never stopped, instead probing her further. "Quiet. I promise you'll enjoy what's coming next."

"I don't want it. I don't want it. I don't want it." She kept on mumbling and crying and begging yet he was deaf to all of it as he stripped her off her clothes before laying her back on the carpet once again. She could feel the rough carpet chafe against her back as she clamped her legs shut once again. "Please don't. Don't. I don't want it."

She was panicking. She was borderline hysterical as his hands gripped at her thighs, forcing them open. Her eyes were closed. She couldn't look at him. She couldn't bear to see the destruction of her own body. "I don't want it. Please don't. I can't do it. I don't want to do it." She whispered over and over even as his teeth tore through the skin on her chest and his hands pawed at her as if she were his property. "Don't. Don't. Please." She continued begging hating the way the cold air breathed over her naked body as he hovered above her. She didn't look but she could hear the sounds of the wrapper being torn. "Don't. I'm begging you to stop. Please."

She was shaking. She couldn't get her arms to stop shaking and no matter how much she tried to fight him off, he only pinned her tighter to the ground. "Please." Her voice was scratchy and hoarse with her begging and her pleading but still- he didn't care as he pried her knees apart, steadying himself above her.

She opened her eyes for only a split second, shutting them immediately as soon as she saw him towering over her. "Don't. Please don't. Please don-"

She screamed out in pain as soon as he entered her...

And that was the last time she thought anything until he had left her broken, ravaged, bloody body on the stained carpet and walked over to his own room...

She woke up and it was dark outside. She didn't know what it was they were passing but his gaze was so concentrated that she was sure he wouldn't even feel her eyes on him. His right leg was propped up on the seat and his left was stretched out before him. But as she looked closer... She could make out the tiny tear tracks that started from beneath his glasses and ran down the side of his nose, along his mouth to fall as little droplets upon his lap.

And she was sure, that as she looked him, he didn't even realise that he was crying.

"Go from here!" Claire's voice had risen once again as she looked at him. "You have no place here."

"So you won't come?" He asked one last time.

"No. I don't need you. It's your fault I'm like this."

"Like what?" His voice sounded stony to his ears... Something in him had stopped as soon as she said those words.

"It's your fault he raped me. You had to leave my hand and you had to interfere and he raped me because of it. How many times has he hit me because of your own stupid mistakes?"

He said nothing, only looked down at her as she spoke- allowing her to spew whatever garbage was in her system.

"Why can't you just leave it alone? You have to interfere. If you didn't interfere he wouldn't hurt me and he wouldn't call me stupid but you make him do it. He would love me as he should if you didn't force him to always hurt me." She muttered to herself, completely forgetting that her son was still in the room standing right in front of her.

"Your fault that that bitch of a daughter hates me. Not my fault. Your fault." She mumbled, walking away from him and towards her bed before she pulled back the covers and settled beneath the heavy blankets.

He took one last look at his mother- hidden beneath her blankets and her shame and her bruises...

And he walked away.

He felt his glasses being lifted off his head before he turned around to look at her. He couldn't see much except her blurred outline but he could feel the warmth of her thumb as she brushed her hands over his cheeks, rubbing the little droplets of saltwater away. She replaced his glasses before she turned away, closing her eyes once again- leaving him to look back out the window trying to find whatever it was that he had lost.

Her third moment had been the day she walked into class and the boy that sat next to her had finally come back to school...

She had written him a letter and another and another until finally- one day-

He looked back at her and he smiled.