Hey.

You asked me to write to you every second Tuesday. I guess I should let you know that I've found a place to stay. I'm no longer living at the hostel but this room is about the size of a closet. 

But it's fine.

Riaz.

...

Hi.

I'm so glad you actually wrote me. It seems odd not having to worry about going to school anymore. My mother wouldn't hear of a technikon so I've signed up at a culinary school. Are you okay in Joburg? I've never been out of Bloemfontein. What's it like?

Tasneem.

...

Joburg is busy. It's full, there's always traffic and there's always people everywhere. I don't really like it but the university is okay. I had to register for my classes so I went in today.

Culinary School huh?

What are you leaning to cook?

...

How many classes have you registered for?

I've only recently started and so far I've only been chopping and dicing tomatoes and onions. That's all that I've done for hours at a time. It's not very nice but I've gotten used to it I suppose. I haven't gotten used to crying over onions though. It really is just the most unpleasant feeling to have to cry continuously for two hours at a time.

Please tell me that you're doing okay?

...

I'm doing okay. It feels strange being by myself.

If I asked you a question, would you help me?

...

Yes. Of course I would.

...

How do you make decisions?

The first decision I've ever made was trusting you that day in the auditorium. My dad has always made my decisions for me. I don't know how to choose anything. I had to walk out of a restaurant because I couldn't even choose what to eat.

...

I always close my eyes and the first thing that pops into my head is the one that I choose.

I miss you, Riaz. I miss talking to you every day and I miss holding your hand and I miss waking up every Monday knowing that I'm going to see you again.

Do you remember the time Mnr. Vosloo slammed the door into Mr. Pereira's face? It was the first time I ever saw you laugh- but do you remember the massive bandage over his nose the next day?

...

Yeah I remember. And do you remember when Mr. Pereira stood in front of the assembly the next day and he spent the entire 20 minutes glaring at Mnr. Vosloo.

I hated Mnr. Vosloo though. He used to spend every period trying to look down all the girls' uniforms.

I've started boxing at this place a few minutes away from my house. It keeps my mind quiet for a little while.

And I miss you too little Bee. It's been 9 weeks since I last saw you and I still want to kiss you as badly as I did then. There are thousands of people around me every single day and I've met a few people but I still can't stop thinking about you.

...

I haven't been able to concentrate on anything since your last letter. I've cut my fingers almost 4 times this week!

Although I've moved on from tomatoes and onions and I've learnt how to properly skin and debone a fish but it only means I've been using a sharper knife....

And when your mind is too loud- just close your eyes and pretend that I'm right next to you and we're sitting under the oak tree in the car park. You can feel the sun shining down on us through all the leaves and the sparrows are chirping above us as they build their nests. Pretend that you're holding my hand and that it's just me and you.

That's what I do.

...

I'm sorry about your fingers.

But skinning and deboning fish sounds very impressive. Maybe one day you'll cook it for me?

And I've tried it- closing my eyes to choose something but all I can see is my dad telling me what to do and I open my eyes and I walk away. I don't know if I'll ever be able to make a decision.

...

You will. Maybe you just need to learn how to. You've never done it before so you've never learnt how to. Or maybe it's your mind telling you that you can't while your subconscious is telling you that you can but you just can't hear it because the voice in your head is too loud.

...

Maybe.

I've just passed my first major exam.

...

I'm so proud of you, Riaz. Truly I am.

But are you okay? Your last letter sounded so short.

...

Thank you. And I'm fine. I'm just worried about my mother and my sister. I don't like speaking to them on the phone because I never know whether or not they're okay.

Do you have any brothers or sisters? I've never asked.

...

I have 2 brothers. My younger brother's name is Ibrahim. He's 15 years old and he's pretty sure he's in love with a girl in the grade below him. It's pretty sweet watching him get all flustered when he talks to me about her but he's too shy to actually do anything about it. He can barely even say one word to her but when he starts talking about her I have to stop everything I'm doing for almost an hour just to listen to him.

And I have an older brother who's in PE at the moment.

Will you tell me about your sister?

...

She's 12 now and her name is Farhana. She's tall for her age though and she's really smart. They pushed her up a grade when she moved schools so she'll end up matriculating early.

She sounds so much like my dad that it worries me sometimes.

Will you tell me something happy?

...

When I was about 3 years old, my dad and mum took me to the park.

I wanted to go on the slide really, really badly but I was afraid of it. It was a really small slide but I was a really small person back then. So my dad climbed up and he was going to slide down to prove that it wasn't so scary but he got stuck halfway through because he was too big and the slid buckled and warbled and it sort of collapsed with him still on it.

He was fined for vandalism and I have never sat on a slide since then.

Is that okay?

Also, I realised that I've never asked where you were staying. Is it a safe area?

...

Your dad sounds like he was a good man. Were you scared you would get fined as well?

And yeah that was perfect. Thank you.

And the area is safe enough. I live near the bus stop so it's convenient for me. It's nothing big. It's an outbuilding and it's just a room and a bathroom but it's enough. I have 7 different duvet sets though. I change it every day. I realised that I like change. I don't like constant anymore...

Except you.

It's almost Winter now and it gets cold here but it's nothing like the cold in Bloemfontein.

...

I've been sleeping with two pairs of pyjamas since last week and May isn't even over yet. But I've always loved Winter more than Summer.

If I told you something, would you keep it a secret?

...

Yes I would.

...

My dad left home after Ibrahim was born. I think he was having an affair. My mum won't even say his name and if we so much as mention him she goes crazy. I sometimes wish my dad took me with him. He loved me and I loved him and I sometimes wonder if my life would have been any different if I went with him.

But then I think that if I went with him, I would have been far away from Bloemfontein and maybe I might have only met you when we were finished with varsity and we were working.

If we never met in school, do you think we would have ever met?

...

Maybe we would have been older and I might have been at a restaurant.

 I'd have been staring at the menu for an hour because I still wouldn't have known how to make a decision and maybe you'd have been working as a chef over there. You might have seen me trying to decide and you would have walked out to choose for me. And then I would have spoken to you and then I would have come to the same restaurant the next day and the next day and the next day and you would have watched me trying to choose from the window. 

 Maybe you would have come out again and again until we became friends and then you wouldn't have known that I kept on coming just because I wanted to never stop talking to you.

...

Maybe I like the way that sounds and maybe I would have come out because I wanted to talk to you and I wanted you to talk to me and not because I wanted to help you choose something to eat. And I probably would have given in from the first day but I just didn't want you to stop coming to the restaurant because I wanted to see you every day.

But maybe I love the way we did meet just a little more.

...

Maybe you're right.

I found something that I like about Joburg. Every morning when I take the bus, I go over the highway to get to the campus. And as you go over the highway, Joburg town is right below you and from the highway you can't see the dirt or the street corners or the way the dustbins are overflowing. But all you can see are the high- rise buildings because in Winter during the early morning, there's still so much of fog that all the tops of the buildings are completely covered and you can't see anything. I don't know why but I can never stop looking at it every morning.

...

I wish I could see it and I'm glad you found something beautiful. Here, everything is exactly the same. There's no change and there's nothing different.

Except my brother finally said hello to that girl he's in love with. Her name is Safeerah and after he said hello, he was so mortified that he ran away and he hasn't spoken to her since. When is your birthday? I don't even know when you'll turn 19.

...

Maybe one day he'll marry her and you can tell her all about it.

July 27th and yours?

...

It's only 2 weeks away. I'm a week younger than you. My birthday is on the 3rd of August but birthdays aren't really very important in my family.

But happy birthday Riaz! I might not send my letter to you in time.

I wish I was with you but I miss you still. I wait for the day I know your letter is going to arrive because even though you're hundreds of kilometres away, when I read your letter I feel as if you're right there next to me.

...

Birthdays were never really important in my family as well.

Except for my mum. She would leave a biscuit in my room on the morning of my birthday before I would wake up.

I miss you too little bee. Always.

Also, happy birthday to you too.

...

Thank you.

How are your exams going? Or have you already written?

I've had my first exam. It was a practical exam and I passed. I had to pluck, skin and cook a chicken in 5 hours as well as make three side dishes. I think if I had to choose from that menu of yours, I would have chosen a rolled chicken fillet with a mint and cream cheese stuffing.

Why is it that we can talk so easily on paper? I try to think about our conversations but I only ever remember wanting to just sit with you and not have to worry about saying a word. And now when I read your letters, I feel as if I've met a different side of both me and you.

...

I've just written my last paper almost 2 hours ago. It went well, thank you.

And I'm really happy to hear about your exam. And I think I would have enjoyed your chicken.

And as for your question, I don't think I have an answer. Maybe it's because we're still silent and writing is not the same as talking.

...

Do your feelings ever scare you?

They scare me. Sometimes I feel things that I don't know how to explain but I feel them all the same and I feel all of those things only for you.

Please tell me that I'm not the only one.

...

I'm terrified little bee.

I don't know anything about feelings. All I know is that every morning when I'm sitting on that bus, I wish that you were there next to me and when the lights go out, I write to you because the darkness doesn't seem as bad if I'm thinking about you.

You're my peace, Tasneem.

...

Do you ever feel as if you want to run away but you just can't?

...

Waiting until Tuesday to write to you has been killing me. Please tell me what's wrong.

...

I'm trying. Truly I am but every time I try to write the words down my hands start shaking and I can't seem to write them out no matter how hard I try.

I wish I could just tell you. I want to tell you so badly.

Will you give me time to write the words down?

...

I'll give you forever if I just knew that you were okay.

...

You'd really give me your forever?

Can you believe it's already the second month of Spring? I planted sunflowers on my balcony last year and they're finally shooting up. I think I may need to buy a bigger pot because I never realised just how huge they might be. I love Spring though. We have a big garden and during Winter, the grass is mowed down and it doesn't grow much but I love watching the little shoots sprout up from the ground.

 It's magical to look at.

Also, I'd give you my forever too.

...

I'd give you anything you asked of me.

I don't see much of Spring over here. There's no garden where I live. There's only pavement but my mother loves Spring. When I was younger, she would always wear this huge pink sunhat before walking into the garden to dig up the weeds and I would always walk behind her and destroy her shoots. I never really knew that they were shoots. I always thought they were weeds and I would tramp on them and she would shout at me and send me back inside.

...

If I was your mother, I would have done the exact same thing. Flowers are never really the same after they've been damaged. They might grow again but they're just not the same. There's always a tell somewhere that they've been hurt even though you might not always spot it.

Like my roses.

They've stopped growing straight up since the thunderstorm we had in May. It grows just a little slanted to the left and no matter what I try it just won't straighten up.

Have you ever wondered what makes flowers beautiful?

...

She used to say the same thing to me all the time.

What makes flowers beautiful?

...

They're simple and they're delicate and they're fragile and if you took a petal between your fingers- no matter how clean your fingers were- the petal would always become brown.

Maybe that's why we find them so beautiful. We're attracted to their purity. There's nothing bad about flowers. They're colourful and they're happy and no matter how small or delicate they are, they always come back after they've died. After a hailstorm or a thunderstorm or Winter- they always come back.

...

You're my little bee. You can't be my flower too.

...

I still don't know why it is that you call me that. Will you ever tell me?

But the year is almost over. My final exam is coming up in a few days time. I never thought I would like to cook but I do. I had to dice up an entire sheep yesterday! And I don't think I did a very good job. I pray that it isn't in the exam because I'm pretty sure I would fail if it was.

...

First fish, then chicken and now a lamb?

I applied for a bursary from a company in Cape Town. It all depends on my final mark but I'm worried.

I can't come back home.

...

I know you'll do well. Do you remember that day when you dropped your English book and I picked it up? You wrote out an exact extract from our novel without even looking at it. You're special Riaz and I know you can do it.

Do you remember that day?

...

I didn't have my glasses that day and I didn't want Mr. Walker to realise it.

Why did you talk to me? I can never figure it out.

...

You reminded me of someone.

I never intended to talk to you but when you came back from missing those 3 days of school, you reminded me of someone that I had known a long time ago and I wanted to know why.

...

I passed my exams.

I'm staying in Joburg but I wish that you could be here with me.

...

I wish that I could be there with you too. And I am so proud of you. There will never be a day when I'm not proud of you and I will never, ever regret talking to you that day in Mr. Walker's class.

...

And I'll always be thankful for it little bee.