'all my devotions turn violent.' unknown.

season 1, episode 8
nebraska

Day 71

Death was inevitable. A concept drilled into Isaac's young head. Told over and over again, not to fear death, but to accept it once it comes. There was no reason to fear death since it does not stop life. He would one day be reborn into another lifeform and learn what he failed to learn in this life.

But would the revival of his corpse change his path? Would it be his next life? To be stuck in a corpse, unable to be human, only able to feast. He would have no thoughts and feel no pain. He would just be.

That was more terrifying than fighting against them. He would have no hopes, no dreams. He would have nothing to drive him into the next day. He would be nothing.

But death does not stop life. Isaac was still alive. He had hopes, thoughts, and dreams. He had emotions and memories. He was something, and so were his people.

They couldn't speak from shock and grief, but they were alive.

Isaac trailed behind Sadie and Alyson. Alyson couldn't keep her eyes off of Sadie after she pulled away from her touch. She staggered towards Greene's house but didn't go near it. She stopped underneath a cluster of trees.

"Sadie..." Alyson called out softly, glancing back to Isaac.

She didn't respond. Her arms moved, she was most likely rubbing her tear-fested face. She crouched onto the ground, sitting on the dirt before laying on her side. It was like when they left Virginia. She didn't speak for a day, only gazed out of the window and slept. It took the end of the world to bring something resembling her old self back.

But the world could not end again.

Alyson turned to Isaac, her chin quivered but she didn't cry. "What do we do?"

Sadie's eyes were distant, as if she was sleeping with her eyes open. She had no part of what happened, yet she carried all of the pain. Isaac didn't know how to help her before, he didn't know how to help her now. "We get through the day."

However the day kept getting worse. An hour after the funeral service, Beth passed out. Her state was much like Sadie's, only involuntary and unresponsive. Lori guessed that Beth was in shock. As for Sadie, Isaac wrote it off as her needing to be alone.

But Isaac didn't trust his diagnosis nor Lori's. Hershel slipped away under their eyes and he was the only one who could help. Maggie reluctantly assumed he was at the bar in town, returning to old habits in grief. He was the only one who had some knowledge of what to do.

"Will, uh, you watch over Sadie and Alyson?" Isaac asked Lori, who glanced at the girl, now laying on her back, spinning threads of light through her fingers. Alyson wasn't too far from her, refusing to let her out of her sights.

"Has this happened before?" Lori dared to ask.

Isaac looked at his shoes and nodded. "When we left Virginia. But she'll be fine. I know it."

Lori stared at him before nodding with a smile. She patted his shoulder to let him go as she observed the girls from the porch.

There wasn't much they could do to help them or themselves. Isaac knew Sadie wouldn't leave that spot for some time unless forced to, and Alyson wouldn't force her. They would be fine, he was sure of it. "I'm going with Rick and Glenn to get Hershel."

Alyson tore her eyes from the grass blade she was braiding. "Okay." She looked at Sadie, who didn't pay them any attention. "Don't die."

"I won't."

"Maggie said she loves me," Glenn blurted. He truly lacked restraint. Rick responded with a hum of approval. "She doesn't mean it."

"If she said it, I think she meant it," Isaac said from the backseat, bouncing his leg up and down. He was somewhat glad that Glenn spoke. It kept him from being in his own hurricane. His worries were normal; the type of shit that seemed to be more important than life itself.

"I mean...she can't. She-she's upset or confused. She's probably feeling, like—"

"I think she's smart enough to know what she's feeling," Rick explained, being the only one of the three to have some sense of relationships; though, Isaac had seen the way Shane hovered over Lori and Carl as if they were his own.

Still, Glenn denied Rick's word.

Isaac and Rick laughed at him.

"No, you know what? She wants to be in love, so she's—she needs something to-to like hold onto."

Isaac leaned in between the seats, grabbing Glenn's shoulder. "Dude, she was perfectly fine before you, why would she need something to hold on to?"

His blubbering started again, crafting excuses for Maggie rather than himself.

"Glenn, it's pretty obvious to everyone Maggie loves you, and not just because you're one of the last men standing. So what's the problem?"

Glenn shifted. "I didn't say it back."

"You're tellin' me, a badass chick like Maggie says I love you, and you didn't say it back?" Isaac groaned, falling back into the seat. "I'm disappointed."

He turned around to defend himself. "I've never had a woman say that to me before, ya'know except my mom, of course, my sisters. But with Maggie, it's different. We barely know each other. Wha-what does she really know about me? Nothing!"

Isaac couldn't agree with that. All of his relationships—if you could even count them as such—ended because they became too serious for him. He saw no future with them, no future he wanted at least. He scratched the back of his neck, letting Rick take the lead.

"We're practically strangers. But I-I didn't know what to do with it. I just stood there like a jerk."

"Hey. Hey, this is a good thing, something we don't get enough of these days. Enjoy it. And when we get back, return the favor. It's not like she's going anywhere."

Glenn nodded as they pulled next to the bar. The stench of alcohol was still prominent.

"Rick?" Glenn said under his breath. "I know about Lori, her being pregnant. I got her those pills."

"I figured."

Isaac's eyes widened. It made sense why Rick fought so hard for Hershel's respect and a place on his land. He got out of the car, wondering what it would be like for a baby to grow up in this world. They would have to make a place safe enough for the baby and Carl to grow up in, without fear.

Fearing death wasn't something Isaac had, it was living an unfulfilled life was what terrified him. He watched his parents fight for days then be in love in what he thought to be an endless cycle. Then it ended, somehow making things worse for him. He never thought of having kids, that's what always caused his relationships to end. He feared he would ruin them, so he drove them away.

But maybe he could do something good for Rick and Lori's children.

"Hey, I'm sorry I kept it from you."

"Don't be. You did what you thought was right. it just so happens it wasn't."

The trio entered the bar, guns ready for anything. All that was inside was dust, booze, and Hershel. The man was unbothered by Rick bursting in.

"Hershel."

"Who's with you?"

"Glenn and Isaac."

Hershel let out a hushed chuckle. "Maggie sent him?"

"He volunteered. He's good like that." Rick went to Hershel as the other two stood ready to leave. "How many you've had?"

"Not enough."

"Let's finish this up back at home," Rick attempted to convince him. "Beth collapsed," Hershel snapped his head to look at Rick, "is in some sort of state. Must be in shock. I think you are too."

"Maggie's with her?"

"Yeah, but Beth needs you."

"What could I do? She needs her mother," Hershel asked helplessly, reminding Isaac of his mother.

After the divorce and his dad leaving the state, she wasn't present. It didn't help that she fell into a postpartum depression according to Elijah. He heard her one night, talking to someone, almost pleading with them to help her. She didn't know what to do, how to be a mother. Isaac didn't understand at the time and believed his mom just didn't love him anymore. Now, he just wished he told her she was doing the best she could.

All that she needed was someone to help her. All that Isaac and Layla needed were their parents.

"Or rather to mourn like she should have done weeks ago. I robbed her of that. I see that now."

"So you're gonna force Maggie to care for her? Doesn't she need to grieve too?" Isaac inquired, lowering his gun. Rick gave him a face to stop, but Isaac couldn't. "You can't blame yourself for hoping for a cure, robbing them of their chance to grieve but you sure as hell will blame yourself for not being there for them."

"Hope?" Hershel repeated. Some of Isaac's words had hit him, he was sure of it, but he couldn't let himself own up to his actions. "When I first saw you running across my field with your boy in your arms, I had little hope he would survive."

"But he did."

"He did. Even though we lost Otis, your man, Shane, made it back. And we saved your boy. That was the miracle that proved to me miracles do exist. Only it was a sham, a bait and switch. I was a fool, Rick, and you people saw that. My daughters deserve better than that."

He downed what was left in his glass and began refilling it. It set something off in Isaac, watching someone who still had family left let it all go.

Glenn and Rick went to the door, opening it to let in some air and watch out. Rick motioned for him to join them, but Isaac took a seat beside Hershel.

"You're too young for this stuff," he teased.

"You're too old for this shit," he responded plainly.

Hershel stopped his hand midway, staring at Isaac in disbelief. "That other boy on your fridge, your son? What happened to him? You lose hope for him?"

"Don't." Hershel moved to chug his glass, so Isaac let him. When he went to fill it up again, Isaac snatched the bottle.

Hershel scooted his stool back as he stood up, looking down at Isaac. This alerted Glenn and Rick. Neither moved from their spot in fear of escalating the situation.

He was intoxicated, Isaac reminded himself, he was grieving, he was in pain. Shane had destroyed everything he believed for his own selfish gains. He had watched his wife and stepson die, forced to realize he wouldn't have his life back.

"Just go," he muttered to Isaac. "Just go!"

"I told Maggie I'd bring you home safe," Rick explained as Hershel sat back down. Rick slowly neared the two.

Hershel chuckled. "Like you promised that little girl?"

"So what's your plan?" Rick asked before Isaac could say anything. Glenn stepped away from the door, letting it close. "Finish that bottle? Drink yourself to death and leave your girls alone?"

Hershel slammed his glass down, standing up to face Rick. "Stop telling me how to care for my family, my farm. You people are like a plague! I do the Christian thing, give you shelter, and you destroy it all!"

"The world was already in bad shape when we met," Rick argued in a softer tone.

"And you take no responsibility! You're supposed to be their leader!"

"Well, I'm here now, aren't I?" Rick asked with the same harshness.

"Yes. Yes. Yes, you are," Hershel said, nodding as he returned to his seat.

Isaac placed the bottle next to Hershel, allowing him to grab it. He knew exactly what was going through Hershel's mind. He allowed his selfishness to cloud his judgment because it was better than facing reality. He let Rick take the lead.

He kept his head down. "I didn't want to believe you." Rick tried to grab his arm, but Hershel shook him off. "You told me there was no cure, that these people were dead, not sick. I chose not to believe that. But when Shane shot Lou in the chest and she just kept coming, that's when I knew what an ass I'd been, that Annette had been dead long ago and I was feeding a rotten corpse! That's when I knew there was no hope. And when that little girl came out of the barn, the look on your face—I knew you knew it too. Right? There is no hope. And you know it now, like I do. Don't you?"

Silence was the only answer he received.

"There is no hope for any of us."

"Look, I'm done. I'm not doing this anymore, cleaning up after you. You know what the truth is? Nothing has changed. Death is death. It's always been there, whether it's from a heart attack, cancer, or a walker. What's the difference? You didn't think it was hopeless before, did you? And now there are people back at home trying to hang out. They need us, even if it's just to give them a reason to go on. Even if we don't believe it ourselves. You know what? This-this isn't about what we believe anymore. It's about them."

Hershel drank the last bit in his glass then turned it upside-down, slamming it on the counter. He understood again, what everything was for.

The door squeaked open. Two men. One round and oily with a stupid hat on, the other was built like Daryl and sweaty. Both had a face that Isaac didn't like the look of.

"Son of a bitch. They're alive."

It must have been the cop in Rick that let the two men get comfortable. They poured liquor into shot glasses, acting as if everything was normal.

"I'm Dave," the smaller, yet taller of the two introduced. "That scrawny-looking douche bag there is Tony."

Tony sat at the counter next to Hershel. Just before he came over, Hershel motioned for Isaac to move. So he did, standing behind the counter with his right hand wrapped around his gun.

"Eat me, Dave."

"Hey, maybe someday I will. We met on I-95 coming out of Philly. Damn shit-show that was."

"I'm Glenn," he introduced, putting on a smile. He didn't see what Isaac saw. He never needed to. "It's nice to meet some new people."

He guessed neither did Rick as he introduced his full name.

Dave pointed at Hershel. "How 'bout you, Pal? Have one?"

"Just quit."

"You've got a unique sense of timing, my friend. And you?"

"Not twenty-one yet."

He laughed, as did Tony. "No one's gonna narc on you, kid."

Isaac flickered his eyes to Rick before looking back at Dave. "Nah."

"His name's Hershel," Rick introduced. "He lost people today, a lot of them. And his name's Isaac."

Dave took a moment. "I'm truly sorry to hear that. To better days and new friends, and to our dead, may they be in a better place," he toasted, raising his shot glass. Rick, Glenn and Tony did the same, all drinking it.

Hershel had God knows how many drinks, Rick looked like he could hold his liquor, and Glenn...he made a sour face at the taste. Isaac needed to pay attention for his sake and his people's.

While in Atlanta, Isaac entered his first bar. Not for a drink or somewhere to sit, but to hide from the destruction that ensued outside. The owner ushered them in, hiding them in his back room. He had guns all around, just in case someone were to rob him or do something stupid. He told Isaac many bar owners keep guns under the counter. He was the reason they had the rifles.

He tucked his gun back into his waistband, using both hands to glide underneath the wood for anything. Hershel would need a gun if this turned south. He kept his eyes on Tony since Dave was centered for the four to see.

"Not bad, huh?" Dave pulled out a gun from his waistband, showing it to Rick. "I got it off a cop."

"I'm a cop."

"This one was already dead."

Tony continued to drink, spilling a few drops on his disgusting white shirt. He placed his glass down, using Isaac's previous chair as an armrest as the other rested under his side and stomach. His hand hovered over his firearm.

"You fellas are a long way from Philadelphia."

"It feels like we're a long way from anywhere."

"Well, what drove you south?" Rick asked as he took another shot. Isaac didn't understand why he continued to drink. They needed to be focused and ready. Did Rick carry that much faith in a sixteen-year-old to watch over them? Did he contain any faith after today?

"Well, I can tell you it wasn't the weather. I must've dropped 30 pounds in sweat alone down here."

"I wish," Tony joked.

"No, first it was D.C. I heard there might be some kind of refugee camp, but the roads were so jammed, we never even got close. We decided to get off the highways, into the sticks, keep hauling ass. Every group we came across had a new rumor about a way out of this thing."

"One guy told us there was the Coast Guard sitting in the Gulf, sending ferries to the islands."

Dave continued. "The latest was a rail yard in Montgomery running trains to the middle of the country, Kansas, Nebraska."

"Nebraska?" Glenn repeated in confusion.

"Low population, lots of guns," Tony explained.

"Kinda makes sense."

"Ever been to Nebraska, kid? A reason they call 'em flyover states."

Tony laughed at Dave's joke as Rick took another shot with a smile. Isaac's hand paused over something cold and on hooks. He pulled it off gently, glancing down as he brought it into his view. A shotgun. From Isaac's angle, he couldn't see Tony's face. He hid it with his stupid hat and hand placement but Isaac could tell he was staring at Dave.

"How 'bout you guys?"

"Fort Benning, eventually."

"I hate to piss in your cornflakes, Officer, but, um, we ran across a grunt who was stationed at Benning. He said the place was overrun by lamebrains."

"Wait, Fort Benning's gone? Are you for real?" Glenn questioned.

"Sadly, I am. Oddly, the truth is there is no way out of this mess. Just keep going from one pipe dream to the next, praying that these mindless freaks doesn't grab ahold of you when you sleep."

"If you sleep," Tony added.

"Yeah, it doesn't look like you guys are hanging your hats here. You holed up somewhere else?"

The drinking stopped, and the air shifted. Isaac wasn't sure if it was him or reality.

"Not really," Rick answered, but Dave didn't believe him.

"Those your cars out front?" he asked.

Glenn confirmed it. Isaac held onto the shotgun tighter. "Why?"

"We're living in ours," Dave explained, observing them. He would say something and note every reaction of the four. He would listen to an answer, not paying attention to the responder but to the others. "Those look kinda empty, clean. Where's all your gear?"

"We're with a larger group out scouting, thought we could use a drink," Hershel clarified to aid Rick.

"A drink? Hershel, I thought you quit." He and Tony chuckled. "We'll, we're thinking of setting up around here. Is it-is it safe?"

"It can be, uh, although I have killed a couple walkers around here," Glenn said, finally noticing Rick and Hershel looking at him every time he spoke, and not knowing he was being listened to.

"Walkers? That what you call them?" Dave exclaimed, finding the name entertaining. "That's good. I like that. I like that better than lamebrains."

He reminded Isaac of the men in Atlanta. They were kind at first, and tried to convince the trio that they could help them escape the city. But they couldn't, or more truthfully, they wouldn't, not with a price.

"More succinct," Tony chimed in.

"Okay, Tony went to college."

"Two years."

The silence wasn't working with Dave. He hated it. He wanted information. "So what, you guys set up on the outskirts or something? That new development?"

"Trailer park or something?" Tony asked, standing up and getting a good look at the four before continuing to the wall. "Farm?"

"Old McDonald had a farm..." Dave sang, noticing his friend as he started to piss in the corner. "You got a farm?"

The answer never came but the outsiders knew.

"Is it safe?"

"It's gotta be. You got food, water?"

"You got cooze? Ain't had a piece of ass in weeks," Tony added, grinning to himself. It took Isaac a moment before he realized what he meant. There was no way Rick would let them near the farm, but there was also no way out of this. They knew their names, knew they were nearby. They knew too much.

Dave groaned, rubbing his face. "Listen, pardon my friend. City kids—they got no tact. No disrespect. So listen, Glenn—"

"We've said enough," Rick interrupted. Glenn glanced at Isaac, spotting the shotgun. Thankfully, he didn't react to it. He understood now.

"Well, hang on a second. This farm—it sounds pretty sweet. Don't it sound sweet, Tony?"

"Yeah, real sweet." Tony finished his business, holding his gun strap as it dangled down his back.

"How 'bout a little southern hospitality?" Dave continued, trying to convince Rick to let them in. But they were like the men in Atlanta. They lack care for others and only want to satisfy their own needs, in any means necessary. "We got some buddies back at camp, been having a real hard time. I don't see why you can't make room for a few more. We can pool our resources, our manpower."

"Look, I'm sorry. That's not an option," Rick attempted the kind card. There was no reason to get rough when they hadn't shown any signs. But they couldn't do that. Isaac knew that. He wouldn't let these sad excuses of people come anywhere near his people. And he knew Rick and Hershel wouldn't let that happen either.

Tony appeared unsure, he made that known by his facial expression and constantly moving his eyes between Dave and Rick. He wasn't sure what would happen, all that he knew was he would follow Dave's command.

"Doesn't sound like it'd be a problem," Dave tried again.

This time Hershel spoke. "I'm sorry. We can't."

"We can't take in any more," Rick added.

Dave chuckled, not like his others but more bitter. "You guys are something else. I thought-I thought we were friends. We got people we gotta look out for too."

"We don't know anything about you."

"No, that's true. You don't know anything about us. You don't know what we've had to go through out there, the things we've had to do. I bet you've had to do some of those things yourself. Am I right?"

The way he spoke, Isaac hated it. He knew the right words to use against them in hopes of leverage. Dave was like Shane. Dave was like Alaric. Dave was like the men in Atlanta. They all spoke as if they knew how to get under your skin and would do so after they had their fun with you.

"'Cause ain't nobody's hands clean in what's left of the world. We're all the same. So come on, let's–let's take a nice friendly hayride to this farm. And, uh, we'll get to know each other."

Isaac furrowed his eyebrows. "What farm?"

"Isaac," Dave dragged out, narrowing his eyes slightly but managed to present it as playful.

But Tony was tired of playing the nice guy. "This is bullshit."

"Calm down," Rick told Tony.

"Don't tell me to calm down! Don't ever tell me to calm down." Glenn let out a 'whoa' at how quick Tony snapped but Isaac saw it. It may have followed Dave's actions but he was nothing more than an asshole who took and took. "I'll shoot you four assholes in the head and take your damn farm!"

His threats weren't taken kindly. Rick stood up, hovering over his revolver. Dave was quick to get on his feet and become a block between them.

"Take it easy. Nobody's killing anybody." He patted Rick on the shoulder before turning around and climbing the counter for another bottle. "Nobody's shooting anybody, right, Rick?"

Rick kept his eyes on Dave, still hovering over his gun. Tony hovered over his, making it loud for Rick. He was stuck in between the two assholes. But then Dave pulled out his gun and placed it on the counter.

"We're just friends having a drink. That's all." He showed his hands before gazing upon the selection before him. "Now where's the good stuff, huh?"

Another thing Isaac learned from the bar owner is that he never just had one gun at his disposal. He crept towards the corner, grabbing a glass as Dave pulled out a full bottle. He slid the glass to the man.

"Thank you, kid."

He began to pour himself a drink. "You gotta understand. We can't stay out there. You know what it's like."

"Yeah, I do," Rick said with a nod. "But the farm's too crowded as is. I'm sorry. You'll have to keep looking."

"Keep looking?" Dave repeated. Isaac held the shotgun against the wooden pillar, playing it off as if he was leaning on it with his hand. He watched Dave searching for something Isaac couldn't see. "Where do you suggest we do that?"

Rick shrugged. "I don't know. I hear Nebraska's nice."

Dave laughed his annoying laugh. He mocked Rick. As he did so, his eyes flickered down to his gun. Before he could raise his arm an inch, Isaac shot him in the side of his head, splattering blood all over the clouded mirror and walls.

Rick pulled out his revolver, spinning on his heel and shot Tony without a second thought. Then again. And again in the head.

Isaac snatched Dave's gun, tucking it next to his own. He felt Glenn's eyes on him. When he looked at him, Glenn couldn't meet his eyes. He didn't understand, but one day he would. One day he would understand that yes, death is inevitable, but Isaac would do everything in his power to make it to tomorrow. Death would not stop his life.