'I am afraid i will love you forever and we will never be in the same room.' Unknown.

season 2, episode 10
18 miles out

Day 76

Never in her short, yet recently everlasting, sixteen years had Alyson seen a view as incredible as the hill behind the barn. Rolling hills cascading with vivid greens despite the nearing winter. It wouldn't remain this way for long. Heat still lingered as if it was the bridge between spring and summer, only without the bugs and pollen. Birds remained only for a few weeks longer. Trees that had been living longer than her stood tall and protected them from beyond the tree line. She had never seen anything like this in Virginia, yet again she was never allowed to.

If she had a view to compare, it wouldn't be the environment, as its untouched beauty crafted by God could not compete with anyone. Well, anyone but her.

Sprawled out over the grass, limbs stretched to cradle the Earth, Sadie basked in the sun's gentle kisses like the angel she was. Three days had gone by since the return of several group members and Sadie nearly released her guts onto the road, miles away from Alyson and Isaac. Yet she still managed to look as breath-taking as life itself; God handcrafted her with little to flaws, only to be punished for such perfection with the end of the world.

Her idiotic actions were blinded by bravery and determination to protect Lori and her unborn child—which Alyson was still wrapping her head around—that she nearly got herself killed. Lucky, she made it despite the blood loss; Patrica was a God send. She even managed to send her voice into a higher volume to ensure Sadie understood that she needed to stay in bed for a day or two. The fear of disappointment strapped Sadie into the same bed Carl was once in.

But none of that changed what Alyson saw that night. It was the first time since Alyson's world changed that Sadie put up a fight, a real fight against Shane. Her ridged nails slit a deep cut into his upper left cheek. His slow blinks and growing gaps in between inhale and exhale, terrified Alyson. He stood like a bull ready to charge and demolish anything in its tracks. If it was for Sadie passing out, he would have attacked back. He would have made sure Sadie died that night.

And thankfully, Sadie made it through the next few nights, and returned to her own body, no longer lost in a space between her mind and the world. She played with the sunlight, guiding her fingers to weave in between the rays as if nothing ever happened. As if Andrea and Shane were whispering around the farm, spewing tainted ideas of Sadie's instability into people's minds.

The day before, when Sadie was still bedridden, Alyson made her way to the porch for some air. Shane was speaking with Daryl about what happened with Lori and Sadie, as if Daryl hadn't played a part in their accident. They spoke low with similar dark looks, until Alyson caught wind of Sadie's name in Shane's mouth.

Alyson's hands curled around the rail, reading her tongue and vocal cords to shout at the grown man.

"Keep that little girl's name outta your mouth. She ain't nothin' but a kid," Daryl grunted, louder than he meant but it got the message through. At least he was attempting to make up for his actions.

Though Alyson hated thinking of death, recently it was all her mind could conjure up. How could Alyson live if Sadie no longer did? Her heart ached at the very thought, which gave her mind more reason to think further into the hypothetical. Her feelings for Sadie were too much to ignore. Now more than ever, as general safety seemed to be something she had to worry less about. She now feared endlessly of Sadie's impulsive behavior, her urge to protect despite not having the skills. She only ever did what she believed was right.

Would she believe Alyson was the right choice?

She glanced up to Alyson, growing a smile brighter than the sun. She was more beautiful than life; and just like life, she was just as dangerous.

"When you gonna start lecturing us, Aly?" Sadie asked, dragging out Aly as if it were a song instead of a simple nickname. She slowly pushed herself up to sit. As she did, she moved her hair over her shoulder, knowing that the wind would blow it back regardless.

Isaac stifled a laugh while Alyson mocked them. "Haha." She yanked blades of grass into her fingers and launched them at her friends. "Y'all haven't listened to me before."

"It's nice to hear you complain every once in a while. It's how we know youre still alive."

She rolled her eyes, braiding the blades of grass without bringing further harm. She hated the idea of picking flowers, always cried at the wall of bouquets at grocery stores—back before her dad would have given her something real to cry about. Attempting to maintain and preserve beautiful things for one's own benefit never ends beautifully. "We're safe here for the most part. Being in a group, while stupid, is safe. They're safe—most of them." She had thought long and hard about it when Patrica stitched Sadie up and Lori profusely apologized for not protecting Sadie the best she could have. They were good people, who cared for the trio.

"He's a problem," Isaac stated without needing to name names. This moment was the most emotions Alyson had seen from him since he stepped out of the vehicle, bloody but not bruised. Even then, that emotion he displayed, she could best describe it as disoriented. Ever since then, he wouldn't speak about what happened. Rick told them that he did what he needed to do. Glenn on the other hand, couldn't make eye contact with Isaac. He spent time with Beth and that was it. The only reason he was out with them now was because Hershal wanted to have time with his daughter.

"A major asshole," Sadie continued. "Like...bigger than Nate."

Alyson couldn't have helped but laugh at the mention of her eldest brother. He was just like their dad but without the physical violence; he was all bark and no bite. A result of having more years of love than hatred. "Oh, way worse."

The trio laughed for the first time in months without fear. Smiles beaming across their faces because they were in a place of safety. They were alive in spite of the odds.

"I like it here," Alyson admitted once the laughter simmered. "I want to stay."

Sadie's smile grew ten times bigger. Isaac reached for Alyson's hand, giving it a squeeze. She wouldn't admit out loud that he was right, but they both knew he was right. She just hoped he wasn't right about big groups not lasting.

Alyson always prayed for an older sister. She never prayed for simple things that she knew she could gain herself with effort. She prayed for things to test God's power and love her. She prayed for things to keep her belief intact. Her older brothers always called her stupid, saying it wasn't like they would up and change their gender for her. Still, she begged and begged, more so after her mother's death. To have someone more mature comfort her; to tell her things would get worse before things got better but it would still get better.

The more she spent time around Maggie Greene, the more she thanked God in her head for aligning their paths. And even more did she internally desecrate God with her bare hands for not giving her this life.

"You used to what?" Alyson gasped, chomping into apple slices with wide eyes.

Maggie suppressed a wide-tooth grin, nodding as she cut up more food. "I was angry with my daddy for remarrying, God, the world. Luckily, everyone knew who my daddy was and never pressed charges."

"I just can't believe you stole," she continued in awe not shame. Her brothers had done things like that and ended up behind bars for the night, but it was always "boys will be boys." She never knew how much she could have done if she was born a son; how much more she would have gotten away with; how less of a reminder of her mother she would have been.

"Well, then you won't believe that I ran over my ex's Camaro with a tractor," she said smugly, plopping an apple slice into her mouth.

Alyson gaped at the woman before laughing and begging for the full story. As she listened, she was grateful to have been able to occupy Maggie's mind and distract her from Beth's state. From the corner of her eye, she noticed Isaac creeping up the stairs. Since Sadie was given the okay to maneuver, Isaac spent his time with Beth after asking Hershel as if it was her hand in marriage. Every time he went up there, he had a new book in his hand. Which was odd because he was never much of a reader unless it was an assignment.

"How worried should I be 'bout his crush on Bethy?" Maggie questioned, also taking notice of Isaac's growing time in Beth's room. The two had migrated into the living room after Lori brought Beth her lunch.

Alyson shrugged, thinking back on Isaac's past relationships. None of which were ever genuine. He rarely spoke of any of them prior to the relationship and never spoke about them afterwards. Most times, he would never mention them at all. "I don't not think its a crush...but I also think he's distracting her which helps distract him."

Maggie took in her words, leaning on her arm as she gazed towards the front door. "Honestly, I'm more worried 'bout him. Jimmy's still isn't over her; she claims she's in love but she ain't." She faced Alyson, smiling softly. "Y'all are kids who haven't even gotten to go to prom. Y'all don't know what love is yet."

"Are you in love? With Glenn?"

Her smile grew bigger, then shrunk. "Yeah, I am...but he isn't too sure."

"Boys," Alyson giggled. To which Maggie joined, nodding.

Speaking of boys, Glenn comes in and asked Maggie to talk, leaving Alyson alone to her thoughts. From the back windows, she could see Sadie chucking her knife at hay bales. She used less force than before to compensate for her wounds. She was becoming better at the gun alternative, probably best with the looks of their ammunition. She would just need to be less afraid of what she was attacking, but Alyson knew that would come with time.

Did Alyson know what love was? Growing up, love came with freshly baked cookies after school and hours spent beside her as she struggled with basic math. Then love turned into blood, scabs, cuts, and bruises. Love came with the claim that it was for her benefit, for her wellbeing.

Was love meant to be gentle and innocent? Or was it a battle to become the person they wanted?

Maybe Maggie was right, Alyson didn't know what love was.

In the distance, a figure appeared out of the tree line. Alyson immediately clocked it to be Daryl. The way he walked, held himself, and just the fact that he no longer surrounded himself around the group. Alyson recalled the other day when Sadie noticed his dwindling appearance and brought up the idea that he might leave. Alyson hoped not despite all that she thought of him; he was good at fighting, hunting, and he had skills that the others didn't due to his upbringing. She also noticed that Sadie hoped not either.

Since then, the girl's alternation of knife practice areas seemed to correlate with Daryl's whereabouts.

In an instant, everything went to shit. Alyson stood with Lori and Andrea in the kitchen as Maggie and Beth's voices rattled the farmhouse. Beth slipped a knife into her hold with the intention to end her pain. Lori had realized before anything could happen. Isaac, who was with Beth at the time, now sat on the porch, wanting to be by himself. He blamed himself because she asked him to fill her glass with the bathroom sink, and the second he turned his back she stole the knife.

Maggie's voice echoed through the farmhouse as Beth's followed suit but not with the same amount of energy.

"Where's Hershel?" Andrea inquired, having joined the two in the kitchen after rounding up Maggie. She cut her time "on watch" for this incident, but not when someone under her eye went missing. She still refused to make full eye contact with Alyson unless it was important. Then again, Andrea's ideals of importance ranged from where the guns were and if Isaac's van carried any more can goods. As if they hadn't given the group all that they had days ago.

Lori distracted herself with cashews. "Maggie didn't want him to find out yet. Family affair, let them work it out."

"That's working it out?"

"Never had a brother?" Alyson asked Andrea, she didn't know much about the aged woman besides things thrown around. She had a sister who died in this, but not mention of anyone else. "It could be worse."

"When Beth's stops fightin' that's when its time to worry." Lori stated what they all believed.

The yelling grew louder. Alyson forced her attention elsewhere but there wasn't much to distract her. Sadie had wandered off from her spot. As did Daryl.

In some ways Alyson related to Beth. She had lost hope long before the outbreak. She tried to confine in her brother, Jordan, that was her first mistake. He, unlike Nathanel, had a bark that signaled to their Father every time. She knew her mistakes the moment it slipped out of her mouth, "I wish I died with Mama."

Her father brought her to church in her white dress that brought out the purple bruises that bloomed from time. Knees scrapped by the wood panels of her home; nails torn to shreds by her own doing. He told her to confess her sins to the priest. She did so.

She still wanted to die.

It wasn't until she let Sadie in, then Isaac. The two people that took her mind from that house in Virginia and into things that made her realize life was worth more.

She would be lying if she said she hadn't contemplated it in the last few months, but it wouldn't make anything easier.

"This could've been handled better." Andrea told, staring at Lori as if she caused an issue. Alyson kept her gaze on the blonde.

"How so?" Lori asked, wanting to know how she could have done better than let Beth's family handle this. It wasn't every day something like this happened.

"You shouldn't have taken the knife away." Andrea answered.

Alyson looked dumbfounded. "You call that handling it better?"

"Excuse me?" Lori turned from cleaning up dishes. She noted Alyson's expression as Alyson did hers. Both were bewildered by Andrea's suggestion for the sixteen-year-old girl above them.

"You were wrong. Like Dale taking my gun–that wasn't your decision. She has to choose to live on her own; she has to find her own reason."

"Want me to tie a noose for her?" Lori spoke, playing into Andrea's antics.

"If she's serious, she'll figure out a way." Andrea replied.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Alyson said, slamming the heels of her palms into the wooden island. Never in her life had Alyson heard someone suggest that. No one sane would actually believe that. Lori held out her arm across Alyson's chest and shook her head.

"That doesn't mean I can't stop her," Lori said, "or let her know that I care."

"That has nothing to do with it, Lori. She only has choices in front of her. And she believes the best one is suicide." Andrea continued to argue as if her experience with it was the key for everyone.

"That's not an option."

"Of course, it is." Andrea argued once again, aching Alyson's head with her foolish ideas. "She doesn't need to be yelled at, or treated like a child."

They were exactly children. Not like Carl, but still children who lost everything. Beth was the same age as the trio, and Andrea was twice their age. She had lived her teenage years, probably had it better than any of them. She had experienced things Alyson and Beth would never get to unless they dreamed of it. Alyson's fingers curled inward, forcing her nails to dig crescents into the palms.

"She needs a loaded gun, right?" Lori asked. "You'll understand if I don't send you in there."

"I came through it." Andrea told.

Alyson scoffed, following it with, "Obviously without the critical thinking skills still intact."

"And became such a productive member of the group." Lori simultaneously. She gave Alyson a look, who returned it. Alyson was glad to have Lori around. "Let Maggie handle this her own way."

"I contribute. I help keep this place safe." Andrea defended, leaning over the island as she began to seethe.

"What? By shooting our people and telling teenagers to attempt suicide to see how it feels?" Alyson restated, knowing all Andrea did was sit on top of Dale's R.V.

"The men can handle this on their own. They don't need your help." Lori said, stating her ideas. Alyson didn't agree that the men could handle it on their own—Shane could barely handle his own mind. She did believe that Andrea was not contributing in ways that mattered; she didn't offer to go with Rick and Shane to get rid of Randall, didn't offer to go with Daryl to hunt, didn't offer to help T-Dog, Hershel, or Jimmy with the farm work. Sure, as hell never offered to help around the house with all the other women.

"I'm sorry. Wha-what woul you have me do?"

"Ooh," Lori dragged, having a list, "there's plenty of work to go around."

"Are you serious? Everything falls apart, you're in my face over skipping laundry?" Andrea scoffed.

"Puts a burden on the rest of us." Lori explained further. "On me and Carol, and Patricia, and her and Sadie, and Maggie. Cookin' and cleanin' and carin' for Beth. And you," Lori took a deep breath, forcing her to say the words she shouldn't say but truly wanted to, "don't care 'bout anybody but yourself. You sit up on that RV, workin' on your tan with a shotgun in your lap."

Andrea stared dumbfounded, heavy on the dumb. "I am on watch against walkers, that is what matters. Not fresh mint leaves in the lemonade."

"We are providing stability. We are tryin' to create a life worth livin'."

"Are you kidding me?"

"Look, I went after Rick, Sadie and I took down two walkers–"

"After crashing Maggie's car, ever apologize for that?"

"...Crashing her...you're insane."

"No, you are." Andrea spat, making her way around the island and into Lori's face. "And you're the one that's self-centered. The way you take it all for granted."

Alyson was never as violent as people perceived her to be. She never liked knowing Sadie and Isaac have killed. She hated that she had blood on her own hands. But as she listened to Andrea speak poorly about Lori, the woman who's nearly lost everything twice over, she wanted to get her knuckles bloody with Andrea's blood. Her caved in face would provide more use to the group than it intact.

"My husband is out there, for the hundredth time." Andrea shook her head, moving around. Lori returned the previous favor, getting into her face and forcing her to listen. "My son was shot. Don't you dare tell me that I take this for granted."

"You don't get it do you? Your husband came back from the dead. Your son, too. And now you've got a baby on the way. The rest of us have piled up our loses. Me, Carol, Beth. But you just keep on, keepin' on."

"We have all suffered." Lori whispered. Her voice shook with anger and possibly hurt from Andrea's words. They might not have been friends, but they were women who lived in an overrun, man's world.

"Playin' house, actin' like the Queen Bee layin' down rules for everybody but yourself. Y'know what? Go ahead. Go in there and tell that little girl that everything's gonna be okay. Just like it is for you. She'll get a husband, a son, baby, boyfriend." Silence filled the room. "She just has to look on the brightside."

Alyson banged her fists against the island, rattling the fruits in the bowl and other kitchen items. None of that mattered cause Andrea to finally look at her. "You're what? What, in your 20s, 30s, probably edgin' 40s with the way you're lookin, Andrea? Actin' like the girls I went to high school with, that would talk shit all high school because they were bitter, lonely, and jealous they're the just secret side piece. You've lost people, so has Lori, so have I. Everyone on this goddamn farm has, so you do not get to dictate whether or not people are allowed to act a certain way around everyone because you think they have more than you. That's selfish." She went to walk away but paused, feeling only more anger brewing, and turned back. "And just because you've suddenly found a purpose, doesn't mean everyone else needs to try to kill themselves to find theirs. 'Cause if I don't recall you yellin' at Dale for saving your life when you had all the chance in the world to bless us all with a bullet in your brain before you decided it had purpose—unless you've finally decided to let that go? Ever apologize for that?"

Alyson prayed to the cross mounted on the wall as chaos ensued in the second story. Glass shattered; the house shook as attempted to break a door down occurred. She didn't know exactly what she was praying for, she recited a prayer she heard once before. She wasn't sure if it was one spread around the dining table before a feast or at a service. She just prayed, hoping he was listening to her. Just this once.

"Thank you, Father, for all that you have done to keep us alive in these dreadful times."

He owed her that much, right? To hear her out after all the pain he allowed into her life. She deserved to know he considered her words, that he would consider sending salvation to her demise. She deserved to know she still had a reason to believe.

"Forgive us, Father, for all that we have done in sin. Everything in darkness will come to light. We will do better in your name."

She prayed the night Sophia went missing. Prayed to God to protect that girl until they could find her. In an awful way, he did protect her. Sending her decrepit body to people that only wanted to give them a chance to come back one day. She prayed when she learned Carl was shot. Prayed more specifically for the boy to survive the shot and live longer than Alyson could. He heard her.

She hadn't prayed since, only for forgiveness.

"Father, save us from the rapture. Amen."

Wood creaked behind Alyson. Her head flew from her palms, turning to the source. Sadie stood patiently, rocking on her feet as she admired the living room. Once she noticed Alyson's gazed, she stopped her movement.

"I didn't mean to interrupt."

"You didn't."

"Oh," she spoke softly as if they were in a museum. "Hershel is stitching Beth up."

"Good."

"I also overheard Maggie and Lori tell Andrea she wasn't allowed in the house. What's that about?"

Alyson smiled for a brief moment before shaking her head. Sadie joined her on the rug. "She's...just don't trust her."

"I won't." Sadie kept her eyes on Alyson, as Alyson still stared at the cross adjacent to them. "You okay?"

Alyson met her eyes. Her muscles around her mouth found a reason to return to a smile. Her hand reached over to Sadie's. Callouses grow on her palm, just before each of her fingers. Their fingers slipped in between each other's, fitting as perfectly as before. She was still perfect. As her hair tied up into a ponytail with a few stray strands to frame her oval face. As her brown eyes glimmered with hope. "Better now."

Alyson wasn't sure exactly what love was. All she did know was that when she was around Sadie Fontaine, her heart palpitated more than usual, she got lost in those doe brown eyes, and she couldn't help but admire every piece of that girl. She carried flaws like no other, yet they were simply a part of what made Sadie. She made Alyson fear death until it became a phobia. She made Alyson believe what they had—whatever it was---could not be a sin for how good it made them. She made Alyson into the person she used to pray for to rescue her.

Alyson wasn't sure what love was, but she was pretty sure she was in love with Sadie.

Alyson and Sadie are truly my everything. I love them so much.

Sorry for the long wait, I've been having trouble with writing lately but luckily it was just 2 weeks. I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter! I personally enjoyed Alyson clapping Andrea back, i absolutely hated Andrea for how she treated Lori in that scene. Originally, I wanted it to be Sadie to further Sadie and Lori's relationship, but this scene is needed for Alyson and Andrea's relationship.

Anyway, please share your thoughts, ideas, theories, or anything! It helps me become a better writer and connect with you guys.

Until next time <3