Dearest Riaz

Life seems to be passing us by. I no longer measure time by hours and minutes but by the amount of letters hidden beneath me as I sleep.

There are still days where I feel as if I may have imagined you. Imagined sitting with you in the darkened auditorium or beneath the tree in the parking lot. But then I think of the warmth of your hand beneath mine and the specks of dark green behind your glasses. I think of the hundreds of freckles across your face and the way your lips twitched into a smile, even though it never reached your eyes.

The leaves have begun to turn to brown all over again and Autumn has come by to say hello. And when it's cold at night I remember that you love the cold because you love the fog that blankets all the dirt of the city.

Thinking of you is like that fog it covers everything and for those few moments, I can pretend that it isn't there.

Love,
Tasneem.

...

Little Bee

You're real and I'm real.

If you were only a figment of my imagination then it would mean that the day in the parking lot had never really happened. And it did.

You're real.

We haven't had lights for 2 days now. I hate it. I hate waking up and seeing only black but I can't sleep unless I have light. I try to close my eyes but I can't open them again because if I do, I still won't see anything.

There are days when I don't sleep at all. I've been dying for a smoke but I know that if I start, I'll never stop. And when the craving gets so bad and I can't stop the noise in my head I stay in the gym. I box and I train and I run until I feel sick and then I do it all over again. And only when I feel as if I might pass out- only then do I hear silence.

My sister will be 14 this year. I worry about her and I worry about my Mum. I miss my mother so much, Little Bee. I miss knowing that she'll be there as soon as I walk into the house. I barely speak to her- I know it's not safe to phone all the time but when I do she always tells me that I've made the right decision.

But I feel as if she's wrong. I wish I didn't leave. I feel as if I've left her and ran away but when I think about going back home I feel terrified. I don't think I'm brave enough to go back home.

I'm terrified Tasneem. I don't know what to do. Please tell me what to do.

...

I wish I had the answers but I don't. I don't know how to make fear disappear. I know that when you've lived in fear for such a long time, it becomes a part of you. It becomes as natural as breathing. It doesn't go away but sometimes it diminishes to nothing but a tiny flicker of a dull black light in the back of your mind and those are the times I wait for.

But you're not a coward. Being brave doesn't always mean fighting against your demons. Being brave can also mean never allowing yourself to succumb to your fears and never losing your will to go on. The ability to move on past your fears is one of the hardest things you will ever do and maybe someday in the future you'll be able to turn back and face your fears. But even if that never happens, know that you've never been defeated by them.

And you'll never be in complete darkness. All you need to do is look out your window. There's a whole universe filled with light that sparkle and glow down at us. When we look at the stars, we're looking at the past. We're looking at an explosion that had occurred thousands of years ago- but in that chaos there is light for us today.

Maybe everything seems wrong right now but one day in the future, it will be a light for us. I wish and pray with all my heart that you find your light Riaz. Truly I do.

Be safe and know that I'm always thinking of you.

...

You bring chaos to my soul, Little Bee. You've turned me around upside down and I don't even know why. I was used to it. Normal was darkness and black and grey and cold but you've corrupted me and now I don't know what's normal anymore. I've never lived with colour in my life and I don't know what to do with it.

I don't know if I should thank you or be angry with you.

...

If you were angry with me, how would I go about earning your forgiveness?

And if I've brought chaos to your soul, you've brought peace to mine. If I close my eyes and think of you, I can breathe.

I couldn't be angry about that but I can thank you.
With all my heart, Riaz, I thank you.

...

If I were angry with you, all you would need to do is be next to me.

...

Winter is already here. How long has it been since I've last seen you? It's more than one and a half years already and I wonder if you've changed. I can't picture you looking anything else except the way you looked in school. I've never told you this but I used to love looking at you when you'd take off your blazer and sit next to me in your white shirt and your navy tie.

You'd never know just how handsome you looked then but I'll always remember you looking just like that.

Do you remember the day Mej. Dewit came to school wearing her daughter's tinkerbell beanie and Mnr. Vosloo thought she was a student and started screaming at her from across the hallway?

Do you think the teachers hated him as much as the students did?

...

I think they used to keep him around for comic relief.

What do you know about praying?

...

I don't know much about praying. I've never learnt how to pray and I've never really done it before. All I know is that God is there but I don't know how to talk Him. Do you think He listens to us? I don't know much about God either. We've never spoken about him in my house.

...

I don't know much about God either but I know He listens. Why do people pray? I don't understand why they would need to ask Him for things. Shouldn't He already know what we need without us asking for it?

...

I don't know. I've never asked for anything before and if I have I've never known about it. My dad told me that when I missed him, I should tell God because He loves me more than my dad but I haven't missed my dad in a very long time so I haven't needed to tell God about him.

...

Why don't you miss him anymore?

Did you love your dad?

...

I've forgotten I had a dad. He hasn't existed for a very long time. He chose to leave instead of stay and if he didn't choose me, I won't choose him.

And I don't know if I've ever loved my dad. I loved the idea of him but him?
I don't remember truly loving him.

Do you love your dad?

...

No.

I don't have a dad. I have Zaheer. He's not a father.

...

Happy birthday Riaz!

July has already ended and winter is one month away from leaving us. I miss you Riaz. I miss you so much.

Please tell me that you're safe and that you're okay. If I were there, what would you have liked for a birthday present?

...

I miss you too, Tasneem. And I'm safe and I'm okay. Are you okay? Are you happy?

If you were here, what would you make for me? And happy birthday little bee.

...

If I was there, I would have made you a cupcake. It would have chocolate frosting with only one candle on top and nothing else.

Would that be okay?

And I'm okay.

...

You haven't answered my question. Are you happy?

...

You make me happy Riaz.

Will you keep my happiness for just a little while till the day I need to remember what it feels like?

...

I'll keep your happiness for forever if only you'd never forget what it feels like.

...

Don't ask me to make promises that I can't keep. Just know that I've entrusted this to you. You won't fail me, will you?

Tell me about your exams? Have you passed them?

...

I've passed them Little Bee. Have you completed your course yet?

...

No, not yet. My older brother has returned for a short while and we've been busy so I haven't had the time to go back yet.

Can you believe we're already a month into Spring.

My sunflowers have grown so much that I had to take a picture of it to send to you. They remind me of you. They're beautiful and big and strong and they make me happy whenever I look at them.

I've been forced to move them to the garden but I've planted them next to the tree across the yard so I'm still able to look at them as soon as I wake up. I can't sleep with the curtains closed anymore. The garden is too beautiful not to look at when I'm awake and I don't want to miss even a second of it.

...

Your sunflowers are beautiful.

It's funny because they remind me only of you.

...

The year is almost over. Summer is only a week away and I haven't even had time to weed the garden just yet. I haven't seen you in 2 years. When I see you again, I pray we recognise each other.

...

I'll always recognise you. You saw me Little Bee so I'll always see you.

Always.

With love,
Riaz.